by Davi Cao
“Didn’t you know how much she liked you? How come you love someone without telling, without being sure?” Dalana scratched her head and pulled her front pocket in equal distress.
“I don’t know, I was... I was silly, I lost too many chances.”
Angeline closed her eyes, breathing again. She calmed herself down. Watery eyes, wet face, paper sheets drying her skin up. Trembling hands on disheveled hair, disciplining strands, making her look presentable. She blew her nose one last time and left the bathroom, picking her purse up on the way to the boss’ room.
“Mr. Alden, I need a day off. I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you later,” she said, and left.
Angeline treated herself with a memory session. Colin’s pictures on the Internet, his messages to her, the souvenirs he had given to her. All part of her daily life, routine even, all proof of love and dedication, deeper than ever with the power of loss.
Rivers flowed on her cheeks, a sadness so strange that she threatened to kill the entity itself of regret, for putting her in such a bad state. It was the farewell to a friend, to a platonic love that struck her, a person she knew for years and was just beginning to understand. She cried and slept, waking up again only the next day.
Colin watched the scene and cried with her, he suffered the same pain of distance, he that had lost everything and survived to tell the tale, locked in eternity with the weight of loss. Dalana embraced him to offer comfort, someone to make him go through separation with the hope of a new tomorrow. He hugged her back, thankful for her presence there with him, for she didn’t have to do that, she didn’t have to be with him, she had the whole universe to look for new friends, and yet she chose him, he who did everything to have a world of his own and his alone.
In the office, the next day, Angeline put her purse on Colin’s former chair by her side. To block his absence, to protect his seat, to honor his life, a mark of her own. She prepared herself to get back to life, now that the sky flames died, now that the planet returned to normality, another proof that she had it all wrong, that the world wouldn't end and leaving Colin alone on the beach day was silly of her.
“My dear ones, we walk through troubled times, but don’t despair,” Laura’s voice spoke, Terra’s prophet reaching out to the workers from Mr. Alden’s room.
The boss himself opened his door after putting his computer’s speakers in full volume, nodding at them all to enforce his request. The message echoed around the room and sparkled in his eyes, a man enamored by the preaching woman and the world view she painted with precision.
“You may be aware of the ongoing crisis this world is currently facing,” Laura continued. “The economy needs adjustments, the market needs calibration, yes, we are all aware of that. Please allow me to speak for everybody when I say that we all offer our creative potential to the sacrifice of wellbeing. Yes, we do, we want the world to grow, to spread its wealth to all.
“But I don’t mean a mere sacrifice of the flesh, nor do I refer to the spread of decaying morale. What I offer us all is a chance to use time, our most precious gift, to the benefit of others. Work, my dear ones, hard work, food to eat, houses to live in, apparel, electronics for communication. The sacrifice is time, the moral is work. This is the path to the Heaven of abundance, this is the way to salvation from need.”
The message ended and abandoned the room, filling it up with the bitter smell of rotten meat, the scent of the sacrifice they all had to offer to the world. It had an immediate effect upon Angeline, electrifying her to perform the countless tasks on her check-list with a renewed sense of terror.
“You’ve got too much accumulated,” Jason said by her side. “If you can’t control your feelings, it’ll only get worse for you. I heard Mr. Alden is not very happy with you after what you did yesterday.”
“Why... No, I said I’d make up to him, it was a difficult day. I’ll stay until late today, I’ll catch up with you guys,” Angeline said, putting a hand on her purse.
“Yeah, you’d better do it, really.”
In the end of the day, Mr. Alden packed his stuff and left the office. Angeline warned about her staying a few more hours, to which he replied with an encouraging smile, sarcastic in the sense that his eyes stared at her with suspicion. Nevertheless, she kept her resolve, entering the night with a tense jaw that chewed on her own teeth with the stress of overwork.
It was nine pm and she sat alone in the room, working. “The sacrifice is time, the moral is work,” she remembered, and it fueled her spasmodic hands, which clicked nonstop and made her feel numb both in body and mind.
