by Louise Guy
Phyllie rose as Hannah re-entered the room. ‘Amy, why don’t you come out the back with me? Toby needs to be fed, and I think you and I could manage that between us.’ She glanced across to Sue. ‘Perhaps we could do the cake a little later?’
Sue nodded, and Nat watched as Amy followed Phyllie through to the kitchen to prepare the cocker spaniel’s dinner. Cold, angry eyes met hers when she glanced at Hannah. It appeared her phone call had done nothing to cool her anger over the horse-riding discussion. Nat silently counted how many seconds it would take before Hannah exploded.
Exactly four.
‘Why did you do that? You know why I don’t want her on a horse. Jesus, I hardly have to spell it out.’
Nat rolled her eyes. ‘Oh, come on. The likelihood of her having an accident is slim. She’ll be under supervision and wearing a helmet. It’s not a big deal. You worry too much.’
Hannah closed her eyes, rubbing her hand against her forehead. ‘How can you be so flippant about it after what happened?’
‘Mum was unlucky,’ Nat said. ‘In all your facts and figures, how many of the twenty who die each year are thrown from their horse because a snake bites it?’
‘You don’t have to be thrown, just falling off and hitting your head can be enough to kill you.’
‘You’re being ridiculous. You let her go in the car every day, yet according to you, one thousand one hundred and forty-six people died last year in car accidents in Australia. Does that mean you’re irresponsible for allowing her in the car? And you let her eat. Didn’t you say death by choking was up seventeen percent? Perhaps we should start pureeing her food?’
Hannah opened her mouth and closed it again. She turned away momentarily and shook her head before turning back to Nat. ‘You’re not a parent. You sail along in life only having to look after yourself, and from what you’ve told us tonight about being fired again, you can’t even do that successfully. Don’t tell me how to parent my child and don’t undermine me like that in front of her.’
Nat pushed her chair back. There was no point trying to have a discussion with Hannah. She managed to get in as many digs at Nat as possible. ‘You know, Phyllie’s right. She said we are here for a celebration of Mum’s life, not an argument. How about you respect that?’
‘Me? This is a discussion and, if anything, I’m voicing exactly what Mum would say.’
Damien cleared his throat. ‘David and Sue didn’t invite us here tonight to listen to you two arguing. Hannah and I will clear the table and do the dishes while you all relax by the fire.’
Nat didn’t look at Hannah as she made her way out of the room. It was on nights like this she wished her mother was still alive. She would love confirmation that Hannah was in fact her sister. If she’d been told she was adopted, or they had different fathers, life would make a lot more sense.
Nat didn’t retreat to the family room as Damien had suggested, instead she checked that Phyllie and Amy had returned from feeding Toby before letting herself out of the back door and into the large courtyard that led to her father’s lush green lawn. Toby was at her side immediately as she shivered, wishing she’d put her coat on first. She picked up the ball Toby dropped at her feet and threw it across the dark lawn, watching as the cocker spaniel rushed after it. She let out a deep breath, tears pricking her eyes. She had enough to deal with today without Hannah adding to it.
She froze as the back door opened and footsteps followed after her. She needed time by herself right now. She turned, fury rising within her as Hannah approached her. She wasn’t going to put up with any more of her attitude and criticisms tonight. ‘Leave me alone. I’ve got a lot on my mind and I’m really not interested in arguing with you again.’
Hannah put her hands up. ‘This isn’t the night to be arguing about anything. We’ve all got a lot going on and need to set it aside as best we can for Dad’s sake, if nothing else.’
How about for my sake? Nat thought as she stared at her sister. How about an apology?
‘It’s freezing out here.’ Hannah wrapped her arms around herself. ‘Why don’t you come back in by the fire?’
‘And wait for you to remind me again that I’m not a parent so I can’t have an opinion or to take your next dig at me?’
‘Dig?’
‘Yes, that I should have known better than to take a client home. That I’m constantly disappointing everyone. Have you got any idea how belittling it is? How embarrassed I am to have to tell you all?’ Nat’s cheeks flamed with heat as she spat the words at Hannah.
