“My time is running out.”
Those words hit her hard as she tried to imagine this energetic man, so full of life, suddenly not. “Wait a minute,” she said, turning to face him. “You’re not telling me you’re sick, are you? Please tell me that’s not why you came.”
“You’d care if I were?” he asked, reaching for her hand.
She thought about pulling away, but first she had to know. “Of course I would care. Losing you would devastate our daughters. So, is that what you’re saying, that you’re—?”
“No, I’m not sick.” He circled her palm with his thumb. “Okay, maybe I am sick. Sick of my empty, shallow life. Sick of myself.”
She withdrew her hand when thrill bumps broke out on her skin. “I don’t understand.”
“I blinked and they were teenagers.” He looked at the framed photos of the girls scattered on tables around the room. “How the hell did that happen?”
She wanted to tell him it hadn’t just happened the way he claimed. There had been plenty of tears and flu bugs, dance recitals, concerts, and birthday parties along the way. There’d been temper tantrums, hurt feelings, and broken hearts. And he hadn’t been there for any of it. No wonder it seemed to him the past fifteen had passed in a flash. He hadn’t been there to witness any of it.
“I guess that’s just the way life is,” she said, quietly. “One day you’re a kid with dreams and the next you have a kid of your own, with a whole new set of dreams for them.” She saw no reason to point out his flaws or make him feel bad about not being there for their daughters. He’d clearly come to that realization on his own.
“What do you dream for them?”
“I just want them to be happy.” She knew they weren’t happy now. They still missed L.A. and their friends, but she hoped they would one day realize she’d made this move for their sake as much as for hers. “To figure out what they’re passionate about and pursue that.” She bit her lip. “You’re a good example of that, Gunnar. Someone who went after his dreams, and made it in spite of the odds.”
He chuckled. “Not like I had much of a choice. I had no one to pave the way for me. No family who’d provide a soft place to land if I tried and failed.”
He’d grown up in the system and still bore the scars of a loveless childhood. “But you didn’t fail,” she reminded him. “You didn’t just make a living. You made yourself a legend.” There were some performers who could produce unforgettable music for a decade or less and remain in the hearts and minds of fans forever. Gunnar was one of those artists.
“A legend.” He rolled his eyes. “I make music, Gi. I didn’t find the cure for cancer. I don’t deserve that kind of acclaim.”
She’d never heard him sound so humble. He usually loved the praise. “If I didn’t know you better, I’d really believe you’d changed.”
He looked so sad her breath caught in her throat. “A man who’s never had a family can’t lose his without it rocking his world.”
“You’ll never lose Keegan and Ramsey. They love you so much. That’ll never change.”
“But I lost your love…” His eyes shone as he stared at her, waiting for her to refute his claim. When she didn’t, he asked, “Tell me, when did that happen?”
“I don’t know that it was one incident that triggered it. I think it was hundreds of little moments that added up to one big realization: it just wasn’t there anymore.”
It was the countless times he’d stood by and watched other men hit on her. It was all the nights he’d stayed late for an extra beer with the band instead of coming home to her. It was all the times she’d reached out and he wasn’t there or when he was but he’d turned away. It was all the times he’d laughed when she’d cried or rolled his eyes when she screamed. It was all the times she needed to be heard and he was deaf to her pain.
“So, you really don’t love me anymore?” he asked, sounding anguished. “I killed it? Your love for me?”
She’d never been the kind of person who could intentionally hurt another and she could see Gunnar was already struggling, so she said, “I’ll always love you for giving me Ramsey and Keegan. They’re the best things that ever happened to me.”
“Me too.” His eyes were drawn to the sofa cushion between them. “I never stopped loving you. Not for a single second. I know I was a lousy boyfriend…” He rolled his eyes. “God, that sounds so stupid when I say it out loud. It felt like I was more than just your boyfriend, didn’t it?”
“There was a time when it felt like you were my life, my whole world.” She swallowed the sudden and unexpected burn of tears that arose at his admission of love. He’d never said those words to her before. Not once. “I didn’t think I could survive without you. But slowly, day by day, I was forced to imagine it a little more. Before I knew it, I’d thought about it so much it became my reality.”
“How does that happen?” he asked, looking miserable and confused. “How do you just stop loving someone you’ve loved almost half your life?”
“I don’t know.” She inched back on the sofa, lifting her legs until they were folded between them. “It’s not like I planned it. I never intended to give up on you or our family. It just sort of happened.”
“I made it too easy for you to walk away. I get that now.”
“What do you mean?”
“If we’d been married, it wouldn’t have been so easy. It would have taken more time to work out the legalities. Time I could have used to change your mind.”
By the time she left, she wasn’t sure there was anything he could have said or done to change her mind. “We just weren’t compatible anymore, Gunnar. It’s no one’s fault. Sometimes people just grow apart.”
“Were we ever compatible?” he asked, raising his eyes to hers.
“Probably not,” she admitted. “But I loved you enough to ignore that for a long time. I always wanted two things: a nice, quiet stable life and a family. That’s it. You wanted fame and fortune and accolades.”
