But I resisted, pushing those urges back like I had done so many times before.
I wanted and needed to know more about Jack and exactly how all of this happened. Of course, a good part of me believed it was just a long and sexy dream. The thought of having sex in a dream, losing my virginity in a dream bothered me.
Then what would happen? I would wake in a tangled mess of sweaty sheets with an unsatisfied body and a desire for something with someone that could never happen.
Ever.
I dressed in a hurry because time spent in my room was time spent away from Jack. I tried to tell myself to fuss over clothes to wear - yes, even down to my bra and panties, just in case. My mind would have no part of it, instead obsessing with what this all really meant. So I left my bedroom feeling like a mess, my hair wet and somewhat knotted - I did manage to run a brush through it a few times - wearing a pair of sweats and a t-shirt that hugged me in, what I felt were all the right places. Jack wasn’t the only one who grew up in ten years… things got bigger. The last time he saw me - or I should say, I saw him - I was thirteen, just at the special age where things were beginning to happen.
I walked into the living room and found Jack standing at the window, his hands at his sides, balled into fists. They weren’t relaxing fists either. They were emotional. Either he was angry or just really frustrated.
Maybe because he had to endure the sound of water running, knowing I was naked in the shower.
That reminded me of what Jack had said…
“So you spied on me while I was naked?”
Jack moved slow, stepping to turn around. While he smiled, there was still a hint of something wrong in his face and his eyes.
“I wouldn’t say spying,” he said. “More or less trying to get to you…”
“Touching me? Looking at me?”
“No,” Jack said. “I promise. I wasn’t trying to look. Or gawk.”
“Yeah? How many times have you seen me naked?”
What a strange question to ask. It made my face burn red but my stomach felt as though it had butterflies in it. The thought of Jack sneaking around, spying on me… actually turned me on. For any other guy in the world, it would have been some creepy and pervert trying to look at me. But it was Jack.
And that kind of connection was a little scary.
“I don’t know, Tessa,” Jack said. “Okay? I didn’t try to… any of the times I did. You take really long showers and baths.” He smiled and it made the room feel lighter, easier to handle reality. His hands opened and he put them out for me to take. I was still surprised by their warmth.
“I still don’t understand this,” I said.
“You don’t have to,” he said. “Come here.”
He moved his hands so he took control and he pulled me close to him. I put my head to his chest, knowing I’d leave a wet mark on his shirt. He didn’t seem to care and neither did I. I felt vulnerable but safe, and as I put my arms around Jack, a wave of something came over me. It felt like fear, but I couldn’t be sure what kind of fear it was.
None of that mattered and I shook it away.
I had to spend time in the present, not anywhere else.
I kept my eyes open, too afraid that if I closed them Jack would disappear. His hands were spread open on my back, so big and perfect, exactly what I wanted and needed to feel. I turned my head so my chin was buried in his hard chest and I looked up at him.
“Jack… do you know why the accident happened?”
He looked down at me and smiled. “Yeah. I blame myself.”
His eyes were filled with sorrow, then a shade of guilt that made his face turn stone like. He swallowed hard and his hands moved from my body. I secretly hoped they would go elsewhere, taking things to another level, but instead Jack took my hands and removed them from his body. He put his hand out towards me and backed up.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“It’s my fault. There’s punishment where I come from, Tessa. Things we do come with a price. I forced you into that accident. I thought I was helping you, but…”
He looked away. He started to turn, back to the window, and I grabbed his arm.
“Talk to me,” I said. “How could anything be your fault?”
“The newspapers…”
Oh. That.
I had forgotten about the newspapers and how their pages bent back, leading to discovering my father’s new found freedom.
“I didn’t know what else to do,” Jack said. “I thought by showing you, it would make the rest of this easier.”
“The rest of what?”
Jack ignored me. “I thought you would read the article and do what you’ve always done… turn to your aunt.”
He looked at me with disappointing eyes, like I should have known better than to rush to my car and drive away.
“I’ve driven away before,” I said. I put my hands on hips, ready for a fight.
“I know, Tessa, I know. And the last time you sped away, what happened?”
Jack seemed fatherly then, tall, his eyes booming down upon me. I was left in a shaking kind of shock, the kind that happens when you are caught doing something that you swore nobody else knew about.
The last time I sped away…
“I didn’t crash then,” I shot at him.
“Came close, didn’t you?”
I squinted. The allure of being watched by Jack had passed. Imagining him seeing me naked, torturing him, letting the passionate need for him flourish was one thing, but this…
“What? You were there?”
Jack’s lip curled. “Who do you think stopped it?”
Silence fell again, quiet enough that an electric clicking sound could be heard from Mr. Jenkins’ apartment.
Him and his damn game shows.
There was a round of applause and when it died down, I started talking.
I have a bad habit when I get mad. The words don’t come from my mind, they come from my heart. Auntie B used to joke with me and say that as they flowed from my heart they would spill out of my mouth instead of going to my mind first to process.