“You’re too quiet now,” Dalana said, restless with Colin’s silence ever since Angeline's rebirth.
“I’m watching...” he said, out of words.
“I can see that. Is there nothing we can talk about? I feel like talking a bit.”
“Later... We have the eternity ahead of us.”
A life of extra hours and night work revealed a nightmare to Angeline. Living alone, it disrupted her eating habits and resting time, spending a long time in bed later with a fervent mind that didn’t let her fall asleep, despite the late hours.
She got home, hurried to eat, struggled with the pillow, and woke up way too early the next day to leave for her job again. Her body, though, didn’t cooperate, keeping her stuck on the mattress with the laziness of a distressed life.
An hour later, she managed to get up, already past the time. Angeline ran to get in time to the office, losing the bus on the way and stressing out with every small perk.
Behind her computer screen, she fought against the pain in her eyes to take care of her tasks, against her unwilling body to remain seated, because Mr. Alden patrolled the room since the moment of her arrival.
“Have you guys seen the news yesterday? It’s all over the Internet, as well, so you can check that out and see that I’m not lying, that I’m just a victim of this system, like you, and I’m trying to protect us all, you know I am, am I right? Yeah, yeah, you bet I am, I’m running this business for the win, we are all the best in here, aren’t we, but... But, you saw that, it’s not my fault, it’s the economy that’s bad. Even our blessed Laura is speaking of that, of the troubles we’re facing, low prices and small growth, and it’s getting hard for me too, it’s not pretty.” He swirled his hands in front of his face while making circles behind every computer.
“Mr. Alden, what do you want to say?” Angeline said, annoyed at his fooling around when her head begged for silence.
“What do I want to... Oh, gee, I see someone didn’t sleep well tonight.” He smiled at the employees facing him. “Going straight to the point, then, my fellow Angeline, what I’m talking about is that the economy is bad for us too. I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cut costs in here, and that means I’ll have to lay somebody off. I still don’t know who that might be, but I’m getting a clue.”
For Dalana, who watched the scene from the window, the raised eyebrow in Mr. Alden’s face and his condescending smile meant he would fire her. She stared at Colin to see his reaction, meeting a calm man still entranced by the mere presence of his beloved one so near him and yet unreachable.
“You’re going to do something now, aren’t you? I know you’re not so good at reading expressions, but look at her, see that frown, those clenched lips. She’s afraid of being out of job,” Dalana said.
“I know, we all are, it’s a common fear. It’s one that pushes us to action and makes the world what it is.” Colin kept his eyes fixed on Angeline, arms held over his belly.
“So, it’s not bad? That’s odd. If you need this money thing to survive, and can only have it through work, then it’s bad to have no job. I don’t understand.”
“It’s bad, yes, when fear becomes real. But it won’t happen to Angeline. She’s one of the best in the office, and even if Mr. Alden goes crazy and fires her, she can get something new in no time. We shouldn’t be worried, she’ll be fine.”
Angeline spent three hours to pr
epare a file for print, something she hardly took ten minutes under normal circumstances. The print shop called her in despair, begging to get it now to have enough time.
Her mind wandered from place to place, she talked to Colin in her imagination, she pictured herself in the mystical oasis of legend, she saw herself on the streets struggling to make ends meet. She locked herself in the bathroom and cried. The world spun around her, making her legs tremble from weakness and her vision fade from a headache.
“That’s not a good life for a human. I know we like a bit of variety, but she can’t do interesting things this way. Her creativity is constrained, not liberated, so what can she do?” Dalana said.
“This is how people are. Don’t you like to read faces? She’s alive, that’s what matters, and although she’s not happy now, I know she’s glad for being alive,” Colin said.
“I think you’re gladder than her in this regard.”
Dalana left Colin alone in the computer room, after Angeline returned. He sat by his love’s side and followed her every move.
