by Carr, Mari
Then Bryan started telling some funny stories about her from their high school days.
Laura shook her head, smiling, amazed by his memory. “I swear you’re making half of this stuff up. I’m positive I never instigated a water-balloon fight in the student parking lot.”
“Liar,” Bryan accused. “I spent nearly three hours tying those damn balloons the night before the battle for you. I had a hell of a blister on my finger. Of course that was small potatoes considering I had my ass chewed off after the fight. My dad still brings up the damn detention we got for that.”
Kevin pretended to be scandalized. “So basically, Mom, all those years when Katie and I were growing up and you swore you had been this ideal student, you were lying.”
Laura laughed. “No, not lying. I got very good grades and apart from that one detention—”
Bryan cleared his throat.
Laura gave him a dirty look, then continued, “And apart from those two—” she glanced at Bryan, “—or three detentions, I was generally well-behaved too.”
Kevin laughed so loud a few other patrons at surrounding tables looked at them. Laura couldn’t help but join him. Her son was big and burly like his dad. However, unlike Mason, he was quick to laugh, he’d never known a stranger and he managed to put people at ease in any occasion.
“Damn, Mom. It’s like everything I ever believed has been blown out of the water. Next thing you know, you’ll tell me there’s no Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy.”
“Um, Kevin,” Trina began. “I sort of hate to break this to you…”
They all laughed when Kevin covered his heart as if he’d been stabbed. Laura noticed even Katie smiled at her brother’s silly antics. However, when she caught Laura looking, the happy expression fled, quickly replaced by the far too common apathetic appearance Laura was coming to hate.
The waitress approached with a pitcher of water, refilling their empty glasses. “Would you like dessert?”
Bryan looked around the table. Everyone said no, so he asked for the bill instead. The entire meal had been a success with the exception of Katie and her silence. However, Laura took solace in the fact that her daughter had agreed to come out with them at all. Maybe, given enough time, she and Katie could find a way back to how things had been before the divorce.
“Hey, Laura.”
Laura glanced up to find a young man standing near the table. His face was familiar, but she struggled to remember how she knew him.
He obviously realized she didn’t recognize him. “Kevin, remember? From Blue Moon. Sex to music.” Kevin started grinding the air to imaginary music and grinning.
She smiled uncomfortably when she realized his words were giving her kids the wrong idea. “Oh, that’s right. The dance lessons.”
“Haven’t seen you out again. I’m heading over to the Moon with my friends right now.” Kevin looked around the table. “You all should come over there after you’re finished here. Awesome band playing tonight. I can give you some more lessons if you want.”
It was apparent her dance instructor had over-imbibed with dinner. She gave him a brief, “Maybe we’ll see you later,” and was relieved when he left.
“Sex to music?” Katie asked.
Laura raised her hand. “That was a joke. Georgie was trying to teach me how to dance and—”
“You know what? Forget I asked. I really don’t want to know.” Katie pushed her chair away from the table and stood up.
Laura rose as well. “No. I want to explain.”
“Explain what, Mom?” Katie’s voice was loud, angry. Laura sensed everyone in the restaurant turning to stare at them.
Laura pointed to their chairs. “If we could just sit down and talk about this quietly, I think we could—”
“I don’t want to be quiet anymore.” Katie pointed at her. “Who are you? I don’t even recognize you. New hair, tight jeans and low-cut shirts. You’re getting drunk at concerts and going dancing with guys who are young enough to be your son. And that guy even has your son’s name. How sick and twisted is that?”
“Katie.” Laura tried to calm her daughter down, but Katie wouldn’t be appeased.
Kevin stood as well and stepped closer to his sister. “Hey, Kate. Come on. Take it easy.”
Katie shook off Kevin’s hand, all her anger directed solely at Laura. “Who the hell are you trying to be?”
Laura was taken aback, left struggling for an answer. Who was she trying to be? “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I want you to tell me what was wrong with just being my mom.”
