by J. H. Croix
The half moon sat low over the mountains. Stars stretched in glittering glory across the inky sky. She finally fell asleep by counting the stars.
Chapter 18
Aidan kicked his office door shut behind him and sat down with a thud. He had a luxurious office chair, so it easily absorbed the blow. He ran a hand through his hair and leaned back, kicking his feet up on his desk. Ever since Becca had driven away last week, he’d been restless and distracted. He was upside down and sideways inside. Despite brutal workouts every morning, he couldn’t settle down and clear his mind. His thoughts flicked back to the dark, rainy night when he’d impulsively kissed her. At the time, he’d foolishly thought he could somehow wade through the muddle of waiting for her.
His entire adult life, he’d prided himself on his ruthless control. Being a Navy SEAL had demanded it of him, and he’d embraced that demand with ease. Yet, he couldn’t have imagined how little control he could have when it came to his heart. Becca was certainly not the first woman to stir desire in the physical sense. Oh, she certainly had a lock on him in that area, but it wasn’t that which threw him so. It was his heart, his foolish heart. He was winging it every step of the way with her. He had no plan and didn’t know how to formulate one. She was now thousands of miles away, and he had no idea what ‘playing it by ear’ meant to her.
There was a sharp knock on his door. He pushed his chair back and set his feet on the floor. “Come in,” he called.
Jo poked her head around his door. She eyed him for a moment and then stepped through the door. She held two cups of coffee in her hands.
“Everything okay?” he asked, puzzled at her hesitation.
Jo turned her sharp brown eyes to him. “Making sure you weren’t wearing the scowl that seems to have become an almost permanent expression for you,” she said.
Aidan sighed. “Come on, Jo. Cut me some slack. I haven’t been that bad.”
Jo rolled her eyes. “Uh, yeah, you have. What the hell’s going on with you anyway?”
Aidan gestured for Jo to sit in the chair on the other side of his desk. She sat down and slid one of the cups of coffee across his desk to him. “Got your favorite from It’s Raining Coffee.”
He smiled wryly and picked up the coffee for a sip. He savored the rich, dark flavor. “Damn, they have the best coffee.”
Jo nodded, but remained quiet. She was disconcertingly good at waiting patiently when it was time for someone else to talk. In this case, it was his turn. He took another swallow of coffee and looked over at her. She was dressed in her usual black slacks, white blouse and black jacket. Her brown hair was pulled into a neat knot atop her head.
After too many quiet moments, he sighed. “I guess I’ve been kinda cranky.” That was his brilliant opening.
Jo arched a brow. “Kinda. You okay?”
He shrugged. “So, so.”
“Why do I get the feeling this has something to do with a woman?”
He stared at her, willing his expression to remain calm though he felt tossed asunder inside. He couldn’t recall a time—ever—in his life when he’d been so befuddled by his emotions that someone felt the need to comment on it. Jo knew him well. She’d worked for him for years and was the mother hen of all of his employees. She was the one who knew everyone’s favorite dessert and made it for birthdays. She was also the one who checked on anyone who was out sick too long. He took a breath and set his coffee down.
“What gives you that idea?” he finally asked.
Jo’s eyes softened. “Well, it might have been because George and Dale noticed you were pretty damn attentive to Becca Hamilton the night you found her after she got ran off the road.”
“Fuck! I don’t need the guys gossiping around here. That’s bullshit! I’ll…”
Jo waved him off. “Cut the shit. They just noticed how you were around her. Because you’re so under control all the time, little things like that get noticed. George was kinda hoping maybe you liked her. You could use a woman in your life. I worry about you sometimes.”
Aidan rolled his head back and forth, trying to ease the tension in his neck. “Right, right. I’ll leave the guys alone about it.” He paused and met Jo’s eyes. “Becca might have something to do with this,” he offered with a sheepish shrug.
Jo laughed softly. “So George was right?”
“Yup. I guess you could say we’ve been seeing each other.”
Jo grinned widely and lifted her coffee cup in a faux toast. “So that’s good then, right?”