“I’m going out for a walk, ok? I’ll be right back,” Dalana said, looking into Angeline’s painful eyes and sharing her anguish. She would ease that distress, yes, she would do something to improve Angeline’s life. Dalana left the office and headed toward Angeline’s apartment.
∙ 13 ∙ Portable Utopia
Angeline left the office at nine pm, once again the last to go home. On the bus stop, she pressed her temples with two fingers and squeezed her eyes, trying to physically reach the headache storming her mind.
She stood alone on a deserted street, lampposts shining above her with a bright white that didn’t convince her senses. Night covered the world and she still had a long way to go before getting home. A silent man approached her, hooded, coming from the shadows, siding the buildings’ walls. Colin flinched, ready to strike him, but the man waited at the stop with Angeline, looking ahead, avoiding her.
The elevator frightened her, when she arrived home. It climbed with a few bangs, its light switched off for one second. An electrical malfunction, an act of sabotage, it could be anything in her troubled mind, and she stepped out of it without looking back.
She opened the door to her bedsit and smelled good food. The neighbor should have cooked something special, it seemed like meat with a sauce she couldn’t recognize. How cruel to get home after a heavy day, hungry and tired, having nothing to eat, and face such a treat next door.
“You didn’t come back,” Colin said, noticing Dalana at the bedroom’s corner.
“I trusted you wouldn’t mind. You were so focused on her, that I thought it wouldn’t be bad if I waited for you here instead. I set the house in order for us,” Dalana said, keeping her distance.
“You did? How so?”
“In the oven. She’ll find something to eat in there. I know she wants it, it’s all over her face.”
Angeline followed the smell, and it seemed to come from her own apartment. A thick cloud of a delicious scent took her to the oven, where an orange mass of oily skin glowed behind the glass. It radiated heat, a tasty warmth striking at her covered body, food just made and ready for a banquet.
She jumped, scared, and looked around, opening the bathroom to look for invaders. Nothing. Nobody besides her showed up in the bedsit. Maybe they’d entered in her absence, she’d better make sure she had locked the door. She had, locking also the upper keyhole.
“A good mystery is always good for human minds.” Dalana smiled at Angeline’s discomfort.
“She’ll think someone broke into this place and feel threatened. You shouldn’t—” Colin began to say.
“Someone did come here, and this person cooked for her. She’ll find more of it in the fridge, lots of deserts. This person was trying to be nice, she’ll recognize this.” Dalana gave him a couple of exaggerated nods.
“Ok, maybe you’re right... Or maybe not. It’s strange. It doesn’t avoid the feeling of violation, no matter how good the outcome.” Colin crossed his arms.
“Yeah, that’s what you get from a world where people are in so much need all the time. Angeline herself will teach you otherwise.”
She opened the hot oven and removed the tray with a special glove. Confronted with the mysterious food, she touched it with a fork, she sliced a bit of meat and tasted it. Good, soft, spicy. Delicious flavors for a tired mind.
Around her, the room stayed empty, the street far below emitted no sound. She owned the house, that place which greeted her like her parents would, had she let them know of her current needs. Perhaps, she should warn them, yes, so that anybody could care for her in such a lonely night. Angeline served herself with half the chicken fillets and potatoes, sitting on the table by herself.
As usual, she turned her laptop on to watch the episode of a series, distressed by the silence of her loneliness. Inhabitants of an advanced tech planet discussing a new incursion in the medieval reality of its twin planet without causing harm. The fourth episode, interesting enough and very well produced, but the taste in her mouth ruined everything, for it sucked the moment for itself, it made experience worthy of concentration. She ate simple chicken, it seemed common enough, and yet, what a delight.
She ate it all and went to the fridge to see how much space she had to store the leftovers. Deserts of all kinds occupied the formerly empty shelves, puddings, jelly, mousses, chocolate, making company to the things she had stored earlier.
“I wish I could be here with her in flesh and bones.” Colin approached Angeline's face, staring at her rebel hair strands.
