I’ve been spinning ever since I awoke to discover Jack announcing mysteriously from my doorstep that I’d be hearing from his lawyer. I’ve been caught in a tornado of insecurity and excitement, ego and pride, freedom and fear. And underneath those, I’ve been trying to fit in just like I promised myself I wouldn’t. I’ve been reaching beyond my own truth in a vain attempt to become an idea.
I’ve been trying to be like them. But I’m not like them. I’m nothing. And now the whole world knows it.
My lungs hurt, but I ignore them, and lose myself in the distraction of the sun’s kaleidoscope of refracted light throughout the water. It’s so beautiful, peaceful and otherworldly. It beckons me to stay. I watch it and feel peaceful for the first time since I heard the news. The feeling is so longed for that I don’t even know what I’m doing when I open my mouth and let a little water in. In the far reaches of my mind, I know it’s not air, but it feels better than the air I’ve been breathing. The dull echo of sounds begins to be replaced by the sweet lullaby of my slowing heart as I drink more.
Images from my life float by, my mind growing sleepy as I watch them. Sean and I dancing by ourselves at Space Ibiza and him doing the robot, making me cramp up from laughing. My mother taking a bite of my peanut butter toast so big that it was almost gone, and then laughing with her mouth full as I protested. My audition for The Lion King Musical where I was covered in sweat and happiness as we went over the routines again and again. Jenna and my hands held together as we rode across the Brooklyn Bridge. Her running into my room at age twelve, screaming that she’d finally kissed Trathen Heckman. Alec pulling me into the elevator and kissing me so hard my teeth nearly cut my lips. The noise at the airport making him have to yell his declaration that I wasn’t alone.
I’m not alone. Not alone… not alone…
I try to open my eyelids but I can’t. I gasp for air, but there is no air down here and gasping only makes that painfully clear. The water has become so heavy. My limbs won’t move; throat and body are numb. There is no more anything. No more pain. No more chances. No more love.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Jack
“Such a drama queen,” I mutter under my breath as Rue runs to the pool.
Jenna snaps, “You bring it out in her, Jack.”
I swivel my torso to look at the dancer and give an appreciative glance to her cleavage. “That’s the first time you’ve lost your temper with me.”
She narrows her almond-shaped eyes. “No. It’s the first time you’ve noticed.”
I feign a smile. “Fair enough.”
Picking up the copy of People, I feel something I’m not accustomed to feeling: regret. I knew what I was doing when I called those reporters with my anonymous tip. I gave them all of our intimate details on purpose to fuck with Rue. It was my intention to give her the foulest and most bitter taste of fame I possibly could, a concentrated dose of what Sean and I have endured our whole lives. I wanted to make her pay for my dad caring about her so much that he stowed money away for her well being; never bothering to tell us, the ones who loved him.
When my father committed suicide, I was devastated. I understood the desire on a personal level, but that he went through with it almost killed me, too. Losing a parent before you’re ready, with no warning and no goodbye… no one prepares you for it. It would be insane to think that they could. The foundation that had always been under every action I’d ever taken to impress him was ripped out from under me. There was no one to impress anymore. He was my father. I was his son. For men, this bond is all encompassing.
He cared for Rue. That’s clear. And I hate that. But who did I let myself become, in response? When I called those reporters, it never occurred to me that my family would be hurt by my actions. The media rakes us over the coals as it is; to give them gasoline was stupid. I wasn’t thinking about my mom, Sean, or me. And seeing Rue’s face just now, how it paled–it took the fun out of all of this. The victory was hollow. She didn’t fight back this time. I really hurt her and though I thought that’s what I wanted to do, it didn’t feel good.
My chest is aching and I don’t know why.
Ignoring it, I throw the magazine on the chair. “The drama’s in her already. It’s not my fault I bring it out.”
“Jack!” Jenna groans, irritated. “You know, I used to like you. Before I got to know you, that is. Why don’t you give Rue a break? She needs you guys. Didn’t you ever stop to think that you’re all she has?”
