“What in tarnation have you done with my aunt?” yelled a voice from Anyan’s driveway.
“Undefended,” Blondie finished, drily, just as Miss Carrol came swinging through the cabin’s front door.
“If you’ve hurt her, you tattooed hussy, you are going to see the back of my…” Miss Carrol’s words trailed off as her eyes took in the sight of Nell’s enormous bun attached to the baby in Iris’s arms.
“What in the Sam Hill is going on?” Miss Carrol demanded. “Why has that baby got my aunt’s hair? And why is Anyan licking himself in ways improper to either man or barghest?”
I sighed, looking over to find that Anyan was indeed getting frisky with himself. Again.
“Miss Carrol,” I said, trying to keep the immature gnome in check. “There’s been an accident, as you can see. Anyan and Nell were… what? Regressed?”
“Regressed?” Miss Carrol repeated.
“She’s a baby and he’s a dog,” Iris replied, helpfully.
“I can see that, sugar.” Miss Carrol’s voice dripped syrupy venom. “But how did this happen?”
“I’m sure you know Gus was attacked last night,” I explained. “We went to investigate this morning and found a hole underneath his boulder. In it was a cavern full of crystals. If you touched them the right way, they made this sigil thing pop up out of the ground.”
“But it was locked,” Iris added.
“Yeah, so Nell and Anyan threw all this power at it and… bam! One baby and one doggie, at your service,” I finished.
“Well, ain’t that a bitch,” Miss Carrol swore. “How are you gonna turn ’em back?”
Blondie sighed. “I have no idea. I’ve tried everything I know. I’ll send out some requests for help to see if anyone has ever seen anything like this before. But in the meantime, they’re just going to have to stay that way.”
“They can’t stay that way,” I said, my voice shrill.
We haven’t had sex yet! my libido keened, unable to believe the object of its affections had managed to give “doggie-style” a completely pejorative connotation.
“Well, they’re going to have to,” Blondie said, grimly. “Either we come up with something ourselves, or we learn something through figuring out what’s going on here in Rockabill. Maybe whatever is making these people talk is responsible for what happened to Nell and Anyan. We have to get to the bottom of everything.”
“Now,” I added, helpfully.
“Sugar, we need to have figured this here problem out about ten minutes ago,” Miss Carrol said, shaking her head.
“Mmm-hmmm,” Iris and I hummed, lured by the siren’s song of the immature gnome’s inexplicable Southern accent into thinking we, too, could sound like Miss Scarlett.
“You know what you need to do,” Blondie told Miss Carrol, her voice solemn. I looked between the two of them, not sure what was going on.
“I can’t,” Miss Carrol said, pleadingly. “It ain’t right. I can’t just take it from her.”
“I don’t think you have a choice,” was Blondie’s only reply.
Shit, I thought, finally realizing what was happening. Miss Carrol might have to take over Nell’s Territory.
And while that sounded like an ideal answer to our problems, it was anything but. For if Miss Carrol bonded with the land, it would be hers until something happened to rip it away from her. Usually, and except with the interference of ancient Alfar magics, that happened with death.
In other words, Miss Carrol couldn’t just bond with Nell’s land and then give it back to her when her aunt grew up or we reversed the curse. If Miss Carrol took Nell’s land, it was hers until she died. Leaving Nell with nothing.
“There has to be another way,” Trill said, panic edging her voice.
Blondie looked at the kelpie sympathetically, but her voice was steel. “Nell’s Territory is under attack and now it’s unprotected. The weaker creatures here,” she began, waving in Gus’s direction. The stone spirit had peanut butter slathered over most of his chin. “The weaker creatures here will be completely vulnerable without Nell’s protections. You’ve got to step in.”
Miss Carrol shook her head. “I can’t just take it from her like that. This is her home.”
“She might not live to remember how much she loves it if you don’t protect her,” Blondie said, her voice sharpening incrementally.
