Chapter Twenty
The smell of old books.
I push the door open, blocking the past. I don’t know why the fuck I keep feeling so guilty that I never kept my promise. I tried to be good and I helped her, but then I turned her back to the system. Crawly stated that I wasn’t needed, that everything was under control. Within a couple of days the girl was moved to a different part of the country, as the agents were worried about her safety. It wasn’t my job to keep an eye on her, but I still went through a shock when I was excluded without any kind of explanation.
My career was important to me, so I kept my mouth shut. The dreams, burning guilt, and nightmares remained, and now I keep getting the flashbacks. This shouldn’t be happening now, after so many years. Only recently I read that Rudolf was finally shot dead. The police managed to protect her for all these years, but I had let her down.
We reach the end of the corridor, and for some reason I want to grab Tahlia’s hand to remind myself that this is happening for real.
“Are you going to tell me where you are taking me?” she asks, and I drop my hand down, aware that gripping hers might be too intimidating.
“Stop asking questions. You’ll soon see why we’re here,” I say to her as we walk down the narrow staircase. Tahlia is right behind me, and my mind can’t stop projecting us tangled together, making out on these stairs. Sometimes I have a really dirty mind and it’s unhealthy. We can’t push this; whatever is happening between us is too risky. The rules are simple: in situations like this I can’t be romantically involved with a witness. The tiny voice in my head reminds me that I have already crossed the line—I brought her here, and we made out couple days ago. No one knows what I’m doing. If Tahlia will just see that I’m not that bad, then half of my problems will be gone.
“Holy shit, this is amazing,” she gasps as the view opens up to a large library that spreads over the entire ground floor. My pulse speeds up and I have to admit the library is remarkably well equipped. Shelves filled with books disappear in the darkness further down under the staircase, and I assume that the floor spreads over the entire manor. Right in the middle there is a large long table next to a fireplace. Tahlia’s eyes shimmer with excitement. Carol must have put some logs on the fire earlier, because the flames are crackling. It wouldn’t surprise me if our guide secretly spent her free time here, relaxing and enjoying herself. Even I have to admit that I wouldn’t mind getting lost in a place like this.
I inhale the combination of grassy and tangy notes in the air. We continue going down, and at the bottom of the stairs the scent shifts into a muskier pleasant aroma. There must be thousands and thousands of books in here. I have never been too fussy about reading, but Tahlia seems speechless, standing with her mouth hanging open.
“Come on, let’s have a look at what gems we can find in here,” I say, pushing her gently forward.
“Did you know there was a library in here?”
“Of course. Why do you think I brought you here in the first place?”
“Okay, I have to tell you that this wasn’t at all what I expected from you. This place is incredible. I want to stay here forever,” she says as we start walking between the shelves. I follow Tahlia as she caresses the spines with her fingers, scanning the titles.
The whole library is warm, and I can’t take my eyes off her. She looks so relaxed. “What’s your favourite book? What are you looking for?”
“Pride and Prejudice. I’m an old fucking romantic,” she says, looking back at me with a wink.
“God, Pinky, I thought it would be some hardcore horror.”
“My life was filled with horror. I like to escape, to read about stuff that doesn’t happen in the real world.”
I sense the genuine truth of her answer, and before I know it she has run away from me, disappearing between the shelves, laughing to herself. She is pushing me to the edge, and yet again I forget about the fact that I’m doing this for Steph, not for myself. The investigation is important, but I have finally reached the point where I’m done with being on my own. Maybe Tahlia is the person that will pull me away from that space between worlds, from that inability to experience feelings. I want to forget that she is a witness and just go with the flow, push the boundaries.
I check every row, looking and following the hint of her perfume. The library is huge, bigger than the one at the university. The alarm is still going, but I can barely hear it down here, circulating around the shelves filled with books.
“I’m not in the mood for playing hide and seek,” I call out, tensing my muscles, pretty much ready to forget about my responsibilities, I’m so aroused. There is no way I can concentrate on the goals I set for myself in the past. This girl is making me so weak and vulnerable. It’s like I’m waiting to be broken.
I need to have her in my arms, to taste her and satisfy the driving need that courses through my veins.
I’m out of breath when I finally find her standing by the wall, holding a book in her hand. My heart skips a beat and I tell myself to calm down. She is not going anywhere. She sucks her lip, turning the pages of the book that she’s holding.
“What the hell, Tahlia? I don’t like working out on the weekends,” I say, looking at her. She glances back at me and takes a few steps forward.
“Joseph Conrad, the genius,” she says, looking at me intensely. “I want you to listen to this for a moment. It’s one of my favourite quotes.”
She grabs her long skirt and lifts it slightly, probably to be more comfortable. As usual, my imagination is going wild at that point. I catch some tattoos on her legs and suck in a breath. I don’t know why I’m so turned on, seeing a girl with a book.
“There is something haunting in the light of the moon; it has all the dispassionateness of a disembodied soul, and something of its inconceivable mystery…”
She looks at me then, pausing. A smile flickers in her eyes, and her posture draws me in closer. That’s all it takes for me to lose whatever reservations I have. I walk up to her, take the book out of her hands and put it on the shelf.
