by Noelle Adams
“Okay.”
He didn’t look like he believed her, but at least he’d finally let the topic rest. They sat in silence for a minute until she found a way to change the subject. She reached for a fancy wedding invitation on top of a pile of mail on the counter behind her. “Are you going to go to this?” she asked.
“I guess I should. Jim was a good friend in school.”
The wedding was an elaborate affair in a historic hotel in West Virginia. Madison was already excited about it because it had been so long since she’d dressed up and done anything festive. “Going to a wedding isn’t supposed to be a burden. You sound like you have to get teeth pulled.”
“It’s not that. It just seems like such a production, and I’ll be gone all weekend and Jenny has stuff going on that weekend, so she can’t go with me. I don’t mind going to the wedding. It just seems like a pain in the ass.” With a little smile, he shook his head. “Are you going?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
“Good. Maybe…”
Her heart leaped again in that ridiculous hopeful way—the way she was trying so hard to keep it from doing.
“Maybe it will be good for you,” Timothy concluded.
Madison tried not to slump back in her chair.
“Give you a chance to have some fun and relax, I mean.”
“I know what you meant,” she said quietly.
“Were you friends with Polly?”
“Kind of. Jim and Polly invited everyone, I think. Charlie and Hannah are going too.”
Charlie and Hannah were her best friends. They’d been her best friends in school, and they were still her best friends now.
“That’s good. Hopefully you’ll have a good time there. Jenny can stay with my parents that weekend.”
Madison nodded, staring down at her food. It was really good, and she’d almost finished her plate.
Timothy was silent for a minute, so long that the mood between them started to feel awkward.
When Madison finally raised her eyes to check his expression, he asked softly, “Are you sure I’m not taking advantage of you?”
“What?”
“Am I taking advantage of you?”
“No, of course not.” Madison suddenly felt guilty for making Timothy feel guilty. She should have managed her responses better. “Not at all.”
“I sometimes wonder if I am. I know I rely on you too much. I don’t know what Jenny and I would have done without you.”
It was something Madison wanted to hear from him so much she almost leaned into the words. But she reminded herself that they didn’t mean what she wanted them to mean.
They never would.
“I’ve wanted to help. You know I love Jenny as much as I loved Emily.’
“I know you do. But still…”
She let out a little sigh. “I’ll back off if you want me to.”
“I don’t want you to. Stop acting like I do.”
She blinked at the urgency of his tone. “Okay. Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry about?”
“For snapping at you.”
Despite her flustered state of mine, she couldn’t help but giggle at that. “You think what you just did was snapping at me?”
“Wasn’t it?”
“It wasn’t even close to snapping. There was a slight edge of impatience in your voice.”
“Well, I shouldn’t be impatient with you.”
“You can be anything you want to be with me.” She said the words thoughtlessly, without planning them out or thinking them through. When she heard how they sounded, she blushed slightly.
Timothy held her eyes, something new in his expression.
She felt weird and nervous and excited and a lot of things she shouldn’t be feeling.
She opened her mouth to say something else, but she had no idea what to say.
“Madison,” he began.
She leaned forward, completely mesmerized by the look in his eyes. “Yes?”
There was a long pregnant pause. Then, “Do you want some more wine?”
Madison did slump that time.
This kind of thing had happened to her over and over again for the past six months. Thinking something would happen, something would be said, and then crushed when it wasn’t. Nothing was ever going to happen romantically with Timothy, so she needed to stop hoping that it would.
She needed to focus on something else, get excited about a different guy.
That would be the emotionally healthy thing to do.
Madison had always been a practical person. If she needed to go against her heart to be emotionally healthy, then that was what she was going to do.
One
Three months later
Madison was texting when her phone rang, and the sound and vibration surprised her so much she dropped her phone onto her lap.
Not very many people called her anymore. Most of her friends and family just sent her messages.
When she’d grabbed the phone from between her thighs, she checked the screen and saw it was Timothy calling. They usually said everything they needed to say to each other in person, so she wasn’t used to getting calls from him.
She stared at his name on the screen for several seconds before she connected the call.
“Madison,” Timothy said. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Am I interrupting anything?”
It was seven thirty on a Thursday evening. She’d just been sitting on her couch with the television on, texting a guy she’d known from school. “No, not at all. What’s up?”
“You’re going to that wedding two weeks from now, aren’t you? Your plans haven’t changed?” Timothy was never big on small talk, but this seemed more abrupt than normal.
“Yes, yes, I am. My plans haven’t changed”
“Are you going with Charlie and Hannah?”
She blinked. “No, they both have dates.”
“Oh. Do you have a date?”
“N-no.” She didn’t have a date. She didn’t think vague thoughts about seeing an old classmate at the wedding and hoping she might have a little fling with him counted as a date.
“Is that a definite no?”
