by Lexi Blake
“Because you can’t control it.” Julian was used to being in control.
Finn was grinning as he looked up at his Dom. “I’m enjoying our vacation, Master.”
Julian’s lips tugged up in an intimate smile. “I’m sure you are, Finn. Don’t get used to it. We’ll be back in Dallas soon, and I’ll be in control again.”
The dark-haired man sighed, and there was no way to not notice how his cock twitched. But then, Finn was used to being naked at The Club. “I look forward to it. I’ll find you a beer. Preferably something imported. Be back soon.”
“And put on more sunscreen, pet!” Julian watched as Finn walked away. “He burns fairly easily, but I couldn’t convince him to not join the locals.”
“Convince? I didn’t think you convinced your submissives of anything. I thought you simply told them what to do.”
Julian snorted lightly. Somehow he turned it into an elegant sound. “I thought you had been around long enough to know that complete control never works. I suppose it might for some, but I must confess I would find that perfectly dull. It was exactly what was wrong with my life before I met my Danielle and my Finn. I preferred to maintain perfect control because I didn’t love anyone enough to be bothered with their pesky human flaws. That’s not entirely true. I maintained a few friendships that didn’t always go my way.”
“Jack Barnes?”
“Yes,” Julian admitted. “I was rather upset when he left The Club and took Samuel with him. I liked having them around. And Leo was always obnoxious, but I found his company oddly soothing. Now I am laid back. I have to be or I would kill Chase on a regular basis. Though I do think about it. I can’t now. My security firm swears they can’t replace him, and he has a wife. For some reason, Natalie loves him.”
Stef wouldn’t exactly call Julian laid back, though he was certainly calmer than he used to be. “I heard you had a hand in that.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
From what Stef understood, Julian also had a hand in the wedding that was taking place tomorrow afternoon, but apparently he didn’t want to admit to playing matchmaker. And an admission of meddling wasn’t what Stef was looking for anyway. “So how’s fatherhood treating you?”
“Ah, I wondered when you would go there.” A smug satisfaction took over Julian’s expression. “What happened with Jennifer?”
Damn. Julian never liked to play all the polite games that might have spared Stef the embarrassment of admitting he had no fucking clue what he was doing. “We had a scare a couple of months back. She was bleeding.”
Spotting is what Caleb had called it, but it was bleeding in Stef’s head. Sometimes he had nightmares that she bled and he couldn’t stop it.
Julian nodded as though he’d expected something like that. “It’s a terrifying position to be in, I’m sure. Pregnancy is not something any Dom is going to handle well because of the absolute loss of control. It would be easier if we were the ones to deal with the pain that comes with it. Watching our submissives struggle is difficult when we can do nothing to ease them. Danielle had morning sickness in the beginning. Terrible nausea. It was hard for me to watch her go through that. I couldn’t control the situation. She would be so sick and I couldn’t help her. I definitely remember that feeling. I do not like being helpless.”
Jennifer had been pretty healthy through her pregnancy, but the one time she hadn’t been still haunted him. “I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the delivery room. I won’t be in control of anything.”
He couldn’t stand the thought. Other people would control her fate, make decisions about her care.
“No, you won’t. It’s hard, but that is your submissive’s burden to bear, unfortunately. Danielle wouldn’t scream. She didn’t want to scare me. She tried to pretend it didn’t hurt, that she could take the pain. She fought me on the epidural and then she begged me for one. I was happy to drug her up. I rather thought about taking one myself. I swear, that was the longest day of my life. And then I saw my Chloe and I fell in love. But it was weeks before I felt settled again.”
Stef stared up at the perfect sky. There wasn’t a cloud marring the glorious blue. “Then why do we do it? God, I’ve been asking myself what I was thinking. Our life was good. Why are we messing it all up?”
Julian chuckled. “Because I believe our submissives would insist on it. I will admit, I wasn’t excited at the prospect of change. There was a part of me that wondered if I would even be capable as a father, but this is something that no one can prepare you for. There is no book you can read or friend you can talk to that will make you ready for the moment when they place a seven-pound bundle of humanity in your arms and tell you to take care of it. If you think you feel out of control now, wait until that happens.”