“What are you doing, Micah? I—”
I shove her up to the wall, then grab her hips and pull her against me with a possessiveness that surprises even me. I don’t waste time with empty words and slam my lips over hers. The kiss is desperate and starved as I lean over to be closer, flickering my tongue over her piercing. She moans into my mouth and I deepen the kiss, threading one hand behind her neck. She lifts her leg and moves it over my thighs, pressing herself around me.
Both her hands dive up into my hair, tangling it, while I push my hips to her, wanting to fill her with my hard erection. My mouth continues to move around hers greedily, and I’m muddled with heat and lust.
My hand travels down to her breast, touching and exploring the sensitive skin. She tastes sweet, incredible, and I can’t help but reach down to the moist spot between her legs. She arches her head back, and her ragged breath connects with mine. God, she is so fucking wet for me and I can’t stop myself.
My cock pulsates and our kissing turns violent, more desperate and rough. She grabs my hand, brings it under the hem of her knickers, urging me to keep exploring.
“Tahlia, sweet Jesus, you’re making me so crazy,” I manage to rasp out, then dive down to her neck, ripping the buttons off her dress, exposing her cleavage. My tongue is instantly around her nipples, caressing and biting, while my fingers dive inside her. She moans loudly, as my cock rubs over my jeans painfully.
“Micah, oh Micah… don’t stop,” she begs me as I suck on her hardened nipples and then claim her mouth one more time.
She responds with desperation, moving her mouth over mine like she needs more, as I penetrate her with my fingers. I want to rip my trousers off and stick my cock deep inside her. It’s like we’re both lost in a trance, lost in the moment.
She is so wet, my fingers are soaking with her scent, and my heart is pounding in my chest. I pull away for a second to catch my breath. When
I look back, her eyes are closed and I feel she is so close to coming, ready to explode. There is no way I can stop now, so I wrap my hand around her breast and massage her clit, speeding up the pace.
In a moment she comes all over me, screaming and panting. It’s crazy how hot she looks when she’s breaking up into million different pieces. I press my lips to hers, thinking that I can’t stop now.
With a sharp deep breath I pull away and kiss her slowly, savouring this moment, playing with her piercing. She drops her leg as our foreheads connect. We’re both trying to steady our breathing.
This made me feel free, but my craving for her didn’t diminish. It only makes me want her more. Now all I can think of is to cut this whole trip short and get back to my flat with her.
“That was amazing, Hot Shot,” she whispers to me. I pull away and drag my hand through my hair, pressing my palm over my crotch. She bites her lips, looking down. “I didn’t realise that the alarm had stopped.”
She shines in that light and my thoughts are raw, all over the place. This wasn’t supposed to happen, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“You looked so fucking sexy with that book, I had to touch you,” I tell her, moving closer again.
“Hmmm, so you feel it too—the connection that we have. The crazy chemistry.”
“Yes, I do. Come on, I think we should get out of here before our silly guide calls the police.”
“I thought you were the police?”
I kiss her again, softly, so I can savour this moment, moving my hands to her hips. She responds, and a new dose of desire rushes down to my crotch. I quickly pull away, swearing under my breath. For years I haven’t experienced any emotions, and now I’m flooded with so many conflicted ones.
“What have you done to me, Pinky Head? I can’t think straight when I’m around you.”
“Micah, don’t say things like that. We’re just having fun. We can’t see each other in the real world. We both know that would complicate things.”
“There you are. I have been looking all over the manor for you two.”
We hear the familiar voice. Tahlia winks at me and steps out from behind me. I need to get control of my erection, so I start thinking about our guide without clothes and that automatically does the job.
“Sorry, we weren’t sure how long you would be,” Tahlia says innocently.
She continues to question us, looking suspiciously around. “How did you get in here in the first place?”
“The door was unlocked. My boyfriend read on the internet that you have an amazing library, and I just had to see it.”
She is good. The lies come off so easily. Maybe she has been pretending with me too, and our moment was part of her manipulation game.
“Oh, I must have forgotten to lock it. Anyway, you shouldn’t be here. The library isn’t open to the public.”
I’m semi-hard now, so I grab Tahlia’s hand and we leave the library. She is clearly in a better mood, and I can’t wait to be alone with her in the car or anywhere other than here. Our guide keeps looking at me, probably wondering if I had the chance to go through with my proposal. She doesn’t seem happy with the fact that we discovered her secret.
When we’re outside the manor, Tahlia bursts out laughing, looking at me like I’m completely crazy.
“Judging from that, I can safely say that you liked my surprise?”
“It was bloody amazing. Shame that we had to leave so early,” she mutters.
The darkness is slowly shading the world as we get into the car. Tension filled with sexual chemistry hangs above us, and lust is rubbing against my body, tightening all my muscles. I know that this drive is going to be uncomfortable, especially when I have her next to me. The images of her coming all over my hand are distracting, and I know that I’m screwed for the ride home, being so turned on that I can’t control myself.
