“It is not so much the estate that makes me happy. Or I should say it does not make me unhappy as I thought it might. It is Cat that makes me happy and now George as well.” Ben stopped abruptly. “I am so sorry, Shep. It was thoughtless of me to go on like that.”
“No, no.” Shep smiled. “I am very glad for you.” It was true. He would never wish Ben and his family anything but happiness, and he did not want to be treated differently just because of what he had lost.
“But of course, you must be thinking of Rosemary,” Ben continued quietly. He could not imagine Shep’s loss. He did not think he could survive it.
“Yes, I think of her…and the baby.” Shep squinted at the sun and then let out a sigh as he decided to confide in his friend. It was pointless to keep any of his feelings away from the person who knew him best in the world. “Can I speak plainly?” When Ben nodded, he continued, “I was happy with Rosemary. But I did not marry her because I loved her. It was not as if I had a moment like you did with Catherine, where the whole world stilled, and all the love stories suddenly made sense. It was not like that at all. It was nothing like that.” Shep had only had that moment with one woman, but that was not something he could share with Ben because the person he experienced that with was Ben’s sister.
“Everyone is not the same,” Ben replied, patiently. “And it is not like Cat and I did not have our moments where it seemed impossible. You must know that.”
Shep shook his head. “You misunderstand me. You loved Cat and there were obstacles. Plenty of them, from what you have told me. But with Rosemary… I did not love her,” he admitted hoarsely. “Instead, I could see what our life could be. She was so sweet, so kind. She brought a kind of peace to those around her. And after the way I was brought up, well…that is what I yearned for. I thought that I could love her with time. And I know that in the end, there was love between us. But it was not a love match. I was just determined not to end up like my parents.” He paused and cleared his throat. “I did love her in the end. But I wonder if that was fair to her.”
“How can you say that? You were a good husband to her.” Ben knew better than to look at his friend. Instead, they both continued to gaze at the large estate. “You are an honorable man, and you fulfilled your vows to your wife, Shep. You have to believe that.”
Shep nodded and shifted in his saddle as his horse grew a bit restless. He rubbed a hand down the gray’s neck. “Yes, I was a good husband to her. But a better man might have married her for love, because he could not do without her, as you married Catherine. Maybe then Rosemary would still be alive…”
Benjamin was aghast. “You cannot possibly blame yourself for her death. And besides, it is not as if there was some woman you loved instead.”
Shep smiled ruefully and then gulped. Oh, the secrets he had kept from his best friend. “You would be surprised what I can tell myself in the middle of the night when I wake from a nightmare of her screams. If I would have done something differently, if it was not some type of cosmic payback for not loving her as much as I could.” He shook his head to clear it. “But let us talk of pleasanter things now.”
“All right,” Benjamin agreed. “But only let me say this: God does not work like that. It was not cosmic payback and you did nothing wrong. I know you want to change the subject but I cannot go on with you thinking like this. And I know it is not my usual sentiments but Cat has shown me that God is good even in the most difficult of circumstances.”
Shep shrugged. “Perhaps. But enough about me for now.”
Benjamin stared at him for a long moment. “You know, sometimes you and Julia remind me so much of one another…which is so strange considering how poorly you get along.” He could actually hear his sister saying some of the same things Shep had just told him about.
Shep let out a strangled laugh. In truth, talking about Julia with Ben had been difficult for many years and he always sought to avoid it, but he also could not believe there were similarities between the two of them, as both Cat and Ben had proposed. “I cannot think of one similarity, Ben.”
Ben laughed so loudly and for so long, he startled both horses. “You must be joking. You both pretend to take the hardships of life lightly when perhaps you feel them more acutely than the rest of us. You both rarely let your guard down, even with those closest to you. And you both seem intent on blaming yourselves for deficiencies that do not exist or actions beyond your control.” Ben grinned, letting his dimples show. “Shall I go on? Because I can, Shep. You may not be able to raise a single brow with the skill she has, but otherwise, you have always seemed quite alike to me. It is nothing new, in my humble opinion, of course.”
“All right, all right, old chap,” Shep murmured. “You have made your point. So? What does it matter if Julia and I are alike?” Although Benjamin had made his point clearly, it would be something that Shep would have to digest later when he was alone. It seemed like no matter how much he promised himself not to think of her, he could not help himself. He could not even blame Benjamin for bringing her up, since he was already thinking of her today. When he thought about the way he had not loved Rosemary when they married, he could not help but think about the fact that he had loved Julia. The two were completely intertwined and remained the roots of much of his guilt now that she was gone. “I do not even know if I agree with your opinion, but for argument’s sake, let us say, I do. What does it matter?”
Benjamin looked back at the house, the place where he’d grown up with Julia and also with Shep, the French gardens where they had played hide and seek all through the high of summer. Julia had always tried desperately to keep up with them whenever they rode and did quite the job of it, all while riding side saddle. “I suppose it just hits me at odd moments like it did just now. It makes me wonder why is it that you have never gotten along with one another.”