Feeling the sting, I swallow, but lean on my anger for support. “She’s made it clear she wants nothing to do with us. Or are you forgetting the limo?”
Jenna rolls her eyes. “Yeah, she said those things because you’ve done everything in your power to make her feel like she’s beneath you. How would you feel if…no. You can’t even begin to know what that feels like, can you? You get everything you ever wanted. Well, Rue…” she stops and looks to the pool. Staring at it a few moments, her eyes shifting from annoyance to concern as she searches. “Wait. Where’s Rue?”
I turn and glance around the pool deck, but she’s not there. There are people standing in the shallow end with their backs to us, talking. I take a few steps toward the pool, a feeling of foreboding drifting up from my subconscious. A dark shadow in the deep end appears as I get close enough to see over the side. I run up. Yell her name. Yell it again.
Jenna joins me, staring over the side, frozen as she tries to understand what’s happening. Urgently I ask her, “Can she hold her breath for a long time? Is she fucking with us?”
She shakes her head, a thin line of distress deepening between her eyebrows. “No. RUE! COME ON! You’re scaring me!”
Terror slams into me as Rue’s body sways unnaturally to the side like the water owns her now. “No,” I whisper, my heart pounding loudly as I dive in to save her. Swimming as fast I can, I fasten an arm around her waist and use my feet to push off the bottom of the pool. The water fights me, but I’m stronger and I kick my legs hard against it. Under here, it’s like time disappears. With her hanging heavily under my arm as I swim, asking myself, What have I done?
Crashing through the surface, I gasp hard for air and yank Rue up as high as I can, her head hanging lifelessly, chin pressed into her chest and eyelids closed, with water cascading over them. “Grab her!”
“Oh my God. Her lips are blue!” Jenna pulls her up as I push from underneath. As she eases her friend’s head onto the limestone, she begins to pray, “Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Rue! Come on baby! Don’t die on me! Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done...”
I leap out of the pool, skinning my knees on the cement as I skid to her side. Grabbing her chin with one hand and plugging her nose with the other, I breathe heat and air from my lungs into hers. After six breaths, I beg, “C’mon, Rue. C’mon,” turning her over onto her side as water reluctantly pours out of her. But it’s not enough. No heartbeat. Grabbing her nose and mouth again I persevere, and through Jenna’s desperate, repeated prayers, I hear Sean and Alec joining us, asking frantically, “What’s going on?” as a small crowd surrounds us, whispering. I don’t hear them. I don’t see them.
The only thing I see is my sister dying in my arms.
Trying to get her heart to beat, I pound with both hands on her chest, yelling at her, “Rue, Dammit! You’re a fighter! FIGHT!” before I grab her nose and mouth again. On the seventh breath, my prayers are answered and water bubbles up, making me choke as she coughs into my mouth. With both of us hacking, I turn her onto her side again. This time a geyser comes out of her mouth, and I’ve never seen anything more wonderful. Her ghost-white hands grope the air like she’s clawing her way back to life. Alec grabs both hands and holds them securely, looking at me with questions in his eyes as I repeat, “Breathe Rue. Breathe!” She tiredly locks eyes with me, coughing and taking in her own oxygen, fear in her bloodshot eyes. Sean’s stunned, blinking with gratitude. Jenna’s crying and rocking next to us on her knees, her hand
s on Rue’s calves.
“You saved me?” Rue asks in a gravelly voice, looking at me like she never would have thought it possible.
“I couldn’t let you make the last move, now could I? That’s not how I roll,” I laugh with tears blending into the water dripping from my hair as she coughs softly and gratifies my joke with a weak smile.
Jenna lets out a released-tension laugh. “Ruefus! Don’t you ever die like that on me again! I swear I will kill you myself.”
Forgetting myself, I pick up Rue and rock her. If she had died, I never would have forgiven myself. I would have been the cause, and for what? For what??? She holds onto me and whispers hoarsely into my ear, “I’m sorry.”
Shaking my head, I say, “No, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
Sean catches my eyes as I look up. A silent exchange passes between us and he says, “We need to take her to a hospital to make sure she’s okay.”