“I wanted respect,” he said quietly. “And love. Two things I never had growing up. Everyone thinks I’m an egomaniac and that’s why I’m such a fame-whore, but they’re wrong. I guess I’m still just that same scared kid who wants someone to love him.”
Her heart ached for the lonely little boy he’d been. Even more for the lost and lonely man he appeared to be because underneath all the false bravado the rest of the world saw, she’d seen glimpses of his softer side, like when their daughters were born. He was right there by her side, supporting her, holding her head, telling her how proud he was of her and how grateful he was for the beautiful baby she’d given him.
“Your daughters love you, Gunnar. You know that. And your bandmates. They’re like your family.”
“That’s another reason I’ve been so reluctant to leave the music behind,” he admitted. “I don’t want to lose those guys.”
“I can’t imagine that ever happening.” They were all as close as any brothers she’d ever known. “They’ll always be there for you.”
“Yeah, but those three have wives and kids. They’ve somehow managed to make a marriage work in spite of this crazy business.”
Gianna had always been a little jealous that Gunnar’s best friends had loved their significant others enough to commit to forever with them while he’d made excuses to avoid making that promise to her.
“They didn’t all get it right the first time,” she reminded him. “It’s a second marriage for a couple of them. That should give you hope. Maybe you can take what you’ve learned with me and apply it to another relationship. Avoid making the same mistakes twice. If you want someone to grow old with, you could still have that.”
“And you feel nothing saying that to me?” He sat up, staring at her. “You can sit there and talk to me about the possibility of me marrying someone else and not feel a thing?” He shook his head, looking bitter when she failed to respond. “That’s where we differ, I guess. ’Cause the thought of you being another man’s wife,
when you should have been mine, should still be mine, tears me up inside.”
Gianna could barely breathe as a wave of affection for this man swept through. It’s not love, she reminded herself. It can’t be love. I don’t love him anymore. “You sound so jealous and possessive now,” she said, finally finding her voice. “But where was that emotion when I was sharing your bed and you couldn’t seem to care less about what I was doing or who I was doing it with when you weren’t there?”
“Is that what you think?” His voice was raspy when he asked, “That I didn’t care? I cared, Gi. I cared so much it ate away at me, imagining you with someone else. But I didn’t think I had the right to make demands on you. If I did that would lead to you making demands on me, demands I couldn’t meet.”
His eyes were holding hers captive when he said, “I knew you’d been more than patient with me, playing by my rules for all those years. And if I got too demanding, I feared you’d leave me if I couldn’t come through for you. That’s why I kept my mouth shut.” He leaned in, brushing his lips across her cheek. “It wasn’t that I didn’t care. Believe me, I cared more about you than I did myself.”
Chapter Three
Gianna tossed and turned all night, thinking about the things Gunnar said to her. He was like a different person now, the kind she’d always wished he would have been when they were together. He was open and honest, communicative, willing to be vulnerable. Too bad it was too little, too late.
He was sitting at her kitchen island, on the phone, telling someone he didn’t know when he’d be home, that he needed some time to work things out. He needed to “take a break from life” for a while, he said.
She considered backtracking out of the room so he could finish his conversation in private, but the girls would be down for breakfast in a few minutes and she didn’t want them to be late or go to school on an empty stomach, so she offered him a small wave and a smile as she walked past.
He’d brewed a fresh pot of coffee and she poured herself a cup before assembling the ingredients for homemade pancakes. She could feel his eyes on her as he continued his conversation while she measured and mixed ingredients in a stainless steel bowl while heating the griddle on the gas stovetop.
“I love watching you do that.”
She’d heard him end his call, but hadn’t turned around. His raspy voice gave her pause, reminding her of a long-ago time when he’d woken her up by whispering naughty suggestions in her ear.
“What? Make breakfast?” she asked, trying to remain calm. Though their attraction had always been undeniable, she was determined to downplay it. “I’m sure. I haven’t forgotten how much you love to eat.”
He chuckled and she heard him pad across the slate tile floor on his way to the coffee maker, which just happened to be right next to her. “Food doesn’t taste the same to me anymore, because you didn’t make it.” His eyes lingered on her bare lips as he leaned against the counter next to her, watching… waiting. “Coffee doesn’t taste the same,” he said softly, raising his cup. “Because you didn’t brew it.” He shifted slightly, his body facing hers. “Our sheets don’t smell the same because your perfume is long gone.”
She sucked in a breath she was certain he’d heard before pouring the batter on the hot griddle. “Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?” he asked, glancing at the bubbling hotcakes. “Telling you how much I miss having you in my life? It’s true.”
“Sure, you miss me.” She rolled her eyes, trying not to let his words affect you. “You miss having me to cook for you, do your laundry—”
“I have a housekeeper who does those things,” he argued. “I miss you. Everything about you. And us.”
“You only miss me because I’m gone.” She blinked back the tears that threatened, reminding herself she didn’t love this man anymore. His words shouldn’t have any impact on her. Yet they did. “If I were still there, you’d barely notice.”