“If you wish for it, watch out, it might materialize as a clone.” Dalana grounded both feet, hands in her front pocket.
“Don’t worry, I won’t do that, I’m already dead in this world. It’s just that... That I wish I was the one to have done these pleasant things to her. Greeting her home with good stuff, you know?” He took a quick peek at the fridge.
“I know. You can still do it. She’s had a couple of rough days, she deserves a break from your world.”
“My world is good too. She’s planting the seeds to future joys. But thanks for the special care you dedicated to her. It was nice.”
The weight in Angeline’s eyes disappeared after a shower. Water flowed in the perfect flux and temperature, another gift of Dalana’s Utopian house. She got dressed in the bedroom while Colin and Dalana waited outside the bedsit. Then she yelled dry and shook the whole pavement with heavy steps, fleeing from something.
“She’s in panic! What have you done to her?” Colin said, speeding up to enter the apartment, watching Angeline walk in circles by the bed's side.
“Only good things, don’t worry, she’ll calm down like she did with the food, then she’ll smile even more,” Dalana said, bold, confident, glad to have acted the way she did.
“There’s a limit, ok, for what we can take at once! What’s it in her hand, she’s going too fast and I can’t see it well. It’s paper. Did you write her a message?” Colin stopped, narrowing his brows.
“Not yet. Look again, it’s easy to recognize. Green, rectangular, with numbers and the face of important people printed on it. A big source of your happiness.” She spoke between smiles.
“Oh, it’s money. I see, it’s a lot of it. Why did you do this? She probably thinks it’s stolen money. How will she sleep now with this in her mind?” Colin looked down, opening his arms sideways.
“She’ll sleep knowing that she’s got one month’s worth of boring work in her hands. Let her do what she wants with it.”
Angeline halted at the small window. She counted the money, bill by bill, gazing at the street below, preparing to throw it outside to get rid of trouble. When the amount cashed in her mind, she nodded and left the window, all notes packed in her hand.
Her on-line extract showed the wage entered her account on the correct day. In front of the computer, Angeline nodded, putting the money on the table, trying to make sense of it. Was it Mr. Alden’s doing? Maybe he
decided to pay her in an unusual way. She’d ask him the next day. Better sleep before she found any more weird things.
“Is peace important, Colin?” Dalana said, heading toward the window.
“Well, yes, of course, sometimes it’s the most important thing.” He joined her at the view. With Angeline asleep, they had the whole night to talk.
“Only sometimes? When is it not important?”
“That’s a tricky question. I answered in vague terms because I know absolute peace can be too boring for us. What is life without conflict, you know?”
“Is peace the absence of conflict, then? Is conflict war?”
“No, no, I think you’re getting it wrong. War is bad, it’s always bad when people die. Conflict is what makes us grow. If we’re never challenged, how can we find other things to do, or innovative ways to do what we already like to do?”
“Do you consider yourself a better person since the end of your world? I mean, do you think you changed since then?”
“Well, I guess so. It’s hard to stay the same under these circumstances, you know, I’m not mortal anymore, it’s got to have an effect,” Colin said, his skin reflecting the col.loc’s glow in the sky.
“That’s right, you don’t risk starvation anymore, you have nothing to fear, you don’t even need to rest. Despite all this, you still manage to go through conflict and grow. That’s telling us something, don’t you think?”
“Only because I want my world back and you guys keep pushing me away from it. That’s the conflict, a very mortal legacy. When I’m done with it, I’ll join the rest of Creators in your paralysis.”
“Paralysis? Do you think we’re all stuck in ourselves, never changing?”
“It seems so. You, for example, you’re always creating the same worlds, aren’t you?”
“Not to me. To me, they were all different, each had its charm. I wish you could have seen it, any of them. My peoples existed to care only for the most important things,” Dalana said, her black skin a shadow in the dark room, her yellow dress the best guidance to Colin’s gaze.