Nodding grimly at the idea that she might be damaged from the drowning, I go to pick her up, water still dripping off both of us. Alec tries to take her from me, but I shake my head, tightening my hold. “I’ve got her.”
“Jack. Give her to me.” Struck by the fact that I care; a miracle in and of itself, he softens. “Jack, you’re shaking, man. It’s slippery out here. I’ve got shoes on.”
Reluctantly I hand her to him, and feel her hands unlocking around my neck to encircle his. I exhale, grateful to Alec for thinking straight and taking over. I do feel shaky. I hadn’t realized it in the adrenaline rush, and the last thing I want to do is drop her.
Rue calls over, “Thank you,” and I know it was meant for me, but the words have a rippling effect through my psyche. Thank me for what? I don’t deserve gratitude.
Jenna runs over and grabs their bags, then chases after Alec, grabbing onto Rue’s dangling feet just before they walk through the doors into the hotel.
Sean puts an arm around me, calling out to the lingering small crowd, “Okay, it’s all over. Thank you for your concern.” As people shuffle off whispering to each other, my brother looks at me with raised eyebrows. “What the hell happened?”
I drop my guilt to the cool limestone passing under our feet, staring at it as I answer, “It all happened so fast. She drowned. I was talking to Jenna, and… we didn’t notice that she hadn’t come up.” I can’t look at him. “Let’s just get her to the hospital, make sure she’s okay.”
We walk together in silence until we get to the door leading inside the hotel. “Sean?” I stop him with my hand on the door before he can go through.
He cocks a quizzical glance to me. “Yeah? What’s up?”
I’m about to ask him, How many people do you think are walking around having a good time–laughing, meeting interesting new friends, tasting that perfect French fry, fucking someone they love or just love fucking, having kids or watching the kids they already had, grow up–because they didn’t succeed in killing themselves? How many had another chance and found out on the other end, that it gets better? But I bite my tongue and open the door without saying a word of it, because he doesn’t know what I know–that she did that on purpose. And he for sure doesn’t know I tried to, once, too. He doesn’t know that for a split second when I saw Rue swaying at the bottom of the pool, I understood her in a way that many can’t. I knew what she had been feeling when she didn’t kick her legs and let herself rise to the top. I knew that if she succeeded, it would be my fault. I also knew that I would have to tell her, as soon as I got the chance, that that feeling passes. It passed for me… and I never thought it would.
“Never mind. Let’s go.” He raises his eyebrows again, this time at my holding the door for him. “Shut up. Just go, while I’m feeling generous.”
A small laugh escapes his lips and he walks in. I watch the back of his head bob as he picks up the pace to a jog to catch up. I follow his lead, doing my best to shake the disappointment I feel in myself.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Alec
British isn’t the dialect you’d expect a doctor in Spain to have, so when the graying gentleman in a common lab coat addresses the four of us with a Monty Python-esque voice, surprise flickers across all of our faces. “Yes, well. The MRI produced excellent results. You’ll find Rue in no way damaged and in fact, she seems to be in good spirits, if not a little pale. Shall I take you to her?”
Jenna, grinning ear to ear, almost jumps on the guy. “YES! She’s okay? Oh thank God! Yes, take us to her!”
He gives several nervous blinks at her outburst. “Right. Good. Let’s have a look then.” A polite smile flicks his cheeks and is gone as he turns and leads the way. “What I do want to know is how this happened.”
Jenna asks, “She didn’t tell you?”
He shakes his head. “No. She didn’t want to talk about it, which is odd. I was hoping to hear it from you. Is she a good swimmer?”
I look to Jack, but he’s staring ahead, bare feet thumping against the tile. We’re all dressed for the beach, not an emergency room. Only Sean and I are wearing shoes. Not one of us gives a shit that people are looking at our bodies–especially at Jenna’s in her bikini, long hair swinging side to side.
With her eyebrows knitting tightly she answers, “We don’t know. She dove in. Jack and I…” She motions to show which of us is Jack. “...weren’t paying attention. Um, and then when we realized she’d been gone for awhile we found her... at the bottom.” Her voice lowered at the end by the sobering memory.