Hannah shook her head. ‘I worry about you, that’s all. I guess I want to make you see things my way sometimes. That some of the situations you put yourself in are avoidable.’
‘I know they are, Hannah. It’s not like I go out deliberately looking to sabotage my job or my life. But when someone’s in need I’m not going to turn them away. I’ll deal with the consequences.’
‘But surely . . .’
This time Nat held up her hand. ‘No, you listen for once. I don’t need your suggestions or your risk assessment of my actions. I just need you to let me live my life. My stuff-ups have no impact on you at all. I’m not asking you for somewhere to live or for money to get by on. I’m actually not asking you for anything, particularly not your opinion. I know what that is before you even open your mouth.’
Hannah’s phone rang, distracting her. Her face paled as she looked at the screen, switched it off and slipped it back into her pocket. Something was definitely going on, Nat thought. Hannah was unusually flustered.
She cleared her throat and returned her gaze to Nat. ‘You’re wrong.’
‘Of course I am.’ Nat marched past Hannah towards the back door. ‘I’m always wrong, according to you.’
Hannah grabbed her arm, stopping her before she could disappear inside. Her voice was gentle. ‘I meant you’re wrong that your problems don’t have any impact on me. Of course they do. I just want what’s best for you.’
Nat shook Hannah’s hand off her arm. ‘No, you want to control me, just like you do with Amy and Damien. You want us all to conform to how life should be lived according to Hannah. That’s never going to happen with me, you should have worked that out by now. However, the one thing I will agree with you on is tonight. We both need to put on our best behaviour for Dad’s sake. Tonight is supposed to be about Mum, about celebrating her life.’ She didn’t wait for Hannah’s reaction, but opened the door and let herself back inside.
When Hannah returned to the family room she gave Nat a nod and a tight smile. Her signal that she agreed to behave for their father’s sake.
At Sue’s insistence they always played Carmel’s favourite game before the cake was cut. The mood shifted to a much lighter one and laughter increased in volume as each round of charades passed.
When it was her turn, Nat took a deep breath and put her hand into the small bag. She was partnered with Damien and Amy and was the last in her team to act out a title. With the two teams tied it would be down to her attempt.
She glanced at the paper and shot Sue, who’d compiled the titles, a dirty look. Fifty Shades of Grey? How was she supposed to act that out when there was an eleven-year-old in the room?
Sue’s eyes twinkled. Nat could only imagine what other book and film titles were in the selection.
She went through the motions of acting out that it was a film and book, and was able to convey the word grey by pointing at the chair her father was sitting in.
‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ Amy piped up, silencing the room.
Nat clapped a hand over her mouth, unable to contain her laughter. She hardly dared look at Hannah. When she did, her sister’s face was exactly as she’d expected. Her mouth open, her cheeks flushed.
‘Where did you hear about that book?’ Hannah asked.
Amy looked confused. ‘Book? I thought it was a movie.’
‘It’s both,’ Phyllie volunteered. ‘And I can say I thoroughly enjoyed each version. I’ve just read that lo
vely author’s new book too and loved it. It’s exactly the type of literature a woman of my age should be reading.’ She winked. ‘Takes me back down memory lane it does.’
Nat’s laughter escaped, and she bent double trying to get her breath back. ‘Sorry,’ she managed once she was upright again. ‘Just a bit unexpected.’
‘I’ll say,’ Damien murmured.
‘So, the movie then,’ Hannah prompted Amy. ‘How did you hear about it?’
‘It’s on Amazon Prime. Let’s watch it on Saturday night when Dad’s at his poker game. A lot of the girls at school talk about it. I think I’m the only one who hasn’t seen it.’
Phyllie clapped her hands together. ‘And I think those girls might be pulling your leg, Ames. Now, we might declare Amy’s team the winners and cut the cake and make some tea. Something sweet would go down very nicely right now.’
They followed her through to the kitchen.
‘Poker’s this Saturday?’ Nat asked Damien as Sue took the cover off the decadent white chocolate mud cake she’d ordered specially for the celebration.
