Eight
Once again Ruth and Paul spoke little on the ferry ride back to Seattle.
Ruth’s entire perspective on her grandmother had changed. Until now, she’d always viewed the petite, gentle woman as…well, her grandmother. All of a sudden Ruth was forced to realize that Helen had been young once, and deeply involved in events that had changed or destroyed many lives. She’d been an ordinary young woman from a fairly privileged background. She’d been a student, fallen in love, enjoyed a carefree existence. Then this ordinary young woman had been caught up in extraordinary circumstances—and risen to their demands.
Ruth was curious about the connection between her grandmother’s life during the war and her life afterward. Clearly the link was her grandfather, whom she’d never had a chance to know.
Paul stood with Ruth at the railing as the ferry glided through the relatively smooth waters of Puget Sound. The rain had stopped, and although the sky remained cloudy and gray, the air was fresh with only the slightest hint of brine.
“Every story I hear leaves me amazed that this incredible woman is my grandmother,” Ruth said fervently, grateful that Paul was beside her.
“I know. I’m overwhelmed, and I just met her.”
They exchanged tentative smiles, and then they both sighed in appreciation, Ruth thought, of everything Helen Shelton had been and done.
“I wish I’d known my grandfather,” she said. “He seems to have been the one who gave my grandmother a reason to live. He loved her and she loved him.” Ruth knew that from every word her grandmother and her dad had said about Sam Shelton.
“How old were you when he died?” Paul asked.
“Two or so.” She turned so she could look directly at Paul. “When I saw my grandmother in her bedroom, she said he was with a group of soldiers who freed the inmates in the concentration camp.”
“She was in a concentration camp?”
Ruth nodded. “She was there at least a couple of years.”
Paul frowned, obviously upset.
“I can’t bear to think what her life was like in one of those obscene places,” Ruth said.
“It would’ve been grim. You’re right—they were obscene. Places of death.”
Ruth didn’t welcome the reminder. “I’m so glad you’ve been with me on these visits,” she told him. Paul’s presence helped her assimilate the details her grandmother had shared. He’d given her a feeling of comfort and companionship as they’d listened to these painful wartime experiences. Ruth genuinely believed there was something about Paul that had led Helen to divulge her secrets.
After the ferry docked, Paul and Ruth walked along the Seattle waterfront, where they ate clam chowder, followed by fish and chips, for dinner. Their mood was somber, and yet, strangely, Ruth felt a sense of peace.
The next day, after her classes, she hurried back to her rental house and ran into Lynn. As much as possible, Ruth had avoided her roommate. Her relationship with Lynn had been awkward ever since the argument over Clay. Lynn’s lie, which she’d told in an effort to keep Ruth from meeting Paul, hadn’t helped.
Lynn was coming out just as Ruth leaped up the porch steps. Her roommate hesitated.
Ruth did, too. She’d never said anything to Lynn about her intentional mix-up that first night she was meeting Paul. Her classes would be over at the end of May and she was more than ready to move out.
“Hi,” Lynn offered uncertainly.
Ruth’s pace slowed as she waited, half expecting Lynn to make some derogatory remark about Paul. Because Ruth had been with him so often lately, she’d had very little contact with her roommate.
“Are you seeing Paul again?”
The question lacked the scornful tone she’d used when referring to him previously. She seemed more prompted by simple curiosity than anything else.
“We’re meeting some friends of his later. Why?” Ruth couldn’t help being suspicious. If he’d phoned with a change of plan, she needed to know about it. She knew from experience that Lynn couldn’t be trusted to relay the message.
Lynn shrugged. “No reason.”
“Is there something you aren’t telling me?” Ruth’s voice was calm.
Her roommate had the grace to blush. “He didn’t call, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Like I could believe you.”
“You can—okay, maybe what I did that night was pretty stupid.”
“Maybe?” Ruth echoed.
“All right, it was. I was upset because of Clay.” She didn’t meet Ruth’s eyes. “I thought Clay was really hot and you dumped him for soldier boy, and I thought that was just wrong.”
“I don’t need you to decide who I’m allowed to date.” Ruth couldn’t keep the anger out of her voice. What Lynn had tried to do still rankled. If her cell phone battery hadn’t been low, she and Paul might have missed each other completely. That thought sent chills down her spine.
Lynn released a long sigh. “I’ll admit it—you were right about Clay.”
“How so?”
“He’s…he’s stuck on himself.”
Ruth suspected that meant he wasn’t interested in Lynn.
“I…I like Paul,” her roommate confessed.
Ruth wasn’t even aware that Lynn had met him and said so.
“He stopped by one afternoon when he thought you were back from classes, only you weren’t and I was here. We talked for a bit. Then he left to look for you at the library.”
Funny that neither had mentioned the incident earlier. “I had the impression you were dead set against him.”
“Not him,” Lynn said. “I’m against the war in Iraq…. I thought you were, too.”
“I don’t like war of any kind. This war or any war. Still, the United States is involved in the Middle East, and no matter what, it’s our young men and women who are fighting there. Politics aside, I want to support our troops.”
