I nod. I agree with her. Just not the bit about Archie.
‘I need to find my way to the parlour.’
Alice brightens. ‘Are you going to find Archie?’
‘Nope.’ I down the remainder of my cocktail. I’m going to find Tom, tell him how I feel – about him and Archie – and hopefully snog his gorgeous face off before we live happily ever after.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Alice is reluctant to give me directions for the parlour without knowing the details of my plan, but I ask her to trust me, which thankfully she does, and I find myself peering around the doorway. There are several games going, with five or six men seated around the tables. The room is pretty much silent, apart from the clink of plastic chips joining the piles in the centre of the table, and the odd murmur as bets are made.
I can see Archie at the table closest to me, though I’m glad he’s facing away from the door and doesn’t spot me lurking. Tom is at a table further into the room, playing against Teddy, Piers, Roderick and Ned. He seems deep in concentration as his eyes flick from his cards to his fellow players, but he looks up and sees me watching, whether due to some instinct or pure coincidence. I hang back, not wanting to interrupt – or to leave myself in Archie’s view – and wait until Tom can break away from the game.
‘Sorry about being late before,’ I whisper as I pull Tom aside. ‘I couldn’t get rid of Archie.’
‘It’s okay. I’d have waited longer, but Piers was about to explode from impatience.’ Tom smiles, and he looks so handsome, I want to smooch his face off right now, right here in the corridor. But Tom still thinks I’m cheating on Archie, so we need to clear this matter up, and fast.
‘Have you got time for a quick word?’
Tom nods. ‘Ned says we should have a break. I think it’s due to the fact he’s already twenty quid down.’ He laughs. ‘Where do you want to go?’
I’d quite like to sprint over to Tom’s cottage to make up for the last year of celibacy, but I force myself to calm down.
‘We can go to the library?’ It’s one of the few rooms I now know the whereabouts of in the castle, so I lead the way. I’m jittery with nerves, wondering what will happen next; will Tom declare he feels the same way as me, or not? I’m half-dreading, half-anticipating either option.
The library is, as I suspected it would be, completely empty. I switch on the lights before sitting down at the window seat, patting the space beside me. Tom sits down, his hands wringing in his lap.
‘First of all, I think I should explain. About Lydia.’
‘You don’t have to.’ That Tom is no longer involved with another woman is enough for me, but Tom shakes his head.
‘I want to. You were so open with me last night, and I feel I can be open with you too.’ He looks at me questioningly, and I nod my head. He takes a deep breath, his hands still working away. ‘As you know, I was engaged, to Lydia, my ex. I loved her so much and thought we were going to live happily ever after.’ I hear him laugh, but he isn’t amused. ‘We got engaged last summer, found out Lydia was pregnant soon after.’ The scan photo. Of course. But we can still make this work. ‘Life was pretty perfect, but we both know life is never that simple, don’t we?’
Oh, God. What happened? I swallow hard against the nausea that’s starting to build up as I nod.
‘She’d been seeing someone else. Some married bloke from work. It’d been going on for months, apparently. She told me about him just before Christmas. He’d left his wife and they were going to live together. She was leaving me for him. Leaving with our baby.’
I’m stunned into silence, but I reach for Tom’s hand. It feels warm in mine. Safe.
‘She said the baby might not be mine.’ Tom’s voice, sudden in the stillness, makes me start. ‘It could be his. She never said so, but I know she hoped it was. That the three of them could make a fresh start without any complications.’
‘That must have been tough.’ To have everything one minute, and the possibility of losing it again the next.
‘We had to wait until he was born to find out. Six months in no man’s land. Six months of not knowing whether I was still going to be a dad or whether that was going to be snatched away from me too. I tried my hardest not to hope, but I couldn’t help it. He’d been mine for just a few weeks, but I loved him as though I’d known him for ever.’
My heart aches for him, but I can’t seem to offer more than a gentle squeeze of his hand. I wish I was the kind of person who could offer words of comfort to him, but I’ve spent my whole life shying away from emotions. But I want to be better. To connect on an emotional level, to be there for him and to let him be there for me too.