He placed his empty beer bottle on the kitchen bench and nodded. ‘We’ve got a spare seat, if you’re interested. It’s Texas Hold ’Em. You remember how to play, don’t you?’
Nat nodded. Damien had invited her once before to his poker night. She’d lost the fifty dollars she’d taken with her, but it was a fun night with great company.
Hannah interrupted. ‘Nat probably shouldn’t be wasting money on something like that right now.’
Nat opened her mouth, about to tell her that she’d make her own decisions and didn’t need Hannah’s opinion, but shut it again. She thought for a moment. As much as she hated to admit it, Hannah was right, she’d just lost her job and couldn’t afford to lose any of her money playing poker.
Phyllie appeared to sense her hesitation. ‘Do you know how to play, love?’
‘I do, but just the basics. I don’t know the strategy, assuming there is one.’
‘If you spend some time with me beforehand, you won’t lose.’ Phyllie winked. ‘Been playing Hold ’Em, as it used to be called, since the sixties. I’ve a few tricks up my sleeve. Come over on Friday and take a look at the spare room. We can work out the new living arrangement and I’ll give you some pointers. I’m also happy to invest in your night out on Saturday so you can enjoy it without worrying about what you lose. No arguments to any of that.’
Nat smiled. There didn’t seem to be anything Phyllie hadn’t experienced. ‘I appreciate the offer, but I wouldn’t want to lose your money.’
‘You won’t lose if you follow my instructions. If it makes you feel better you can pay me back my investment from your winnings. Now, I’ll be working in the charity shop until two on Friday, but you’re welcome after that. We can have an early dinner together and get used to being housemates.’
‘Sounds perfect.’ And it would be. Regardless of the poker, Saturday night hanging out with a group of hot paramedics wasn’t something she was going to turn down in a hurry. She grinned and turned to Damien. ‘I’d love to come. Thank you.’
Sue lit the two candles on the cake, a five and an eight.
‘I can’t believe she would have been fifty-eight.’ Unshed tears glistened in Hannah’s eyes, bringing a lump to Nat’s throat.
It was the same every year. No matter how the evening unfolded, the mood always shifted when the cake was cut. The number on it each year seemed to jolt something in all of them. A melancholy settled over the room as they went through the motions of singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
It was also the moment when Nat wondered how life might have been if things had been different; if her mother hadn’t celebrated her fortieth birthday on the back of a horse; if she hadn’t died and had been there to guide them into adulthood. Would she be such a disaster if she’d had her mother to confide in and accept advice from? Unfortunately, it was something she would wonder about each year as they cut the cake but knew she’d never receive an answer.
Chapter Five
Hannah lapsed into thought as she and Amy drove home from her father’s. Another year had passed, and another celebration of her mother’s life was over. She was glad it was over too. On top of Phyllie’s annoyance with her, being in the same room as her sister often felt suffocating. While on the one hand she felt sorry for Nat having lost her job and needing to find a new place to live, it didn’t excuse Nat always trying to show her up in front of her entire family. She was sick of it. She spoke of Hannah taking digs at her, yet she was happy to dish out as many as she could muster. Zane Fox’s constant ringing and texting hadn’t helped either. She’d ended up turning her phone off. She’d message him and try and get rid of him once she was on her own later.
Hannah turned into the driveway and pulled up alongside Damien’s blue SUV in their double garage.
She switched off the engine and turned to Amy. ‘Grab your bag and let’s head inside. It’s late. I’d like you to go straight in and have a shower and get ready for bed, okay?’
‘But we have to talk about the horse riding. Dad said we’d do that as soon as we got home.’
‘No, he said we would talk about it at home, not as soon as we got home.’
Amy kicked the back of the front car seat. ‘That’s not fair.’
Hannah held up her hand. ‘Dad and I will discuss it, but if you’re going to act like that, I can tell you what the answer is straightaway. You’re eleven, as you keep reminding me, and kicking things and having tantrums to get your own way isn’t going to work.’
