At least she was not there too, with his words, which felt very much like his actual presence sometimes. Now in the Frederickson townhouse in London, Julia had another issue to deal with. Inwardly, she was screaming like a child throwing the worst tantrum. She had no wish to do what would be done today, but she could find no way around it. And she had looked and looked and looked.
She would have to see the marquis today, as he was coming to call, and it was time to give him an answer. Her mother had given her a long lecture before they left Pritchford Place, since she was not accompanying them to London, and Julia had nodded dutifully throughout the whole thing. Her mother had even praised her for understanding that this was the best thing for her.
“Will you be all right?” Cat asked anxiously as they sat in the drawing room waiting for him to be brought in. She had tried to talk to Julia about it more, but Julia had promised that she was fine. It was clear she was not. Cat was a mother now, which meant she could tell that Julia was not sleeping, not eating correctly, and generally not taking very good care of herself. It took everything in Cat to keep from mothering the woman she considered a sister, especially when she had very much mothered her actual sister.
“Yes, I think…I think it is best if you leave me to do this on my own,” Julia said with more courage than she felt in the moment. She actually felt as if she was jumping off a cliff into an unknown and frightening future. “In fact, I believe I need to do it on my own.”
The Marquis of Pomfrey was shown in by the London butler and all Julia could do was stare at his buckled shoes, which she found ostentatious, though this view was preferred to his very oily hair. He kissed her hand, and as usual, he held it to his lips for too long.
“Please excuse me,” Cat told him as kindly as she could, though everything in her wanted to scream for him to leave so that Julia would not have to marry him. “I will just be in the other room.” She could not help but add, “I will be leaving the doors open.”
The marquis looked as if he was about to enjoy the most delicious meal of his life as he rubbed his hands together and sat on the divan, much too close for Julia’s liking. “Now, my dear. It has been a long while since I have asked you. Tell me you answer. Will you marry me?” She had to turn away from him slightly due to his breath. It was not disgusting but it was not appealing either. And he was sitting so very close.
“I am very honored that you would ask,” she began, her eyes humbly on her hands. She felt shaky and nervous, and she was not used to feeling anything less than confident. Although, she could not remember the last time she had felt confident, probably since before Shep arrived at Pritchford Place months ago. “You…” She did not believe in false compliments, but she saw no way around this. “You are too good. And you have been very patient.” That, at least, was true. “I must tell you that in these past months, I have thought a great deal about this matter and I…”
He leaned nearer to her and placed the back of his hand to her neck. At his touch, she reared back. She could not go through with it. There was no way. She could not live like this. It was no life at all.
She shook her head as if to clear it and stood, beginning to pace the room as she twisted her hands together. “I cannot marry you, my Lord.”
It was his turn to stand, but this time the gesture was done in outrage. “How dare you lead me to believe you would accept?”
She shook her head, arching her eyebrow once she finished. “My Lord, trust me. I did not. I told you I would have to think about it, and I did exactly as I said I would. I am a woman of my word. To be very honest with you, I came very close to saying yes.” The relief that flooded through her now made it clear she had made the right decision but how close she had come to making the wrong one left her a little light headed.
“Well, what is the matter then? If you almost said yes, then there is no reason why you should not just say yes,” he insisted.
“I cannot marry you,” she repeated. It was the only thing she knew for sure in this moment. She did not know what was next for her. She did not know what the consequences of refusing him would be, only that there would be consequences.
“Your mother…” he sputtered.
“I am very sorry if she gave you cause to think otherwise,” she said sincerely, because this she truly did mean. No matter his faults, it was unfair that her mother had made him believe her answer would be yes. But then she stood up straighter as she realized she had just made a choice about her future and it meant she would be standing alone. “But I speak for myself.”
Her whole life she had wanted to be loved. She had wanted someone to champion her. But for the first time, she felt glad to be speaking for herself. She was capable and strong and brave. She could do this.
“This is outrageous,” he bellowed, calling for his coat with his next breath. “If you think someone else will make you a better offer, I hope you know how very wrong you are. You may be one of the most beautiful women I have ever known, but you have reputation for being quite a witch.”
Julia flinched involuntarily, since he had just voiced one of her primary insecurities she had struggled against her whole life. She had always been too assertive for a woman, too confident. She had always spoken her mind too much, too brashly. “Believe me, my Lord. I do not deny you because I have a better offer. There are no other offers. I just do not believe we would make one another very happy.”
“And what does happiness have to do with marriage?” he asked as he blustered, calling again for his coat quite loudly.
She smiled helplessly, feeling unlike herself and yet completely like herself at the same time. It was the strangest thing. “Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. The fact that you would ask such a question proves to me that we would not suit. Neither of us would be very happy, my Lord.”