“It’s going to change everything.” He wasn’t ready for it.
Julian put a hand on his shoulder. “Yes. Your son will change everything and there will be days when you wonder why you didn’t simply remain the same. But I’ve discovered something. My life would have been incomplete without Chloe. And when the time comes, and I know it will, I will grit my teeth and go through it all again.”
Stef looked at Julian. “Are you kidding me? You would give up control again?”
“Life is about more than control. If you try to tell my wife I said that I will deny it, and I am an excellent liar. The best things that ever happened to me happened when I gave in to what life offered me. You can cocoon yourself and pray that nothing bad happens. You can mitigate the risks. You can hold on with both hands, and things will still go wrong. And then you’ll never learn the true joy of having a child.”
“And what’s that? Because I’m not seeing it.”
A sympathetic look crossed Julian’s face. “Like I said, I can tell you, but you won’t understand now. The real joy of having children is seeing the world through their eyes. I’ve done almost everything deviant a human being can do, but I feel clean when I look in my daughter’s eyes. The world is fresh again.”
Stef couldn’t see it. Julian was right about that. “I still don’t think it’s worth risking my wife’s life over.”
“But she does. You’ll find your wife becomes a tiger when it comes to her child. If I’d had things my way, Danielle would never have discovered that piece of herself. Finn wouldn’t have had this experience. I wouldn’t have grown. We would have gone through our days, but for us, something would have been missing. Jennifer could die on you in a hundred different ways. Are you willing to give up everything you could have with her today because you’re frightened that it could be gone tomorrow?”
Stef took a long breath. Was that what he was doing?
“It’s funny,” Julian continued. “I think about my parents a lot these days. They died when I was very young. I wonder if they regretted that much of their married life was spent taking care of me rather than enjoying each other. I wonder if they were happy to go together.”
Stef knew far too much about his parents’ bad marriage. “And what did you decide?”
A peaceful smile lit Julian’s lips. “Oh, I know that they would have fought to stay with me. My parents loved each other, but they would have wanted one of them to stay with me. They would have sacrificed if the opportunity had been there. I’m a grown man, and yet something settled inside me when I realized that. Our childhood can seem far away, but it is always bubbling under the surface.”
His father had left. He’d thought he was doing the right thing. And Stef wouldn’t have left Bliss, but now he wondered if he was simply waiting for something bad to happen. He was happy. He loved his wife. Why was he waiting for the other shoe to drop?
“Master? I managed to find some Scotch.” Finn had a softness to his eyes that made Stef wonder how much he’d overheard. “And I also found some sunscreen.”
Julian took the drink. “Excellent. I’ll help you with the sunscreen. We’ll be back in a bit. And Stefan, you should talk to your wife. We Doms fo
rget that our subs can hold our hands, too.”
Julian stepped away with his sub, a hand on Finn’s shoulder.
He was restless, anxious. He hated the feeling. And now he had to wonder if he was being fair to Jennifer. She was carrying his child and he was pulling away from her. Oh, sure he took care of her, but was he giving her what she truly needed? He wasn’t in the moment with her. He hadn’t been able to take joy in feeling the baby kick. He certainly hadn’t enjoyed these last few months with her.
She’d asked him in a hundred different ways to make love to her, but he was afraid.
Was he going to be this weak every time something went wrong?
“Talbot! You son of a bitch!”
Stef looked up and Max Harper was stalking across the lawn, his shoulders set in an angry line. Rye was walking beside him, his face every bit as stern.
What the fuck had he done now? Max hadn’t thrown down with him in almost a year. And Rye never joined in their fights. Rye always talked about how stupid they were.
His hands squeezed into nice fists. Yeah, it had been a long time since he’d had a little exercise. Maybe thrashing Max would clear his head. Pounding him into the ground would feel damn good.
“Don’t you think for a second that you being nekkid is going to stop me! I ain’t afraid of your junk.” Max was in his normal boots and jeans. It put him at an advantage.
“I am afraid of your junk,” Rye declared. “No one warned me there would be man junk swinging in my face. There is only so much I’m willing to do for a friend.”