Amy opened her mouth, appeared to think better of it, and closed it again. She pushed open the car door and disappeared through the internal access and into the house.
Damien appeared in the garage. ‘You okay?’
Hannah loved her husband for those two little words. He knew her better than anyone, and could probably tell from her face that she was tired and not in the mood for anything else tonight.
She mustered a smile. ‘Big day, and Amy’s not too happy with me.’
They walked through to the warm wood tones of the country-style kitchen, and after putting her bag in the nook she’d had specially designed to ensure clutter was contained, Hannah pulled out a stool from the island bench and sank on to it.
Damien picked up Amy’s school bag from the kitchen table where she’d left it. He unzipped the bag and removed her lunchbox and drink bottle. ‘What was with your phone tonight? Martin doesn’t normally contact you after hours.’
‘Problem with a client.’ Hannah avoided her husband’s gaze.
‘Really? It’s unusual that they’d expect so much after-hours attention.’
Nausea swirled in her belly. ‘They’re worth a lot, and if we want to keep them then Martin needs to be available. He’s been keeping me up to date, that’s all. I’ll sort it out tomorrow.’
Damien raised an eyebrow. ‘Martin’s your boss, can’t he deal with a problem client himself?’
Hannah hesitated; she hated lying to her husband. ‘Usually, but as it’s one of my clients he’s keeping me in the loop. I’d prefer not to talk about it, if that’s okay. It’s been a hard day and I’m done in.’
‘I assume Amy added to that on the way home by badgering you about the horse riding?’
‘That and after-school care. She wants to be allowed to come home by herself.’
‘Fair enough.’
‘What?’
Damien looked up from the lunchbox he was removing empty packaging from. ‘It’s pretty normal for kids to walk home and look after themselves in the afternoon.’
‘But things are different now. There are so many more dangers and predators. Kids aren’t safe like they used to be.’
He smiled.
‘What? Are you saying I’m wrong?’
He put Amy’s lunchbox in the drying rack and came around and sat on a stool next to Hannah. He took her hands in his. ‘Yes, I am.’
She pulled her hands away from him. ‘And w
hat do you base your finding on?’
Damien pushed his fingers through his thick black hair. ‘I don’t think much has changed at all. Predators were around when we were kids and accidents happened. Social media is the difference. Back then, you only heard about those things if it was your school or near your home. Now you hear about everything from every part of the world. It’s surprising anyone goes out at all with the dangers we’re supposedly all facing.’
‘Not supposedly, Damien – they’re real dangers.’
‘With very low percentages actually affecting you. You need to live life, not be scared to venture out of your comfort zone. That’s what we should be teaching Amy, not that she needs to be scared of everything.’
‘So, you want her to come home to an empty house?’
‘I didn’t say I want her to; I’m saying I don’t have an issue with it.’
Hannah shook her head. ‘I imagine you’re also going to say she should go horse riding too?’
Damien smiled. ‘Yes, that’s exactly what I’m going to say.’
‘But my mother died from riding. That proves it’s dangerous.’
‘That proves she was unlucky and, to be honest, irresponsible. If she’d been wearing a helmet, things could have ended up very different. She hit her unprotected head on a rock. That’s the lesson we need to drill into Amy. To wear protective clothing and helmets when riding horses or bikes. To think about risk and minimise it.’
‘Not doing it eliminates it.’
‘You can’t continue to wrap her in cotton wool. I know you’re doing it because you love her, but you’ll end up pushing her away and causing her to rebel. What are you going to do when she’s old enough to drive? Refuse to let her get her learner’s permit? Ban her from getting her licence? And what about when her friends have their licences, are you going to stop her going in their cars?’
Hannah didn’t respond. Yes, yes and yes was what she wanted to say but she also knew he had a point. She might only be eleven now, but she was growing up and was going to push beyond Hannah’s comfort level.
‘You can’t control everything, Han. It’s just not possible. Sometimes you need to relax and allow situations to unfold as they’re supposed to. Without interference.’ He hesitated for a moment.