Katie’s words cut through Laura like a knife. “Nothing. God, Katie. I am your mom.”
Katie shook her head. “No. You’re not.”
Kevin’s expression darkened. “Now hang on, Kate. That’s not fair.”
“I’m leaving. I’ve had enough of pretending to play nice, pretending this is all normal when it’s not. It sucks. All of it.” Katie stormed out of the restaurant.
Laura was rooted to the spot. She should go after Katie, but what the hell would she say? It felt as if she’d been punched in the stomach, had the breath knocked out of her.
Kevin’s hand landed on her shoulder. “Everything she said was wrong.”
Laura shook her head. “No. It wasn’t.”
Kevin looked like he wanted to argue, but instead he took her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I’ll go talk to her. Call you in the morning. Okay?”
Laura nodded, too stunned to fully take in anything Kevin was saying.
Kevin looked at Bryan, his eyes asking an unspoken question.
“I’ll take care of her,” Bryan said softly.
Kevin smiled and shook Bryan’s hand. For some reason, Bryan’s words, her son’s sudden relief, rubbed against the grain.
Was she so weak, so stupid she couldn’t take care of herself? Anger bubbled up inside her, replacing the pain of watching Katie walk away.
Bryan paid the bill, then led her and Trina to the car. It was a quiet trip home. They dropped Trina off at her place, then Bryan took her to her townhouse. On the way, Laura’s fury grew until it felt as if her entire body was on fire.
She sniffled when they pulled up to her house. Bryan misinterpreted the sound as crying. She was too pissed off to cry, the tears evaporating thanks to her red-hot anger.
“It’ll be okay, Laura.”
She gritted her teeth, unwilling to listen. She was sick of that fucking answer. When would he see nothing was okay?
Opening her car door, she got out, slamming it shut with all the force she could muster. She stormed to the porch, unsurprised when she heard Bryan’s car door close, his footsteps behind her.
She didn’t want him with her. Didn’t fucking need him patting her on the head, telling her to give it time. Screw him and his goddamn advice.
Laura walked into the house, not bothering to glance in Bryan’s direction as she headed to the living room.
“Laura. Katie was out of line.”
Laura shook her head, raised her hand to cut him off. “No, Bryan. She wasn’t. I’ve been a fool. Trying to be someone I’m not, thinking that was going to make me happy.”
“What are you talking about? I haven’t seen you pretending, acting out of character.”
“That’s because you don’t know me. You don’t know this me. You only remember the silly, impulsive little girl I used to be. I’m not her anymore. I can’t believe I let things get so far out of hand.”
Bryan’s face darkened. “I don’t think you’re the same girl you used to be.”
“It doesn’t matter. None of this matters anymore.”
“What are you saying?”
She swallowed heavily, trying to ignore the ache in her chest. “I ended up here because I lost myself inside a man, a marriage. I’ve thrown my family and my relationship with my daughter away because of my selfish desire to find some sort of happiness for myself. I need to figure out who I am on my own before I jump into
a relationship with you.”
Bryan ran a hand through his hair, the gesture betraying his frustration. “Before? What the fuck have we been doing these past few months? I think it’s a little too late to make that proclamation.”
“I can’t do this with you. I can’t get lost again. What if…” Her words faded away.
Bryan studied her face. “What if…”
His stony features betrayed him. He knew what she was going to say and yet he pressed her to speak the words, to say things that would only hurt them both.
“What if I stay with you and fall into the same patterns because I’m not strong enough not to? We’ve both seen how I respond to you sexually. Who’s to say that won’t eventually creep out of the bedroom and into other aspects of our lives?”
“It won’t.”
She laughed mirthlessly. “Easy words to say.”
“Laura. You’re independent, intelligent and self-confident. I’d never try to tell you what to do outside the bedroom.”
“I just need some time. Can’t you understand that?”
“How much time?”
She lifted one shoulder. “A lot of it.”
