“Hey, man. Why are you sleeping on the couch?”
Daniel sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Elena’s here. She fell asleep in my bed.”
Coop snorted, opened his mouth, closed it, and shook his head.
“Shut up, man. It’s not like that.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
Daniel glared at him. “I know what you didn’t say.”
Shaking his head, Coop laughed quietly, keeping his voice down. “Whatever, man. Why’s she here? I thought she dumped your sorry ass.”
“Thanks so much for your sympathy, dude. What would I do without you?” Daniel stood and walked to the kitchen, stretching on his way there.
Coop followed him, waiting as he got a glass of water and drank it. “Seriously. Why did she come over? Is she trying to get back together or something?”
Daniel shrugged. “I don’t know. She went home today for the break, but I guess it didn’t go well, and she came back. She said she’d promised Hannah and Matt a weekend to themselves and didn’t feel like she could go there. She said she couldn’t think of anywhere else to go.”
“And then she fell asleep in your bed?” Coop had crossed his arms, disbelief coloring his voice.
“Pretty much. She said she was really tired and asked if she could take a nap. I came out to the couch after she went to sleep and did some homework. My head started hurting, though, and I closed my eyes for a minute and fell asleep. What time is it, anyway?” He swiveled his head around to find the time on the microwave, which showed 7:56.
“Shit, man. She’s been asleep for over three hours.”
“You gonna wake her up?”
Daniel shook his head. “Nah. Why would I do that?”
Coop shrugged. “Dunno. Figure out why she’s really here? What she wants from you? See if she’s hungry?”
He considered that. “No. Not yet. She said she was exhausted, and she looked it. Man, she was crying. That woman never cries. She holds it back and pushes it down and doesn’t let it out.”
“That doesn’t sound healthy, dude.”
Daniel shrugged. “Maybe not. I dunno. I’m a math major and a football player. We’ve all been told to suck it up and walk it off since we were kids. If that’s what she wants to do, who am I to judge? But for her to let tears out …” He shook his head. “Man, whatever’s going on with her is bad, and I couldn’t just kick her out.”
Coop considered that, then sighed. “Yeah, okay. I get that. But don’t let her keep stringing you along. You deserve better than that. You’ve been miserable this week, and not just because you got kicked in the head. You don’t need her to come back and fuck you over again.”
“I know. I’m not doing what we were doing anymore. I’ll find out what she wants from me after she wakes up. And we’ll go from there.”
Coop studied him for a minute. “Okay. I was going to hang with you and watch a movie or something, but since you’ve got company, I’m gonna go hit a party that Wilkins was talking about.”
“Cool. Have fun, dude.”
“See ya.” Coop grabbed a sweatshirt and picked up his keys before heading back out, leaving Daniel alone with his thoughts again.
But that didn’t last long. Shortly after he settled back onto the couch with his homework again, the door to his bedroom opened, and Elena stood in the doorway, wearing his jersey.
And nothing else.
She leaned against the doorframe, one hip cocked, all curves and seduction. “Why don’t you come back to bed?”
He licked his lips at the sight of her, unable to help it. Just like he couldn’t stop the blood rushing to his cock. He let out an involuntary groan, her invitation so tempting. It would be so easy to fall back into their old pattern.
But he didn’t want that. Knew he couldn’t take it. He wasn’t the kind of guy who did well with casual relationships. He liked the stability of being with someone, not chasing pussy and trying to get laid all the time. When he was a freshman, he’d done that for a while. Hanging out with the guys on the team, it was hard not to get caught up in that, since it seemed to be the dominant culture. But he’d never liked it, it reminded him too much of how his dad operated. And he never wanted to be like him. By the time he was a sophomore, he’d started dating a girl. The guys had given him shit for a while, but it had been good-natured, and now no one even noticed when he didn’t hook up at parties between girlfriends.
