“Spirits above.”
“As Crowe would say, all for her own good, my girl.”
Katya thought of Redtrue, of evil begetting evil. Starbride had been so mad with grief she’d sought Yanchasa to defeat Roland, and now they were considering another dark path to cleanse them of that evil? Yanchasa would be bouncing among them like a croquet ball.
She needed to talk to Freddie and Hugo, find out what they’d observed during their trip. And she needed Redtrue, their evil detector. “As soon as Freddie gets back, it will be easier to plan.”
“It might be best to recruit Brutal to strike her as soon as she arrives, while she’s tired and thinks she’s safe.”
Katya didn’t know whether to shout, run from the room, or just sink to the carpet and weep. “Da, I can’t.”
His nod was slow, his gaze steady.
“I know that look,” she said. “You gave Castelle that look before you had her bash my head in, when you kept me from coming back to Marienne to look for Starbride!”
His gaze drifted away. “I am sorry about that.”
“Make it up to me by not planning to ambush Starbride behind my back. I can figure this out, Da, and I will. Promise me.”
“Yes, yes, I promise. And I hardly need to remind you that I must put the needs of the kingdom above my own, my girl, and above my family’s.”
“You don’t have to remind me,” Katya said, practically through her teeth.
*
On the day Starbride returned, Katya greeted her at the royal stables. She grinned at the sight of her love no matter the circumstances. To her surprise, Starbride smiled back with a tired but sincere energy, and Katya’s heart sped. All the talking and planning, she wouldn’t have to use any of it. Starbride had come back to herself all on her own!
Then Starbride’s head turned as if listening to someone, and Katya’s stomach shrank into a black pit.
Still, Katya hurried down the stairs to greet them. Only when Starbride slipped down from her horse did Katya realize she wasn’t riding alone. “Who’s this?”
“Princess Katyarianna Nar Umbriel,” Starbride said tiredly, “may I present Bea, a pyradisté Roland threatened into working for him.”
Bea nearly fell in her haste to get down. She was a clumsy, tiny girl, the furthest thing from a pyradisté in Katya’s mind. “Welcome to the palace. Shouldn’t you be at the academy?”
Bea just stared, open-mouthed.
“Can she speak?” Katya asked out the side of her mouth.
“Bea, go with Freddie. He’ll find a place for you.”
Freddie led her away. As soon as they were gone, Starbride sank into Katya’s arms. “Are you okay?” Katya whispered into her hair.
“I don’t know what I am.”
It was a start. “Want to talk about it?”
“Not here.”
“Would you like to go through the halls or the secret passages?”
Starbride thought for a moment. “One of the messengers died. The other is missing.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know who the one who died was. The missing one is a woman named…” Her eyes misted over. “I can’t remember.”
Katya pressed her close and started leading her through the secret passageways, thinking she’d like that better than falling apart in the halls. “It’s all right, dearheart. I’ll find out who they were. Their families will be informed. What are you going to do with young Bea?”
Starbride sighed miserably. “I don’t know yet.”
“All right.”
“Is that all you have to say?” She jerked to a halt. With the light of the pyramids in her body, they didn’t need a lantern.
“I can see you’ve had a difficult journey.”
“Difficult?” Starbride laughed, and the sound made Katya’s ears burn as much as a peal of Fiendish speech. Though she’d have to start thinking of it as Belshrethen, and the pain it brought as another Fiendish weapon. “I feel like I’m tearing apart, Katya.”
Katya licked her lips. Oh, this was delicate, like the finest wisp of silk. Could she bring up Yanchasa now? Starbride’s mood changed like lightning strikes. “Tell me how to help you, my love, and I will do it.”
Starbride’s cool palm caressed her cheek. “And if I asked you to fetch me the moon?”
Katya leaned into the touch. “I’d run to get a ladder.”
Starbride tumbled forward, pulling Katya close. Her forehead thudded into Katya’s collarbone. “You’re my strength and my weakness.”