“If it troubles you, I can endeavor to make more of an effort to be polite.” Shep straightened in his saddle. This was a dangerous topic. The last thing he wanted to talk about was Julia. Whether they were arguing or not, her presence alone made him feel itchy. He could not stop the old memories or the feelings from surfacing. “Has she said something to you about it?” Shep asked as casually as possible.
Ben rolled his eyes. “Even if Julia had a problem with you, she would never admit it. You must know that. It is yet another thing you two have in common.”
“I like to think I am at least slightly less hard headed than she is,” Shep said in his own defense.
Ben snorted. “Right.”
Shep grinned. “And poor you, in the middle of us all these years.”
“Cat says you act the way you do with one another because… Oh, never you mind. I wanted to speak to you about something serious today.”
Whenever Benjamin wanted to speak of something serious, he meant it. He was a man who avoided such topics unless absolutely necessary. Although that had changed somewhat since his marriage to Cat, Shep could tell this topic was important before his old friend even said a word.
“You have seen Cat’s scars, and I have told you she got them during a house fire. Before we married, we received new information that the fire may have been set on purpose. I want to…I need to find out who did this to her and her family.”
“Of course,” Shep replied loyally. Although he did feel that he had to be honest with his friend. “Only, it has been…more than a decade, if I remember correctly. It may be difficult to unravel that mystery.”
“Yes, I know it may difficult. It may be impossible, but I cannot…” Benjamin’s hands clenched uselessly on his reins. “I have to do something. It brings up a lot of memories for her and so I…I think it is best that I handle as much of it as I can on my own. The first thing I have decided to do is advertise a reward for any information in the few shops in Pritchford and at the Inn. Maybe even in Ripon as well.”
“Money talks,” Shep acknowledged.
“It does,” Ben agreed. “And it would show people how
very serious I am about this.”
“You know the area better than I do.” Shep wanted to help Ben and Cat. Of course, he wanted to help. But he also wanted to be realistic. Still, there were factors that remained in their favor. “But it seems as though most of the families and the people from that time might remain. You may not need to go to Ripon.”
Ben grimaced. “I know Cat would prefer it if I kept it as quiet as I could.” He did not even consider her scars unless he thought of the possibility that someone had intentionally hurt the family and therefore intentionally hurt his wife. Then, his memories of the night they met as children would assault him endlessly until she pressed her lips to his and stroked his hair and promised him that she was all right. But the pain she went through! And all for what?
“Keeping the advertisements in Pritchford would help that, surely,” Shep noted. His friend had gone pale.
Benjamin scowled. “The only thing that I do not like about that is that it means someone she or I or both of us know or knew then is the culprit. To think it might have been someone of our acquaintance…”
Shep bit his lip, treading softly on what he knew was a difficult subject. “You know; it was most likely someone her family knew. If it was set on purpose…it was not a stranger.”
“I know,” Ben said through his teeth, none of his anger directed at Shep. “She says it may be like opening Pandora’s Box. But…”
“You love her. And you need to know. Because you could not protect her then but this you can do,” Shep replied, relating to his friend based on his own circumstances.
Benjamin nodded curtly, dug a heel into his horse, and was off again. Shep followed. He had grown to love Cat and what she had brought to his friend’s life. There was nothing Shep would not do for the Frederickson family and now Cat was a part of that. He would do whatever was necessary to help his best friend and his wife, even if it was trying to figure out a decade-old mystery.
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5
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“But you are going to get married.”…
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CHAPTER FIVE
Are You What You Seem?
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Julia did not let other people into her life easily. She loved her family, of course. But she had learned in the most difficult way what could happen when she gave her heart to someone. Cat had been different, though. Julia had rooted for her brother and Cat, meddled even, to ensure they would be together. If ever there were two people who were meant to be with one another, it was them. At first, it was simply about seeing her brother happy. But Cat was an easy person to love and a good sister. In a very short time, they were the best of friends. It was a happy surprise to find a friend in her brother’s wife, one she had not necessarily expected.
As close as Ben and Julia were as siblings, Cat was with her younger sister, perhaps even more so because of the trauma they endured as young girls. Cat and her family came as a package deal. It did not bother Ben in the slightest. In fact, he had been charmed by Cat’s younger sister. Julia did not expect for the same thing to happen to her as well but, surprisingly, it had.
Julia had grown to not only love Catherine’s younger sister, Jane, but to enjoy her, too. Jane remained open to the world, despite what had befallen her family. She had an innate ability to see the truth of someone’s character, and to find good in nearly everyone, while getting to the heart of most matters much more quickly than most adults. Because of her sweet nature, she was able to articulate honest truths that otherwise would have gone unsaid.
No one would ever accuse Julia of kindness, except those who knew her best. She could be cold and unfeeling and she knew it. Moreover, she hated the fact that it was not a matter of being strong but fear that kept her from being open and loving and free like Jane.
She shook her head to clear it, hating that Shep’s presence in her home was causing her to analyze herself. “When are you going to come with me to London to see if we can start finding some gowns for your coming out?” Julia asked Jane. They both sat on the divan with George in Jane’s lap. She visited often, along with her father, to see the baby. Honestly, Jane was the only one Julia did not mind sharing George with, other than his parents, of course.