“Wait,” I said. “This isn’t fair to any of us, especially Nell. There has to be another way. What are the stages you go through to bond with the land, Miss Carrol? Or do you just… bond?”
“No, there are stages, sugar. It doesn’t happen all at once.”
“And are there stages where you can still withdraw?” I asked.
“Why sure. Up until you’re fully bonded, you can always opt out.”
Blondie looked at me, warningly. “Miss Carrol can start the process, Jane, but if she doesn’t finish it she’s not going to have any real power.”
“Okay. But what will she have?” Iris asked, equally eager to keep Nell’s territory free to be given back to her in the future.
“I’ll be like a… squatter. And like any squatter, that means I have some rights. I don’t own the place, but it’s sort of almost mine. And anyone looking at the Territory from afar might not realize it’s unoccupied.”
“Will that fool Phaedra?” I asked Blondie.
“I have no idea,” she said, clearly unhappy even to be talking this way. “It might. It might not. But if she has or does figure out that Nell’s out of the picture… we’re screwed.”
We all looked at each other and I suddenly really, really wanted Anyan. He was always the one who came in at such moments and told us all what to do. I hadn’t realized how much he was our leader until right then. Someone else was going to have to step up.
“Okay,” I said, before clearing my throat. “Here’s what we’ll do. For now, Miss Carrol will begin the process and… squat. The rest of us will take patrols, trying to make sure nothing happens in the Territory. If it does, we call for Blondie. Do you have a cell phone?” I asked the Original, who nodded. “Great. Hopefully no one will notice that Nell’s not actually appearing anywhere. In the meantime, we need to be ready to act if something gets too big. That means, Miss Carrol, you have to be ready to take that last step, if we need you to. We can’t risk everyone’s lives, including Nell’s, just to save her place here.” At that, Trill made a funny noise that I assumed was protesting my giving Miss Carrol such a command.
“And what will we do?” Iris asked. “Besides patrol?” Trill made another strange sound. Maybe she was crying. Or she was really pissed.
“We’ll work on changing these two back,” I said. “We’ll work on figuring out what the hell is going on in Rockabill. We’ll work on—”
At that, Trill stood up. I was expecting her to argue with me. But my friend’s flat-featured face was oddly empty, as if the proverbial lights were on but everyone had snuck out back to the shed.
“The Signs protect destruction!” a voice very unlike Trill’s boomed out from the kelpie’s body. “The Signs protect destruction! The Signs protect destruction! The Signs protect…”
We all looked at each other, totally freaked out. But just as the Original took a step toward Trill, the whole cabin shook as if a missile had hit it. We grabbed onto the furniture around us while the ground shook and Anyan began barking like he was being pestered by rabid groundhogs.
When the shaking stopped, we all looked around to make sure our friends were unhurt. And we were—the only damage to the cabin a few books fallen off shelves or paintings off walls. Trill, meanwhile, was still muttering “The Signs protect destruction,” but when Caleb went and shook her gently, she came back to herself.
But Miss Carrol looked spooked. She was obviously afraid this meant an attack that would force her to bond with Nell’s Territory. And as I looked around, relief turned to fear on all my friends’ faces. None of us wanted to be a party to stealing Nell’s home.
> All of us except for Anyan, of course.
He was chewing on one of his own paws.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Yeah, Jane. I’m sure you do want to talk, and we definitely have a lot of catching up to do. But now?” Blondie asked. I squinted at her, the low-lying light of the late-afternoon sun right in my eyes.
“Yes, now. It’ll take five minutes,” I answered, using my Resolved Voice.
“Um, sure. Fine.” Blondie peered around, as if to verify our privacy. Trill was inside, making Nell a bottle from supplies Amy had run over just a few minutes ago on her break from the Trough. When Amy left, she’d taken Gus with her into town so he could work his shift at McKinley’s. In the driveway, Anyan danced around Iris and Caleb, who were trying to load the big dog into Caleb’s SUV. Anyan was having none of it.