‘I wasn’t allowed to go to the scans or the birth. That was his job now. Lydia texted me when the baby was born. Tyler. Eight pounds two.’ Tom smiles, but it’s edged with pain. ‘I met him when he was six days old, and he was perfect.’
‘Was he…?’ Yours?
‘We did the test that same day. Lydia wanted it over and done with. I was happy to wait, to hold on to the possibility for just a bit longer.’ He clears his throat and I inch a bit closer, my grip firmer on his hand. ‘The test was easy. Too easy. It should be complicated, shouldn’t it? The unravelling of somebody’s world? But no, it was a simple thirty-second job, then send it off and wait. The waiting was the hard bit. Agonising. Lydia let me see him a couple of times. At the time, I thought it was a great kindness. Now I’m not so sure.’
My other hand is at my mouth, my eyes squeezed closed.
‘He wasn’t mine. Never had been, not even for those first few weeks.’
My heart sinks, and I can only imagine the pain Tom must be going through. I wish I could take it away from him, but how do you fix something like that?
‘He’s six weeks old now. I try not to think about him.’
I hate that I’ve conjured up the memories, that I’ve ripped open the wound before it could heal. That I’ve left Tom raw and exposed. Why did I have to pick up that photo?
‘I was so angry. With everything. Everyone. Constantly.’
I remember the Tom from just a few days ago. I thought he was a bit of an arsehole, but he was hurting. Grieving. I feel callous for intruding on his life, stampeding through it without a thought for Tom and what he might be going through.
‘Being in this place – with its happy couples, so hopeful for the life they’re about to start, a life that was taken away from me – it’s been torture. I’ve felt like screaming in the middle of the woods some days. I couldn’t stand seeing people so happy, knowing how it could all be taken away in a second. And I didn’t think it was fair that they got to have their weddings and I didn’t. How selfish does that make me?’
‘I don’t think you’re selfish in the slightest. I think you’re strong. Brave. Amazing to get through all that without cracking.’
‘Oh, I’ve cracked.’ Tom smiles at me, but his eyes are dejected. ‘I’ve cried, screamed, thrown things.’ He lifts our hands, still entwined. ‘I even punched a wall or two.’
I use my free hand to rub at Tom’s, as though the physical pain is still there and I can soothe it with a magic touch.
‘When Lydia left, even before I knew the baby wasn’t mine, I vowed to never put my heart back out there. It wasn’t worth it. Having your heart shattered into a million pieces allows you to see more clearly.’
Finally, I’ve found someone who’s singing from the same hymn sheet as me. Someone who doesn’t subscribe to Alice’s sunshiney, isn’t-the-world-a-marvellous-place-full-of-happiness mentality. I should feel victorious, but I feel hollow.
‘And then you showed up, with your big gob, dragging me into the celebrations I was trying my hardest to avoid. I wanted to be left alone, but you always seemed to be there, involving me.’
All right, all right. There’s no need to make me feel even more of a cow than I already do.
‘Thank you, Emily.’
You what?
‘These pas
t few days have been so much fun, even if I tried to resist. You’ve shown me that life can be good, if I just let myself be open again. Do you know how bloody tiring it is being miserable all the time? Especially when you’re surrounded by blissful couples and wedding cake?’
Try living with love-aholic Alice, I think.
‘Lydia really messed me up for a while, but I need to start learning to trust again. To not think everyone is going to lie to me and make a fool out of me.’
I think of Archie, and the way I’ve tricked not just Alice, but everyone. Including Tom. How can I tell him it was all a big farce now? That he should never have trusted me from the start?
But equally, how can I continue to lie to him?
Chapter Thirty-Five
I had a rubbish night’s sleep, tossing and turning while thoughts of Tom, Alice and Archie flashed through my mind. I didn’t go back down to the pool room to continue the hen night revelry as my mind was mashed and I needed a bit of space to think. Unfortunately, my early night has done nothing for me and I’m still as confused as ever.
I must have dropped off at some point, because when I wake just after six, Alice’s bed is empty. There’s a note letting me know she’s had to go off to the bridal suite for wedding prep, but she’ll try and pop back later.
