“You can marry me,” he told her, taking her hand and holding it against his heart where it beat quickly beneath her fingers. “And then you will not have to marry the marquis.” He continued even though she had gone still as a statue in his embrace, “I could rescue you. As for children, I do not know. It would worry me after what happened to Rosemary. But at the very least, you would not have to live with that awful man. There would be a solution to that problem at least.”
“You could rescue me…” she repeated slowly, as she pulled her body away from his. She held her hand to her mouth and bit down, whether to keep from laughing or crying, she could not tell which. She felt nearly hysterical, still able to feel his arms around her body. “Do I have this right? You are offering to marry me…to save me from the marquis. To solve my problem?”
“Is that not what I just said?” he snapped. He hated to be vulnerable to her. He hated that she just could not answer him yes like a normal person.
“Once you wrote to me of love,” she told him, raising her brow, which should have been a warning of what was to come. “Once you said you could not do without me. I always wondered what changed. What made you turn away from me all those years ago?”
“Is that so important when I have the ability to rescue you from your current predicament?” he asked with a sigh. If there was one conversation he wanted to avoid, it was that one. After all, they had both managed to avoid it for years.
“It is incredibly important to me,” she replied quietly, and solemnly in a way that made him want to answer her question. She had not demanded but simply asked. So he would try to explain.
Shep ran his fingers through his golden hair. “Julia, I did love you. I never lied to you, could never lie to you, about that. It was only when I considered… I saw my parents and how volatile they were, and how unhappy. I think they loved each other once. And with you and I… Once the love was gone, all we would be left with was our arguments, and I could just picture us like my parents, screaming at one another and hating one another. I did not want that. Not for me. Or the children I might have. Or even for you.”
“So you found someone sweet and docile like Rosemary. You found someone with whom you did not argue.” Julia nodded as if she was finally understanding, as if she had figured out a particularly difficult sum. “And so you fell in love with her.”
“Not at first,” he admitted. “I do not like to speak of it, but when I first approached Rosemary, I was still very much in love with you and heartsick over the decision I had made. But I thought could make a life with her that was peaceful. I thought even without love we could and would respect one another, because the relationship did not begin from a place of passion.” Shep stood. He felt guilty for speaking of such things when Rosemary was dead. He felt guilty having to say these words aloud to Julia, remembering how difficult it had been to write her the letter years ago. “I do not know why we are speaking of this when I have just offered to rescue you, Jules.”
She had been slowly backing away from him upon hearing his explanation. To think that he had not even left her because he loved Rosemary made it worse somehow. “I do not want to be rescued!” she screamed, tears streaming down her beautiful face. “I want to be loved, damn you! That is all I have ever wanted and if we argued, it was because I loved you for a long time before we admitted our feelings to one another. And after that, I argued with you because I was never sure…I could never be certain if you meant it all when you were intent on keeping us a secret.”
She laughed. “I was young and reckless and I did not know how to ask for what I needed or explain it to you and you never gave me a chance to grow up. You never gave us a chance to grow at all. Perhaps you did make the right decision, because it sounds as if you never loved me at all if you were willing to let go of what we had for what? Someone who would never disagree with you?”
He did not know what to say. In some ways, he had never known what to say to Julia and perhaps that had been the rub. She had confounded him at every step. But here was her heart, bleeding before him, telling him exactly what she wanted and needed, what she had wanted and needed all along. And she was right. He had not given her a chance and he had chosen the easy way out. In doing so, he had most likely hurt Rosemary but very clearly had hurt Julia. He reached for her but it was half-hearted, and she twisted away from him. He felt as if someone had landed a good right hook to his face.
“I have loved you for so long,” she continued as she wrapped her arms around herself. “But I could never admit it. Did you ever consider that might be the reason for the tension between us, the reason we fought? Once we kissed, once we began writing to one another, there was no need to carry on as we had before. But then you ended things and I could not just stop loving you, so I had to stop being kind to you or I would not have survived the loss of you.”
“Then accept my proposal, Julia,” he insisted. He knew what she was saying was important, but at the same time it was too much to process. She always gave him too much to think about, and he couldn’t think through his feelings as quickly as she did. Now, he was focused on protecting her from the marquis. He had to focus on that instead of the hole that seemed to be widening in his chest. “Your mother would be happy to see us married. Ben, Cat… Everyone would support the match.”
“It would be no different than you marrying Rosemary because she was agreeable. Do you know what it would be like for me to know that you married me out of pity and not out of love?” she asked softly, her voice so sad it brought tears to his own throat. “It would be liking dying slowly, from the inside out. I think I might prefer the marquis to that.” She turned and ran from him, leaving her white satin slippers in the garden, before he could call to her or reach for her.
