He smiled down at her. "You know me too well. I shall have to work on being less predictable."
Lorilla pulled away. "What is it?"
Gabriel turned back to his desk. "A messenger rode in early. It seems the governor requires my presence. As one of the larger landowners in New Mexico, and as a Mexican, I'm occasionally called upon to help the governor with relations between the Mexicans and the Anglos."
Lorilla noticed a hollow emptiness somewhere inside her. "How long will you be gone?"
He shrugged. "Perhaps a week, I am not sure."
"Let me go with you."
He shook his head. "No. I'm riding, not taking a coach."
"You're not going alone!"
Gabriel looked up, frowning. "Lorilla, it's less than two hours to Santa Fe. The only reason I'm staying in town is because the governor's meetings often last into the night."
"I'll worry."
Gabriel picked up the satchel and walked around the desk to pull her close to him.
"No doubt. That seems to be a woman's job," he whispered, his mouth against hers.
"Gabriel," she began but he hushed her with a long, sensual kiss.
"I've told Josepha, and Benito is going with me, worry-wart." He kissed her on the nose, then started for the door.
"Well, thank goodness for that. At least you won't be totally alone on the road. What do you need me to do while you're gone?"
"You will be in charge, Patrona. It's been quite interesting to watch you master the intricacies of running the hacienda. Poor Josepha has needed help for a long time."
Lorilla smiled in delight. "You don't mind? I really enjoy it. Besides, Josepha can help me with anything unusual."
"I have every confidence in you. You have done very well in the short time you've been here." Gabriel turned at the door and smiled at her. His smile still made her knees weak.
She dropped a shallow curtsy. "Thank you kindly, Senor. I will try not to disappoint."
He nodded regally. "Goodbye, Rilla."
Lorilla grabbed the door as it was about to shut. "Wait! You're going now?" She ran out of the room and almost stumbled over Benito. "Excuse me, Benito." Catching up to him, Lorilla threw her arms around his neck. "A week, then I'm sending a band of outlaws to kidnap you."
Gabriel laughed. She could feel his rumbling laughter all the way through her. "It's a deal." Then he and Benito headed toward the stables.
Lorilla stood on the terrace and watched until they were out of sight. Her stomach turned over. How was she going to survive until he returned? A strange feeling enveloped her as she turned back toward the house.
Josepha met her at the door.
"Senora Lorilla, are you all right?"
She looked at the little woman, and her insides quivered. "Gabriel will be gone a whole week. What will I do?"
"Humph. You will carry on as Patrona, Senora. That is your function. Now you come with me. You must eat. You are pale."
Lorilla followed Josepha into the kitchen, but the smell of cooking caused her stomach to turn somersaults inside her. "Oh dear," she muttered, holding her hand over her mouth.
Josepha looked at her. "Madre de Dios! Maria Joseph, a pan, quickly."
Maria Joseph made it just in time. Lorilla's stomach was empty, but she doubled over, heaving dryly, for several moments. Josepha held a cool, wet cloth to her forehead. When she was finally able to sit up, Josepha bathed her face with the cloth.
"Oh, I don't know what the matter is," she whispered hoarsely. "Has anyone else been sick, Josepha? Maybe it was the meat last night." When no one responded, Lorilla lowered the cloth from her face and looked at Josepha. The woman was beaming.
"What's so funny?" she demanded. "I may be coming down with something."
"Si," Josepha said, laughing. "You come down with something." She and Maria Joseph looked at each other and laughed.
"What? What is so . . . funny?" she paused as realization began to dawn. "Oh, Josepha, can it be? Can it truly be?"
She put her palms against her burning cheeks. "I must tell Gabriel. Oh, no. He's gone. He will be so upset that he wasn't here." She smiled at the two Mexican women. "This will be a wonderful surprise for him, won't it?"
"Si, Senora. Senor Gabriel will be most pleased. He has looked forward to this day. He will have his son."
Lorilla smiled, but Maria Joseph's words dimmed her joy. Another wave of nausea swept over her. "I think I'll go lie down for a while."
Josepha took her arm. "I help you up the stairs, then you have bread and tea, for your stomach."
