by K. S. Adkins
“Just one,” making sure I heard him right. “She’s pregnant?”
“About six weeks, yes.” then opening up her chart he scratches his head. “By the look on your face, I see you didn’t know.”
“No,” I whisper. “I didn’t,” and I guarantee she didn’t know either. She would never keep this from me. Four months ago, I took her for her yearly. Although we didn’t use birth control, we weren’t actively trying either. She doesn’t drive, clearly she didn’t go and get the test herself. She had no idea she was going to be a mother. Fuck, how would she take it?
“I apologize,” he says sincerely. “I’ll speak with the nursing staff about this, her chart indicated…”
“It’s okay,” cutting him off before he could apologize for ten more minutes. With the news that I was going to be a dad banging around in my brain, I was done with the doctor. “Thanks for letting me know, I need some time with my wife now.”
Nodding his understanding, he leaves the room closing the door behind him.
“Time,” I whisper but she only snuggles in deeper. “Time,” I try again by moving her hair.
“Are you hungry?” she asks clearly not awake at all.
Right then and there I decided to keep this to myself until morning. She needed rest. If I tell her now she’ll rip the line out of her arm and demand to go to Target for a baby book. So yeah, I was going to enjoy being the only one who knew for one night. “No, sweetheart,” I whisper. “Go back to sleep.”
“I saw stars,” she whispers. “They were as pretty as I remember.”
It’s heartbreaking when it took a head injury to give her a glimpse of something familiar. Time loved the night, it killed me that she saw her stars right before she passed out. “I bet they were,” I whisper tucking her blanket in.
When she fell back into a sound sleep, I slid my hand over her belly where our child grew. To think I was going to be a dad… To think that I could have lost her and our baby was too much, so I focused on the good. Wondering what he or she would look like, hoping it was a mix of us both. Our lives were about to change again and I fell asleep next to Time with a smile on my face.
Yes, I was comfortable.
No, I didn’t want to put my feet up.
Why would I want a vitamin right now?
For two hours he’s been pacing. When he’s not pacing, he’s asking me what he can do, what do I want and how did I feel… I felt fine, I didn’t want anything and he could sit the hell down.
Slapping his hand away, I literally growled at him when he tried wrapping me like a burrito. He wasn’t satisfied with the placement of the pillows, or the breeze from the fan. Now he’s talking to himself about childproofing. Frankly, I was worried.
“Do you need one of your pills?”
“What?” he asks running over to me. “What’s wrong?”
“Why are you so keyed up? You’ve been wired since we got home. Are you okay?” kicking the covers off, I listen for him and attempt to come to him.
“No!” he barks. “Sit.”
“Should I fetch the paper and lick my balls too? I’m not a dog, I don’t want to sit. Talk to me before I start marking my territory.”
“Follow my voice,” he says which leads me back to the couch. His hand threads with mine and he places me next to him. “Your doctor came in while you were asleep. He said you unbuckled your belt to grab Bella.”
“Probably not the smartest thing to do but I wanted her with me. I wasn’t anticipating another car...”
“He said the instinct to protect saved your life,” said with a hint of awe in his voice.
“Wow,” I muse. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I just wanted her with me and reacted.
“And because of that instinct,” he says pulling me close. “You saved Bella’s life and the life of our child.”
“That makes sense, I guess. If I hadn’t held her the impact could have killed her, we were hit really hard. Plus, I heard somewhere when women are involved in accidents seatbelts can injure their reproductive system. So I saved my dog and the life of our future child, go me!”
Laughing, he wraps his fingers around the back of my neck and places his free hand on my stomach. “You’re going to make a wonderful mother.”
“Someday,” I whisper. “I hope so.”
“Try thirty six weeks, give or take.”
“Do you know something I don’t?” Placing my hands over his on my stomach, my eyes went wide and my mouth dropped open. “It wasn’t the Snickers was it?”
“No,” he laughs kissing me. “It wasn’t the Snickers.”
“Are you happy?” I ask him hesitantly.
“I’m fucking ecstatic,” he confirms.
“You knew last night didn’t you?”
“Time,” he asks cautiously. “Are you not happy?”
Moving away, I slowly stand but I don’t call for Bella or care about my cane. When I found the window, I stood in front of it trying to sort this out.
I wasn’t prepared to be a mother.
New mothers tweaked out over stuff like this when they had no limitations. A baby, I would be responsible for a baby? Oh God, what if she was born without sight? It would be my fault. Drum would have to take care of two of us. I would never see my child’s face. There was no driving her to Girl Scouts or soccer. I would never teach her to read or show her how to put on makeup.
My child would have the blind mom.
Then, like a whip cracking, my back went ramrod straight.
It wasn’t clarity, it was surety.
When I met Drum, I said I wasn’t prepared for love, but I was wrong. I was born to love Drum. There was testing available, we’d do the responsible thing and find out early. Her dad would teach her how to read but I could participate, be a part of other big milestones. We would go on adventures. I could teach her to paint, take pictures and…
I could do the mom thing.
