“Just trust me on this. I’ll find someone, and it’ll be just the right someone. Now, let’s start with this…”
ROOMMATE WANTED
Chicks or dicks welcome!
Looking for a new roomie? I have a place for you! Like your music loud? I own headphones. Enjoy having late-night guests over? Again, headphones. ;-) Want someone to help pay the bills? Do the dishes? Take out the trash? You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours (metaphorically, of course).
Check us out, getting along already.
Must be able to pay first and last month’s rent up front.
Must be okay with Breakfast & Beats.
No dogs.
No trying to sleep with me.
Two bedrooms. One bathroom.
$350/month plus electricity.
If interested, email [email protected]
P.S. Dick pics sent directly to my grandmother. Don’t do that shit to her.
Two
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: I saw your flyer…
Dear Batman,
I’m going to assume, based on your email, you’d like to be addressed as Batman. I’m sort of a comic nerd, so please excuse me if I’m wrong.
Anyway, I saw your flyer on the bulletin board on campus and have a few questions before we seal this deal.
1. What’s wrong with the apartment? Is it the location? The condition? That’s awfully cheap for the area.
2. You said no dogs—is that no pets or just no dogs?
3. What does the electricity bill typically run?
4. Do you have a move-in date available?
This isn’t a question, but I wanted to say you’re welcome for not including a dick pic.
Thank you for your time,
Mr. Edward Nigma
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: You got lucky
Dear Edward,
I have to say that including a picture of a COCK and not a DICK…well, that one made me laugh. You earned your reply.
1. Nothing is wrong with the apartment and it’s in a nice area. Rent is inexpensive because my parents love me and won’t let me work long hours during school. They pay a good portion of the rent.
2. Dogs specifically. I’m not a fan. I’m a cat person. I only recently found out we can have pets and thought I’d include that for when you sign the lease. You know, covering my ass and all that.
3. The electric bill typically runs about $50.
4. The apartment is available immediately, but I would like to take the time to get to know you first before you move in. Possibly two weeks from now? That’s not too much to ask, right?
Now that we got that out of the way, tell me about yourself, Edward. Make me want to have you as a roommate.
Best,
The Non-Bruciest of all Bruce Waynes
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Oh, you want me.
Batman,
Not to sound like a walking cliché, but I’m kind of the ideal roommate. I work and have other obligations, so I don’t spend a tremendous amount of time at home. You’ll probably be on your own often. I don’t party, hardly ever have guests over, and I’m a neat freak. In fact, you’ll be so bummed I’ve moved out when it comes time for me to get a big boy job and leave you behind that you won’t know what to do with yourself.
I should also note that you’re in luck—I’m a cat person myself. He’s six months old and would love to come along to a new place with me. I’ve included a picture of him in an attempt to charm you.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Still on the fence…
Edward,
Though including the picture of the cat was a good idea, I’m still on the fence. You sound too good to be true.
How are we going to fix this? I’m worried about giving up this amazing room to someone who will let me down. Not saying you will but… #trustissues
Also…you’re a dude. You have a dick.
I have a vagina.
Will that be an issue?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: No issues.
Batman,
The apartment sounds too good to be true. Guess we’re at an impasse there.
What would you having a vagina change? I’ll still have a dick. Are you going to be okay living with a guy? Because it’s not going to be a problem for me at all.
Is there anything I can do to convince you I’m not a complete shitbag?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Hmmm…
Edward,
Send more cat pictures.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Easy to please.
Batman,
DONE
P.S. His name is Mittens.
P.P.S. I’m sorry it’s taken me a few days to respond. Remember when I said I work a lot and am rarely home? It’s been one of those weeks. I’m not a flake, I promise.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: BECAUSE OF HIS PAWS?!
Edward,
I won’t lie, I really needed that today.
I only thought you were a flake for about ten minutes until I remembered you said you have a nutso schedule. Where do you work that keeps you so busy, and how do you manage that while in school? And you said you have other obligations on top of all that? What year are you? That sounds like a lot for a college student to take on. Really unfair, if you ask me.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Apologies
Edward,
It’s been two days since I’ve heard from you.
Either you’re busy or you think I’m a nosy, judgmental brat.