Bryan froze. If he was hoping for a reprieve, some sign that she was lying, he was going to be disappointed. She’d never spoken truer words.
“Please,” she added.
He nodded slowly. “Fine. But there’s something you need to understand, Laura. You’re only responsible for one person’s happiness in this life. Yours. I can’t force you to be with me even though I know I can make you happy.”
She blinked rapidly, trying to hold back the tears that were fighting to fall.
“So I’ll just say this. Being with you these past few months has made me happy.”
“No.” She couldn’t listen to this. Every word he said ripped her to shreds. “Don’t.”
He laughed, though the sound was bitter, sad. “Yeah. Don’t. Don’t listen to things you can’t bear to hear, Laura.”
She shook her head. “It’s not that.”
“Yes, it is. But I don’t give a shit. You’re going to hear this before you kick me out of your life. I love you.”
She didn’t move, didn’t respond. She couldn’t or she’d shatter into a million pieces.
Bryan’s gaze held hers, and she saw too much in his eyes—agony, fear, hope, pleading. She wondered if hers held the same.
Apparently they did. Bryan turned away. She wasn’t sure what else she expected him to say, but it didn’t matter. One minute, he was there, the next, she was standing at the front door, watching his taillights as he drove away.
Shock set in as she drifted back to the living room and dropped down on the couch. She wasn’t sure how long she sat there in the silence, too stunned to cry, to think. Reaction gave way to numbness as she stared at the walls.
What the fuck do I do now?
Chapter Eight
Laura Sanders
Recipe for a killer mimosa? Fill a glass with champagne, then add a splash of orange juice. For color.
Laura looked at the clock. It was seven a.m. on a Sunday. She’d been wide awake since three. So far, she’d scrubbed her bathroom, baked cookies, cleaned out the hall closet and reorganized her refrigerator.
Fuck it. She texted Kristen. You up?
The response came back immediately. I’m awake. Just lying in bed.
Laura hesitated only a moment before giving in, asking for help. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown.
Mere seconds elapsed before Kristen replied. I’ll be right over.
Laura unlocked the front door, then sank down on the couch. Two weeks of hell. She’d just endured fourteen days of misery and she wasn’t sure she could take it anymore. She hadn’t felt this bad after her divorce.
The front door opened and in walked the wine girls. All of them. She glanced at the clock. She’d appealed to Kristen less than twenty minutes ago and now help had arrived. She laughed through the tears that started to fall.
All of them looked like they’d just been dragged from bed, tugging on whatever clothes they could find and pinning their hair up haphazardly. Hell, Georgie was still in her pajamas.
Kristen looked at Shelly. “Go grab some glasses from the kitchen.”
Zoey produced some orange juice, while Kristen popped the cork on a bottle of champagne.
“Mimosas?” Laura asked.
Kristen shrugged. “Thought the moment required something special.”
“A nervous breakdown requires something special?” Laura asked.
Georgie perched on her usual spot on the ottoman. “I suggested stronger over special, but Kristen wouldn’t be swayed. Plus Shelly had the champagne on hand and I’m out of tequila.”
Everyone sat down as Shelly poured and handed out the drinks. Laura felt a bit embarrassed for calling them, but so very, very grateful she’d been blessed with such amazing friends.
“So what’s up?” Kristen said, getting straight to the heart of the matter.
“I can’t sleep anymore. Keep waking up at two a.m. having these damn panic attacks. Yesterday I burst into tears watching one of those S.P.C.A commercials, the ones with the sad music playing.”
“Those are brutal,” Shelly said. “They make me cry too.”
“I sobbed uncontrollably for thirty minutes.”
“Oh.” Shelly bit her lower lip. “Damn.”
Laura laughed, though tears filled her eyes. “I know.”
Georgie leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “What about your second-chance goal? You’ve been having so much fun. I thought everything was going great.”