And if I was going to be the blind mom, I’d be the coolest fucking blind mom Detroit had ever seen.
One day, when my heart wasn’t threatening to explode, she would explain to me why she likes that window. I knew she was working it out, I even understood it. I just didn’t understand why it was taking so long to do it. She was shocked no doubt, but she didn’t so much as smile when I told her.
Thinking logically, replaying the conversation, her first question was, are you happy? If she had concerns that I wasn’t, I had no problem showing her how wrong she was. When she cocked her head, I saw her fingers twitch. If I were in her place, I imagine my mind would be running all over the place right now.
Something was wrong. She was making little movements, like she was nervous.
When her back went straight, and slowly her hands came up to rest on her belly, her entire demeanor changed.
I’ve seen her do this only once before, on the day her world went dark. How many moments we’d have like this, I didn’t know. But when Time stood still, I did too.
When she let out a breath, I held mine in.
Ever so slowly, she turned to face me wearing the biggest smile I have ever seen. With her tiny hands still pressing against her belly she looks down and asks, “So I’m blind and pregnant?”
Unsure what to do, I stood there and waited. But as her smile got bigger, she let out a loud snort and says, “The ultimate adventure is growing inside of me. I go big, don’t I?”
Rushing over, I pull her to me, careful of her injuries. “Thank you,” I whisper.
“For what?” she asks wrapping her arms around me.
“For everything.”
“Drum?”
“I’ll call dad,” I say kissing the top of her head.
“I want to call dad after,” she says sliding her hands up and under my shirt.
“After what?”
When her hands trail from my stomach and she slides them past the band of my jeans, I inhale. “After this,” she says gripping me.
“Your head,” I remind her. “Yo
ur ribs.”
“I trust you to take care of me,” she smiles. “I’ve always trusted you.”
Kissing her with everything I had, we finally made it upstairs and once she was on the bed, she fell fast asleep.
When I heard voices, I sat up rubbing my eyes then called for Bella.
Making my way downstairs, I hear Drum and dad bickering like they always do. Shuffling into the kitchen, I find Drum’s lap and sit on it. His arms come around my stomach resting gently right in the middle.
“About time you woke up,” dad says throwing something at me.
“What time is it?” I ask.
“After six, lazy ass.”
“I’m sorry to make you wait, dad, I know you hate missing the early bird at Denny’s. What’s the senior citizen discount these days anyway, twenty percent?”
“Next time I go, I’ll be sure to bring you back a menu so you can read it.”
“You’re crabby, is it past your bedtime?”
“Are you two about done?” Drum growls.
“Just warming up,” I announce. “Don’t look at me like that, she was asking for it. And it’s not Denny’s, it’s Ram’s Horn. You’d fit right in too, they have a blind section right next to the crapper.” dad says throwing something else at me.
“If this is how he’s going to treat our child, it’s better we find him out-of-state assisted living sooner, rather than later.”
You could hear a pin drop. Well I could, my hearing was so dialed in these days I heard everything. “Dad?” I ask reaching my hand out when he was silent.
“I’m going to be a Papa?” he asks linking his fingers with mine. Standing up, Drum helps me forward so I’m in front of dad.
“The best Papa,” I confirm.
“May I?” he asks wanting to touch my stomach.
“Of course,” when I feel his hands, I cover them with my own. Then I feel Drum behind me when he puts his hands on my shoulders.
“You need to rest,” he declares. “Let’s go, and don’t argue with me. You’ve just had an accident, you need those feet up.” Trying to keep up, I ran into his back when he came to a halt. “Careful now, you just sit right here.”
What in the hell?
“Drum, be useful and get her another pillow!”
“Dad,” I laugh. “I’m fine, I just woke up.”
Drum brings in all of the pillows, and dad went to work propping me up like I was on a cloud. Satisfied with his results, he sits next to me and checks my pulse. “What are you doing now?”
“No idea,” he says letting out a breath. “I’m just going with it.”
“Relax, dad,” Drum says across from me. “We’re making an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. But her test results showed she and the baby were fine.”
“Really, Drum?” he scoffs. “You’re going to take a doctor’s word? They’re all quacks!”
“You were a doctor,” he points out.
“No shit,” he drawls. “And so were you, how’d that work out for either one of us?”
“Okay,” I chime in. “I have to pee. Dad, could you help me sort these pillows?”
“Be still, Time, we’ll track you down a bedpan or a bucket.”
“Okay,” I groan. “That’s it! You,” I point to dad. “Stay right where you are. And you,” I point to Drum, “Sit on him if he tries to move. I am going to the bathroom in a toilet. Got it?”
Moving around them, I don’t disturb Bella who I can assure you agrees with me. Opening the door to the half bath, I hear dad mumble to his son, “It’s the hormones and it only gets worse. As if her mouth wasn’t bad enough…”
Closing the door behind me I covered said mouth to smother my laughter. This baby had no idea what it was in for or how lucky she was. But I knew and when my laughter turned to tears and even though I hated admitting it; dad was right.