I apologize if I overstepped any boundaries. I promise I’m not usually so…obnoxious.
You seem like a cool guy and I hope I didn’t ruin anything.
P.S. I really only want you to be my roommate so I can pet your…cat.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Ugh.
Batman,
I knew it was only about the cat.
Your questions weren’t too intrusive. I’m a senior and keep busy with working the graveyard shift, sports, and family obligations.
Honestly, I don’t know how I do it all either. It’s kind of a lot, but someone’s gotta do it, right? At least that’s what I keep telling myself. If I’m not taking care of things, who will?
Anyway, I’m rambling now. You don’t need to hear any of this.
Keep me updated on the availability, please.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: I understand
Edward,
I can understand where you’re coming from. I’m an only child and admittedly I’ve lived a good life, but I’m sort of a perfectionist.
Being a perfectionist and an artist don’t go hand in hand.
I know, I know, I do it to myself, but I can’t help it. My brain won’t let me move on until things are just right…but then I feel like nothing is ever just right.
Hence my dating life and less than stellar track record there.
Ugh, now I’m the one rambling. You really don’t need to hear all of this.
The apartment is still available. I’ve had a few others email, but nothing has felt right. Not even you.
Wow, this whole thing just came full circle, didn’t it?
I’m stopping before I tell you my entire life story—no one wants to hear that.
FROM: [email protected]
&
nbsp; TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: For what it’s worth, I’m a good listener.
Batman,
Brace yourself…hard-hitting question coming in 3, 2, 1…
Do you think I’m roommate material? I’ve run into some…well, let’s say issues, and I sort of need to get the ball rolling on finding a cheaper place to live. I looked at apartments on my day off yesterday and every one I saw was either infested with mice, had bongs scattered about (which, hey, whatever floats your boat), or the renter greeted me in their underwear. As you can see, the conditions weren’t ideal. Your place just sounds much nicer than these.
Do I have a shot? Or should I keep looking?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Desperate
Edward,
The reason it’s taken me two days to respond is…
You sound desperate, and slightly shady.
Half of me is like “oh man this poor dude,” but the other half—the cautious half—is saying you sound too desperate, and that means you’re going to turn out to be a creeper or a murderer.
To fix this, I think we need to meet…in a very public setting. Then I can decide if you’re a creeper or not.
Thoughts? Opinions? Concerns?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Deal
Batman,
I’m in.
Lola’s on Tuesday at 6PM okay?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: RE: Deal
Edward,
It’s a date!
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: WTF
I DID NOT MEAN A DATE DATE.
Because there will be no bangin’, remember? No trying to stick your magic wang into this hot pocket.
GOT IT?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: GOT IT
You mean I can’t put my Lik-A-Stix in your Fun Dip? Open the gates of Mordor with Gandalf’s staff? Slytherin to your Chamber of Secrets? Put my email in your spam folder?
Wow. Why don’t you just take all the fun out of this then?
P.S. YEAH, I GOT IT.
Three
“How are you supposed to know which one is him?”
“Ah, shit,” I mutter under my breath. “We didn’t talk about this. I’ve been so scatterbrained this week trying to make the deadline on my project that I didn’t even think to ask. Crap.”
It’s been just under two weeks since Edward contacted me about the empty room I have, and my first reaction to him was laughing at his name.
Edward? How Twilight.
Then I laughed at what he sent me—a picture of a rooster—because, hey, it wasn’t a dick pic. I knew right then I had to email him back, and he was the frontrunner in my search. He’s the exact kind of roommate I’d like to have.
“Are you sure about this, Zoe? I mean, he sounded desperate for the room. That should be a red flag, right?”
I nod. “It should be, but it didn’t feel like one—know what I mean?”
She twists her lips up and I know she agrees with me. I showed her every email Edward sent. Neither of us felt anything off about him, though we felt we should because of his neediness.
I watch as she pushes her sunglasses up on her nose and laughs. Delia insisted she be here for the meet and greet but didn’t want to be that friend. So, instead, she’s sitting on the other side of the bar, wearing head-to-toe black, and Zach is here too, wearing a black ball cap pulled low over his eyes, a hoodie with the hood pulled up, and jeans.
They stick out like sore thumbs.