Jane blushed a little, making the light dusting of freckles on her nose a bit more pronounced. She was fair like her sister, her eyes a bit dreamier blue than Cat’s. She was growing up to be a beautiful young woman. “Oh, I could not impose on you, Lady Julia.”
“Julia,” she corrected. “How many times have we gone over this? I do not extend that courtesy to just anyone, you know. You must obey it,” Julia continued with mock sternness, making Jane laugh.
“Oh, Julia.” Jane smiled. “What will you do when society finds out you are not as hard as you pretend to be?” Once again, the girl cut to the heart of the matter.
“Why, I shall steal away to the Americas and pretend to be hard there,” Julia replied as if it was a conspiracy. She tickled George’s stomach, making him giggle. “You know, Jane. I never thought to like my brother’s wife, let alone my brother’s wife’s sister.”
“What a mouthful!” Jane giggled, making her seem younger than she was. Had Julia ever been that young? She only remembered feeling older than her years, bitterly angry that because she was born female and would have to leave Pritchford Place someday and all of it would be Ben’s. “You used to frighten me a little, when I would see you in town, before Cat and Ben met again. But now… Well, now I know the truth.”
“Oh, and what is that? Shall we ask her, George?” She touched his nose to include him in the conversation he could not possibly understand, although he did begin to chant, “Ju! Ju! Ju!”
“That you love people more deeply and completely than anyone I have ever known,” Jane replied seriously. “Though you seek to hide it.”
Julia stared at the girl, her mouth open in what she was certain was the most unbecoming way. But she was truly speechless for the first time in a long while.
“I think you may be wrong about that.” Shep’s voice came from behind them, where he had obviously been watching and listening. Julia had no idea how long he had been there or what he had heard.
At once, Jane stood with the baby in her arms and curtsied as well as she could with George in her arms. “Your Grace,” she murmured politely.
“Those are very nice manners, Jane,” Julia complimented. “But save them for the real gentlemen you will meet… Those who do not eavesdrop on private conversations.” She raised her eyebrow at Shep, looking at him as condescendingly as she could. He was always there, wherever she went, like an itch she could not scratch and she hated it. She wanted to hate him, the constant living reminder of the single greatest heartbreak of her life, but it was hard. It was hard to hate him, and yet she knew she needed to in order to be strong. He had not been difficult to fall in love with the first time. She could not risk it again.
“Perhaps he just did not want to interrupt,” Jane offered, always the peacemaker.
“You are too kind,” Julia told her sincerely, because it was the truth. “In this case, you are actually much too kind. Everywhere I go, it seems Shep likes to put his nose in my business.”
“My life does not revolve around you,” Shep reminded her, grinning at her in a cheeky way that told her he was not only well aware that he was annoying Julia but that he was also thoroughly enjoying doing so.
“You must be the exception,” she demurred, batting her eyelashes dramatically. “Most men say otherwise.”
“I admit that I did eavesdrop, but only because I was so surprised to see Julia acting so friendly toward another female,” Shep replied as he sat indolently on the chair opposite them. “You will forgive me… Jane, is it? You’ll forgive me, Jane, but I am used to holding her back while she tries to scratch other girls’ eyes out.”
“Excuse me, Your Grace,�
� Jane began, her face turned down toward the baby. “I think you may not know her as well as you think. I’ve heard you spent summers here as a boy and if that is so, you must know that Julia cares for people very well. Why, I could tell you the story of how she took up for my sister. It was bloodless.” Jane grinned, thinking of the ball where Cat had overheard ugly gossip. “And quite effective at the same time.” At last, she lifted her eyes specifically to Shep’s. He found them surprisingly wise for a girl so young. “She only pretends differently because she would rather not be hurt. After all, we all act certain ways to protect ourselves, do we not?”
Shep felt as if she could see inside his head as he thought of all the ways he kept Julia at bay because caring for her, admitting even to himself, any feelings for her, felt catastrophic. But he was saved by Julia, who did not like the turn of the conversation.
“Pish posh.” Julia waved the analysis away as if it did not matter to her, when in fact an embarrassing lump was forming in her throat. She loved Jane, who was insightful beyond her years, but Julia never wanted to seem vulnerable in front of Shep. “I am just as mean and cold hearted as a snake, just like Shep says.” Jane raised her eyes questioningly, and Julia only arched an eyebrow in response. “Why not ask him? He is never wrong after all.”
Jane’s stare was uncanny, and Julia had to look away.
Thank goodness for the soft sounds of silk slippers coming toward the group. Neither Julia nor Shep were totally comfortable with Jane’s insights.
“Oh, there you are! Carlisle said you were here, Jane, and then I wondered where the baby was. I was sure that you and Julia had stolen him away,” Catherine told the group as she entered the room.
Regency Romance: The Duke’s Ever Burning Passion (Fire and Smoke: CLEAN Historical Romance) Page 4