Stef ignored Rye. Max was the dangerous one. “What is your problem, you freak?”
“You know exactly what my problem is!”
Max had been one of Stef’s closest friends for over twenty years, and for as long as he could remember, they had beaten the crap out of each other every so often. Though most people believed it was due to Max’s insanity, Stef knew the truth. He’d needed it for a long time. He’d been so shut off that he’d required the twice a year throw downs with Max as a release valve.
But he wasn’t like that anymore. He was an adult with a baby on the way. He couldn’t fist fight his best friend. He forced himself to relax. “Max, come on, man. We’re not going to do this here. I am not going to fight you while I’m naked.”
Max was a mean shit. God only knew what he would do. Stef wouldn’t put it past Max to use his junk against him.
Max stopped in the middle of everything. He frowned as though that was the last thing he’d expected to hear. “But you’ve been itching for a fight.”
He had. He’d actually kind of been baiting Max for a month. It was stupid and childish, but he relied on those damn fights.
And he had to stop because he was going to be a dad. Max already was a dad. Like it or not, understand it or not, his world was changing and he had to change with it. And that meant no more throw downs with Max Harper.
Who should really be more of a damn grown-up. His second kid was on the way.
“We’re not twelve anymore.”
Max’s eyes rolled. “Obviously.”
“We have to start acting like responsible adults at some point in time.”
“Says the man who’s standing around nekkid.”
Stef gritted his teeth and forced himself to respond. “It’s a naturists’ resort, asshole. Now tell me what imaginary shit you’ve come up with this time. And you, Rye? What the hell did I do to you?”
Rye and Max exchanged a long glance, the anger in Max deflating at once.
“I thought you had a reason,” Max said.
Rye shook his head. “No, I thought you did.”
Max threw up his hands. “Rye, you’re the brains of this operation. I’m the pretty one. I was supposed to beat the shit out of Stef and you were supposed to come up with a good reason why. What are you here for anyway? What are we going to do now? Jen is going to be pissed.”
“Jen?” What the hell did his wife have to do with any of this? His wife usually rolled her eyes when he fought with Max.
“Max, you dumbass.” Rye whistled, a high sound he usually used on horses, but it wasn’t a horse who showed up this time.
Caleb Burke and Alexei Markov showed up. Caleb was carrying his tranquilizer gun.
Stef took a step back. “Caleb, now you put that shit away. You are only supposed to use that when Mel goes insane.”
Caleb sighed. “I switched to the low dose. Don’t be a baby.”
Had he stepped into a bad dream? “What the fuck is wrong with you? I swear to god if you shoot me with that thing, I’m going to sue your ass.”
Caleb’s eyes rolled. “No, you won’t. That’s the great thing about being the only doctor for forty miles. ’Night-night, Stef.”
And the son of a bitch shot him. The tranq dart went right into his upper thigh, and Stef went down, his backside hitting the grass. Fuck. His head was already swimming.
Max’s face stared at him. “It’s going to be okay, buddy. And actually, I want to thank you for being naked. It makes things so much easier. Alexei, get his legs. And watch out for his junk. I think the client is interested in it.”
Caleb stepped up. “Hey, as your doctor and your wife’s doctor, I’m totally giving you permission to have sex when you wake up. Go for it, man. Jen’s perfectly healthy. Hell, she’s ready to pop. A little sex might get the process started.”
He hated Caleb. Why had he ever thought bringing a doctor into town was a good idea?
As his peripheral vision started to fade, he realized something.
Responsible adult or not, he was going to kick Max’s ass. He might kick all their asses. Some things could never, ever change.
Olivia’s Note
Chapter Ten
Leo, Shelley, and Wolf
Shelley McNamara looked down at her watch. All around her the bridal shower was moving forward, but all she could think about was the fact that in roughly twenty-four hours she wouldn’t be Shelley McNamara anymore. She would be Shelley Meyer, and she intended to die as Shelley Meyer. She’d been married once before to a complete douche lord, but this time was different. This time she was madly in love.
However, the course of true love didn’t always run smoothly. Sometimes it was blown wildly off course by a crazy person with a deep love of beets.