“There is nothing left to say here, I see,” he stated stubbornly. “People warned me about you and your reputation. But I was willing to overlook that in light of…your other qualities. Do not expect me to speak well of you in the future, Lady Julia.”
“I understand,” she replied with humility. “You will do what you have to do, just as I have.”
He looked at her queerly. At his latest statement, he had expected her to yell or argue with him. But she seemed resigned to her fate.
As soon as he left, she sat heavily on the silk damask divan. Cat hurried into the room. “I thought you were going to accept him,” Cat exclaimed, her hand on her belly. “Why was he so angry?”
When Julia smiled, it was only tinged with a bit of sadness. “I hope you do not mind very much having a spinster sister-in-law living with you for the rest of her life.”
She hugged Julia. “Of course not! I only want your happiness.”
“I do not know if I would go that far.” Julia raised a brow. “But at least I am free. That has to be worth something, does it not?”
“Oh, Jules. Do you think you might consider speaking with Shep?” Cat asked hopefully.
“That dream has long passed me by, Cat. Please do not think I refused the marquis for Shep or the hope that Shep and I could work things out. I did it for me. I have to find a new dream, and I am determined to do so.”
Cat’s eyes teared up as she grasped her sister’s hand. “And we will be here all the while. No matter what.”
Julia smiled gratefully. She allowed a single tear to fall down her cheek before she wiped it away. “I will never be able to express what you mean to me, Cat. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. It is very humbling to know that I do need others, that I am not self-sufficient, and thank God that he has given me people like you and Ben and Jane.”
Shep’s name was suspiciously absent.
* * *
19
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For the first time, hope did not feel painful. …
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CHAPTER NINETEEN
/> Faith and Hope
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Jane had been excited to help with Julia’s coiffure for the ball in London but Julia could not find the enthusiasm. After all, she had done this many times. She understood it from Jane’s perspective, since next year Jane would be out in society and attending balls and meeting young men and filling her dance card for the first time. Jane was on the brink of something. Julia, on the other hand, felt like she was lost at sea in a water-logged boat. She had done many seasons in London, squandering them first because of her heartbreak and then because she would not allow herself to be hurt again.
She was tired, especially since she had, in essence, taken her fate into her own hands and decided she would rather remain unmarried. Knowing the choice was the right one did not stop her from dreading the consequences. Still, she knew many women did not have the luxury of her family’s wealth nor an understanding brother. She thanked God for those blessings and bit her lip at her own exhausted and vacant stare in the mirror.
So letting Jane play as her London’s lady’s maid also helped. She was not quite as good as Smith, but she did manage to weave in a bit of gold jewelry into Julia’s dark hair. Her skin glowed against the champagne-colored gown. She had not wanted to wear white as all the other girls did.
Julia was not trying very hard, and Jane could tell but did not speak of it until the very end. “You know,” she murmured with a grin as she did up the last buttons of the dress. “A lot of girls would hate you if they knew how very little effort you put in and still you are the most beautiful girl in any room.”
Julia had smiled for Jane’s sake, but all she could think was: I am not a girl anymore. I am an adult living an adult’s life with adult consequences, learning that we rarely get what we want in life. She could not believe how maudlin she had become. She promised herself that after tonight and a good night’s sleep, she would rest up and be back to her old self. After all, she did have a family. She had Ben and Cat and George and their baby. She even had Jane, who had proven herself to be an incredible addition to her life.
Jane had pressed her cheek to Julia’s just before they stepped out the door. “You never know what will happen tonight,” she whispered.
“I think I can guess. The same dances, the same people.”
Jane grinned, squeezing Julia’s hand. “Have some faith,” she urged.
“Jane,” Julia began as she arched her brow. “Are you under the impression that I am living out a fairy tale?”
“Perhaps,” Jane teased. “If so, then I shall have to be your fairy godmother.”
Julia tapped the young girl’s nose. “Next year, I will be your fairy godmother and you will go off to find your prince charming. That won’t be happening for me tonight. And do you know what? That is all right.”
“You never know,” Jane insisted, and Julia let it go. The last thing she wanted was to help Jane become jaded with the whole experience.
Even though she had been expecting Shep to be there, it was still a shock. Her stomach felt uneasy until she found his face in the crowd. Would she have been more irritated if he had not attended at all? She did not know and did not want to analyze her feelings. She had done nothing but that for weeks.
She considered meandering toward him to say hello, just so it could be over with, but her courage failed her. Instead, she tried to ignore him, but it was difficult when he looked so golden and handsome and his green eyes followed her wherever she went. She thought it was unfair that he would look at her in such a way when things were completely over between them. Why, if she did not know any better, she would think he still had feelings for her. But of course, she did know better. She had been stupid twice. She would not make the same mistake a third time.