Elena had been an exception. One he’d convinced himself wouldn’t hurt. But he’d grown attached, and tried moving them into the realm of committed relationship, and she’d broken up with him at the first opportunity. That was reality. She didn’t want to be in a relationship with him, and he wasn’t willing to accept less than that from her.
He tossed his pencil on his notebook. “Elena.” His voice came out low and gravelly, sounding like he was giving into her.
One corner of her mouth curved up in the sexy smile that always appeared right before they got naked. “Daniel.”
He let out a harsh breath and shook his head. “You said you wanted a place to crash.”
“Yeah. That doesn’t mean we can’t make each other feel good while I’m here.”
He closed his eyes to gather himself. “Elena, you broke up with me last week. Remember? Or were you hoping the concussion would make it so I’d forget? And hopefully not notice the fact that you haven’t talked to me all week?”
She crossed her arms, standing up straight, her seductive smile gone. “That’s not fair, Daniel.”
He let out a short laugh. “I’m not being fair? Please. If anyone has room to complain of unfair treatment here, it’s me. I got hurt, and you dropped me like I’m damaged goods.” He pointed a finger at her. “That’s not fair. And for you to show up here after a week of no contact and expect me to have sex with you? Completely unfair. Why did you come here, Elena?”
She held out a hand, palm up. “Does it really have to be over? Can’t we go back to how things were?”
He stood, his frustration starting to bubble over. “You’re the one who ended things. How could we possibly go back?”
It took a long time for her to answer, her eyes not meeting his, her lip caught between her teeth. When she finally spoke, her voice came out small, a pleading tone in it that he’d never heard from her before. “Please, Daniel. You—being with you, it’s the only thing that makes me forget.”
“What are you talking about?”
Her brown eyes met his at last. “When you touch me, I can finally stop thinking about all the other crap. You get my brain to shut off and make all the bad disappear. I need that. I don’t—“ She shook her head. “I don’t know how to deal without that.”
At first, her words warmed him. He made things better for her. But as what she said replayed in his head, it sounded darker, more sinister. Like … “So I’m like a drug for you? You want to feel better, so you come to me for a hit? And now you’re addicted and can’t figure out what to do without a fix. Is that what this is?”
Her eyes widened, and she shook her head, her hands up, palms out. “No, no. That’s not what I’m saying. You make me feel better, that’s all.”
“I make you feel better.”
She nodded, her expression relieved, like he finally got it. But that was the problem. He finally got it.
“I make you forget.”
“Exactly.”
“You’ve been using me. To make yourself feel better. The same way most people drink or get high when life is shitty.” He ran both hands over his head, trying to catch up with everything. No wonder she hadn’t wanted a relationship. “You’ve been using me.” Just like his dad had. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen it before.
“No, Daniel. That’s not how it was.”
He speared her with his eyes. “Yeah, that’s exactly how it was. You came over when you had a bad day or talked to your mom or spent all day working on stuff for your dad. You used me. Like my dad used to use me. And I thought you cared about me
, just like I used to think he did. But you never wanted to be with me for me, because you liked me. You just liked that I could get you to stop thinking.” He chuckled, even though nothing about this was funny. “Most guys would probably be flattered that a chick was into him just so he could fuck her brains out.” Pause. “Too bad I’m not most guys.”
Stepping back into the bedroom, she drew in a breath that was half gasp, half sob. The sound felt like a punch to the gut. Or a kick to the head. The same ringing, distant feeling that he’d had a week ago was back. And he was suddenly so tired.
When she came back out she had on her own clothes again, her eyes not meeting his. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’ll go.” She took another one of those gasping, sobbing breaths. “I won’t bother you anymore.”
And she left, the door closing behind her lending a sense of finality to the conversation. This time, he didn’t consider going after her. Didn’t want to try to convince her to stay. Accepted the hollow feeling that carved into his chest. After the agony of the last week, now he just felt numb. Nothing had been how he’d thought it was with her.
At least now he knew.
