by Donald Wells
Tori smiled brightly as she approached me at the bar.
“Hello John.”
I looked her up and down. “May I just say Tori—Good God Almighty!”
She laughed. “I’m glad you noticed.”
“Me and every man in here, what will you have to drink?”
She ordered a mango martini and after our table was ready, we sat and ordered dinner. After the waitress left, Tori reached over and took my hand.
“I’ve missed you.”
“I just saw you in court yesterday.”
She stroked the back of my hand with her thumb. “I know.”
“You’re not going to make this easy, are you?”
“Make what easy?”
“Saying goodbye, these dinners can’t continue, I’m with Felicia,”
“You were with Felicia, you two lead separate lives now; you just haven’t realized that yet.”
I stared into her eyes. “Felicia could live on Mars and I would still love her, I will always love her. I’m not naïve, I know Thorne is chipping away at her night and day, whispering in her ear and that someday she may answer that call and sleep with him, and I’ll tell you right now that I would forgive her. She is the love of my life and if she’s less than perfect, then, it would just make her a better match for me.” Next, I disengaged my hand from hers and sat back.
Tori reached into her purse and brought out a tissue, which she used to dab at her eyes.
“I don’t want this to end.”
“These dinners?”
“You, being with you, you’re the only one that sees me John. To every other man I’m a thing, a beautiful thing to fuck. You’re the only one I know who actually listens to me. Our last dinner, you spent an hour asking me about my childhood, about growing up in my grandmother’s bakery. You’re the only one I’ve ever told that story to. Most men would have paid the check and bedded me. We sat at the bar after dinner and talked for hours. You can’t tell me that you have no interest in me, that you don’t feel something.”
“I care about you Tori, I do, which is why I can’t see you again.”
“Then I’ll call you and we’ll talk on the phone.”
I threw a hand up in the air uselessly.
“What would be the point?”
“Contact, continued contact, damn it John, you’re not the only one that can fall in love you know.”
The waitress returned with our appetizers, fish tacos. I waited until she left to speak.
“Tori, what you just said… did you mean that—”
“I love you. I know it’s crazy, that we barely know each other and that you’re in love with someone else, but that’s the way things stand damn it.”
I stared at her in dismay. I had not seen this coming at all. I thought she saw me only as a potential conquest, not as a potential mate. I was both flattered and horrified.
How do I explain to Felicia that another woman is in love with me? Had I led Tori on? Had I enjoyed her company so much and been so flattered by her attention that I sent out the wrong signals?
Tori took my hand again. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For blurting out my feelings, look at the way I’m dressed. This was supposed to be a night of seduction, not confession.”
“Please don’t apologize for loving me; I’m more flattered than you know.”
“So now what?”
“There’s only one answer I can give you… goodbye.”
She began crying again. “Can I at least call you?”
And although I knew it was wrong, I answered.
“Yes.”
20
It was Saturday, Valentine’s Day
With the temperature in the low sixties, amid bright sunshine, I decided to ride my Harley to New York. I stopped to use the men’s room at a rest area and a headline in a newspaper vending machine caught my eye.
PLATINUM STRIKES AGAIN - FOURTH GIRL GOES MISSING
It was attention grabbing, but what most garnered my interest were the accompanying photos. All four of the missing women were blond and young. The police had named their unknown abductor PLATINUM, because the missing women were all blondes.
I bought the paper, intending to show it to Bill when I got back to town. The murders of blondes that had occurred around the vicinity of Castle Ridge had ended more than a year ago. The Task Force that had been assigned to solve them had disbanded thereafter, but I knew that Bill had made the case a sort of hobby and was determined to see it solved.
In all, there had been eleven girls murdered in Pennsylvania, their bodies dumped by the side of the road like trash.
I knew the New York case was different because no bodies had been found, yet I thought the fact that all of the victims in both cases had been blonde was significant.
I had not spoken to Felicia in two days, which was unusual, also, I had left numerous messages and texts on her phone and she had not returned any of them.
That was unprecedented.
I drove up the long, winding drive of the Thorne Estate and was pleased to no end to see that David’s Porsche was absent.
It was not surprising. He had been steering clear of me since our confrontation and the few times that we were together in the same room, had not spoken to me, but only glared in malice.
I parked my bike in the circular drive, and reached into my saddlebag, for the heart-shaped box of chocolates that I had brought Felicia.
When I started toward the house, I thought it odd that she had not yet run out to greet me as she always did, but then I spotted her, sitting alone on the front porch swing with her head cast downward. I approached her slowly, knowing something was wrong, very wrong. When I was five feet away, she looked up at me with reddened, tear-filled eyes and whispered four words that altered our lives forever.
“I slept with David.”