I don’t see Alice until mid-morning, after I’ve showered and tried to eat a stack of fluffy, American-style pancakes. My stomach is churning too much to eat, so I simply push the food around my plate until I give up the pretence and return to my room. I’ve been sitting on the bed ever since, attempting to read the historical romance Tom mocked earlier in the week, but I keep rereading the same two lines over and over again. I’m relieved when I hear the door opening and I can put an end to the charade and put the book down on the bedside table.
‘Hello!’ Alice’s head pops around the door, revealing a mass of giant pink rollers. ‘I have a visitor to see you.’
My stomach churns. I’ve been dreading seeing Archie again now I know what he’s really like behind the charming veneer, but it isn’t Archie who steps into the room behind Alice.
‘Ta da!’ She presents her guest with an elaborate flourish, as though she’s one of the dolly birds from one of the gameshows Aunt D used to watch, showing off the prize up for grabs.
‘What are you doing here?’ I scrabble off the bed and pull Kevin into a hug, which surprises us both as I’m not always the most tactile of people. I think this is the most contact I’ve had with my colleague, but I’m so pleased to see a familiar face.
‘I phoned him last night and asked him to come.’ Alice wraps her arm around his waist and kisses his cheek. ‘I missed him too much, and he should be here. You were right.’
‘I was?’
Alice nods. ‘I can’t risk losing him. It’s time I was brave and faced my family. Kevin will no longer be my dirty secret.’ She grins at Kevin’s mock-outraged face. ‘We’re going to live happily ever after, mister. Now we just have to convince Emily to do the same.’
I open my mouth to speak, but there’s a knock at the door and Carolyn barges her way into the room with a heavy sigh.
‘Thank God you’re here. Can I hide out in your room for a bit? Francelia is doing my head in. She’s like a woman possessed! I only managed to escape because she was too distracted by her to-do list within her to-do list.’ She holds up the bottle she’s carrying in her hand. ‘I have champagne. Good stuff too. Ooh, hello. Who is this?’ Carolyn appraises Kevin before turning to me with her eyes wide and her lips pressed together. ‘You sly horse, Emily. You never mentioned you had a friend.’
‘Oh no.’ I shake my head emphatically. ‘He isn’t…’ My eyes flit from Alice to Kevin and back again, willing one of them to step in and help a girl out. ‘He’s nothing to do with me.’
Kevin laughs as he dumps his overnight bag on Alice’s bed. ‘Charming. You know, you could really dent a guy’s ego.’ He takes a step towards Carolyn and holds out a hand. ‘I’m Kevin Jackson.’
‘He’s my boyfriend.’
All eyes turn to Alice. All of them are wide saucers of shock.
‘Your boyfriend?’ Carolyn is the first to speak. ‘Since when do you have a boyfriend?’
Alice is toying with the rollers in her hair and doing her best to avoid eye contact with any of us. ‘Since last summer?’ The answer comes out as a question, as though Carolyn would know.
‘Last summer?’ Carolyn sucks in a breath. ‘Why am I only hearing about this now?’
‘I thought Francelia might stick her beak in and ruin it for me.’ Alice finally looks at Kevin, checking his reaction. He doesn’t look happy, but he also doesn’t appear to be hopping mad. He’s heard it all before, though I don’t think he quite gets the dynamic between Alice and her family. I’m not sure I get it entirely myself, but what do I know about how a family should function? ‘You know what she’s like. She’s always interfering to the point we end up splitting up.’
‘But I’m not Francelia.’ Carolyn’s eyebrows are pulled down low, her mouth a straight line. The delighted Carolyn of a few moments ago has vanished before our eyes. ‘You could have told me. I’m your sister. We tell each other everything.’
Alice looks pained. She opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out, so she closes it again. Carolyn takes Alice’s hands in hers and gives them a squeeze.
‘Don’t let her take this away from you. You deserve to be happy.’ She releases her grip and turns to Kevin, extending a hand. ‘Hello, Kevin. Welcome to the family.’
‘Get out while you can,’ I say out of the corner of my mouth. ‘They’re all crackers.’
Everybody laughs, though I’m not sure I was joking.
‘Hello, Carolyn. I’ve heard all about you. Sorry about crashing your wedding.’