He shrugged. “Not so sure. She’s in Alaska for the month now.”
Jo’s eyes widened. “For a whole month?”
“Yup. Barry wanted her to do a spin in another district court until the dust settles on the situation with Morris Connor. It was either that, or take a vacation. She took the vacation,” he said with a shrug.
Jo pursed her lips and eyed him. “So, what do you want to happen?”
“What do you mean?”
“With her?”
“Well, I, uh…” His heart clenched, almost painfully, in his chest. He’d never talked to anyone about the years he’d longed for Becca. To say aloud what he wanted felt strange.
Jo tilted her head to the side. “Wow. This is all new for you, huh?”
“What do you mean?” He was starting to feel like a broken record. That’s how much he was winging this. He had to ask obvious questions over and over. Yet, he didn’t have the answers, so he had to ask.
“A relationship. In the years I’ve worked for you, you’ve never had one. You’ve dated here and there, but that’s it.”
“Can’t say that I have much experience in this area. Never planned to.”
Jo nodded slowly. “Exactly. You’re the man with the plan. For everything. I’m guessing this is even harder because it’s near impossible to plan feelings. They just happen. It’s willy-nilly, loosey-goosey stuff. For a man like you, always in control, always in charge—well, feelings would be hard.”
He considered her words and tried to summon some semblance of control, of how to manage this, but he kept coming up short. It irked him that his internal confusion was triggering this chronic irritation and spilling out into other parts of his life. He took another gulp of coffee and looked over at Jo.
“Any advice?”
Jo smiled ruefully. “Well, you know my story, Crazy, young love. Had two kids and a marriage that flamed out pretty damn quick. Not so sure you want my advice. The only thing I can offer is to suggest you try to stop thinking too much about it. The head and the heart rarely communicate well. Oh, and call her! Call her every day while she’s gone.”
***
Aidan walked through the misty rain. He’d eschewed a raincoat and forgotten his umbrella, yet he barely noticed the rain. He’d finished a long day at the courthouse. Some days, security duty at the courthouse was long and dull. Others, it was one small event after another. Today’s calendar was trial call for a host of defendants, including two who’d started scuffles in court. It was like dominoes after that happened. He’d spent much of the day dealing with fallout and escorting defendants around between hearings. He’d insisted on sticking to his plan to cover the courthouse for a few weeks, but with Becca gone, the days were filled with a few too many painful reminders. The cool, damp air was a balm after the stuffy courthouse building.
As he made his way up the street, his eyes landed on the sign for Garrett’s old law firm. Aidan’s brain went immediately to Becca. He’d called her every day—just like Jo said he should. The question he forgot to ask was what to say. He couldn’t quite bring himself to ask Jo that. Everything about this left him feeling unmoored inside. So, when he called, he simply asked about her day. He hated how he couldn’t get a good sense of how she felt. He heard the superficial details of life in Alaska, how her brothers were doing and more.
He collided with someone on the sidewalk. “Oh sorry!”
The woman he’d almost knocked over glanced up at him. “Looks
like neither one of us was paying attention,” she offered with a shrug.
He quickly leaned over, picked up her purse and handed it to her.
She nodded her thanks and immediately swung it over her shoulder before hurrying past him. He remained where he was, standing in the rain on the sidewalk. The rain had moved beyond soft mist. He could feel the moisture seeping through his jacket. He shook his head and forced himself to keep walking. Moments later, he shouldered through the door into the parking garage.
He picked up takeout pizza on the way home. After he got back to his offices and made his way upstairs to his apartment, he took a quick shower before plunking down on the couch with his pizza. His apartment was too quiet, so he turned on the news and barely listened. Getting the damn pizza made him recall the night he’d spent with Becca before she left. He stood and carried what was left of the pizza into the kitchen and stowed it in his almost empty refrigerator.
He snagged his phone off the counter and called Becca.
“Hey there!”
At Becca’s warm greeting, the hollow feeling in his chest eased slightly. “Hey, just thought I’d call.”