“Oh God, it is the hormones…”
Five years later…
Time was in her studio painting her little heart out. She had six pieces ready to ship, which was why I was in the living room trying to wrap them. Even after all these years I sucked at it and she usually had to finish the job I started. Tonight, we had a gallery she was hosting and the show had sold out in a day. The center hosted an event two Fridays a month.
Our artistically inclined clients were able to sell their wares in a safe environment and their proceeds were their own. Time, the generous soul that she was, donated her profits back to the center. Four years ago was the center’s first showcase and it was a huge success.
Then again, anything my wife put her mind to was.
“Daddy,” she says tugging my pant leg. “If Mommy asks where I am, tell her I’m brushing my teeth.”
“Why aren’t you brushing your teeth?”
“Um…”
“Carolyn,” Time calls from the steps. “I don’t hear the water running.”
“Daddy,” she pleads.
“Carolyn, brushing your teeth is important.”
“I wanted to watch Mommy paint,” she mumbles. “I wanted to help.”
“Bella,” Time says loud enough to startle Carolyn who knew what was coming. “Find Carolyn.”
“Daddy!” she squeals when Bella hits the steps. She may be four years old but when Time used Bella as her eyes, my daughter knew there was no place she could hide. It was hilarious.
“Carolyn?” Time calls out.
“Yes, Mommy?”
“I need help.”
“Okay!” she squeals again this time taking Bella’s harness and racing up the steps. Setting the canvases aside since Time would have to do it, I grabbed my camera and hit the steps. From the hall, I watched my wife and daughter create art. My wife was patient and encouraging, a loving teacher. Our daughter had her mother’s eyes. She also had her creative side and would spend hours talking about colors and making messes, together.
The end result was always magnificent and our home was a showcase. Honestly, we were running out of wall space. The pieces we couldn’t fit went to my dad’s house. He was running out of space too.
And Carolyn takes after me as well. She lives to make her mother’s life easier. Sometimes Time catches it, other times she doesn’t. Time used to struggle when asking for help. This was no longer the case. Granted, she didn’t need help with much anymore but when she did, she asked.
Carolyn, Dad and I were more than happy to help her.
Hell, we lived for it.
After taking the photos for Carolyn’s scrapbook, I head back downstairs right as my dad walked in.
“Couldn’t even wrap a few canvases?” he says shaking his head at my mess. “It’s a sad sad day when your blind wife has to pick up the slack.”
“I’m good dad, how are you?”
“Papa!” Carolyn yells launching herself from the steps into his arms. Spinning her, she laughs while holding on tight. Carolyn and my dad are partners in crime. Time and I loved it but both agreed if our daughter morphed into an asshole, we’d step in. But my dad was good to Carolyn. No, not good, great. Watching him reminded me that when I was young he was great to me too.
“Hi dad,” Time smiles with Bella leading her. “I thought I smelled Bengay.”
“Time,” he smiles. “What did the blind woman say after being handed a cheese grater?”
“Jesus,” she moans. “I don’t know, Dad, what?”
“That’s the most violent book I ever read.”
“You know, dad, I’ve been thinking,” she says coming to wrap her arm around my waist while Bella licks Carolyn. “Men at twenty-five play football right? Men at forty play tennis and men at sixty play golf.”
“Your point?”
“Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?”
“Papa has small balls!” Carolyn quips and Time smothers a laugh while my dad grinned.
“I can’t believe I don’t have a comeback for that one,” he mumbles.
Slapping my dad on the back, I lean and tell him, �
��Mom would have loved her.”
“If she were still here she’d be right there with your foul-mouthed wife ganging up on me.”
“Yeah, dad,” I smile. “She would have.”
Six months later…
I was sitting front row in the auditorium with Carolyn to my right, dad to my left, and Bella at my feet. To my knowledge every seat in the house was full. It felt full and I loved it. I listened avidly as Drum spoke to the crowd about the center and its purpose. How, many years ago he had a practice that helped some but not enough. How, the day he met me his eyes truly opened for the first time.
Wiping the mist from my cheek, Carolyn snuggles in deeper and kisses my shoulder. My daughter was affectionate, like her daddy. Unless she wanted to argue, then she was the spitting image of her Papa. My daughter could debate like a professional.
When Drum described our life and the challenges we faced and will face in the future, I was so full of love and pride, I could barely stay in my seat. Patting my knee, dad whispers for me to call Bella and doing so, I took Carolyn’s hand and stood. At Drum’s introduction, we stood and made our way to the stage.
Dad made sure I made it to Drum’s side without issue while Carolyn yelled her hellos to anyone that would listen. On stage as a family, we’re introduced, even though most people here knew us. But I was caught off guard when crickets began to chirp, rain started to fall, and an owl hooted.
I was brought to tears when Drum started to speak. “My wife is a visionary, a woman who dedicates her life to helping others with low vision or no vision. The same woman who not only advocates for the visually impaired but has made great strides as you can see and hear. The Time Center was initially was for my wife. But she didn’t want it solely for herself. My wife is very vocal about every person needing help, receives it. Thanks to the generosity of many, the Time Center for the visually impaired is expanding.”