My muscles tighten. I’m eager to get to Rue. I can’t believe I wasn’t there when it happened. Sean and I had gone down for some food. Jack had been with us, and in the middle of us talking about nothing in particular, he’d bolted. Until I saw him performing C.P.R. on her, I’d assumed he went to the bar or back to his room for a nap or a fuck. On all our previous trips to Ibiza when we go to the pool, we go together. So why he went there on his own is a mystery, unless he went to talk to Rue and Jenna, and that doesn’t make any sense. He was trying to stay away from her, unless he wanted to cause trouble…
My eyes flit over to the back of his head, to his tight shoulders, the tension still in him, too, like it is in all of us. If he’s the cause of this, I don’t know what I’ll do. But he can’t have tried to drown her. Jenna wouldn’t have let that happen and she certainly wouldn’t lie to protect him. Plus I can’t believe I’m considering it as a possibility. But this war he has with her could have gotten out of hand. But this far?
Tired of the questions running around my head, I grit my teeth and mutter loudly, “I can’t believe I wasn’t there. If I had been there, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Jack cocks a look over his shoulder at me. Is that a defensive gleam in his eyes? “Why is that?”
Unable to hold it back anymore, I growl, “Because I haven’t been able to stop fucking staring at her, that’s why! If she’d dove in the pool like you guys said, then I would have been watching because I can’t take my fucking eyes off her, and I would have seen that she didn’t come up!”
The group comes to a halt as Jack spins around, murder on his face. The doctor is the last to see the volcano burst as Jack explodes, “What do you mean, if she dove into the pool. What, do you think I pushed her in?”
“Why are you so defensive, Jack? Did you?” I clench my hands into itching and ready fists.
Sean leaps between us to hold us at bay with palms pressed tight against our expanding chests. Jenna’s eyes are wide and she mumbles, “Jack didn’t push her in, Alec.” There’s so little conviction to her defense that I twist my head and look at her. She glances to Jack and I can plainly see she’s hiding something.
“What happened out there!” I yell as Sean fights me to stay calm.
“Alec! Enough. You’re acting crazy. Calm down.”
“And you!” I turn my curling lips on him. “Rue was right. Who calms down when they’re told to? What a stupid fucking thing to say. Why did you warn her against me? Is that how little you think of
me?”
Whiplashed by my segue, Sean frowns. “C’mon Alec. Who are you kidding? Do you really think you’re good for her?”
“You fucking little…”
“STOP STOP!! Bloody hell!” The doctor waves his arms in the middle of us like some white-jacketed Frankenstein. “I’ll have to ask you all to leave if you don’t get ahold of yourselves. Now!!”
At the threat of expulsion, we switch gears instantly, relaxing our stances and eyeing each other as we back down. “We’re fine,” I say, as controlled as I can muster. Jenna exhales and shakes her head, the show of testosterone boggling her mind.
Jack nods, giving me one last gritty glance. “Sorry. We’re fine.”
Sean says nothing, the adrenaline still racing through his normally quiet system.
Jenna hurriedly adds in a soothing voice, stepping forward. “We were just scared for her. It was a pretty awful thing to see. Please, let us see her. The boys will behave. Won’t you boys?” We all jerk our chins down and up once.
Reticent, the doctor purses his lips and thinks on it. He sighs. “Trauma. It can do your head in. She’s just up here in Room 178 on the left. But another outburst and I will call security.”
Sean, Jack and I each affirm acknowledgement with noises, trudging forward.
Almost thrown out, now I’ve got two things to beat myself up over. I don’t know what got into me. He saved her life, not the other way around. And when she took in that first coughing breath, he was different. The rage that’s been behind his eyes ever since the news, had vanished. When he held her, those were real tear in his eyes, not just the water dripping from his hair. I bet the rush of fear brought a lot of that on. It would be a terrifying charge to the system for anyone… but still. He said he was sorry. Why did he say that?
You Don't Know Me: A Stand-Alone New Adult Romance Page 14