“Is that really what you think?” he asked, brushing a wave away from her face. “That I didn’t notice you? I noticed every little thing about you, Gi. Those silly little pink slippers you wore every time you got out of the bath. The fact you wore your favorite baseball team’s shirt every time they played, thinking it would bring them luck.” He grinned when she blushed. “The fact that you’d listen to our song, the one I wrote for you right after we met, every time you were missing me.”
Damn him. He was right. “How would you know that? You weren’t even there when I played that song.”
“I walked in a few times when you were playing it. It was usually after I’d been away awhile. The way you hugged and kissed me told me how much you were missing me, how much you needed me.” He leaned in even closer, sucking all of the oxygen out of the room. “God, I miss that. The way you used to greet me when I came home.”
Yeah, and he’d usually carry her off to bed to make up for lost time. He wasn’t the only one who missed those welcome home parties. She did too. Especially when he was standing mere inches away, his hard body brushing hers.
“Morning,” Ramsey said, bounding into the room.
“Hey, sweetie,” Gianna said brightly, cursing inwardly because she’d almost burned their breakfast. “Your sister almost ready?”
“Yeah, I tapped on her bathroom door when I walked past and she said she’d be down in a few.” She grabbed a banana from the bowl of fresh fruit in the middle of the island and began peeling. “Mom, do you have to work today?”
“Yeah, from 10-2,” Gianna said, glancing at the old-fashioned wall clock that came with the house. “Why?”
“No reason.” She smiled at her father. “You’ll still be here when we get home from school, won’t you?”
“If your mom doesn’t mind,” he said, watching Gianna plate the pancakes.
“Suit yourself,” she said, taking a pitcher of orange juice from the fridge along with a bowl of fresh berries for the pancakes.
Gunnar took them from her and placed them on the counter before reaching into the cupboard for plates. “I thought I might go for a jog after breakfast, grab a shower, and then maybe work on a song that’s been doggin’ me.”
“You brought your guitar?” Gianna asked, adding the syrup, butter and whip cream to the mix. She knew Gunnar wouldn’t add fruit to his pancakes.
“Yeah, I thought I might get a bit of work done while I’m all alone. You okay with that, Gi?”
She wanted to ask why he was making himself at home, in her house, but for Ramsey’s sake, she smiled. “Sure, whatever.”
***
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,” Gabby said, as soon as Gianna walked into the shop. “What the hell? I thought we were friends.”
Gabby was the first real friend Gianna had in a long time. The first person who didn’t care about where she lived, what kind of car she drove or whether Gunnar made Forbes list last year.
“We are friends,” Gianna said, setting her purse under the counter. “Why would you say that?”
“I ran into Billy when I was opening the shop,” Gabby said, still scowling. “He told me about your date last night. Gunnar. Seriously? Your commitment-phobe ex is Gunnar Williams? The freakin’ rock god?”
“He’s not a god,” Gianna said, trying to play it off. “He’s just a man, trust me. He leaves the lid up and conveniently forgets to take the garbage out just like every other man.”
She wasn’t surprised Billy had told Gabby about her ex. She could have asked him to keep her secret, but that seemed silly. It was bound to get out sooner or later, especially now that Gunnar was visiting.
“You told me he was the only man you’d ever been with though,” Gabby said, her tone softening. “It had to have been rough, leaving a man like that.” She laughed. “When you told me about him, I pictured some deadbeat who drank too much beer, played videogames, invited his rowdy buddies over and—”
“You were right,” Gianna said, smiling sweetly. “He does all of those things. Only diff
erence is his friends are richer, his house is bigger and so is his TV.”
“I’ll bet that’s not the only thing that’s bigger than most,” Gabby said, winking. She laughed when Gianna elbowed her in the back as she inched past her to check their orders for the day. “Come on, that man oozes sex appeal. You can’t tell me he’s not amazing in bed.”
“Depends on your definition of amazing, I guess,” Gianna said, reaching for the take-out cup of green tea she’d brought with her. “Was he skillful? Yes. Did he always make sure I was satisfied? Yes.”
“But?”
“It was just sex. I don’t think we made love once. Not in all the years we were together.” It hurt like hell to admit as much, but it was one of the many reasons she’d left him. “You know, he never even told me he loved me.” Until last night.
“What?” Gabby shrieked. “What are you talking about? Of course he did! You guys were together, what? Almost fifteen years? You lived together. Had two daughters together. Of course he told you he loved you.”
“No, he didn’t.” Gianna was almost embarrassed to admit it, but she needed her friend to understand why she’d left a man the rest of the world thought was perfect. “He took care of me and the girls, he bought us pretty things—”
“But he told them he loved them?”
“He did,” she said, swallowing. “When they told him first.” She’d only expressed her love to Gunnar a few times. When he wasn’t able to say it back, she simply repressed the thought every time it threatened to spill out.
“Okay, I know I don’t have to tell you that is seriously messed up,” Gabby said, shaking her head.
“He didn’t have it easy growing up,” Gianna said, feeling the need to defend him. She didn’t think she was betraying him by sharing with Gabby. He’d always been an open book about his life. “He once told me he didn’t believe in love, not the romantic kind, anyway. He said people were happy together until they weren’t anymore, then they just parted ways. Everything is temporary according to Gunnar.”
Sticks and Stones (Vista Falls #5) Page 3