Katya held her and didn’t know what to feel, thinking that one description was Starbride’s opinion and the other Yanchasa’s. “I’m whatever you need me to be.”
“That’s very accommodating.”
“I’m good at accommodating.” She remembered their time in the bath and shuddered. It had been one of the best and strangest experiences of her life. She suddenly understood strength mixed with weakness.
Starbride leaned back, her eyes dry. “Why aren’t you angry with me?”
“Do you want me to be angry with you?”
“I put you to sleep without your permission, you and Maia both. There are some deeds a person can’t come back from, Katya.”
“Well…”
Starbride’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not angry because you didn’t think that was me. You think Yanchasa did it, not me.”
“So, you do want me to be angry?”
“That’s not the point!” She started walking again, and Katya had to jog to keep up with her. “I did it, me. If you’re going to be angry with anyone, be angry with me. I take responsibility.”
“All right.”
“Stop saying that!” Starbride rounded on her.
Katya took a deep breath. “Did I like being put to sleep like an errant child? No, that was very unnerving. Did I like having Redtrue pinch me awake?”
Starbride’s eyes narrowed. “What was Redtrue doing there?”
The quick change of subject left Katya floundering. “Dawnmother fetched her.”
“Why?”
“I guess she thought that since she couldn’t wake me, someone who knew pyramid magic might be able to.”
“And did she use pyramid magic on you?”
“No, I told you—”
“Pinched you.” Starbride slid her thumb along her chin, other hand on her hip. Her face swung between calculating and furious. “She shouldn’t have touched you.”
“Dearheart, she didn’t hurt me.”
“You would have awakened in your own time.”
Katya fought the urge to say, “All right.” “Thank you?” she tried, but Starbride wasn’t listening.
“Are you angry with her?” Starbride asked.
“Well, I’m always a little angry with her.”
“But not with me?”
“Well, she’s infuriating, and I love you.”
Starbride leaned her head back, mollified but still suspicious. “You’ve been angry with me before and still loved me. Is Dawnmother angry with me?”
“What is this obsession with having people be mad at you?”
“Obsession!” She huffed. “I only want everyone to be normal. What’s wrong with that?”
Katya almost said, “Look who’s talking.” Instead, she gestured down the hall. “Shall we go to my apartment? You obviously have a lot on your mind. If you won’t tell me exactly why you want me to be angry with you about the past, I’m sure I could work up to it in the present.”
Starbride started walking again and didn’t stop until they were safely in Katya’s sitting room, then she whipped around. “You should blame me for what happened because I am not Yanchasa!”
“And you think that I think Yanchasa put me to sleep, not you?”
“Finally!”
Katya watched her pace. “Okay, then. You shouldn’t have put me to sleep.”
“But you needed it.”
Katya’s mouth dropped open. “That still didn’t give yo
u the right!”
Starbride nodded as if this satisfied her somehow. “Is that all?”
“Do you want me to storm away in a huff?”
Starbride shrugged. “Do what you like.”
Well, hadn’t Katya offered to do or be whatever Starbride needed? And for some reason, Starbride needed to feel guilty and angry. She kept insisting she wasn’t Yanchasa, and maybe this bizarre turn was part of that. Yanchasa wouldn’t feel guilty. Starbride wanted to feel like herself again.
“Fine,” Katya said. “Why don’t you meditate a little on why I’m so angry? Maybe then you’ll see my point of view. What you did was a violation of trust, Starbride, and I’m not going to forgive it lightly.”
When Starbride turned, chin wobbling, Katya wanted to hold her arms out and swear that all was forgiven, but she made her court mask drop into place.
“I’m sorry,” Starbride whispered.
Katya hesitated. Was it too soon to forgive? “I need a little time to cool off before we speak again.”
Starbride’s eyes widened. “If that’s my penance, I suppose it’ll have to do.”