Tahlia is humming a song as I attempt to think about something else. No one can know what went on between us. This would complicate things, and I have worked too hard to ruin my career with a silly romance.
But is that all it is? My stomach muscles contract. Forces beyond my control are tearing me in different directions. I want her. We have something deep. How can I conceal this and carry on as normal, pretending to be the other guy and get to the bottom of the murder case?
“I’m going to ask you a question now,” she says unexpectedly, pulling me away from my own thoughts. We have at least an hour and a half drive, and I don’t think I can keep my hands away.
“Fire away. The questions are good, I suppose,” I respond, trying to carry the weight of her intense eyes.
“How long have you been a detective?”
“Over a year. Before that I was in a fast-track programme with the force. Overall, in the police over three years.”
I have no idea where she is going with this. Technical questions are lethal. My past is complicated. There is something wrong with me, but she might be the only person that can fix me.
“So you must have seen things, shocking things?” she asks.
I tighten my hands on the wheel. “Yes.”
“What was the worst thing that you ever saw? Something that really stuck with you forever?”
I already know the answer to that question, because I have reminders of it almost every night. The lost, abused girl that was hidden in the wall. The girl that I have seen in my nightmares over and over.
Chapter Twenty-One
Temptations.
She is expecting me to answer and I don’t know if I can. That incident from the past turned me into the coldblooded cop that I am today. The man that failed to deliver his promise. I was only twenty-two then and I was too afraid to fight. The girl was in safe hands. I believed that there was nothing else I could have done for her. I tighten my grip on the steering wheel, thinking about that day, pushing the panic and anxiety away.
“I was just a couple months into the job, starting out as a trainee detective. One day I was called to the field. My boss had a source and his team managed to locate one of the most dangerous drug dealers in our district. SWAT stormed in first, trying to bust him,” I explain, feeling small dots of sweat gathering on my forehead. A cold shiver crawls down my back and I’m losing oxygen fast. I hate remembering it; I hate seeing her in front of me.
“You don’t like talking about it?” she asks quietly, like she knows that I’m uncomfortable.
I exhale sharply, telling myself that it’s just another case, and something like that shouldn’t affect me anymore. It’s been years and I rescued this girl from a sadistic son of a bitch. Still, I failed her.
“No, it’s fine… so it turned out that our dealer had managed to escape before we got there. The house was empty… well, that’s what everyone thought until I found someone in the basement.”
The silence in the car is unnerving. I glance at her, but she seems lost in her own thoughts, avoiding eye contact with me.
“It was a girl; she was very badly beaten up and abused. She had deep cuts all over her body. Later on I found out that she was forced to smuggle money for him, probably used as a prostitute too, and a personal punching bag. I’ll never forget the moment when I pulled her from the hole in the wall.” I complete the story, breathing harder than I should.
Tahlia clenches her fists and then draws in a shaky breath. She seems deeply affected by what I just said. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about that girl and I can’t forgive myself that I didn’t insist on staying with her. She needed me and I simply left her behind.
“What happened to her?”
“She was in a terrible state, Tahlia. That house was rotten, filthy, and there were rats running around. I couldn’t believe that a human being could have lived in a place like that. She was taken away and a few days later I was assigned to another case. I never found out her name. I visited her in the hospital once after I rescued her, but then my boss told me that she was moved to another city.”
“W
as it the girl that disturbed you the most or the place where she was found?”
“Christ, Pinky, I don’t think I can talk about this. I have never forgotten her. She was broken, but we connected. I felt things when I was with her. My emotions were numb after I lost Steph, but then with her I wanted to cry, grieve over what she had been through. That savage bastard, the druggie that had done all these horrible things to her escaped. He eventually died in a shooting years later. I wish I’d gotten to him first. If I had him in front of me I would have broken all his bones,” I snap, angry with myself, angry with the world.
The regret of not pursuing her and that case then reminds me that there was still a chance for me to become a normal human being, a man with feelings. I don’t know why I hadn’t insisted on tracking her down. The next assignment wasn’t that important.
Tahlia doesn’t ask me any more questions as we carry on moving through the dark landscape. We are both quiet, and I keep drifting off to that time when I was in the academy.
My neck starts to ache after some time, which just frustrates me more. When I see a pub in one of the villages that we pass, I decide to stop.
“We need to get some food. Are you hungry?” I ask.
“Yeah, I am. Good thinking, Batman,” she says.
I grab her hand and want to pull her towards me, but she flinches away.
“What’s wrong? Don’t fucking tell me that you’re having seconds thoughts about us?”
“I’m fine. You just caught me by surprise,” she responds and kisses me unexpectedly. When I claim her mouth again, the dark thoughts are already fading away. The surging heat is like a wave of fresh air. I grab her arse and pull it closer. That piercing on her lip turns me on, and I could listen to her moans all day long. It’s like she is spellbinding me slowly, using an unidentified power to break me.
“What was that for?” I ask, grinning.
“Nothing. I just wanted to do it,” she replies, shrugging it off, like it’s not a big deal.
Love & Hate Series Box Set 2 (Love & Hate #3-4) Page 16