That left Blondie and me on the big wraparound porch, in relative seclusion.
“So what’s up?” she asked.
I thought about how to approach my questions, and then decided that diving right in was the way to go.
“I know I owe you my life. Everyone’s told me that, about a million times. But why should I trust you?”
The Original blinked at me. “Don’t beat around the bush, babydoll,” she said.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I probably seem ungrateful. But everyone else has had a month to get to talk to you, to get to know you. Last thing I remember, you were a mystery to us. Now everyone’s best friends, but I need to know why.”
“Can’t the fact that your friends trust me be enough?” she asked.
“Frankly, no. After all,” I replied, “they needed you to keep me alive. That was a need you could take advantage of… either through magic or through good, old-fashioned manipulation.”
Instead of looking offended, Blondie grinned.
“That’s a solidly distrusting attitude to have, babydoll. You’re learning. How about we start from the beginning?”
“From the beginning?” I asked, unsure of her meaning.
“Yep,” she said, sticking out her hand for me to shake. “Nice to meet you. I’m—” and here, she said that totally unpronounceable string of bendy sounds, grunts, and clicks.
I blinked at her and then took her hand and said hello before trying my damndest to imitate that string of noises she’d just made.
Blondie made a face, before repeating her name.
I tried again. Her grimace deepened.
“That’s terrible. You have a tin ear. How about a nickname?” she asked.
I nodded, knowing it would take me a good year, at least, to pronounce her true name.
“Sometimes my friends call me—” she started, and then, I swear to the gods, she said what could only be spelled “Xctvbivobi.” I stared at her for a second, before giving her name the old college try.
“Yeesh,” was her only response. “That’s even worse. Can you do Cviciaoozozo?”
I tried. I failed.
“You’ve lived a long time,” I pleaded. “You have to have had human names. Can’t we use one of those?”
Blondie frowned. “Those names are my history, and they’re dead and buried. Plus, some of them are still on various wanted lists.”
I responded by tentatively trying her real name one more time.
She made a cat’s-anus face.
“Tell you what,” she said. “What would you like to call me?”
I shifted on my feet. “I sort of had a nickname for you before.”
“Great,” she said. “What is it? As long as it’s not Bitch-Faced Monster, we can roll with it.”
“Um,” I said. “I called you Blondie.”
Blondie grinned. “That’s perfect. I fucking love Blondie. That bitch can party.”
I sighed, thinking of Amy. “So I’ve heard,” I said.
“Blondie it is. At least until I can get that tongue of yours whipped into shape,” the Original said, giving me a bawdy wink and taking a step toward me.
I blushed, feeling a little twinge of heat in my belly. The fact is, the Original was not only super hot, but she had that Tilda Swinton, David Bowie, or TAFKAP style androgynous pansexuality. The kind where everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, kinda wanted to boff them.
But you’re smitten with a dog, I reminded myself, turning away from Blondie to watch as Anyan barked, did that doggie-playful-bow thing—with his ass in the air and his tail wagging—and then raced away just as Caleb and Iris got close enough to grab him.
“Well, Blondie,” I said, turning back to the Original. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Jane.”
We shook hands, pseudo-solemnly.
“So, now that we’ve been introduced, what do you want to know?” she asked.
“I was told you were here because you’re searching for something in Rockabill. Some kind of power. And it’s hidden away, according to a nursery rhyme, and protected by four locks.”
Blondie nodded as I spoke.
“So,” I continued. “You followed Anyan and me around the country, instead of coming straight here and dealing with Nell. You say you did that because you wanted to see what we were like, but you never approached us, just followed us. And then we get attacked, but you’re right there to ‘help out.’ Can you see why I’m a little suspicious?”
Blondie sighed. “Yes, I can. And to be frank, I haven’t been completely honest.”