21
As my heart shattered, I took a seat beside the woman I loved.
She began sobbing harder and I simply sat and waited it out. It took a few minutes, but she got herself under control enough to speak.
“It happened two days ago, I fought it for so long, but this time I gave in and we had sex in his room.”
I said, “I don’t need details.” and was surprised by the timbre of my voice, of the anger in it.
“I’m so sorry Johnny. I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me.”
I stared into her eyes.
“I could never hate you; I love you. But, what I need to know now is… do you love him?”
“David? No, I don’t love him. I’m attracted to him physically, I always have been, but I don’t love him… I…I only love you.”
I gawked at her, incredulous.
“You say the words now, after sleeping with another man?”
“I’ve always loved you, since that first day I walked in the shop with my mother’s clock. I’ve always loved you and I always will.”
“But? Why do I hear a but?”
“Things are different, we’re different. Don’t you feel it? We’ve hardly seen each other in over a year and I’ve changed, I’m not the little girl that used to hang around the shop. I’ve been to Europe, I have new friends and there’s someone else who loves me now, David.”
“He’s said that he loves you?”
“He said it the first week I was here, that he loves me, cherishes me and someday wants to marry me.”
“I’ve said the same things baby. You’re my life.”
“A life you barely see. Can you really tell me that things are the same with us?”
“No, but they can be again. When you turn eighteen you can live anywhere you want. You can move back to Castle Ridge and we’ll get married.”
“What about my Aunt Sophie? With Mona gone, she’s my only family and she’s done so much for me. I can’t leave her. She’s not… she’s not as strong as she likes to appear, she needs someone around her.”
“She’ll have David.”
“David can’t take care of her, not emotionally, she’s very needy.”
I suddenly realized what she was really trying to say.
“You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
I got down on my knees then, down on my knees before her and I didn’t give a damn who saw me there.
“Don’t do this, I, we, we can fix this, fix us.”
She kissed me softly on the lips.
“Oh Johnny, there are some things even you can’t fix.”
We stayed like that for what seemed like forever, me on my knees before her, clasping her hands in mine, not wanting to rise, because rising meant leaving, and leaving her was not something I knew how to do.
“Don’t do this Felicia, don’t throw us away.”
“I’m staying in New York; I’ll be starting college in the fall.”
“You made up your mind about this weeks ago, hadn’t you? Sleeping with David was just a way to make it final.”
She took my face in her hands. “I love you. I want you to be happy, find someone else, someone worthy of you.”
A moment later, I realized I was standing. I had no memory of ever rising.
I looked down into her tear-streaked face. “I will always love you, and whenever you need me, I’ll be there.”
“I love you too. I don’t know why it took so long for me to say it, but it’s true, I love you, and I’m so sorry I betrayed you this way.”
I stared into her eyes for what might be the last time, and then I turned and walked away. A moment later, I realized that I still carried the box of chocolates with me. In my angst, I had crushed it under my arm. I walked back and handed her the mangled, heart-shaped box.
“We began with a broken heart on Valentine’s Day; I guess we’ll end with one as well.”
She took the box from me while crying anew, and I went from that place of heartache.
I made it a mile down the road before my tears threatened to blind me and I swerved the bike onto the shoulder, turning my back to the rushing traffic, and cried like a baby for the first time since my parents died.
* * *
I rode around aimlessly for a while that day, thinking about Felicia, about life, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do with mine now.
I arrived home shortly before midnight, and as I climbed the stairs, I noticed a light coming from beneath my grandfather’s bedroom door, which was ajar.
He was probably sitting up reading, as was his habit before going to bed. I gave a gentle tap, and when I received no answer, I entered.
The walls of his room were covered in books; most of them first editions passed down from his father and mixed with those he had collected, and also some of my own.
He was seated in his favorite chair, across from a similar chair with a chessboard between them, that we managed to put to use about once a week. I rarely beat him.
An open book lay in his lap and his chin rested on his chest, as if he were asleep, but, he was not asleep.
I felt his wrist, and the cooling flesh told the story, before his absent pulse could give voice.
I settled across from him in the other seat and for the second time that day, I cried.
He had been ninety-one. He once told me that he had thought himself a lifelong bachelor until, at the age of forty-two, he first laid eyes on my grandmother. She had been only nineteen when they met, and he had wooed, seduced and married her within a month.
Maybe that was the secret; marry them the moment you realize you’re in love.
He and my grandmother had been married for thirty-nine years before she passed away of lung cancer. They had raised my father, had suffered through two miscarriages and had kept the family business running. He had lived a good, long life.
I gazed across the chessboard at my grandfather and felt not just grief, but also envy. For with Felicia gone, I knew that when my time finally came, that I would welcome death, welcome it with eager, impatient arms.