He sat heavily on the bench. How could he have bungled something so badly? Why was it so difficult for them to be honest with one another, to understand each other? Why did they have to wait until it was too late? Why had he not spoken to her all those years ago over his concerns instead of deciding for the both of them? Had it been as she said, had he chosen Rosemary because he had known she would always defer to him? Why had she waited so long to reveal the depth of her feelings?
Oh, she flirted and teased him and he had known that she loved him, but he was always the one making the declarations back then. It had felt as if he was always the one risking his heart. But how stupid he had been! It had nothing to do with how much she had loved him. It was her own fear and self-protection and vulnerability that kept her feelings restrained. At least that much was clear now.
Unfortunately, he realized, as he put his head in hands, so much more remained unclear between them.
* * *
13
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“I am very tired …”
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CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Julia’s Options
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Catherine stood outside her sister-in-law’s bedroom door the morning after the horrible dinner with marquis. Not only did he stare at Cat’s scars, but the way he spoke with so much vulgarity in front of and to Julia was heart wrenching. It would not affect Cat’s life too much if Julia married such a man, but it would make for a miserable life for Julia, the woman Cat considered a second sister.
Last night, Ben had been enraged on both his wife’s account and his sister’s, but Cat had insisted they focus on Julia. “It is not my life that would change, Ben,” she had told him gently. “We must support your sister the best way we know how. And that may mean we are at cross purposes with your mother. But you must agree, to have her marry that man… That would not be a life. Especially not for Julia.”
He had agreed, which was why Cat was knocking gently at Julia’s door. She had not come down for breakfast, claiming illness. “Julia,” Catherine called as she knocked on the door again. “May I come in? I would like to check on you.”
“I am fine,” Julia called back through the door. “Really. Please do not worry about me.”
“Julia.” Cat knocked again. This was important, and she did not mind being persistent and even annoying, especially because Julia had involved herself in Cat’s life once upon a time. Cat only hoped she had as good results as Julia did when it came to interfering.
“Oh, all right,” Julia allowed. “As long as it is only you.”
“It is only me,” Cat told her as she turned the knob and entered, closing the door and locking it behind her. “Your mother threatened to come up, but I told her I would handle it.”
Julia’s brow rose. “You told Mama that?”
“I do not stand up to your mother very often,” Cat said quietly as she moved toward the bed Julia was currently occupying. “It is not my place. I like to save it for when it really matters.” She touched the back of Julia’s hand. “This really matters.”
Julia swallowed back tears. She had already cried too much and her face was swollen and blotchy. “Thank you. I do not know what I would have done if she would have come up. She did not believe me when I claimed to be unwell?”
Cat sighed. “No.” She took in Julia’s countenance. For such a beautiful woman, she looked miserable. “I do not think anyone believed it after last night’s dinner. Seeing you now, though, you do not look well at all. But you know that will not matter to your mother nor to the marquis,” Catherine said with sympathy. “Is it him? Can you not bear him?”
“Of course I cannot bear him,” Julia snapped as she sat up in bed. “He is awful. I despise him. But to tell you the truth,” she sighed dramatically, “I think Shep may be worse.”
“Shep?” Cat asked, her eyes wide and innocent as she took in Julia’s swollen eyes and face, how she remained in her nightgown though it was midday. She had known it had to be more than the marquis, since Julia’s way of dealing with such a man would be to show how little she cared, not to make a fuss and claim illness. Julia would definitely not cry over a man like the marquis. But something, or rather someone, had made her cry quite a bit, going by the looks of the swelling around her eyes. “Shep made you cry?”
“Who else?” Julia flung the words out then lay back in a huff. “I have kept the secret for a long time but after last night I do not care if you know, Cat. I do not care who knows. Years ago, when Ben and Shep were at Oxford and he was still spending summers here, we fell in love. He gave me cause to think that we would marry…” Her voice drifted off as she remembered. The box of letters was still beneath the very bed they both sat on. “I do not think he lied. For a while, I told myself he must have lied, but I don’t think so anymore. It is not in him to lie. I think he wanted it as much as I did…at least at first. But it was a dream, because then he was throwing me off and telling me it was not meant to be and that it would not be a good match. And he met Rosemary.”
“Oh, Julia,” Cat soothed as she stroked the other woman’s hair. It had to be true heartbreak if Julia was allowing herself to be cuddled this way. “I always suspected there was something more to the tension between you. But Ben denied it whenever I brought it up. And I had no idea that it was so deep rooted. Or how much he means to you.”
“I do not know what he means to me now,” Julia admitted quietly. “It is very complicated. But once upon a time? I would have done anything to marry him. But he did not want me.” One lone tear snuck past her defenses.
“Oh, Julia,” Cat sighed. Her heart ached at the thought of it.
Julia laughed harshly as she clutched her sister-in-law’s hand. “I dare you to guess what it took for Shep to finally ask me to marry him, the one thing I’ve wished for all these years.”