I stiffened, unsure of where this was going to go. If Blondie decided to admit to being allied with Jarl and his cronies, we were fucked, what with Nell and Anyan out for the count.
“Don’t get all uptight,” the Original chided. “I’m not a bad guy. I just know a little more than I told the others.”
I frowned and she shook her head.
“They weren’t secrets you had to know, and you’ll understand why I had to keep them if you’ll just let me finish.” When I stayed quiet, clearly indicating she should talk, she continued.
“The fact is, there’s more to the nursery rhyme than most people know. I’ve found the original version, which is more of a harsh warning than a nursery rhyme. It’s written in ancient Alfar, so there are only a handful of people around today who can read it.
“It says the same stuff as our nursery rhyme version, about something ancient being locked away. But it goes on to talk about how the creature—and this version specifies that it’s a creature—will not only destroy a lot of stuff upon waking, but that it also has the power to create for itself a champion.”
“A champion?” I questioned.
“Yep. It has the power to gift its own strength to someone. Anyway, there are a number of things we don’t know, but we know the creature has the power to give power—and that’s power that a lot of people want.”
“But if not many people can read ancient Alfar—” I began.
“Unfortunately,” she interrupted, “ ‘not many’ does not mean ‘only me.’ The bad guys know everything I do.”
“And who, exactly, are the bad guys?” I asked, remembering Nell’s fear that this problem wasn’t just national but international.
“People just like Jarl, all over the world. It’s the same war that we’ve fought a million times, or so it feels like.”
“Those who want to live with humans versus those who want to subjugate them?”
“It’s more than that,” Blondie replied, raising her tight white wifebeater just enough to scratch lazily at the piercing in her belly button. “It’s about how we live. One side wants strict hierarchies—strict laws about who can and cannot lead, and how we live our lives. The other understands the idea of choices, and how we must be free to make them. Part of that is how we live with humans. Some of us want no contact, and for humans to be, basically, our slaves. Others understand we need humans… that we’d be lost without them.”
“Okay,” I said, remembering to focus on my original questions and not go off in a tangent that could be Blondie-induced. “So why were you following Anyan and me, instead of working with Nell
to get access to the Territory to find the creature?”
Blondie pursed her lips, obviously gathering her thoughts.
“I really did need an invite into the Territory. Nell isn’t trusting, especially of someone with my powers.”
“And?” I prompted, knowing there was more.
“And,” she said, slowly and carefully, “I was interested in the two of you.”
I frowned. Why would she be interested in me and Anyan? Anyan was the only one worth following… And then it all fell into place.
“You think Anyan could be the champion,” I stated, knowing I had to be right. It made sense: Why else would someone like Anyan feel he needed to make a home here? Maybe he was called by the power. And who better to take on some mysterious championship (if that’s what it was called) than someone who was already a badass?
Blondie was watching me with a furrowed brow, which smoothed out as I talked. Undoubtedly, she was relieved that I had guessed her secret.
“Well, let’s say I thought Anyan was the champion,” she intoned, nodding her head toward where both Caleb and Iris were still trying to shove Anyan’s recalcitrant ass into the back of the SUV.
“Oh,” I said, realizing what she was saying. “Doggies don’t make good champions?”
“No,” she replied, drily.
“Do you really think we’ll be able to change them back?” I asked, worry cutting through my other Blondie-related anxieties.
“I know we will,” she answered. “We just have to find those locks. With the power the creature contains, we can fix both Nell and Anyan.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Positive. But we have to go. As soon as we check out whatever that explosion was, we’ll head straight over to Gus’s rock.”
I nodded, and then had a thought.
“Why can’t you be the champion?” I asked.
She was about to answer when she stopped and got a funny, faraway expression on her face.
“Well,” Blondie agreed, eventually. “Both Nell and Anyan are out of the picture.”
“It makes sense. You have the most power. And you were drawn to Rockabill, like everyone else.”
Eye of the Tempest (Jane True) Page 12