As Josepha adjusted the bedclothes, Lorilla thought about Marie Joseph's words. Gabriel will have his son. She felt like crying. His son. That was all he really wanted.
"Such a silly goose," she whispered.
"Pardon?"
"Oh, Josepha. I've let the past few weeks cloud my mind. Gabriel doesn't care for me, not like…well." She paused, not wanting to seem jealous of poor Elena. "He likes me. I know that, and he…wants me. But he is merely hoping for a son. His heart belongs elsewhere." With Elena. And although he would welcome an heir, his deepest heart would always belong to his first son, Elena's son.
Tears started in Lorilla's eyes, and she lay on the bed. Josepha lay a cool, wet cloth over her eyes. "Don't be so quick to judge what Gabriel wants. I think he does not know himself." Under the cloth, hot tears escaped her eyes and spilled over to run down to the pillow. After a bit she turned on her side and went to sleep, one hand protectively cradled over her stomach.
Lorilla loved being pregnant. With Josepha's help, she devised a morning routine that kept her from being too nauseated. Josepha brought her tea and a baked flour tortilla before she ever got out of bed. That kept most of the nausea at bay, and the rest of the day flew by while she worked on the accounts, or rummaged in the storeroom for scraps of material to sew into clothes for the baby. Josepha had knitting supplies too, so Lorilla began knitting booties and caps and jackets for her child, and waited for Gabriel to come home.
The idea that Gabriel did not love her as he had loved Elena hurt Lorilla in a place so far inside her she was amazed at its depth. But she accepted the fact that she would never be first with him. How could she complain about anything? Gabriel had given her a gift beyond her wildest imaginings when he married her. No woman could ask for more. She was wealthy, she was cared for, and in a way, and she was even loved. It was more than she'd ever had back in St. Louis. It was more than she'd ever dared to dream about.
Why then, did she wake in the night with tears matting her lashes? Why did she feel a hollow emptiness, which not even the baby could fill? She should be satisfied with everything she had, instead of feeling sorry for herself. She had no reason to expect her husband to love her above all others?
"Josepha?" Lorilla was up early. Actually, she had hardly slept all night. A vague pain had settled in her lower abdomen, and she had thrown up several times. She stepped into the kitchen, where Josepha was directing the making of bread.
"Si, Senora?" Josepha barely looked up. She spoke in rapid Spanish to one of the young women kneading bread.
"Josepha, are you preparing for Gabriel's return? It's been a week. Shouldn't he be back by now?" Lorilla's breath caught as her belly cramped. She gritted her teeth against the pain.
"Ah, you are anxious to tell him the good news?"
Another cramp wrenched Lorilla and she cried out involuntarily.
"Senora Lorilla, what is it? Are you all right?"
She smiled wanly. "I'm fine. I'm just having some cramps."
Josepha rushed to her side. "You go to bed, I bring tea."
"I don't want to stay in bed. I want to prepare for Gabriel's return. I need to wash a few items, and I wanted to finish knitting that pair of booties--ah!" Lorilla clutched her still flat stomach.
She looked at Josepha, whose brow was furrowed in worry.
"What is it Josepha?"
Their eyes met.
"Oh no. No, no, no," Lo
rilla moaned when she read the cause of her worry in Josepha's eyes. "No, Josepha, you have to help me. Please," she cried. "I cannot lose this baby. Oh God, don't let me lose Gabriel's baby."
Josepha gently guided Lorilla upstairs and to her bed. She made sure Lorilla was as comfortable as possible, then turned to leave.
"Wait! Josepha, where are you going? Don't leave me."
"Senora, I must get rags and hot water."
Lorilla's fists curled around the bedclothes. "Josepha, please tell me we can fix this. Please."
Josepha didn't comment.
For several hours Lorilla stayed in bed, suffering through the bouts of cramps, trying to drink the medicinal tea Josepha brought her and sleeping when the pain would leave her for a while. But late in the afternoon, she began to bleed, and the pain became worse.
Then it was over.
Josepha quietly left. Lorilla curled up, with her hand on her abdomen, and cried silently. The pain in her heart far exceeded the physical pain. She ached with grief and loss for the tiny life that had briefly dwelled within her.