Laura shrugged. “I’ve done some amazing things this year, but I don’t think any of it helped.”
Kristen shook her head. “Your problem is you set the wrong goal. You didn’t want to find the Laura you used to be. You wanted to figure out who this Laura is. The one who’s not a mom or a wife.”
Laura leaned back against the couch. She’d come to that same realization a month ago. “You’re right.”
Zoey took a sip of her orange juice. “So have you figured it out?”
Had she? Laura tried to decide if she was in better shape this year. It didn’t take her two seconds to realize she wasn’t. “Not really. I thought I was close to getting my life in order, but it all fell apart a couple weeks ago.”
Laura hadn’t told her friends about the arguments with Katie and Bryan. She’d been too embarrassed and ashamed of herself to talk about it. Instead she had gone to work, then come home and holed up in her apartment every night. She’d skipped one wine night under the pretense of having a headache. Then last Thursday, she had put on makeup and a fake smile and held her breath throughout the entire happy hour, pretending everything was fine when inside she was dying a million deaths.
Shelly glanced at Laura. “What happened two weeks ago?”
The answer was simple. “I screwed everything up with Katie and Bryan.”
Kristen scoffed. “God, Katie. Sometimes I just want to shake that girl. Your daughter is an adult. She’s responsible for her own life, Laura. You can’t live yours to suit her.”
Laura nodded. “Part of me knows you’re right, but the mother side is stronger. Parents aren’t supposed to make their children unhappy. It’s my job to comfort her, to take care of her. Instead all I do is hurt her.”
Josie nodded. “I understand that. I worried a lot about what my divorce would do to Tommy. I was luckier than you because he was only four when Tony and I split. He doesn’t really remember a time when his dad and I were together.”
“Katie loves her dad.”
Shelly leaned closer. “She love you too, Laura.”
Laura remembered Katie’s comment at the restaurant. She’d told Laura she wasn’t her mother anymore. Laura reached for a tissue, wiping her eyes. She couldn’t believe there were still tears left inside her. She’d shed an ocean’s worth in the past two weeks. Hell, in the past year.
“I was so an
xious to reinvent myself that I failed to see what that would do to Katie. I’d already yanked her family apart, upset the norm of the holidays, then suddenly I’m opting for a new look, dating a new guy, and doing things completely out of character. It’s no wonder she flipped out on me.”
“She flipped out?” Shelly asked.
Laura nodded, her chest tight with the memory of that night.
Kristen frowned. “You’re still her mother, regardless of all that. I think your problem is you’ve let your guilt stop you from acting like a mother. When she acted like a brat when she was little, what did you do?”
Laura shrugged. “I explained to her why her behavior was inappropriate and then I sent her to her room until she stopped being naughty.”
“That’s right. You corrected her. You told her she was being bad and you made sure she stopped. Katie’s been acting like a grade A bitch since the divorce, but rather than yell at her or tell her get her act together, you’ve tiptoed around her like she was made of porcelain and you’ve let her get away with treating you like shit.”
Laura considered that. She had always been a straight shooter with her kids, refusing to be one of those enabling mothers who made excuses for her children. If Kevin or Katie did something wrong, she called them to task for it. Had she let her guilt overshadow her ability to be the kind of mother Katie needed?
Laura looked at Josie. As the only other mother in the group, she needed to know if Kristen was offering her good advice. “Do you think that’s right?”
“Yeah,” Josie said. “I really do.”
Georgie nodded. “So that problem’s easy to solve. You call Katie and clear the air.”
Laura laughed sadly. “That’s easy?”
Georgie grinned. “It will be for you. You’re very good at speaking your mind when it’s something you feel strongly about.”
Laura took Georgie’s words as a compliment, recognizing the truth of her statement. “My filter started failing around forty.”
Zoey ran her finger around the rim of her glass. “So what’s wrong with Bryan? I noticed he hasn’t been coming over lately, but I thought maybe he was out of town for work.”