Katya just wanted out of this conversation before she did something else wrong. “Then I’ll see you later?” When Starbride nodded miserably, Katya let her face soften. “Get some rest, my love.”
Starbride’s face shone with gratitude, and Katya almost pulled her in for a hug, but she turned toward the door that led into the hall. She froze when she saw the spill of papers on Katya’s low table. “What’s this?”
Katya rubbed her hands together and stepped forward as lightly as if she were sneaking up on a hare. “Reports from the underground city.” Was she still supposed to be angry, or did this change of topic suggest something else? When Starbride didn’t respond, Katya said, “With their rock shifting technique, the adsnazi are plowing through the city, uncovering one house after another. The ones I found were all cleaned out, but you should see some of the artifacts the adsnazi have discovered.”
Starbride whirled around, and Katya resisted the urge to leap away. “These are about summoning Yanchasa.”
“Um, any of the council, I think, is what the cultists were hoping for. According to some old writings we found, the leaders of the old city constructed the capstone to keep any flesh-magic users out, but these cultists started to retune it to summon one. The knowledge monks think that some of the cultists might have even collaborated with the ancient Farradains to summon one of the council, but their plan backfired when they got—”
“Yanchasa,” Starbride said. “In his beast form, he was out of control.” Her head tilted again, and Katya resisted the urge to shake her. “If they’d summoned one of the others, things might have gone differently.”
Katya nodded slowly, this time taken aback by the lack of emotion in Starbride’s voice. “We can thank the spirits, well, thank someone for that.”
Starbride blinked, and her eyes turned back to normal, even with the tears. “You’ll always forgive me, won’t you?”
“I’ll always love you, dearheart, that I can promise. Blame my temper for anything else.”
Starbride choked out a sob, and before Katya could reach for her, she bolted for the door and was gone.
Chapter Thirty-two
Starbride
Starbride felt like an idiot. “What is happening to me?” she asked as she raced through the halls. “What in Darkstrong’s name came out of my mouth?”
“Are you talking to me or to yourself?” Yanchasa said, keeping pace beside her.
“Both! Neither! I went insane somewhere along the line, and no one told me.”
“It’s hard to be comrades with your lovers, I should know.”
“Katya is more than just a lover. She’s my true love.”
“I think monogamy is the death of a species.” Yanchasa shifted to female with an unpleasant look on her face. She wore only her breastplate for armor now. The rest of her was clad in dark trousers and a long, burgundy coat. A silver torque around her neck glittered in the pyramid light.
“But you loved the other members of the council?”
“Oh yes, some more than others.”
“Edette.”
She nodded. “And some of his opinions on affairs of state were infuriating.”
“Katya couldn’t understand how I feel, but maybe I wasn’t putting it right. There’s so much going on that I don’t have words for.”
“Isn’t that always the way? I’ve found deeds speak louder than words.”
But there were some deeds one couldn’t come back from. “I should do something for Dawnmother to apologize for manhandling her.”
Yanchasa sighed. “She is your servant, yes?”
“It’s not like that. You’ve been in my memory, you should know.” But knowing didn’t equal understanding. Starbride thought of the ultimate servant’s apology and knew the right course of action. When she burst into her apartment, Dawnmother started up from a pile of mending.
Starbride staggered forward and fell to her knees at Dawnmother’s feet. “I’m sorry, Dawn!”
Dawnmother patted her awkwardly, and she had a right to be confused. Such apologies normally went the other way around. “Star, it’s—”
“Don’t you dare say it’s all right!” She kept her arms locked around Dawnmother’s knees to hide her rage.
“Star.”
Starbride climbed to her feet and pulled Dawnmother into an embrace. “If you’re not angry, say you were and that you’ve forgiven me.”
Dawnmother’s arms went around her. “My life for you and also the truth.”
Starbride whirled away. “Why does everyone always want to talk and talk? I’m only asking for a few simple words!” She reached for the adsna, calming herself. “I’m sorry I grabbed you, Dawn. I’m sorry I threatened you.”