Whoops.
“You saved me then, why not now?”
Jack looked like the wind had been punched from him. His hands moved into fists again and his face tightened as he swallowed, again. He licked his lips and turned around. I wasn’t going to stop him this time. He could do whatever he had to do. Nothing was worse than getting in and out of the shower with a set plan of thoughts on your mind and having them shattered.
And yet Jack was still right there, a few feet away. His t-shirt pushing against his back, showing off a set of protective muscles that I wanted to dig my nails into and explore.
I was still turned on, just frustrated on top of it.
“You can’t ask me things like that,” Jack whispered. “And I haven’t forgiven myself for it either.”
“I didn’t mean it that way,” I said. “Jack…”
“No, you’re right.” He looked over his shoulders. Hints of sixteen year old Jack appeared. “I thought you would read the article and stay put. I thought… it would make you afraid. So you’d call your aunt. I had something else to do…”
“Something else to do? What does that mean?”
“I had somewhere to be, Tessa, okay?”
“Oh yeah? Where?”
My nerves were pinching. I was more mad at myself than Jack.
“Dealing with something.”
He was growing infuriated.
Just where I wanted him.
“So you magically appear, tell me you saved me, saw me naked, moved newspapers, but couldn’t be there to stop the accident?”
I sounded bratty and that was okay. I had every right to be bratty right then. Even if Jack didn’t think so.
“I wanted to be there,” he cried out. “And you know that, Tessa.”
“But you weren’t.”
“Because…”
“Because what?”
“I h
ad to see someone.”
“Someone. How typical. Your girlfriend? Is that magic too? Teasing me, breaking my heart?”
By now I expected fire to shoot from Jack’s ears. I pushed him with my words on purpose. I had no regard and no care. I let my bitchy, thirteen year old self come back alive, staring at the boy who was now a man.
Instead of screaming, Jack looked to the window. He wouldn’t look back at me.
“Tell me, Jack,” I said. “You’re magically here and you magically have nothing to share with me.”
“Share? You’re not ready yet.”
“Ready? For what?”
Jack scoffed. “Don’t act so tough, Tessa. I know just how ready you aren’t… and haven’t been.”
Ouch. Jack’s turn at a shot. It hurt, worse than if I had been fighting with a stranger. Technically Jack was a stranger. Someone who just showed up. But my heart knew better, so I fought back.
“That’s right. You’re the spy. So… what? Did you chase guys away from me? Are you the reason I’m still… you know…”
“A virgin?”
“Yes. Fine. A virgin.”
“I guess you could say I had something to do with that.”
“I hate you!”
The words didn’t come from my heart but a different place. A place of fear, guilt, and regret. A place so small but with such a big impact. A place that was reserved for something else, and someone else. It wasn’t meant for Jack and certainly not in that moment.
My hands went to my mouth and I closed my eyes, wishing I could take that back. When I opened my eyes Jack stared at me. How had he turned so fast?
“I don’t hate you,” I whispered. “I hate… all of this…”
“The mess,” Jack said.
I nodded.
He moved towards me again, making me shudder because I honestly didn’t know what to expect. He moved with anger and mild rage, but I didn’t feel threatened. Just nervous. I’m not sure if there’s a difference between those two, but being nervous kept me standing in place.
“The mess I created,” Jack said.
His hands started to come towards me and then he stopped himself.
“Why? Why can’t you touch me? And how did you create this?”
“I know what I did that night too,” Jack said. “I should have run, but I didn’t. When he… hit you Tessa…”
Now I felt rage, the past rearing its ugly head again.
I closed my eyes and shook my head, fighting it.
No, I wouldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t allow it to ruin my night.
I shook my head so hard I had to close my eyes to keep from getting too dizzy. I could have been mumbling something too but I lost focus of everything until I felt Jack’s hands touch my face. He forced me to stop and look at him.
He was breathing heavier now but not quite like me.
“Tessa…”
“You didn’t make this mess,” I said.
“Someone did, but it doesn’t matter. Do you want to know where I was?”
I nodded.
I really did want to know. Not to snoop, but because I was curious. Very curious.
“I wanted you to stay there, for a reason. I had to go see it for myself.”
“See what?”
“The entire purpose that I’m here, Tessa. To protect you.” He turned his right hand, his knuckles grazing along my cheek. “My gosh though, it’s hard… just to be that…”
We were getting off track again. I wanted to be off track. I wanted to be way off track, just Jack and I.
“It’s been a long time,” he said. “Such a long time. To look at you, like this. Looking at me. To see you seeing me. To… touch you, Tessa…”
Jack swallowed and moved down towards my mouth.
Yes, we were going to kiss again.
Yes.
I needed it.
His lips came within a centimeter of touching mine and he stopped.
“I can’t make it worse,” he whispered.
He closed his eyes and started to move away.
I moved to my toes and kissed him. I had to taste his lips again. Just one more quick kiss. Nothing harmful about that, right?