It was inevitable that they would speak. Everyone knew of their families’ association, and it would be talked about if they did avoid each other the whole time. So she was not surprised when he finally approached her. He was just doing what society expected of them. But what did surprise her was what he said. “I wonder if I may ask for a place on your dance card, Lady Julia.”
She bowed her head in deference to his title as she bit her lip, already irritated at him. She wanted to shout at him that she would never dance with him, but they were in polite company and besides, she did not want to give him the satisfaction. But was he really set upon torturing her this way? Could they not part completely and forever? When would this all end? “Of course, Your Grace.”
He led her out for a quadrille. She could remember one of her many governess teaching her this dance as a young girl. Back then, she had dreamt of dancing it with Shep one day and though she could not regret the girl she had been back then, she wished somehow she could go back and ask her to dream of something else. Because this dream coming to fruition actually pained her. The silence between them was not comfortable. It made the back of her neck itch.
“I received a letter in the mail,” he said at last as they walked out on to the floor together.
“Oh?” she asked without much interest. The only way to get through this with her heart intact was to pretend she was floating above it all, watching it. She did not want to speak about their past, but it was quite painful to talk about the mundane with the person she had once dreamed of sharing every intimacy with.
“Yes, it was most odd,” he continued pleasantly, as if he did not have a care in the world. As they clasped hands and switched places, she wondered how badly she could injure him if she stepped on his foot. Stomping would not do, she fantasized. People would notice if she really put some effort into it. But if she was too subtle, her slipper would do very little damage to his boot.
“Is this a game? A mystery?” she replied. “Should I be asking you questions? Or pretend I have any interest at all in this odd letter?”
“Conversation is pleasant when dancing. I have always thought so. Do you not agree? I thought one of your many governesses might have taught you that.” He smirked when she raised an eyebrow at him. To think he would tease her as if they were just turning eighteen again was preposterous, especially considering the state of things. But his next words were more serious. “It was from Jane.”
Julia stood in front of him, holding her hand out for him to grasp. Her brow furrowed with this unexpected news, but she had danced enough times in her life for her body to move automatically even as her brain struggled to catch up. “Jane? Jane Watson? My Jane?” She hardly gave him time to respond before continuing, “But why would she write to you?”
“Yes, the very one.” They turned in a circle and then weaved through the other couples. “She wrote to tell me that you refused the marquis.”
Julia bit her lip briefly, hoping he could not see her, since they stood side by side at this point in the dance. “I do not know why she thought that news would be of any import to you.”
“You should have told me, Jules,” he replied softly. “You have to know…” He cursed under his breath when the dance called them to separate, keeping him from finishing his thought. When they came back together, he continued, “You had to have known that it was something I would want to know. Frankly, I am surprised Ben did not tell me.”
Julia rolled her eyes at him as she admitted, “I made him swear not to tell you.”
“So then you did know that such news would be something I would want to be aware of?” he asked. Once, he would have congratulated himself on besting her, but it appeared as if she did not want to play anymore.
Instead of replying hotly or arching her brow, she looked down. “Jane should not have written you.”
Game or not, Shep could not help but look at her so warmly that her skin flushed. “She loves you. She believed she was doing something in your best interest.” He paused as they turned and grasped hands again. “It made me very glad for you.”
“Oh?” Now, she truly had to feign disinterest. She had promised herself that she would not allow him to pull her back into his web but he had piqued her interest.
“Would you like to know why?” he asked, his tongue in his cheek to keep from laughing.
When her eyes sparked anger at him, as she considered once again stomping on his foot, his expression changed to one of contrition. He was trying to make up with her, someway, somehow. “I do not care why you feel anything,” she claimed.
He leaned down quickly to whisper in her ear. People would notice, but hopefully only a few eyes would catch it. “I do not believe that.” Then he pulled back to continue, “I was so glad for you because you rescued yourself. And I know how important that was to you. I did not always understand that. That is obvious from the last time we truly spoke. But I hope I understand a bit better now. And I realized…I realized that you were right.”
She shook her head as if to clear it. She could hear nothing but his breathing, see nothing but his face. Everything else had fallen away when he had spoken of understanding that she had rescued herself and of course, the absolute shock that he would ever admit she was right about anything. “You…make it more than it was. If I had accepted him, I would have lived a life of self-pity and that I could not accept.”
“You rescued yourself,” he repeated and she blushed further. She thought he sounded so proud of her and a little shy about it. In all honesty, he was so proud of her and her strength, but at the same time he was well aware that he had squandered every chance she had ever given him. He wanted to be hopeful, as Jane’s letter had encouraged him to be, but it was so difficult to risk his heart. “You bring up a good point, however.”
Regency Romance: The Duke’s Ever Burning Passion (Fire and Smoke: CLEAN Historical Romance) Page 12
