by Rayya Deeb
There was no question in my mind that this was a sequence of memories I needed to keep. Who was Jadel and what had become of him and our relationship before I made it back here to the NeuroQuE procedure? I realized that, although I had been productive so far in my memory dig, I would not get to sleep until I got to the bottom of this Jadel storyline. It would behoove me to reinsert every memory from my experience with Jadel because, if I had inserted fragmented memories of my time with him, it might mess up my recollection process down the line.
I revisited the oddest experience. This beautiful guy, Jadel, offered me a river snail to eat. The sensory experience replayed inside of me as if I was there: the shriveled, rubbery texture against my tongue mixed with the smell of dank post-storm air that was a stew of humid earth and boiling snail meat. I was suddenly so nauseous that I had to run to my toilet and throw up.
I knew that memory was one I needed to replant, but as I crouched over the toilet, I just wanted it to vanish, so I let it slip away.
I started to become confused. Why was I over my toilet? Should I move forward away from whatever memory had me vomiting or should I go backwards because it might be something I would need in the future? I didn't want to replay the memory because it might make me get sick again. I decided that I couldn't handle any more physical burden while my mind was in the midst of such an exhausting workout, so I made a judgement call to move forward.
This process was not something for the faint of heart. I was so spent from vomiting that I couldn't walk back to my bed from the toilet. I had to crawl. My head was so heavy that I needed to lie down. I made it to the edge of my bed, reached up, gripped my covers on top of my mattress and pulled myself up onto my bed. I hit the mattress with a thunk. I let myself focus on my breath until I was fully present in it.
Then I hit the archives of my mind again and dug deeper and deeper, replanting memory after memory after memory. Entering Hub 48, being chased by S.O.I.L., finding out Jadel was on the inside, questioning his motive, hiding from Jadel, being recaptured by a group that ended up being my friends in disguise. Anika had come with Reba, Dom, and a new guy from inside the hub, Giancarlo. But the memory that broke my flow and threw me back into my waking conscious state was when Dom gave me this beautiful moonstone necklace I was wearing. I held it softly between my fingers and wanted to linger there in that memory, and so I did until I drifted off.
40
WITH A FEW blinks I narrowly escaped the clutches of a bizarre dream. My feet had been stuck in muddy quicksand and I was calling out for help. Thick storm clouds were approaching with deep growls of thunder that suppressed the sound of my cries. Nobody would have heard me, so even though I woke with a cloudy head and a hollow stomach, I was glad to have been liberated from that nightmare.
I was face down, curled into a mound of clamminess on my bed. I’d taken all my pajamas off. My damp tank top and underwear clung to my skin. I was cold and numb in my limbs. I reached for my pajama top but it was drenched with sweat so I hopped up to grab a dry sweatshirt. Dizziness engulfed me. My head flopped to the side like a bag of marbles. The space between my ears started to shrink and expand, and my eyes were being squeezed out of their sockets. I grabbed at my ears to try and hold it all in.
A crevice formed between my eyelids and I caught a glimpse of the time— two o’clock! I’d blown straight through the night and into the next day as if time didn’t exist.
I needed to flex Dom. I was at the tippy-top of my awareness that Dom and I had made it past the issues we had when I left for South America. Amidst all this brain bashing I yearned for just a sliver of affection to help push me along.
My flexer went nuts and I couldn’t pull up my contacts. Not a single one. I could barely see because the pounding in my head was too strong, like cymbals being smashed together over and over again, louder and louder, causing my eyes to pop out of their sockets. Electric shocks fired off down through my lungs and into my toes. My toes curled up and my legs cramped. I couldn’t make it stop!
I wailed in pain.
My flexer alerts started going haywire.
It was Ellen:
Doro stay put, I’m on my way.
Then Reba:
Don’t worry, Doro, I will be right there!
Suddenly, a doctor— the one from Claytor Lake, Dr. Cairncross, beamed through in FigureFlex;
Miss Campbell, I need you to come back to my center at Claytor Lake immediately.