Yeah, right. Ten years ago I had one more kiss with Jack and that ended…
Jack growled an actual growl, desperate to hold himself back. I didn’t want him to hold anything back. His purpose, his words, his body.
“You don’t want to start this,” he said. “If you do, I won’t stop.”
I didn’t respond to Jack, letting him make the decision.
His left hand held my cheek and his right hand was off, exploring. Granted, he wasn’t necessarily touching the spots I wished he would touch, but it was his touch. It was all I needed.
His fingertips ran down my arm, skin to skin, down to my wrist and I imagined him holding my wrist, holding me. Instead, his fingers touched my fingers, tickling them.
Jack hovered over me, and I wanted to taste another kiss from him.
I almost asked for one, as pathetic as it would have been. Before I could do something so stupid, Jack caved into his own desires and kissed me. It was an aggressive kiss, his face crashing to mine. I had no time to think before his tongue touched mine again. We were just a little more comfortable with each other now, kissing faster, deeper, harder. The kiss had more implications than I could handle, leaving me to offer a moan to tell Jack how much I enjoyed the kiss. And needed it.
When he broke the kiss, we lingered for a few seconds, our lips touching, closing, opening… and I knew it was going to be the last kiss of the night.
Somehow in the mix of things the day had become night and I found myself in a position where Jack could be spending the night.
“You look tired,” Jack said.
Yeah, right. Tired.
Being tired was the last thing on my mind. I could sleep whenever I wanted to.
“Do you sleep?” I asked.
“Yes. I do.”
“Where were you… when I left Thorns?”
I had come to the end of Jack’s ability to avoid my questions. He knew it as he ran his hand through his messy hair. He looked deadly sexy as he did so, but I showed no emotion.
“I told you. I had to check on someone.”
“Who?”
He finally said it. “Your father.”
“Jack, I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to face your murderer.
“Don’t be,” he said. “I just had to see it with my eyes.”
“So he’s…”
Jack nodded.
I knew my father was out of prison but Jack had seen it.
I shivered in fear, turning my head, not wanting Jack to see it.
He did.
“What can I do?” he asked me.
I looked at him, trying to hide the tears.
“Hold me. Watch me.”
I stopped when I wanted to add ‘love me’…
“Okay then, that’s what I’ll do.”
And that’s what Jack did.
He held me.
He walked me to the couch and that’s where I slept. I wanted to keep my eyes forever because as I fell asleep I believed that I was going to wake up to an empty apartment.
This was all just a really good, vivid dream.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
My heart told me otherwise.
5
I woke with my legs somehow wrapped around the mess of a heavy comforter. My face was towards the couch and I caught myself slowly moving my nose along the cloth of the couch, wishing it was Jack’s nose. I pictured such an intimate moment, waking to see him staring at me, both of us saying good morning, tasting our wicked morning breaths, and then kissing.
And trust me, that was the mildest thought that went through my mind over the course of the night.
Jack had a hold on me, always had, but seeing him fueled it back to where it once had been. Of course the difference now was that my age came wi
th knowledge. When I was thirteen, it was just feelings. Now I understood what my sexual desires were and what my body wanted and needed.
I sat up and pulled the tangled comforter off my body. My body was still sore from the accident but felt ten times better than waking up in the hospital. Nobody picking and poking at me, asking me questions, bothering me. And… no Auntie B. As much as I loved her, I had grown accustomed to being on my own. Even with her visiting in the hospital, it brought back the memories of her tight hold on me. I would never discount it nor speak of it because the woman raised me and only protected me so much out of love.
Speaking of protection, and love…
I spread my hands out on the couch and sighed.
I looked down, letting my hair fall into my face. I stared down the hollow tunnel of blonde messy hair to my feet, looking at my second toes as they came just little past my fat big toes. There were so many things about myself I would have liked to change, but wasn’t that all women? And people even?
Right then, the only thing I wanted to really change was the fact that I sat alone on the couch.
My heart racing.
My body on fire.
My most sensitive spots aching and longing for Jack.
I tried, even for a moment, to let myself down easy. Telling myself that Jack was just a boy… he was sixteen when it all happened… and that I watched him… saw him… his eyes… his breath… his…
“She finally wakes.”
I threw my head back and gasped.
I thought about the apartment.
Had I locked it?
Who was in here?
It was a man’s voice, not a woman’s.
Jack.
He was standing in the same clothes from the night before, looking alive, well, and really, really hot. He was groggy, his eyes tired from just waking up too, his hair a little more messy. He held a glass of orange juice and walked towards me.
I was in shock, again.
None of it had been a dream.
“I’m really here,” Jack said, sensing my surprise.
“I can see that,” I said.
He handed me the orange juice. I drank it.
“You don’t grocery shop, do you?”
I half smiled as my cheeks turned red.
Hurt Like HELL (new adult contemporary romance) Page 10