“You two look like idiots,” I tell her.
“Shut up,” she growls as she flips me off. Zach catches wind of what she’s doing and flips the bird my way too, not even knowing why.
He’s such a good support system.
“Do you think he’s here already?” I hear Zach ask her.
“I don’t see anyone who looks like an Edward.”
“And how does one look like an Edward?” Zach asks. I can hear the smile in his voice. “Pale and constipated looking?”
Delia gasps and smacks at his arm. “How dare you! He was trying to resist her scent!”
“Can we please stop discussing Twilight and get back to the task at hand? Scan the room with me, Delia. Who looks like he could be my Edward?”
“What about that guy in the corner wearing the tweed jacket? Or the guy in the blue sweater?”
“So, basically the two dudes who are wearing outfits similar to what Edward wore in the movie?”
She opens her mouth but hesitates. “Y-Yes,” she finally says.
“You’re horrible at this.”
“Are you two really talking on the phone across the bar right now?”
I jump at the familiar voice, bumping my drink and sloshing soda onto the table.
I look up at the offender and glare. “You owe me a new Cheerwine.”
Caleb Mills smirks down at my delicious cherry-flavored soda. “Cheerwine? Really, Zoe?”
“What? It’s a damn good drink and you know it.” He nods and slides himself onto a barstool. “Sure, please, take a seat at my table, Caleb.”
“Aw, thanks. It is a good drink, but you’re in a bar—why aren’t you drinking?”
I shake my cup at him. “I am.”
“What’s Caleb doing here?” Delia asks in my ear.
“Hell if I know,” I answer her.
Caleb turns around and waves her way. She and Zach both raise their drinks to him.
It still blows my mind how chill Delia and Caleb are after having dated for six months last year. They split amicably with no bad blood between them, but it’s always awkward when your ex starts dating someone new and you’re there to witness it.
Not with them.
Last year after a nude photo of Delia went around, Caleb was right there on the battlefield along with us, making sure to keep the identity of the girl in the photo under wraps and ensuring that the douchebag who sent it got what was coming to him.
That was the first time I noticed him in a way I shouldn’t, and it wasn’t even in an omg he’s hot sort of way—I noticed that long ago.
No, it was the way he was there fighting for his friend, the way he went against the most powerful player on his team knowing he was putting his career in jeopardy to do the right thing.
It was his fierceness and determination.
His loyalty.
I’ve been spurned by lack of loyalty far too many times. Caleb’s loyalty calls to me, makes me want to get to know him, to get close to him.
I could use someone like him in my life.
“Make him leave. We’re on a mission here, Zoe.”
“I can’t just tell him to go away, Delia. That’s rude.”
My surprise guest raises a brow. “That is rude.” He grins, and I consider how cute his grin is.
I’m not blind; I’ve noticed Caleb before. Hell, I noticed him well before Delia ever did, and I’ve always thought he was attractive in your typical boy-next-door sort of way.
With blond hair that curls at the collar and dark blue eyes that always have a twinkle in them, Caleb’s handsome, and I’ve been heartbroken by too many pretty faces in my life.
“Tell him he’s the one being rude. Tell him about our mission.”
“We’re doing something here, Caleb. Do you mind?”
He holds a hand to his chest, that twinkle of his ever present. “Am I that unworthy of your time? Am I so unwelcome after all I’ve done for you and Delia?”
“Tell that asshat he can only play that card for so long,” Delia says.
“I’m not telling him that. He has a point.”
“Point, schmoint.” She pulls the phone from her mouth. “Hey, we’re w
orking here!” she shouts with an accent. I’m certain she was aiming for New Jersey, but it’s not even close to actually sounding like that.
Caleb laughs and shakes his head. “Cheerwine, right?”
I nod and he takes off, heading toward the bar.
“What did you say this guy’s name was again?” I hear Zach ask Delia.
“Edward Cullen,” she replies.
“His name is not Edward Cullen, you ass!” I hiss through the phone.
“Fine. Just Edward.”
“What was his email address again?”
“You showed him the emails?” It comes out as a screech, and the patrons occupying the table next to mine look my way. I give them a look, and they all turn their attention away.
I Wanna Text You Up Page 2