Then Dom popped through:
Doro, I got a flex from you, but it keeps saying you’re off the grid. Meet me at Ty’s after session.
Dr. Cairncross again:
This is extremely urgent. You are having dangerous brain activity. I advise you to drop whatever you are doing, find Ellen Malone, and come right away.
Ring, ring, ring at my door.
I pulled as much air into my lungs as possible, pushed myself up to a seated position and screamed in pain from the cramp that rippled through my right calf muscle. I couldn’t move a single centimeter.
Through gritted teeth I flex commanded my door to open. It was Reba. He darted in. I then ordered the door to shut behind him.
“Reba—”
“Campbella, I knew something was up.”
The cramp subsided quickly and I was relieved on multiple levels, but indescribably weak. “Thank god you’re here. You’re such a good friend. I haven’t been a good friend to you.”
“Forget me. You haven’t been a good friend to yourself.”
“Please help me.”
“I’m getting a doctor.”
“No! Please… I don’t want a doctor.” I panted and rubbed at my head near my temples, trying to release a vice grip of stress.
“Well, what do you want to do? Flex your mom?”
“No! Not my mom, she will freak out.”
“You’re freaking me out. Your eyes are spinning into the back of your head! You could have a seizure or a heart attack! We need help. I can't help you. We need someone.”
“Ahhh! Just… just…” I knew something wasn’t right, but Reba didn’t know the NeuroQuE doctor and I didn’t want my mom to see me like this. “I just need Ellen to get here already.”
“Why Ellen?” Reba asked.
“She’s the only one who knows where I need to go.”
I could see Reba’s wheels turning as his eyes shifted from side to side. He calmly said, “I feel she’s a part of of the reason that got you into this state.”
In a way he was right. But so was I.
“She’s not. This is all me. Ahhh!” I tucked my head down under my pillow and screamed out in pain.
“Oh, Doro, your pain is killing me,” Reba gripped his hand on my shoulder. I could feel we were one in the same for a moment. Ever the empath, he was inhaling my agony. I had to find a way to make the pain stop.
My doorbell rang again.
“I’ll protect you,” Reba assured me. But I could tell that, even though he wanted to protect me, he didn’t think he had that capability against what or who was out there beyond the door.
Ellen and Dom announced themselves.
I flex commanded my door to open.
Ellen and Dom rushed in. Dom crouched down on the floor in front of me and took my hands, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. I went to S.E.R.C., The Cantina, Ty’s, and came by three times!”
“I’m sorry, Dom.”
“Don’t apologize and don’t worry about anything right now. All we need to do is make sure you’re okay.”
Ellen wasn’t her calm self in the least bit. “I knew something was wrong when you never flexed me back.”
“She needs a doctor,” Reba asserted.
I could sense Dom wanted to take charge here and take care of me. I appreciated that so much. Clearly I messed up big time. I needed help.
Ellen sat down next to Dom and spoke to me, very gently by Ellen standards, “Doro, we’re going to take you back to Claytor Lake.” She leaned in as to only whisper this t
o me, “I got the call from Dr. Cairncross. You need to get in there immediately.”
Reba nervously rubbed at his head, saying, “Whoa!” and stepped up to Ellen. “Right now she needs a doctor to come see her right here, and not to go to any secret place where they keep doing crazy procedures on her.”
“We appreciate your concern, Timothy, but this issue Doro has is beyond traditional medicine.”
“Okay, I don’t know exactly what is going on but I do know she is worse than the last time I saw her, before you took her to Clayton Lake. I know that’s where you took her. She didn’t have to tell me.”
Ellen shot him a look. “You’re out of line, and if you don’t mind your business, you’re not only going to make this worse for Doro, but for yourself, too.”
“Please stop,” I muttered.
“See!” Reba spat. “She’s in pain!”
