Nobody Loves A Farting Princess

by Jeni Birr

  In any case, the money was running out, and he had casually mentioned needing to get a job soon, but one day I came home from class and he had an interview in Jacksonville in two days. He flew down, interviewed, drove around in his rental car for a day or two looking for a rental house, flew back, packed up the necessary items, and Matt and I drove his car while he drove the moving truck. He flew us back within a day or two. All of this happened inside the span of two weeks and let me tell you, I was a mess. I had a pretty good idea how close I was to my dad and how much I would miss him once he was no longer around all the time, but you would have thought he died the way I moped around after the fact. I remember Matt’s mom asked me about a week later how I was doing and I just lost it; just broke down sobbing! It was bad. But, like everything else, I got over it. Matt’s parents liked to take road trips with us, so we just started adding Jacksonville, Florida to the route, even though it’s about eleven hundred miles and a good sixteen hour drive from Detroit, but they would trade driving and we would sleep, and everyone had a great time.

  Matt and I stayed in the Ferndale house as my dad had already paid for the whole year in advance, and we rented out a room to Dale, who helped us turn the bungalow room upstairs into a pretty awesome recording studio. I put out a little four track EP, Dale recorded a whole bunch of things with a bunch of different friends, and the local band Tone and Niche recorded the whole album “On the Streets of” at my house. We also designed all of their jacket sleeves, their press boxes, printed their discs, designed the programs and fliers for the release show, and I was one of the opening acts, performing with our friend, Rod, and his band. This was the only time I performed my own material with a full band and It. Was. Awesome.

  It was also around this time that Dale and Dan Minard sat me down and opened my eyes to the fact that my appearance didn’t fit my music at all. I had never really thought about it, but I wore crazy bright colors, tie-dye, hippie floral prints, bell bottoms, and had brightly colored hair that frequently changed colors. I was bright and happy. My music, on the other hand, was not. My artwork was always brightly colored and glittery, but my songs were depressing and we all used to joke that I should be sponsored by Kleenex and my albums should come with a free pack of tissues. My slogan was “taking over the world, one tear at a time.” My songs are generally slow and melodic and about heartbreaks and hardships. The perfect example is the story behind “Eva’s Song.” When I decided to write it, I was determined to write a happy song because I didn’t have any. I thought of the happiest time in my life, which was the summer between high school and college when I was in Rimers of Eldritch and I decided to write a song from Eva’s perspective; but (as I mentioned earlier) her best friend tries to rape her in the end. It was by far the most depressing song I’d ever written at that point.

  They really set me straight that yes, although it’s kind of selling out to change your image to sell your music, fact of the matter is, if you want to make money selling records, your image should probably match your music. So, the next day I died my hair black and started wearing more dark colors and darker makeup and fell more into the Goth stereotype for a quite a while.

  Eva’s Song*2004

  Here I sit, every hour, every day

  Mama braids my hair, but I never go play

  Just stay in the house, where I know that it’s safe

  And no one can take me away

  Betrayed, by the one I trusted most

  Never saw it coming, one day he just let go

  In a flash of trees, I fell to the ground

  And no one can save me now

  Policeman asks me questions, but I just sit and stare

  I swear I can’t remember, but I swear he just don’t care

  I don’t remember screaming, and I hope I never will

  All I know is that time stood still

  I haven’t shed a tear, I haven’t said a word

  I haven’t shut my eyes since the day I tasted dirt

  With these scars of leaves and needles now eternal on my face

  Here is where I’ll stay

  ~*~

  CHAPTER 5

  After the lease on that house was up, Matt and I moved down to an apartment near campus that Tom and his girlfriend moved into as well. I loved living downtown. I loved that apartment. It had a lot of charm, including the separate faucets for hot and cold water in the bathroom, which only looks cool but is really a pain, a claw foot tub, and the longest hallway with floorboards that could wake the dead. I did a lot of my best work during this year, my senior year, living in this apartment. I got into a few art shows, I built a really strong portfolio, and even got paid for a couple of design jobs and mural painting gigs. My favorite was the Street Painting, or “Madonnari” exhibition during the Festival of the Arts that I did for three years. I had to submit an idea, be selected by a panel of judges, and then they would supply the artists with a box of pastels and a taped off ten foot square in the roped off street, and we had three days to recreate our murals in the street with the pastels. I loved it. Who wouldn’t love being paid a few hundred dollars to essentially play with sidewalk chalk?

  But alas, eventually I did graduate, and the lease was up on that apartment, so Matt and I moved in with our friend, Rod. Problem was, Rod was technically Matt’s superior at work now, and one of the others in the office that no one liked, squealed. Fortunately, the higher bossman was kind about it and pulled Matt aside and gave him a month to move out, and did not fire him, but it was still a royal pain moving twice in only a couple months. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think I’m the only person in the world that actually loves moving, and have done A LOT of it, but it’s still kind of a process, and a bit expensive, and our rent nearly doubled from what we were paying Rod to live with him.