How could she face Gabriel? How would she tell him he had lost another child? Everything he had feared was coming to pass. He had wanted a woman he could depend on to bear a child. He had never wanted her. Now she had proved him right. She had failed him.
He must never know. Lorilla's eyes flew open. She reached for the bell pull. By the time Josepha came, Lorilla was out of bed.
"What are you doing up? You should stay in bed for at least a day. You might start bleeding again."
"No," Lorilla shook her head. "This is no worse than my monthly. I have to make sure Gabriel doesn't find out."
"Doesn't find out? What are you talking about?"
Lorilla grasped Josepha's hands and squeezed. "Josepha, He must never know that I was with child. He must never know that I lost his baby."
Josepha shook her head doubtfully.
"Please. Please. You must promise not to tell him. And make sure Maria Joseph promises too. Does anyone else know?"
"No, no one else knows. But Lorilla, it is not good to deceive your husband."
Lorilla released Josepha's hands and began pacing. "I'll hide the knitting, and the sewing. You've disposed of the rags? Good. He must never know. We will go on as if nothing happened, and I'll get pregnant again. I won't let him down."
h
CHAPTER TEN
Gabriel slipped into his bedroom, pushing his hands through his still damp hair. He had washed downstairs, sluicing off the trail dust. He flexed his shoulders. It felt good to be home. Sitting in meetings day after day was hell on a body. He'd looked forward to sliding into bed next to Lorilla's soft warmth and sleep. As he undressed in the dark, he considered his wife.
All he could see was a small lump in the bedclothes and the silken waves of her hair. Even in the darkness it seemed to shimmer with an inner fire. Gabriel longed to touch it. He felt the stirrings of desire as he slipped into bed beside her. It was late, near midnight, but perhaps she wouldn't mind being wakened by his kiss. Gabriel lay down with a contented sigh, then turned toward her. She was curled on her side with one hand tucked under her cheek. A tiny frown marred her face, and there were faint purple shadows under her eyes. Had she missed him? Was that the reason she seemed so tense, even in sleep?
He pushed a strand of hair away from her cheek and then slid his arm around her back. Gently urging her body closer, he kissed the wrinkle on her brow, then moved his lips to her temple.
"Mmm?" she murmured, then opened her eyes. Sleepily, she moved to meet his kiss, and her body uncurled.
Gabriel groaned. Her sleepy movements were sensual. She radiated heat. His aching body reacted instantly, and he pulled her closer, cupping her bottom and pressing her softness against his arousal.
Lorilla gasped and pulled away, her body trying to curl back into itself. "Oh, Gabriel, you're here."
He frowned. Her words and tone told him she was glad he was home. Why then, did she recoil from his touch?
"Rilla? Did you not miss me?" He cupped her cheek in his palm, and she tilted her head into his touch.
"Very much," she said, and smiled, but he heard something in her voice that bothered him. Slipping his fingers beneath her hair to caress her nape, he kissed her mouth.
"I don't believe you," he whispered against her lips. "Perhaps you should demonstrate to me just how much you missed me."
"I'm…I'm tired, and I don't feel well," she responded, turning her face away, avoiding his gaze.
Instantly, Gabriel was alert. Pain. That's what he'd seen in her face. "What's the matter? Have you hurt yourself? Are you ill?"
She shook her head and smiled briefly at him, then turned over. As she did, her breath caught. "I'm just tired, and I have a headache."
Gabriel grimaced at the sweet ache of desire that would go unslaked this night. "I understand, chiquita," he said on a sigh. He briefly buried his nose in her hair, then kissed her bare shoulder. "Go back to sleep."
He rolled away from her and rose.
"Where are you going?" she asked drowsily.
"To the well." A dousing with cold water might ensure that he slept more comfortably, he thought grimly as he opened the bedroom door.
"Gabriel?"
"Si, chiquita?" He paused.
"I'm sorry."
"De nada," he lied. "It is nothing. Go back to sleep."
THE NEXT MORNING Lorilla woke to find him watching her. She smiled and reached out to touch his face. When she did he caught her hand and kissed her palm.
Good morning," he said, smiling back at her.