Dawnmother smoothed her rumpled shirt. “I have forgiven you.”
Starbride exhaled long and loud. “Thank you! At last. Everything is fine now, Dawn. Yanchasa and I have reached an understanding.”
“Good. I’m glad.” But her tone was carefully neutral and not at all Dawnmother.
Starbride sighed. That was probably the best she could hope for. “Katya said she would forgive me later.”
“You’ve seen the princess already?”
“She met me at the stable.” Starbride let the warm feeling flow with the adsna as she sank into a plush chair. “She loves me.”
This time, Dawnmother’s smile seemed genuine. “How could she not?”
Better. Normal. “See, everything’s going to be wonderful, just as I said.” She scratched her palm idly. The pyramid tingled a bit. “What have you been up to while I was away?”
Dawnmother turned back to her, and her eyes went to Starbride’s palm. “You’re bleeding.”
Starbride looked down. She’d picked the skin away from the pyramid in a neat little triangle, as if trying to dig it out. She let flesh magic seal the wound. “Thank you for telling me.” Maybe she should go see Katya now. But everything she said or did came out wrong. Even the adsna wasn’t helping as much as it could.
Maybe this was what Yanchasa had mentioned before, about how she’d feel again one day. She’d thought of it as something to look forward to, but it made her long for the imperious distance the adsna had provided before. She’d acted badly, but at least she hadn’t had to deal with the consequences.
Starbride knew that thought should make her feel horrible. She should have been glad that hurting another could make her feel guilty. That was what everyone had been so upset about! She hadn’t minded killing Roland’s mind-warped soldiers, and everyone had thought she should.
The idea only angered her more.
Dawnmother’s touch on her wrist brought her back to herself. “Star, your hand.”
She’d dug a trench around the other pyramid this time, smearing blood across the glowing triangle in her palm. She sealed it again. “I’m sorry I upset you, Dawn.” But the adsna was raging t
hrough her so that she couldn’t feel the emotion behind the words. “I don’t know what to do.”
Dawnmother’s lips moved so close that her breath tickled Starbride’s ear. “Give the power back, Star. You did not have these problems before.”
Starbride nearly howled with laughter. Did she think Yanchasa wouldn’t hear her if she whispered?
No, another part of her insisted. She had to listen. She hadn’t had problems sorting her emotions like this before. When she’d thought Katya was dead, she’d needed this emotional distance, but Katya was alive. Dawnmother was alive. She could relax, let the power flow back into Yanchasa’s capstone and let all these infuriating emotions rest.
But what if they weren’t the product of Yanchasa’s presence? If she gave the power back, what if the emotions stayed, but the calming adsna went away? What would she do then? Continue to bob from one feeling to the next, always sorry and angry?
And useless. She couldn’t forget that.
Starbride clenched a fist. She wasn’t useless. She’d led the rebellion, and she hadn’t had anyone sharing her head.
But she hadn’t caught Roland alone. What would the kingdom do if another threat like him reared its head?
Starbride’s eyes slipped shut, and tears trickled down her cheeks. She felt Dawnmother’s fingers wiping them away. If she spoke these thoughts, she knew what everyone would say: if trouble came again, they would deal with it. She envisioned the disintegration pyramid that had almost claimed Katya’s life and knew she couldn’t accept that.
Dawnmother hugged her, arms warm around her shoulders. Starbride disentangled from her and stood. “I’m sorry, Dawn.” But for what she didn’t know. She was apologizing a lot lately. “I have to go.”
“Where?”
“Outside. I need to think.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“No.” She smiled to take out the sting, but she couldn’t be sure if Dawnmother accepted it or not. “I’ll be back soon.”
*
She decided to take the secret passages, wanting to avoid the stares, at least until she sorted her feelings out. “Did this ever happen to you?” she whispered to the dark. “As your power grew, did your confusion grow also?”
The Fiend Queen Page 29