“I know.” Lynn suddenly seemed to find something absolutely mesmerizing about her shoes.
Ruth moved past her on the porch. “I’d better go in and change.”
“Ruth,” Lynn said sharply. Ruth turned to face her. “I’m sorry about the other night. That really was an awful thing to do. I was upset and I took it out on you.”
Ruth had pretty much figured that out on her own. “Paul and I connected, so no harm done.”
“I know, and I’m glad you did because I think Paul is great. I know he’s a soldier and all, but he’s a nice guy. I only met him that one time, but I could see he’s ten times the man Clay will ever be. He’s the kind of guy I hope to meet.”
Paul had obviously impressed her during their brief exchange. She wondered what they’d talked about.
“All’s well that ends well,” Ruth said.
“Shakespeare, right?” Lynn asked. “In other words, all is forgiven?”
Ruth laughed and nodded, then started into the house.
Paul picked her up at five-thirty and they drove to a Mexican restaurant in downtown Kent. Paul had arranged for her to meet his best friend.
Carley and Brian Hart were high school sweethearts and Brian had known Paul for most of his life.
“We go way back,” Brian said when they were introduced. He slid out of the booth and they exchanged handshakes, with Paul standing just behind Ruth, his hand on her shoulder.
“I’m pleased to meet you both.” They were a handsome couple. Carley was a delicate blonde with soulful blue eyes, and her husband was tall and muscular, as if he routinely worked out.
“We’re pleased to meet you, too,” Carley said when Ruth slipped into the booth across from her.
Paul got in beside Ruth.
“I insisted Paul introduce us,” Carley said as she reached for a chip and dipped it in the salsa. “Every time we tried to get together during his leave, he already had plans with you.”
Ruth hadn’t thought of it that way, but realized she’d monopolized his time. “I guess I should apologize for that.”
; “We only have the two weeks,” Paul explained.
“You’ll be back in Seattle after the training, won’t you?” Brian asked.
“Maybe, but…” Paul hesitated and glanced at Ruth.
“We only just met and…” Ruth let the rest fade away. He would be back and they’d see each other again, but only if she could accept his career in the military.
This fourteen-day period was a testing time for them both, and at the end they had a decision to make.
“I’m giving Ruth two weeks to fall head over heels in love with me.” Paul said it as if it were a joke.
“If she doesn’t, there’s definitely something wrong with her,” Carley joked back.
Ruth smiled, but she felt her heart sinking. She hadn’t made her decision yet; the truth was, she’d been putting it off until the last possible minute.
Time was dwindling and soon, in a matter of days, Paul would be leaving again. She wasn’t ready—wasn’t ready to decide and wasn’t ready for him to go.
Brian and Carley had to be home before eight because of their babysitter, so they left the restaurant first.
Ruth had enjoyed the spicy enchiladas, the margarita and especially the teasing between Paul and Brian. Carley had told story after story of the two boys and their high-school exploits, and they’d all laughed and joked together.
Paul and Ruth lingered in the booth over cups of dark coffee, gazing into each other’s eyes. He’d switched places so he could sit across from her. If she’d met him under any other circumstance, there’d be no question about her feelings. None! It was so easy to fall in love with this man. In fact, it was already too late; even Paul’s mother had seen that. Ruth knew him. After all the letters and e-mails, all the conversations, she felt as if he’d become part of her life.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Paul said unexpectedly.
“What am I thinking?” she asked with amusement.
“You’re wondering why I find life in the military so attractive.”
She shrugged. “Close.”
“Do you want to know my answer?”
Ruth was already aware of his reasons, but decided to hear him out, anyway. “Sure, go ahead.”
“I like the structure, the discipline, the knowledge that I’m doing something positive to bring about freedom and democracy in the world.”
This was where it got troubling for Ruth.
Before she could state her own feelings, Paul stopped her. “I know you don’t agree with me, and I accept that, but I am who I am.”
“I didn’t challenge that—I wouldn’t.”
He stiffened, then reached for his coffee and held it at arm’s length, cupping his hands around the mug. “True enough, but the minute I started talking, you looked like you wanted to challenge my answer.”
She hadn’t known her feelings were that transparent.
“I guess now is as good a time as any to ask where I stand with you.”
“What do you mean?” An uneasy feeling began to creep up her spine. They had only a couple of days before he was scheduled to leave, and she was going to need every minute of that time to concentrate on this relationship.
“You know what I’m asking, Ruth.”
She did. She met his eyes. “I’m in love with you, Paul.”
“I’m in love with you, too.” He stretched his hand across the table and intertwined their fingers.
Her heart nearly sprang out of her chest with happiness and yet tears filled her eyes.
To her astonishment, Paul laughed. “This is supposed to be a happy moment,” he told her.
“I am happy, but I’m afraid, too.”
“Of what?”
“Of you leaving again. Of your involvement in the military. Of you fighting in a war, any war.”
“It’s what I do.”
“I know.” Still, she had a hard time reconciling her emotions and beliefs with the way Paul chose to make his living.
“But you don’t like it,” he said, his voice hard.
“No.”
He sighed harshly. “Then tell me where we go from here.”