He could hear voices in the background. Becca said something to someone else. Her voice returned. “How’s life in Seattle?”
“Same, same. Been raining all day. How are things up there?”
She started to tell him something when another voice called her name. Again, he heard her muffled reply.
“You sound a little busy,” he commented after a beat. “I’ll let you go.”
“Sorry. I’m at Garrett’s place for dinner. Marley and Gage just showed up with a few other friends of theirs. It’s a little loud.”
“Tell everyone I said hey. I’ll call tomorrow if that’s okay.”
There was a moment of hesitation, and his gut coiled. She did finally reply, but he sensed the beat of uncertainty. “Of course.”
Chapter 19
Aidan spent the following morning in his office. He reviewed the monthly accounts and checked in with Barry at the courthouse to let him know he was putting Dale back on the lead for his security team at the courthouse. Jo dropped off a coffee for him. Midway through the morning, his phone buzzed. He saw Gage’s name flash on the screen before he answered.
“Gage, what’s up?” Aidan asked by way of greeting.
He and Gage went back years. Aidan was a few years ahead in making it through Navy SEAL training, but Gage was assigned to his team once he made it through. They’d served together for the remainder of Aidan’s military career. Aidan was tight with all of his former team members, but he was closest to Gage. They’d shared a mutual friendship with Matt who had died on a mission. They’d grieved through that together. They didn’t talk much about it, but silently supported each other. Gage had introduced him to his family early on in their military days together. Aidan’s friendship with the rest of the Hamilton family had developed naturally due to their proximity to Ellie. With both of his parents gone, Gage’s parents were probably the closest thing to parents Aidan had. Aidan sensed Gage’s call wasn’t casual. Aidan had been wondering how the hell to navigate the situation with Becca. He didn’t want to hide anything from Gage, but he didn’t know how Gage would feel about it. He worried more how Becca would feel if Gage knew about them.
“Thought I’d call and check in. Becca mentioned you sent your greetings last night.”
After a few minutes of casual conversation, Gage got right to the point. “Mind telling me what’s up with you and Becca?”
Fuck. Think fast, dude. Gage isn’t stupid, so he’ll know if you’re sidestepping. Dammit, you knew this was coming. You should have just called him and faced it. Yeah, but Becca comes first. Until she was ready for this to be out there, you had to wait. He hated to be caught in the middle like this. Aidan took a breath and tried to formulate the best reply. As with everything with Becca, his usual ability to think on his feet and have some kind of plan was sadly hampered. He took a breath and figured if nothing else, he’d be honest.
“Look, the only reason I haven’t said anything sooner is because I don’t know how Becca might feel about it.”
Gage’s silence lasted several beats. “Fair enough. She’ll be plenty pissed at me for asking. She’s been, uh, off since she’s been up here. You called last night, and she seemed, I don’t know, flustered. Just tell me what’s going on with you two.”
Aidan’s chest was tight, but he took a slow breath and leaned back in his chair, idly turning an hourglass he kept on his desk and watching the sand slowly pass through. “If you’re going to insist, I guess Becca and I started to see each other. It’s only been a few times, and I don’t even know what it means to her.”
“What does it mean to you?” Gage asked sharply.
“A lot.”
“Not good enough. Becca had her heart stomped on by her loser fiancée. There’s no fuckin’ way I’m standing by while one of my best friends potentially breaks her heart again. Exactly what are you looking for? You like to keep things casual when it comes to women. It is not okay for you to approach Becca as yet another casual, fly by night woman in your life.”
Gage’s tone was low, but pulsing with anger. Aidan knew without a doubt Becca would be furious if she heard any of this. Aidan took a breath and considered what to say. He’d elected to go with honesty, but he didn’t know how far to go.
“The way I feel about Becca isn’t casual. At all. Good enough?”
“Does she know how you feel?”
Aidan’s heart squeezed and that unsettled feeling in his gut turned in a slow circle. “Don’t know. She’s, uh, pretty cautious. I’m trying to give her space.”