Carolyn waves his words away. ‘The more the merrier. I’m sure we can find room for my sister’s boyfriend. Shall we have a little celebratory drink?’ She waggles the bottle of champagne. ‘But just a little one, to settle my nerves.’ She bites her lip. ‘You won’t let me get pissed, will you, girls?’
Alice takes the bottle. ‘One small glass. That’s it. No more shall pass our lips. Right, Emily?’
I’m only allowed a small glass too?
I never agreed to that.
‘One small glass,’ I say begrudgingly. I’m sure I can work my way through the rest of the bottle when they leave to get ready for the wedding, because Francelia absolutely will catch up with them eventually.
‘We need glasses.’ Alice places the bottle down on the dressing table. ‘Someone will have to go down to the kitchen without getting caught by Francelia.’ She gives a decisive nod. ‘I will accept this mission. I’m feeling brave today.’ She grins at Kevin before scurrying down to the kitchen.
‘What took you so long to get here?’ Alice asks once the drinks have been poured. We each have what must amount to a thimbleful of champagne in our glasses.
Kevin rolls his eyes. ‘I had to endure forty minutes with Mrs Hodgkinson from next door. I only popped round to ask if she’d keep an eye on Carrot, but I ended up being roped into tea. And cake. And more tea.’ Kevin shrugs and tips the tiny measure of champagne down his throat. ‘It wasn’t so bad, actually. Even if I did have to hear all about her hanging baskets of Babylon for eternity.’
‘Poor baby.’ Alice starts to stroke Kevin’s face, but she jumps back when there’s a sharp rap at the door. Alice and Carolyn share a look of resignation, and their fears are confirmed when Alice opens the door.
‘There you are.’ I almost expect to see a bolt of lightning flash above Francelia as she stands in the doorway, her face even more stony than usual. ‘The stylist has been waiting for you for twenty minutes. Come!’ She’s so busy ticking the task off her agenda she doesn’t seem to notice Kevin at all. It’s the perfect opportunity for Alice to draw attention to him and make the introductions, but she keeps schtum.
‘Come. On.’ Francelia sighs as she aims a death glare a
t Carolyn. ‘You.’ She points at Alice with her pen. ‘You need to be down in the bridal suite in ten minutes. Got it?’
‘Yes, ma’am.’ Alice salutes, but quickly removes her hand as Francelia’s glare turns glacial. ‘Sorry. I’ll be there.’ She grabs hold of Kevin’s hand once Francelia has marched from the room, Carolyn scuttling behind her. ‘I’m so sorry. I chickened out.’
‘I can see why.’ Kevin puffs out his cheeks. ‘Man, she’s scary when she wants to be.’
‘I will tell them, soon.’ Alice wraps her arms around Kevin’s waist and pulls him in. ‘I promise.’
I excuse myself and slip into the bathroom as they start to kiss, sneaking the bottle of champagne in with me and pouring another cheeky glass.
I can hear the organ music as I hover outside the chapel. I look the part of wedding guest in my navy-blue, layered shift dress and metallic strappy sandals, my hair gathered into a messy but chic bun, but I feel like a fraud. My fingers reach for the bow detail to the side of the halterneck collar, twitching nervously at the material. It didn’t occur to me until I arrived at the chapel that I was going to have to attend this wedding solo. Alice, as bridesmaid, will be on duty at the front, and Kevin is already inside, sandwiched between Carolyn’s old friends as she’s told everyone he’s a friend from work, someone who’d been on the same training scheme in Denmark (which would explain why nobody had met him before). As a ‘friend of Carolyn’, he’s further up the hierarchy of guests than I am, and is sitting accordingly. I plan to sneak into the back pew and hope nobody pays any attention to Billy-No-Mates, but I haven’t gathered the courage to step inside yet.
I’m still dithering when Archie approaches, but his gaze doesn’t even flicker towards me. He saunters towards the chapel’s doors with the neutral air of a catwalk model. The great knobhead.
‘Hello, Emily.’
I look over my shoulder and see Tom striding towards me. I feel my eyes widening but put a stop to it immediately. He looks so good in a navy, three-piece suit tailored to perfection.
The Wedding that Changed Everything Page 25