Chapter Sixteen
Elena managed to get herself home, though she had no memory of the drive. She didn’t even bother to text Hannah to let her know she’d be coming home. Couldn’t think about her roommates. The only thing she could think about was holding back her tears. It took every ounce of willpower not to break down in front of Daniel and hold it all back on the ten minute drive to her house.
She stumbled through the side door into the eat-in kitchen, blind and deaf to anything going on, and made it to her room. Closing her door, she collapsed on her bed, letting loose the sobs that had been threatening to escape for too long. She buried her face in the bed, trying to muffle the sounds that she couldn’t hold back anymore. Months of tears that had been held back, sucked in, and stuffed down came out in a wrenching torrent, her body heaving with the force of it.
At some point, Hannah came in, probably drawn by the sounds of her distress. She hadn’t heard the door open or close, and Hannah didn’t say anything. But she lay down on the bed with Elena and wrapped her arms around her, holding her while she cried and cried. When she’d calmed somewhat, Hannah got her a glass of water.
“Want to talk about it?”
Elena shook her head, drinking deeply.
Hannah watched her. “Do you want me to stay?”
“No.” Her voice sounded hoarse. She set the empty glass on her side table. “Thank you. I’ll be okay.” She forced a smile she didn’t feel, the truth revealed by the tears that escaped again.
But Hannah didn’t call her on it. “Okay. I’m here if you need me.”
“Thanks,” she whispered, waiting until Hannah left before changing into a cami and lounge pants and climbing into bed. The tears continued to fall, soaking her pillow. The great heaving sobs had calmed, but she couldn’t stop crying. She’d stuffed it all down for so long, convinced that if she started crying she wouldn’t be able to stop. And it seemed that she’d been right.
Elena stayed in bed all weekend. Sometimes she thought maybe she’d cried it out, and would lay staring at the ceiling, her eyes dry and gritty. But some memory would flit through her mind—an image of her dad, or something to do with Daniel—and the tears would start all over again.
Monday was more of the same. She called her professors for her important classes. Her hoarse, scratchy voice sounded convincing enough when she left messages that she was sick and wouldn’t be in class.
Tuesday morning dawned as bleak as the last few days, her tears welling up again as soon as she woke up. But Hannah had apparently reached her limit.
She knocked softly on Elena’s door and let herself in without waiting for an answer. She’d been checking in, coaxing Elena to eat and drink and take a shower. Today, though, she looked determined. Elena didn’t like the idea of a determined Hannah right now.
Hannah stood at the foot of the bed, feet planted, arms crossed, dressed in jeans and her favorite green sweater. “You need to see someone.”
“Good morning to you too.” Elena threw an arm across her face. “I’m tired, Hannah. Don’t you have class?”
Nudging her leg, Hannah didn’t let Elena ignore her. “I’m skipping today. You’re more important. We have an appointment at the Student Health Center.”
With a groan, Elena mumbled, “I’m not really sick. I don’t need to see the doctor.”
The bed dipped with Hannah’s weight as she sat down, pulling Elena’s arm off her face. “I know that. They also have therapists. Your appointment is with a therapist.”
“Seriously, Hannah?” She closed her eyes. “Call and cancel. I’m not going.”
“Yes, you are.”
Chancing another look at Hannah, Elena noticed the set of her jaw and the flash in her green eyes. Stubborn Hannah was making a rare appearance. Her friend was usually pretty easygoing, but when she decided something needed to be a certain way, there was no changing her mind. Sometimes it was a good thing. Other times, not so much.
This time fell under the second category.
With a loud sigh, she sat up. “Fine. What time is the appointment?” There was no use arguing with Hannah like this. She could refuse to go, but Matt was still around. For all she knew, Hannah would get Matt to carry her to the car, ride with them, and carry her into the Student Health Center, kicking and screaming all the way.
“Ten thirty. You have plenty of time to shower and eat something before we go.” Hannah rummaged in Elena’s dresser, pulling out clothes and thrusting them into Elena’s arms. “Here. Now you have clothes to wear and everything. No excuses. Shower and brush your teeth. Matt’s getting breakfast burritos.”