Cassidy Meyer was a sweet woman in her sixties. She’d welcomed Shelley with open arms and then she’d used one of those arms to try to shove a beet down her throat.
“Oh, no.” Beth was staring across the lawn. “I don’t know exactly what’s happening with my brother-in-law and his subs, but it’s not good.”
Shelley looked over in time to see Lexi O’Malley wiping tears away as she talked on the phone and Lucas and Aidan walked away. They were likely heading out to the men’s gathering, which looked to be much weirder than the gorgeous garden party Jennifer Talbot was throwing her.
Shelley watched Lucas and Aidan walk away with a heavy heart. She’d known Aidan for a long time, and Lucas and Lexi for several years. She’d watched as they had stood together even when the town they lived in disapproved of their lifestyle. They’d been so close.
The way she was close to Leo and Wolf.
“She’s working too much,” Beth said with a frown. “But she’s convinced if she slows down she’ll kill her career.”
“It’s hard to give up momentum.” Shelley should know. “If Lexi’s business is anything like mine, then the more work you get out there, the better your profits are. The design business is almost entirely word of mouth. The more clients I have, the more they multiply. You work for years and then realize that there’s just more work ahead of you. And it has to be worse for Lexi.”
“How?” Beth asked.
“Have you forgotten how precarious ranching is? I would be shocked if they’ve turned a profit yet. I know Lucas makes good money, but it’s nothing compared to Lexi. Think about it. Lucas gets paid a salary. He knows what he’ll make any given year. Lexi’s income is o
nly limited by how many books she sells. It’s a siren song. The more books she sells, the more opportunity for her family. She can give Aidan’s ranch a real shot. She can subsidize it until it’s profitable. I grew up on a ranch. There were years when my momma had no idea if we would have a place to live the next spring.”
Beth winced. “I don’t think he’s letting her put money into the ranch.”
That couldn’t be easy for any of them. “Then he’s letting his pride get in the way. That ranch is Lexi’s home, too. She’s got to be scared because a ranch can go belly up any time.”
“It’s not so bad,” Beth said with a sigh.
Shelley shook her head. “Oh, don’t try to equate your experience. The Circle G was making a comeback when Trev bought in. Aidan’s ranch was broke because Bo got all the money.” Aidan and Bo’s father was a bastard. He’d given Aidan the land, but no money to keep it up, and Bo all the money and no land to invest in. And they had been too stubborn to see the obvious solution. It had worked out for the best because Bo had found Beth and Trev and moved to the Circle G, while Aidan was happier on his own.
But how much stress had it caused Lexi? She had two kids.
Beth took a sip of her lemonade. “I guess I didn’t think of it that way. There are always two sides. I can’t stand the thought of them being unhappy.”
Shelley hated it, too. “Does the whole Dom thing change when you have kids?”
Beth looked thoughtful. “A little, I guess. Why?”
“Because if I was working too much, Leo would put me over his lap before I could breathe.” And that was pretty much how she liked it.
She was too ambitious in some ways. She found it hard to turn down jobs even when she knew she couldn’t handle them. Leo had made it easy. She could do three jobs at once and if she took a fourth, she better be damn ready to give up a layer of skin. It had made it easy to find her balance.
Beth’s nose wrinkled sweetly. “Well, I guess it’s different. Kids complicate everything. It’s easy to follow your Dom’s orders when it’s just you, but when they place this baby in your hands, suddenly you’re not thinking about yourself. You have a whole different set of priorities, and don’t let anyone tell you that you can prepare for that. No childcare class is going to train you on how to handle it. You can feel the baby kick and know that you love her, and it doesn’t prep you for the utter realization that this baby is wholly dependent on you. You’ve brought a life into the world and you’re responsible, and no amount of a submissive nature can make you give up that responsibility. I love Trev, but I’m the alpha when it comes to that baby girl. I’m her momma. So yes, it changes. I can’t sit back and let Trev make the decisions, and neither can Bo. We have to decide together, and sometimes Trev has to give in. I expect it will get worse as she gets older, as we have another one eventually.”