22
Tori called me the next day and I told her about my grandfather’s passing.
I did not mention that Felicia had broken up with me. I had not yet accepted it myself, and was far from even entertaining the idea of starting another relationship.
“I want to come to the funeral.” She said.
“You never even met him.”
“Will Felicia be there?”
“No.”
“Then I want to be there. I know he was important to you and you shouldn’t be alone.”
“No one should be alone, it sucks.”
“Yes John, yes it does.”
“The funeral is on Thursday, come to the shop at noon and we’ll go together.”
“John… are you all right? Something is off in your voice.”
“I miss my grandfather, that’s all.”
“How was your visit yesterday?”
That did it. I started to lie to her and found that I couldn’t speak. I became overwhelmed with emotion every time I thought I might never see Felicia again.
“John… are you still there?”
I exhaled loudly and found my voice. “I’m here.”
“What’s wrong? Really, please don’t be afraid to tell me.”
I let it out in a huff. “Felicia dumped me.”
“Yesterday?”
“Yes.”
“And then you came home to find…”
“Yes.”
“I’ll be right there.”
“No, please, I’m not ready for—”
“I’m not coming there to fuck you John. I’m coming there to take care of you.”
* * *
And she did. She came that day.
That night she slept on the sofa and never so much as hinted that we should sleep together.
Over the next few days, we talked often, easily, and she did something that amazed me—she baked. I looked about my small kitchen and counted a dozen pies.
“I can’t believe you baked all this.”
“I’m a world class baker, my grandmother made sure of that, and you mentioned that a lot of people would be coming to the funeral.”
I took her by the hand. “Thank you, and thank you for not pushing.”
“You’ll come to me when you’re ready.”
“What if I’m never ready?”
She kissed me quickly on the lips. “You will be, in time.”
* * *
The funeral was large, and afterward, we gathered at Bill’s house. He and his wife Cindy had offered it for the gathering.
Bill led me into his study and shut the door.
“Tori’s nice,”
“Yes.”
“Are you going to let her in?”
I smiled wanly. “I don’t think there’s room in there for two of them.”
“You have to let her go. Felicia’s moved on, you should too.”
“How do you stop loving someone Bill?”
“You find someone else to love, just like she did.”
I grew angry. “Felicia doesn’t love Thorne.”
He put up a hand. “I’ll drop it, for now. By the way, thank you for that newspaper story on PLATINUM. I contacted the New York State Police and they say that they haven’t found a trace of any of the five girls.”
“Five? I thought there were four?”
“A fifth one went missing on Saturday, this one lived in the city.”
“Jesus! Thank God Felicia’s not blond.”
“John… are you going to be all right?”
“No. Any other questions?”
He sighed. “Let’s go back out to the gathering.”
* * *
Janey Winslow stopped by to see me about a week after Felicia and I broke up. I was surprised. She was Felicia’s best friend and I thought I might now be persona non grata to her. It had not been a good day and I had drunk quite a bit while sitting in front of the TV, not really watching, but thinking of Felicia. Janey and I sat together on th
e sofa and she asked how I was.
“Felicia is out of my life, that’s how I am.”
“She’s feels so guilty. She says she doesn’t love him, if it helps any.”
“Janey, maybe we shouldn’t talk about her.”
She started to get up. “Let me make you some coffee.”
I grabbed her hand and pulled her back onto the sofa.
“I’ve got a better idea.” I said, and I kissed her, a big, sloppy, drunken kiss.
Janey put a hand on my chest and pushed me away.
“I like you a lot, and it’s tempting, but I’m not going to be your revenge.”
I said, “What do you mean?” but I didn’t look her in the eye.
“You know what I mean.”
I glanced up. “Maybe I should have some coffee after all.”
“Good idea,”
She made the coffee and then we sat and watched a game show.
“That woman at the funeral, is she your new girlfriend?”
“Tori is just a friend.”
“That’s what you think.”
“What’s that mean?”
She grinned and shook her head. “Men are so naïve.”
“Hey Janey,”
“Yeah?”
I leaned over and pecked her on the cheek. “Thanks for being my friend too.”
* * *
The apartment was quiet without my grandfather.
He had left me the shop and garage, along with a piece of land that bordered County Road. He had purchased it back in the Sixties when the rumor mill said that County Road would be transformed into a superhighway that would stretch all the way to Ohio. The project never took place and my grandfather had spent the intervening decades renting the land out to a farmer.
Tori left me the night of the funeral and returned to Philadelphia. She never asked me for anything and I sent no offers back. She called me often, but never visited.
However, over the next several months, I did venture to Philly occasionally to have dinner with her, just dinner. The loneliness may have driven me to see her, but I still harbored hope and kept my distance.