  This was also the first time I had lived alone with just Matt. At Wayne State, my brother and his girlfriend were living with us, and before that it was back and forth from my dad’s house, to his parents’ house. Matt and I were already having issues, and I was terrified of commitment, and living together just the two of us just felt so overwhelmingly domestic, and I’m sorry to say, old. I was still immature. I wanted to go back to school and stay young and keep partying, and like my teenage years, I did not handle the “welcome to the real world” very well either.

  Forbidden Fruit*2005

  I can see it, through the window

  Shiny brand new toy

  So much bigger and better

  Than playthings previously enjoyed

  Mommy is saying not this time

  Come on now, come along

  But I am only human

  Have desires even when I know they’re wrong

  So I give into temptation

  Watch the world come crashing down

  Forbidden fruits taste so much sweeter

  Than those that we’re allowed

  Can you see it, how it sparkles

  It’s really caught my eye

  Yes I remember, I promised no more toys

  Please just this one last time

  Mommy, please can I get it

  I know the price is kinda high

  I’ll return it in the morning

  Let me play for just one night

  So let’s give into temptation

  Watch the world come crashing down

  Forbidden fruits taste so much sweeter

  Than those that we’re allowed

  ~*~

  After Eric and I had broken up, we stayed in contact, and actually became very good friends. He started dating another girl while I was dating Matt, and we were completely platonic and quite literally just friends for a few years. I even remember driving with Blair somewhere and him asking me if Matt and I ever broke up if I thought I would get back together with Eric, and I really believed what I said when I explained that I really didn’t think so. But Blair knew everything, and he just got this look on his face that I didn’t question. I’m sure you can see where this is goin
g. Rod helped Matt get a better job with the Wayne State Library System, working evenings. Eric and I were already hanging out here and there, but once Matt was gone until ten at night most the time, I started going to Eric’s more regularly, and well, you can put the pieces together for yourself. The unfortunate element is that Matt always knew where I was, I never even lied to him. Poor Matt was just so trusting, and I just threw it in his face. Pretty slut move that I am not exactly proud of.

  Raspberry Swirl*2005

  Why’d you have to whisper the words

  We were never supposed to say

  Why couldn’t you just leave sleeping dogs

  Alone to dream away

  You’ve stirred them from their slumber

  Now all they want to do is play

  Good job, way to go

  You’ve ruined everything

  ‘Cause you’re so tempting

  And confident

  And he’s so safe

  And vanilla

  And you are milk chocolate

  And raspberry swirl

  And I’m just a selfish little girl

  How could you let me come over

  And just give myself to you

  When you know that I’ve promised another

  To love him and always be true

  But now that you’ve caught me, I can’ turn away

  From the entrapment in your eyes

  Anyway, what kind of woman would I be

  If my cravings went denied

  ‘Cause you’re so tempting

  And confident

  And he’s so safe

  And vanilla

  And you are milk chocolate

  And raspberry swirl

  And I’m just a selfish little girl

  And this time is the last time

  I can’t do this anymore

  I know I said this last time

  And all the times before

  He deserves much better

  Than a liar and a cheat

  But Goddamn I can’t help the way

  That you enrapture me

  ‘Cause you’re so tempting

  And confident

  And he’s so safe

  And vanilla

  And you are milk chocolate

  And raspberry swirl

  And I’m just a selfish little girl

  ~*~

  The bigger twist to this story is that Eric was in kinda a tight spot with money at that time, and his rent was about to go up. Matt, obviously having no idea I had already slept with him again, suggested he move in with us. It would help Eric save money, it would help me feel less domestic and settled, it was the best of both worlds. You’re cringing now, aren’t you? So, New Year’s Day, 2006, the day after my mother left from one of her visits, Eric moved into our spare room. Needless to say, Eric and I were like bunnies. The cheating element was so exciting. I think Matt must have just been in denial. This only lasted a couple months before I finally snapped and couldn’t do it anymore and broke up with Matt, hoping he would never find out about Eric. Oh how naïve I still was.

  Blair had become a very good friend of mine, and was great to talk to because he was such a good listener, and he had this policy of never assuming he knew everything about someone else’s relationship no matter how much they’d told him because there were always little nuances and details that get left out, and wouldn’t offer advice unless asked for it. So, he was the only one that knew I was sleeping with Eric. He was also a good friend of Matt’s, but he swore to me everything I told him was between me and him and it was no business of his to come between us. Shortly after Matt and I had broken up, but before I had moved out of our house I wrote a very long email to Blair about what was going on, what I was feeling, what my plans were, etc. etc. and to this day, Matt swears Blair “accidentally” forwarded the email to him, which I refuse to believe. Blair would never do such a thing and then lie to my face when I asked him. He might do it and then tell me he did, but I am convinced Matt hacked Blair’s email, or my email. He had the computer knowledge, or access to a keystroke tracking program through work, and I had heard Matt lie to people all the time about other things he had dropped the ball on, so it was always someone else’s fault. But he came away from our computer and just said to me “what happened with Eric” and so I told him.