Dom caressed my back, “I’m staying with you this time, no matter what.”
I gently smiled at him.
“Can you get up, Doro?” Dom asked.
I shook my head.
“I’ll carry her,” Dom said to Ellen.
Reba moved directly in front of them. “Don’t do this, you guys.”
Dom moved face-to-face with Reba, “You need to back off, buddy. Just go home.”
Ellen held my hand. “You’re freezing,” she said. “Let’s get you into some comfortable clothes.”
Reba stood firm. “Stop pushing her into some fight that is not worth her life! Look at her. It’s killing her!”
“Don’t let them brainwash you, too,” Dom snapped at Reba.
“I can’t be brainwashed!” He retorted.
“Everybody can be brainwashed,” Dom replied.
Ellen helped me get my sweatshirt on. Reba wasn’t having it. “I just know that swimming upstream in the river never got anyone anywhere. We have to go with the flow and stay above water. Ellen is making Doro do the opposite of that and it needs to stop before she drowns!”
“The fact that you just said that proves they’ve got you, too,” Dom asserted.
“And what about you, Ellen?” Reba forcefully asked. I’d never seen him so pushy before.
“Sure, me too. At one point, I was. But I have been digesting information since you were in diapers, Timothy, and I can tell you precisely what’s going on right now.”
“I don’t need to be told to understand.”
“Actually, yes, you do. Sometimes information is more valuable than what you feel or to whom you sense your allegiance. Doro’s unique situation is that she has a flex implant. Therefore, she is forever vulnerable, whereas her father does not have the implant. Her implant was hacked by Flexer Technology because they didn’t want her getting to her dad. They believed if she had, she would have found information that the Departers could use to their advantage. There is a technological battle for mind control of Doro between multiple factions.”
“You are in one of those factions!” Reba shouted.
“And you?” Ellen calmly queried of him.
“The Intuerians have an allegiance to the people that made us a part of a society that cherishes us, unlike the Aboves where we were treated like monsters. We just want to be a part of a good life like every other human being. And they are making that dream a reality.”
“So, the Departers are using mind-control and brainwashing on Doro because she is the only one who can get close enough to influence her dad, and she’s the only one with a mathematical acumen on par with his… and you can get behind that because of your allegiance?” Ellen asked him.
I was completely thrown in that moment but too sick to react. I could barely move or see at this point.
Reba sat down next to me and his voice quieted a bit. “I wasn’t aware.”
Ellen replied, “We know you weren’t. And we know you have no ill intent.”
“I don’t,” Reba assured me, “I just don’t want you to feel like this.”
Dom’s patience for the back and forth was shot. “I don’t care about anything but seeing to it that Doro is given the chance to make her own decisions and nobody is taking advantage of her.”
I had to make a choice. It was weird because, going into this moment, I was standing strong, arm-linked with my friend, Reba, who seemed to be connected to me more so than anyone else. Then I started playing through every fact, and everything presented by Ellen, and I was overloaded with information. It was all contradictory and made my head spin. I couldn’t see a straight line to what was right.
“Doro?” Dom looked pleadingly at me, and the second I caught his gaze none of that mattered. Every hand I’d ever played, every dollar I’d ever made, the flighters I’d jacked, the mainframe I’d hacked, factions, Aboves, Earth, Mars… none of it mattered. There was only one truth here that I knew and it came from within.
I looked at each one of them. “Let’s go.”
41
THE TRIP FROM my residence to C-QNCE was a bit of a blur. I know I was spoken to, and I spoke back, but nothing stuck. This was a literal experience of ‘in one ear and out the other.’ It was as if my brain could no longer accept memories in their complete form because I had been so immersed in re-implanting the old ones. I didn’t know old from new. I just kept hearing Ellen say, “We are going to reboot you.”
I nodded. My forehead contorted as did the muscles in my entire body. I struggled to hang on to any thought I could wrap my head around, but I just couldn’t. Each one came and went, slipping away as a mass of blankness expanded in my mind.