“Yes, it’s a definite no.” She was getting a little annoyed by the strange interrogation, coming out of the blue like this. She’d just seen him yesterday evening when he came home from his evening class. Why hadn’t he brought this up then? “Why?”
“I’m going to the wedding too. My parents are watching Jenny that weekend. Did you want to go together?”
She stopped breathing for a moment. “Oh.”
Was this a date? Was he actually asking her on a date after all this time? She’d been doing better recently about not having hopes for him. Was this really happening now?
Several months ago, he’d asked if she wanted to go to a movie with him. It was a movie they’d both talked about seeing, and he’d seemed to make a point of the invitation.
She’d thought it was a real date.
She’d looked forward to it for a week, and she’d primped and picked out the perfect outfit (casual but still very pretty). She’d genuinely thought it was a big step. When he’d called to make plans, he’d suggested they meet at the theater, which was a little disappointing—but still…
She’d been waiting for him at the theater, breathless and jittery.
Then he’d appeared, smiling and handsome.
He’d been wearing old jeans and a sweatshirt. He hadn’t shaved. And he’d brought his parents with him.
He’d obviously never thought about it as a date.
She was still mortified by how foolish she’d been, how crushed she’d been.
She wasn’t going to do it again. But this sounded like…
Timothy cleared his throat softly. “No sense to drive all the way out there on our own if we can carpool.”
Carpool.
That answered her questions quite
clearly.
He wanted to carpool.
Definitely not a date.
“Sure,” she said casually. “We might as well drive out together.”
“Good. Great. Excellent. That’s what we’ll do.”
She frowned at her phone for a moment. His words were stiff, almost forced. If he wasn’t excited about going with her, then he hadn’t had to ask. She would have been fine going on her own.
She didn’t have very many hang-ups about going places on her own. She liked her own company, and she’d learned long ago that people really didn’t pay as much attention to other people as everyone thought they did. No one cared if she was alone. She had plenty of friends to hang out with.
Plus she might hook up at the wedding with Kevin, whom she’d had a crush on through most of high school.
She had plans to have fun, look pretty, let go a little that weekend after having such a hard year with her work and family. She didn’t need a date to do that. In fact, it might be easier if she didn’t.
If Timothy was asking her without enthusiasm, then she’d rather he not even bother.
Realizing the silence had gone on too long on the phone, she made herself smile as she said, “It’s a plan then.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.” She shook her head, vaguely annoyed at him for dropping the conversation like this. “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow. I promised Jenny I’d take her to the zoo after school.”
“Okay. Good. Sounds good. I’ll see you then.”
Still shaking her head even as she chuckled to herself, she said goodbye and disconnected the call.
Maybe he was worried she’d think it was a date or something.
He needn’t have worried.
She wasn’t that stupid.
She’d figured out months ago that everything that felt like a date with him really wasn’t.
Pulling up her text app again, she apologized to Kevin for dropping off, explaining she’d gotten a call.
They texted for another half hour, not really talking about anything specific, just sustaining the conversation.
She hadn’t seen him in years, but he’d been cute and athletic and flirtatious. For more than a year in high school, she’d hoped he might like her, but he’d never really asked her out. She thought she was fairly attractive now with blond hair, clear skin, and a fit, compact body, but she hadn’t felt pretty in high school. She’d felt plain and boring and insecure, so she hadn’t really been surprised when Kevin hadn’t fallen for her.
She didn’t have daydreams about him falling for her now. He lived in Boston, and the distance between them would be incredibly inconvenient.
But maybe a little weekend fling wasn’t too much to ask.
He seemed interested. He’d been texting her a lot lately. He seemed excited about seeing her at the wedding.
Which was more than Timothy did.
***
Two evenings later, Madison was over at her friend Charlie’s very nice townhouse in Georgetown, and she, Charlie, and Hannah were drinking champagne.
Madison’s family had a very successful business, so she’d never been hurting for money, but she didn’t have anything close to the fortune that Charlie had inherited when her parents died. Her townhouse was gorgeous and roomy and conveniently located to shops and restaurants, so the three of them tended to hang out there the most.
Tonight they were celebrating since they’d all made the first steps toward their plans for the wedding. A few weeks ago, they’d been hanging out together like this, talking about what they wanted in life and how they could eventually get there. The conversation had turned into a pact between the three of them. By the end of the wedding weekend, they were all going to get what they really wanted.
Charlie wanted to win the heart of the man she loved. Hannah wanted to lose her virginity.
And Madison… well, all Madison wanted was to have a little fling, to let her hair down for a weekend and feel pretty and desirable again.
They were all committed to following through with the pact, and they were going to hold each other accountable.
Madison felt like she had the easiest goal of the three of them.
She wasn’t looking for love. She wasn’t hoping for her first time.
She just wanted to have a little fun—even if it was just for a weekend.
Maybe what she really wanted was more than that, but she knew she wasn’t going to get it. A pact wasn’t going to change that fact. She wasn’t the kind of person to hope for something she knew she couldn’t have.