A thrill of pleasure mixed with pain coursed through her. Pleasure at having him back home mixed with the pain of loss, of disappointment, and of having to deceive her husband. But she was determined that he not know she had miscarried. He did not need to be reminded of Elena or his mother. She would simply become pregnant again, and as soon as possible.
A twinge of pain in her lower abdomen reminded her that it would be a few more days before she could begin.
"How was your trip?" she asked. She sat up.
"My trip was fine. I longed every moment to be back here, but the meetings went well."
As Gabriel spoke, he watched her, his blue eyes intense. Lorilla inwardly cringed under his gaze. She had never lied to him. She wasn't sure she could.
"Lorilla? Are you feeling better this morning?" he asked softly, reaching out to catch a strand of her hair. He let it twirl around his fingers, then drop from his touch. He moved his hand to her cheek.
"A bit." She pressed a kiss into his palm. "I'm sure I'll feel fine in a couple of days."
Gabriel sat up and pulled her into the circle of his arm. She was relieved. She loved to lie against him, his arms protecting her. Plus this way he couldn't see her face.
"You're lying abed late this morning," she said.
"Si." His hand ran the length of her arm, caressingly. Then he slid his fingers beneath her arm to spread them against her abdomen. "I thought perhaps I might have better luck than I did last night. I'm feeling rather unappreciated."
Lorilla closed her eyes, savoring the warmth of his hand, feeling her reaction deep within her. But as her muscles tightened in desire, a cramping pain caught her. She gasped.
Gabriel tensed, then sat up and pulled away from her. He grasped her shoulders, making her look at him. "What's the matter, Lorilla? How sick are you? And with what?"
"It's j-just my monthly," she stammered, refusing to meet his gaze. She shrugged. "It is worse than usual."
She felt his gaze on her, sharp, assessing. Steeling herself, she met his eyes. If she didn't look at him he would know something was wrong. If she did look at him, she was afraid he would read her grief in her eyes. Either way she was lost.
Gabriel stared at her. He had never seen her like this. Perhaps she was sick, but her actions told him there was something more. Her eyes held a sadness he'd never seen before. She had blossomed in the weeks she had
been here. She had gone from a frightened but determined little mouse to a strong, confident Patrona. Gabriel had watched and enjoyed every moment of it.
But now, she was hiding something. And he was sure that whatever was wrong with her, it was not her monthly. In fact…he thought back, considering what he remembered of the past few weeks.
"Lorilla, when was your last monthly?"
Her gaze flickered away, then back to meet his eyes. "I suppose it was…last month."
He shook his head. "No. It has been well over a month since--" He stopped. He swallowed. A certainty began to build in him and with it came a slow growing, but relentless joy. He was afraid to give voice to his suspicion, afraid that to speak it might make it go away. His heart swelled in his chest until he could barely breathe.
"Chiquita?"
Lorilla's face had turned pale, and he could feel her arms trembling beneath his hands. Her head moved jerkily, once, as if in negative answer to his unasked question.
"Chiquita, are you with child?" His voice almost broke. "Are you? It has been weeks since--."
She shook her head again, her eyes wide. Then as he watched, tears welled, and one spilled down her cheek.
He touched a thumb to the tear, then pulled her into his arms, hugging her. "Don't worry," he said comfortingly. "You'll be fine. You're probably feeling sick right now. The first months are like that."
Her shoulders shook, and he felt the warm dampness of her tears as she buried her face in the hollow of his shoulder. "I know you're frightened, but I will take care of you. And Josepha knows all about babies."
She shook her head and a sob escaped her throat. Another thought pushed its way into Gabriel's consciousness. A bad thought. A horrible, unacceptable thought.
No, he wanted to scream. Not again!
He hugged her close, fending off the truth. Her body shook with sobs. He cradled her head with one hand and buried his face in her hair. "Please, Rilla. Stop crying."
Tears stung his eyes, and the empty cavern that had once been his heart, the cavern that had begun to fill up since Lorilla had come, gaped again. It cracked open like a crater in the earth, jagged and bottomless. With dreadful certainty engulfing him, he pushed her away and stared at her.
The Christmas Treasure Page 8