Something like a smile pulled at Elena’s mouth. It felt weird. Stiff. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d smiled. “You’re feeding me hangover food?”
Hannah shrugged, brushing her long hair out of her face. “Your head probably hurts from all that crying, and you haven’t eaten much. I figured you could use some protein, and I know you love chorizo con huevos.” Her voice softened. “If anything could get you to eat, it would be one of your favorite foods.”
Vision blurring from another bout of tears, this time for her friend’s thoughtfulness, Elena blinked, trying and failing to hold them back. “Thanks, Han.” Her voice came out choked.
“Of course.” Elena stood, and Hannah came over and gave her a hug. “I’m always here when you need me, even if you don’t want my help.”
More tears dripped off her face, landing on Hannah’s sweater. Elena hugged her back with one arm, her other still clutching her clothes.
She pulled back and wiped her face with her wrist. “I should shower.”
“Go. Matt’ll be back by the time you’re out. And then I’ll take you to campus. We have to be there by ten fifteen to fill out paperwork, so don’t take too long in the shower.”
A short Hispanic woman entered the waiting room, her long, black hair pulled back with one of those claw shaped clips, wearing a long sweater, jeans, and heeled clogs. She looked from Hannah to Elena before extending her hand. “Elena?”
Elena stood, shaking the woman’s hand before offering the clipboard full of paperwork. “Hi. That’s me.”
The woman smiled, polite but warm, taking the clipboard. “Nice to meet you. I’m Margaret.” She glanced at Hannah again, who stood.
“Hi. I’m Hannah.” And they shook hands. Hannah looked at Elena. “I’ll just wait here, unless you want me to come in with you.”
Elena shook her head. “No, that’s fine. Thank you.”
Margaret smiled again. “Follow me.” She led Elena into a small room furnished with a desk in one corner, and an overstuffed chair across from a matching loveseat in the center of the room. A diffuser on top of the desk sent a soft citrus smell throughout the room. Margaret stepped in front of the chair and gestured Elena to the loveseat.
E
lena sank into the cushions, feeling surprisingly comfortable in this cozy little office while Margaret, who reminded her of her mom’s sister, her tía Susana, looked over the clipboard in her hands.
Pulling out a spiral notebook, she gave Elena another warm smile. “Why don’t you tell me a little about why you decided to come see me?”
Elena forced a laugh, deflection her go-to response. “My roommate woke me up this morning and told me she’d made me an appointment.”
Margaret’s face gave nothing away. “Why do you think she did that?”
“Probably because I’ve been in bed crying since Friday night.” She smirked.
“Why are you smiling?” Margaret’s voice was soft, curious, nonjudgmental. “That doesn’t sound funny.”
Elena opened her mouth, not sure what to say. She always forced a laugh or a smile, uncomfortable revealing the true depth of her emotions. Finally she shook her head. “You’re right. It’s not.”
“Why were you in bed crying since Friday night?”
“That’s a long story. I don’t even know where to start.”
Margaret settled into the chair, adjusting her sweater and crossing her legs. “Why don’t you start at the beginning.”
So she did, going back to the phone call in June when her mom told her that her dad had been in a horrible car crash, the days of wondering if he’d survive, the weeks and months of wondering if he’d ever be himself again. For her part, Margaret’s eyes rarely strayed from Elena, only looking away to make brief notes or grab the box of tissues when Elena started crying. Which didn’t take very long. Three days and four nights of crying was apparently not enough to get out all her tears.
Elena got as far as feeling guilty for wanting to come back to school before Margaret stopped her. “I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. Does this time work for you on a weekly basis?”
“Yeah. Tuesdays at ten thirty work for me.”
Margaret stood, crossing to her desk and writing in her desk calendar. “Great.” She smiled at Elena again. “I’m glad you came in. I’ll see you next week, and you can tell me the rest of your story.”
Coping Skills (Players of Marycliff University Book 5) Page 13