“So does Kevin know what you’re planning?” Charlie asked after they’d talked about the steps she and Hannah had made toward their goals.
“No,” Madison said with a little eye-roll. “I didn’t ask him if he’d like to have sex at the wedding. I haven’t even seen him in years.”
“If his pictures are anything to go by, he’s still cute,” Charlie said. “I bet he wouldn’t mind if you just propositioned him.”
“I’m not going to proposition him before I even see him! I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to do it at the wedding.”
“Yes, you will,” Hannah said. “If I can ask Bruce if he’ll have sex with me for my first time, then you can ask Kevin if he wants to hook up for the night.”
“Bruce is your friend. I don’t even know Kevin anymore.”
“That makes it easier, not harder.”
Madison thought about that and then decided Hannah was right. She might be able to come on to Kevin. Since they weren’t good friends and barely knew each other anymore, the stakes were pretty low. It would have been different if she’d had to come on to Timothy. The stakes were much higher with him. Very, very high. If she messed up, she’d lose something incredibly important to her.
Better to proposition Kevin than proposition Timothy.
“So what is Timothy going to think?” Charlie asked, as if she’d read the direction of Madison’s thoughts.
“About what?”
“About you dumping him at the wedding to go screw Kevin.”
Madison sucked in an indignant breath. “I’m not going to be dumping Timothy! We’re not going together as dates. We’re just riding together.”
“You’re sure that’s all he had in mind?”
“Of course I’m sure. He used the word carpool.” There was a trace of bitterness in her voice on the last word.
Both Charlie and Hannah giggled at that.
“It’s not funny,” Madison insisted.
“Yes, it is,” Charlie said, smiling in her irrepressible way. She was pretty and curvy with reddish glints in her dark hair. Every part of her seemed to shine with a warm glow that came from within. “Just a little. If he was trying to ask you out, then he really blew it. He blew it almost as bad as bringing his parents to the movies with him. It’s kind of cute that he’s so nervous.”
“He’s not nervous. He wasn’t trying to ask me out. I don’t know why you keep hinting around about that. He’s still hung up on Emily. He’s not over her yet. And even if he were, I just don’t think he’d be interested in me. He’s the nicest guy in the world, so sometimes it seems like he might… but he’s just being nice. Really. I might as well be the nanny.”
Charlie and Hannah’s giggles sobered at that.
“It’s not that bad, is it?” Hannah asked. “Whenever I’ve seen him around you, he always seems to have a soft spot for you.”
Madison shrugged, trying to hold on to her practical demeanor. “I don’t know. I mean, of course he likes me. We’ve always been friends. But our friendship was always through Emily, and now I think it’s just through Jenny. He doesn’t want to… to be close to me—just for me.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Hannah said softly.
“I don’t either,” Charlie agreed with a definitive nod. “Maybe he just feels awkward and unsure of the situation. It’s got to be hard. To lose your wife so young the way he did and then to start falling for one of her good f
riends. No one can blame him for taking it slow and trying to feel you out first.”
“He’s not falling for me!” Madison’s voice was sharp, but it had to be. She couldn’t let her friends lead her thoughts in the wrong direction. She’d been trying so hard for months now to be realistic and not hope for the impossible.
“We’ll see,” Charlie murmured, her lip twitching just slightly.
Madison rolled her eyes and finished the champagne in her glass.
It wasn’t worth arguing with Charlie. Once she got something in her head, she never let it go.
Madison knew better.
She might have been foolish about him in the past, but she wasn’t anymore.
She wasn’t going to find her prince at the wedding.
She really just wanted to put on a pretty dress and go to the ball.
***
Two weeks later, Madison and Timothy were somewhere in southwest Virginia, on their way to the hotel.
They’d taken Madison’s car since hers was newer and not filled with little girl paraphernalia like his was. They were taking turns driving, and right now it was Timothy’s turn. He’d graded papers while she’d been driving earlier, but reading in the car gave her a headache, so she couldn’t get any work done while he drove. Especially since he’d gotten off the interstate and was taking back roads instead.
They’d chatted about a few casual things, but they’d been sitting in silence for about ten minutes now.
She didn’t mind silence. It didn’t feel uncomfortable, and she’d never been the kind of person who always felt obliged to fill it with words. But she kept feeling like Timothy was darting looks over at her, and she couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking.
In an effort to make herself think about something different, her brain went off on one of those rambles through recollection and reflection until it landed on an embarrassing memory.
The memory hit her like a sledgehammer, and she gave an uncontrollable jerk in response, sitting up straighter and trying to force her mind onto anything else.
“What’s the matter?” Timothy asked, urgency evident in his voice.
“Nothing. Sorry. It was nothing.”
“Are you sick?”
“No. No, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? Because if you’re going to throw up, I’d like some warning so I can—”