“The marquis,” Cat answered without enthusiasm. “How horrible for you!”
“He offered to rescue me! Can you believe it?” Julia scoffed as she sat up further. “He used those words, Cat. He said that his proposal could be a solution to the problem of the marquis. He was talking about something Ben had said.” She gestured uselessly with her hand. “Something about how he would sacrifice anything if he could keep you from pain. I do not exactly remember, because before I knew it, Shep was suggesting I allow him to rescue me by marrying him.”
“What did you say?” Cat murmured quietly.
“I told him I did not want or need to be rescued!” She took a deep breath to keep from sobbing again. “Because… Oh, I hate that he thinks of it that way, that I am a woman in a situation who needs to be rescued. I wish…I want to rescue myself! And if that is not bad enough…I told him I did not want to be rescued, I want to be loved.”
“And what did he say to that?” Cat inquired gently.
“I hardly remember. It is such a blur. But I know there was no mention of love on his part.” She sniffled a little bit. “I know I should be happy. He did offer me a way out of the marquis situation, but to hear the man I…the man I loved…the man I love…ask me to marry him to save me from that grotesque figure Mama invited over…” She closed her eyes as tears threatened to fall. “He does not love me. He never will. And I cannot stand the thought of marrying him knowing that.”
“Of course you cannot.” Cat continued to stroke her hair.
“I think I would die a little each day if I married him knowing he did not love me as I loved him,” Julia told her softly, leaning into her. “But the awful part is, that would be a solution to the issue of the marquis. So what am I to do?”
“Is this a rhetorical question or do you really want my opinion?” Cat asked.
“I really want to know your opinion,” Julia told her. “I know I can be hard headed and stubborn, but I could really use some advice here. And besides, you are so level headed.”
“I have to say this first then,” Cat began. “You know that whatever you decide, your brother and I will support and love you.”
Julia rolled her eyes but smiled at the same time, warmed by the truth of that statement. “I know.”
“I do not want you to marry the marquis,” Cat admitted. “Not because I do not like him, but because I do not think you could find a way to be happy with him. And I do not know what Shep was thinking during your altercation last night, so I cannot speak on that. A part of me wants you to take his offer, just to ensure that the marquis is out of your life.” Cat held up her hand before Julia interrupted. “But I understand why you feel you cannot. I can relate to it even. If you truly believe Shep does not love you, then it would be very difficult to marry him if you do love him.”
“I never said I loved him,” Julia snapped.
She had said it, but Cat knew better to argue about such things. “All right. Then the way I see it, there is only one option.”
“Really?” Julia laughed humorlessly. “Because the way I see it, I am out of options.”
“Rescue yourself,” Cat offered, squeezing Julia’s hand. “Now, I have to go back downstairs to keep your mother from coming up. I shall tell her that you truly are unwell. I will make every excuse I can for you but, Julia… What are you going to do? I know you seem intent on not staying here but truly, I know I can speak for Ben when I say that we would rather you stay with us then go with that awful man.”
“I am very tired,” Julia said at last. “I cannot think anymore. To be quite honest, I have no idea what I will do.”
* * *
14
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Do we make one another happy? …
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CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The Reason for Shep’s Unhappiness
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The marquis was not pleased, stating with disdain that he would never want a wife who was often unwell, while the dowager assured him that this was most unusual for Julia. She looked at Ben to confirm the truth but he was silently stewing over his breakfast. He could not be part of this plan to match the marquis and Julia, not if he loved his
sister at all. To his mother, remaining unmarried was a fate worse than death. But staring at such an awful man, Ben knew that she was wrong. Cat had explained as much to him the night before as he vented his frustrations at his mother.
“You have known the family for a long time, Duke,” the marquis said later as he took Shep aside after the dinner. “Is this very like the Lady Julia? Should I take it as a personal insult? I do not want a weakling for a wife. I want her to bear me strong sons, after all.”
Julia still had not emerged from her room and when her mother had demanded a report from Smith, Smith had said that Julia was only able to manage a little broth. The dowager was at least satisfied that Julia truly was ill once she had that information, but she had to do damage control lest the marquis think Julia a sickly woman.
Shep could barely hide his contempt for the man and the dowager was on Shep’s last nerve, which said quite a bit because the woman had taken him in every summer of his life practically. Though his own heart was in turmoil, he had little choice but to reply evenly, “I have never known much to keep Lady Julia down and if for some reason something does, it is not for long. She is the strongest woman of my association.”
“See?” the dowager crowed. “I told you she was not a sickly girl.”
“Well then,” the marquis said. “I cannot wait to be very personally associated with her then.”
Regency Romance: The Duke’s Ever Burning Passion (Fire and Smoke: CLEAN Historical Romance) Page 9