  Wishing Well*2006

  I’ve taken six or seven bottles worth of Diphenhydramine

  Eaten eleven or twelve gallons worth of cookie dough ice cream

  About a thousand pounds of chocolate every couple days

  Still nothing makes the pain go away

  I try to wash my sorrows down with Johnny, Jack and Jim

  By day after tomorrow I’ll have healed these etchings in my skin

  I’ve driven back and forth nine times from New York to L.A.

  Still nothing makes the pain go away

  I’ve thrown every cent I ever earned down every wishing well

  Tried to bargain with the devil, but had no soul left to sell

  And It’s been years since I’ve known faith, but I dropped to my knees and prayed

  Still nothing makes the pain go away

  Every morning I awaken and fight back the need to cry

  I stand in the mirror, try to hold my head up high

  I swear that I’ll get through this live to fight another day

  Still nothing makes the pain go away

  No nothing makes the pain

  Go away

  ~*~

  Fortunately, I was only around for one more week of awkwardness. I didn’t know if I wanted to be with Eric full time at that moment; I wasn’t even positive I didn’t want to be with Matt; but I think that was just the discomfort of a breakup looming. I was really thinking about just being single for a while, and my dad was totally cool with me coming to stay with him in Florida for however long I needed to figure it out. Problem with this plan is that my dad was now working full time, and as cool as he was, I could only go to the bar with him so many times before I really needed to start branching out and meeting some people my own age, which I did not do the whole three months I was there. I pretty much stayed in the house, designed a website, and sold some printed shirts on Ebay.

  Novelty*2006

  I wear bright colors, I am small

  My eyes they sparkle like the sand

  I’m cute and clever, I’ve got it all

  I clutch your fingers in my little hand

  Summerwalk barefoot down the street

  When autumn’s falling I collect the leaves

  Winterdance angels in the snow

  When springtime’s blooming I’m a child like nobody knows

  You think I’m cute

  You think I’m charismatic

  I’m a ray of sunshine

  I am bloody fantastic

  But the things that you see

  Have got nothing to do with me

  And I can’t be your novelty

  I cry whenever I’m alone

  Can’t stand to see my own reflection

  It’s been so long since I’ve been home

  Can’t heal these scars of past rejections

  You kiss my lips and hold my hand

  But you have no idea who I really am

  When you start to learn what makes me tick

  Just like the others, you’ll grow sick

  and tired of me

  You think I’m cute

  You think I’m charismatic

  I’m a ray of sunshine

  I am bloody fantastic

  But the things that you see

  Have got nothing to do with me

  And I can’t be your novelty

  My heart is black

  My Body’s made of plastic

  I’m a bloody wind-up

  My soul is automatic

  Can’t taste my lips

  Can’t feel my heart

  It won’t stop beating cuz I

  Never let it start

  I do not f
eel

  I do not breathe

  Go ahead and cut me, you can watch

  While I don’t bleed

  I am not cute

  I am not charismatic

  I’m a fucking raincloud

  I am monochromatic

  All that I let you see

  Has got nothing to do with me

  And I’m sorry

  But I can’t be your novelty

  ~*~

  Eric called me every day. We would talk for hours. He was clearly in love with me and wanted me to come back. He visited a few times. The first time we drove down to Daytona Beach for a few days, and the second time we met in Atlanta. It was on this trip to Atlanta that I got a phone call about a job in Jacksonville that I had applied for, a graphic design job. It was a full time, salaried job that I very stupidly told the man I didn’t even know if I was qualified for. His exact words were “that’s okay, we can train you in anything you don’t know. You just have such a sparkling personality, I’d love to add you to our team.” I was already thinking about moving back home though, and I didn’t want to take the job away from someone else who needed one. This is another decision I wonder about. How different would my life be now if I’d taken that job and just stayed in Jacksonville then?

  Once I realized I wasn’t even going to take a full time job, I figured I should probably just get my ass in gear and get back to Michigan. I stayed for the rest of the month as I had a two week contract job lined up selling Karaoke machines at Costco. Best. Job. Ever. This company, LeadSinger Karaoke, would hire people who could sing to stand in the entrance to Costco Warehouse stores and demonstrate these karaoke microphones that plugged right into the television with RCA cables (probably USB cables now, if they’re still around, this was before flatscreens). They really made their money on the chips you could buy that would plug right into the microphone which were priced up to a hundred dollars! You could hire in to the company full time, but then they had to pay your travel expenses, so they had very few of those positions available and tried to just find people locally. In 2006, fifteen dollars an hour plus seven percent commission was pretty good money for a lost puppy. It was enough to ship my stuff back to Michigan and pay for the gas to get there, that’s for sure.