Ruth wished she knew. “I can’t answer that.”
His eyes pleaded with her. “I can’t answer it for you, Ruth. You’re going to have to make up your mind about us.”
She’d known it would come down to this. “I’m not sure I can. Not yet.”
He considered her words. “When do you think you’ll be able to decide?”
“Let’s wait until you’ve finished your training and we see each other again…. We’ll both have a better idea then, don’t you think?”
“No. I might not be coming back to Seattle. I have to know soon. Now. Tonight.” He paused. “I sound unfair and pushy, and I apologize.”
“Apologize for what?” she asked. Her hand tightened around his fingers. Already she could feel him pulling away from her, if not physically, then emotionally.
“I’ve been trained to be decisive. Putting things off only leads to confusion. We’ve been writing for months.”
“Yes, I know, but—”
“We’ve spent every possible minute of my leave together.”
“Yes…”
“I love you, Ruth, but I won’t lie to you. I’m not leaving the marines. I’ve chosen the military as my career and that means I could be involved in conflicts all over the world. I have to know if you can accept that.”
“I…”
“If you can’t, we need to walk away from each other right now. I don’t want to drag this out. You decide.”
Ruth didn’t want a part-time husband. “I want a man who’ll be a husband to me and a father to my children. A man of peace, not war.” She didn’t mean to sound so adamant.
Paul didn’t respond for a long moment. “I think we have our answer.” He slid out of the booth and waited for her. They’d paid their tab earlier, so there was nothing to do but walk out the door to the parking lot.
Ruth wasn’t finished with the conversation, even if Paul was. “I need time,” she told him.
“The decision’s made.”
“You’re pressuring me,” she protested. “I’ve still got two days, remember?”
“It doesn’t work that way,” he said.
“But this isn’t fair!”
“I already admitted it wasn’t.” He opened the passenger door, and a moment later, he joined her in the car. “I wish now I’d waited and we still had those two days,” he said bleakly. “But we don’t.”
He started the car and Ruth noticed that his fingers had tensed on the steering wheel.
Ruth bit her lip. “Sure we do. Let’s just pretend we didn’t have this conversation and enjoy the time we have left. You can do that, can’t you?” Her voice took on a pleading quality.
“I wish I could, but…I can’t.” He inhaled deeply. “The decision is made.”
They didn’t have much to say during the rest of the ride to the university district. When Paul pulled up in front of the rental house, Ruth noticed the lights were on, which meant Lynn was home.
They sat side by side in the car without speaking until Paul roused himself to open the car door. He walked around to escort her from the passenger side. Silently he walked her to the porch.
Ruth half expected him to kiss her. He didn’t.
“Will I see you again?” she asked as he began to walk away.
He turned back and stood there, stiff and formal. “Probably not.”
“You mean this is it? This is goodbye…as if I meant nothing…as if we were strangers?” She felt outraged that he could just leave her like this, without a word. It was unkind and unfair…and life wasn’t that simple.
“Is there anything left to say?” he asked.
“Of course there is,” she cried. She didn’t know what, but surely there was something. Hurting and angry, Ruth gestured wildly with her arms. “You can’t be serious! Are you really going to walk away? Just like that?”
“Yes.” The word was devoi
d of emotion.
“You aren’t going to write me again?”
“No.”
This was unbelievable.
“Call me?”
“No.”
She glared at him. “In other words, you’re going to act as if you’d never even met me, as if I’d never mailed that Christmas card.”
A hint of a smile flickered over his tightly controlled features. “I’m certainly going to give it my best shot.”
“Fine, then,” she muttered. If he thought so little of her, then he could do as he wished. She didn’t want to be with a man who didn’t care about her feelings, just his own.
Nine
True to Paul’s word, Ruth didn’t hear from him after their Tuesday-night dinner with Carley and Brian. The first day, her anger carried her. Then she convinced herself that Paul would contact her before he left for Camp Pendleton. Not so. Paul Gordon—correction, Sergeant Paul Gordon, USMC, was out of her life and that was perfectly fine with her. Only it wasn’t.
A week later, as she sat in her “Theories of Learning” class, taking notes, her determination faltered. She wanted to push all thoughts of Paul out of her mind forever; instead, he was constantly there.
What upset her most was the cold-blooded way in which he’d dismissed her from his life. It seemed so easy for him, so…simple. She was gone for him, as if she meant nothing. That hurt, and it didn’t stop hurting.
Ruth blinked, forcing herself to listen to the lecture. If she flunked this class, Paul Gordon would be to blame.
After class she walked across campus, her steps slow and deliberate. She felt no urge to hurry. But when her cell phone rang, she nearly dropped her purse in her eagerness. Could it be Paul? Had he changed his mind? Had he found it impossible to forget her, the same way she had him? A dozen more questions flew through her mind before she managed to answer.
“Hello?” She realized she sounded excited and breathless at the same time.
“Ruth.” The familiar voice of a longtime friend, Lori Dupont, greeted her. They talked for a few minutes, and arranged to meet at the library at the end of the week. Four minutes after she’d answered her cell, it was back in her purse.
Hearts Divided Page 7