“Two thousand plus miles is a hell of a lot of space.”
Aidan chuckled, his chest easing slightly. “I didn’t plan that part. She did. I’m the first to say a vacation was overdue for her. She’s as bad as Garrett used to be. She works constantly. I’m glad she’s getting a chance to visit you guys up there.”
Gage muttered something under his breath.
“I’m sorry. Missed that. What’d you say?”
Gage swore softly. “Can’t believe I’m about to say this. It’s only because you’re one of the best men I know. I’m still pissed you started up with my sister and I didn’t know about it, but I think you might mean something to her.” Gage paused and sighed heavily. “Maybe you should come up for a visit too.”
Aidan was so startled, he didn’t say a word.
Gage’s voice knocked him out of his stupor. “You still there?”
“Yeah. I’m here. You, uh, think I should come up there?”
“Here’s the thing. I know Becca. She’s so damn good at convincing herself relationships aren’t worth it, give her too much time away from you and she’ll be back on that track. She’s so bitter about relationships, she polices the rest of us. She scared Marley at first because she was all tough and protective about me. I wouldn’t say anything if it weren’t for how she looked after she got off the phone with you last night. Just think about it. Whatever you do, don’t tell Becca you’re coming up here because she’ll tell you not to.”
Aidan’s brain couldn’t compute at the moment, but he got the last part. He knew quite well Gage was right. Becca liked to be in control. Which he understood, as he preferred the same. He finally gathered himself enough to reply. “I’ll think about it.”
He could imagine Gage’s nod when he spoke. “You do that. Whatever you do, don’t break her heart. If it means walking away, you do it.”
“Understood.”
***
Becca walked along the beach. Marley had given her directions to Otter Cove Harbor. Becca wanted a walk on the beach, and Marley assured her the beach near the harbor was perfect. Oscar ran ahead, sniffing madly. He circled back to her every few minutes and then scampered off again. She paused and looked out over the bay. It was heading into early fall here, so the air had a bite to it. A salty breeze gusted off the wate
r. The mountains were quiet sentries on the far side of the bay. Mount Augustine, one of several nearby volcanoes, rose from the water in the distance. Small clouds circled its peak.
She continued walking, her eyes coasting over the rocks scattered on the beach. Alaska’s beaches were covered with a veritable array of multi-colored rocks—red, green, pink, purple and gray rocks were everywhere. She picked up a chunk of hardened lava, a bright red piece. It was so light it was almost weightless. Seagulls flew above the water. A seal rose out of the water near the shore, watching her curiously. As she continued her walk, the seal dove under the water and rose again. Oscar eventually noticed the seal. What commenced was an amusing game of peek-a-boo between Oscar and the seal. Oscar had enough sense to stay close to shore, but he paddled in the shallows while the seal swam under water and surfaced repeatedly, each time watching Oscar.
The breeze began to pick up, so Becca called for Oscar to follow her back to the car. She’d hoped the walk would soothe her mind. To be specific, she’d hoped to nudge her thoughts off their relentless circle of Aidan. Though her walk had been calming and beautiful, Aidan was still there, permanently lodged in her brain. A loon floated in the water just beyond the entrance to the harbor, rocking in the soft roll of the water’s surface.
She turned up the path leading to the parking lot, calling over her shoulder for Oscar. He galloped to her side, his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth. She grabbed a towel from the back of her car and dried Oscar quickly, brushing the sand off, before letting him hop into the car.
Later that night, she let herself into her suite. She’d shared dinner with Marley and Delia in the lodge restaurant. For the first time in years, she had time on her hands. She glanced around the lodge suite. It had a king bed to one side with an efficiency kitchen and round table to the other. A luxurious bathroom was by the bedroom area. The room faced the ski slopes, which were free of snow this time of year. The bay was visible in the distance to one side. The entire back wall had a run of windows. Gage had gambled and decided to keep the lodge open all year long. He’d coordinated with a local fishing charter business and wilderness flight business for guests. As such, he’d kept the lodge busy all summer and into fall.