My one stipulation in coming here had been that I would only leave my residence if Dom was by my side the entire time. He was my one and only partner in crime. My solid rock in the raging river. I should have known that from the moment we’d shared in the water at Difficult Run, around the time when we first met, and I should have held on to him and never let him go. I wouldn’t make that mistake again.
I couldn’t even see straight enough to make out what, or who, was two feet in front of me. I got flashes of light and dark, and bits and pieces of dialogue from Dr. Cairncross, Ellen and Dom. My stomach crackled and constricted like it was eating itself. My throat burned. My hand gripped Dom’s, but my strength slowly slipped away along with my mind and there was nothing I could do to hang on.
Time seemed to move in snippets, and the next thing I knew, I was being submerged back into the NeuroQuE’s saline tank.
The white flashing lights began streaming to infinity and beyond. I was scared to death as my body started to convulse. That didn’t happen last time. Something felt terribly unfamiliar and awry. I flailed my arms hoping they would get me out. I didn’t care about my memories anymore. The machines could have them. I just wanted to live. I lost control of my body. Everything felt wrong. Terror rippled from me into the saline.
But then my fear was smothered into a disappearing heap as I was vacuumed up into a dome of warm, creamy light above the saline. I took one massive breath of sacred air and I never breathed it back out.
As my soul was warmed by the light, everything suddenly made sense: Love. With every piece of my heart, love. Drench the world in it as I was being drenched in it now. With every single solitary ounce of love that I pour out, shower my own self generously in it, too. I had been too hard on everyone. I was too hard on myself. I had been so absorbed by the shots firing off inside my skull that I wasn’t trusting in the limitless potential of my soul.
I practically suffocated myself to death with questions of trust on the outside while all along the answer was inside me. All this twisting and turning through the spaces that I could see with my own two eyes, agonizing over what was true and what was false, overthinking other people’s motives and the pragmatism of my own agenda, I had zoomed right past the most important part of it all. Love.
There was a shushing sound as I moved into a funnel of light and everything became incredibly bright. Nothing but light. There was no more pain. No more headaches. No more confusion.
; With total weightlessness I rose above the NeuroQuE and I looked down from about ten feet up. The first thing I saw was my lifeless body on a medical table, being tended to by several doctors and nurses and machines. I wasn’t worried. I was fine. That body wasn’t me. This consciousness was me and here I was.
I saw Dom. He was losing it, right next to my body, begging, pleading, caressing my face, shaking my hand, gripping my arm. All I could hear were muffled voices. They were filled with panic and despair, and I just wanted to let them know it would be okay. They tried to revive me with every tool they had, but nothing would work. That was there and I was here.
I was present. I was exactly where I needed to be. Finally. The chaos behind and before me was an illusion. I was enveloped in a warm hug as I watched the mania of thoughts and emotions transpire. There was no more pain. There were no more worries. I wanted to shed some of this peace for all of the people down there.
Dom had his cheek pressed to mine. Tears streamed down his face. He was clenching his jaw and shaking his head. He was hysterical. Ellen tried to pull him away at the nurse’s command.
Swirling clouds of gray smoke seeped into the room and I didn’t want them to suffocate Dom. I didn’t want them to touch any of the people that surrounded my body, trying to resuscitate it. The good in their hearts was abundant and beautiful. It made the love inside me swell.
That gray smoke was a slow creeping evil, and I felt, if I could drift up higher and reach the peaceful light above, I could bring it back down to extinguish the madness. As the dim blizzard of warmth engulfed my vision, the last thing that I glimpsed was the monitor of my stats below— my pulse flatlined. That beating mass of muscle in my chest stopped and all that was any longer was stillness.
As I blissfully floated in an infinite sea of peace, these two astonishingly powerful little balls of illumination sailed in my direction and circulated around me, and then I connected with one—
Reba.
Hello again.
Where are we?
