I thought about if the baby turned out to be Roger's. Maybe after nine months of time Roger and I could get it back together, if it is his child.
I realized my future would probably be put on hold for the next nine months, and until I knew who's baby I carried, I probably shouldn't make any decisions at all. Nine months would pass before I knew it, but it was also a long time. Emotions would come and go, I could see where things were with both men when the time came.
I guess that meant all I could do right now was wait and see. Wait and see how my relationships went with both men over the next nine months, wait and see whose baby it turned out to be. And for this very minute, to wait and see whenever the damn doctor would get in here and tell me something.
I knew I took a low priority to most things in an Emergency Room on a Saturday night, but hell, it was a high priority to me. To me the doctor's words would be life or death. The literal life or death of my baby and my future.
I felt the panic sneak up on me again, and the tears threaten to fall. I gave into them for a few minutes, letting myself cry all alone in my curtained room, for the unknown and for the stress of not only tonight but of the past few weeks.
After a bit, I turned my thoughts to Jessica and her story, just to kill some more time waiting on this fucking doctor to announce my fate.
Wow, now she'd had it bad. I knew from listening to her and watching her face as she spoke and jumped around in her story, that we only got the most basic look into her life back then. I agreed that had they killed her step dad, she would not be where she was now, owning and running what looked to be a very successful S&M club. I had to wonder though, if it hadn't been for her upbringing, would a life in the sex trade really be something she would have aimed for?
Probably not, but I was glad she had made it work for her. Maybe dominating men gave her some peace and control over her past? Or maybe she would have always gravitated toward that, who knows?
It felt kind of good though, to know the answers to questions the entire rest of the country had no clue about- what ever happened to Claudia Russell?
The nurse stuck her head in to check on me, saying the doctor was still going to be a while, it had gotten busy out there again.
I nodded, knowing that was really the only action left to me anyway. I was stuck here, alone, in a gown with an open back. I certainly wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. I sighed, wondering if the next nine months was going to be just like this, a lot of waiting and wondering.
When she left again, I grabbed my phone. I figured some mind numbing Candy Crush would help pass the time.
I was surprised to see I had missed a call, and touched it to see who had tried to get in touch with me during all of this.
It said the missed call was from Roger, and he had left a voice mail. I put the phone down, taking another deep breath or two, wondering if his message was really something I wanted or need to hear right now.
Probably not, but I knew it would bug me if I didn't listen. Since I was alone I picked the phone back up and hit play.
Chapter 44
Some Answers
"I'm torn." Roger's voice says in my ear. "I'm torn because I want so very badly to apologize to you, but my mind says that is stupid. I didn't sleep with anyone else while we were apart. But, we were apart, and when you aren't with someone, who you sleep with isn't anyone's business, except, well... it was Caleb, and..."
I heard him sigh into the mouthpiece, and then start again.
"And now you are pregnant."
I could feel the torture in his voice, it was similar to what I had been going through for a while now.
"Look, I still love you. As much as I don't want to right now, and as much harder this is...or easier? I don't know. I'm not making sense. I'm rambling. As mad as I am at you, I don't want you to have to go through this alone. Especially if it is my baby. If it's mine, I want to be a dad to him. It. Whatever. But if it's not...
You were going to marry me knowing about Jimmy, although he wouldn't be living with us and he has a mom. But still...
I'm not doing this very well. I hate machines.
If it's Caleb's and he wants to be in your life, then that's good, right? But if he doesn't, I guess what I'm saying is, I'll be there. My baby or Caleb's, I love you. I want to be there for you, and I want to figure all of this crazy shit out, with you. So call me, OK? Just call me."
I played it back three more times, tears starting to course silently down my face as I listened. I hung up, and started to think about what his message meant, or could mean, to my life and the life of this baby.
Before I could sort it all out, the doctor came in, pushing a huge contraption I knew would tell me if there was any future for this child.
"Hi. I'm Dr. San, and this thing," he points to the wheeled beast leading the way, "is a sono machine. I'll take a look and see how this little guy is doing. I heard you took a punch to the gut?"
"Yes, it was an accident, but..."
"Yeah, I know. They usually are. How far along are you? This says about five to five and a half weeks, based on the range you said your last monthly period could have started? For future reference, if you just walk by and circle the date on your calendar when you first start your period, the date would be more exact."
I wasn't sure I liked his words, either the 'they usually are' when he referred to being accidentally punched, or to his 'can't you be more exact' reference. His tone was friendly enough, though, so I wasn't sure.
He added, "Are you here alone?"
"No, Caleb is here, too. He stepped out for a minute."
The doctor nodded, plugging things in and turning them on. A nurse walked in just then, telling Dr. San he was needed for a car accident coming in. I wasn't sad to see him go, but I still had no clue about the baby.
"Don't worry, " the nurse said, seeing my face. "I'm Hannah and I'm covering for someone down here, but I'm usually up in labor and delivery. I can take a look. I'll need a doctor to sign off before you are released, but I've got this."
"Oh thank God. No problem, I work for attorneys all day long, and I know for a fact it's the paralegals who really run the place and see everything. I'd rather have you anyway, he was kind of..." I looked for a nice word.
"Yeah, I know." She finished for me, purposely not saying anything bad about the doctor. "Ok, let's take a look. This thing uses sound waves, to produce a sono, or sound, picture of the baby. A sonogram and an ultrasound are different words resulting in the same thing-a view of what's going on inside you, but here's the thing. You are very, very early in your pregnancy. At five to six weeks, the odds of seeing a heartbeat aren't great. We could, but if we don't, that doesn't mean anything is wrong. Sometimes it is more like six to seven weeks before the heartbeat is seen. There are other things I can look at as well. I can make sure it isn't a tubal pregnancy, but a good measurement of the baby's head to rump is iffy now as well. It grows so fast though, even a week can make a big difference in what we can see. Are you ready?"
"Yes, please."
"The good news I can give you though, is since the little one is so tiny still, the odds of a punch doing much are pretty slim. Later, when you are huge, and the punch lands on the baby's head or something..."
She looked hard at me, seeming to tell me that if punching my stomach was going to be a regular thing...
Wow, I thought. They must really deal with a lot of abusive situations if both of them were questioning the punch. Of course without Caleb here, the whole thing probably looked way worse than it was.
I defended Caleb, and myself, "It really was an accident, I swear. I don't let men beat me on the regular."
I got kind of shy, but I needed them to know this wasn't Caleb's fault, so when he did get in here they didn't kill him.
"I don't know if you heard how we were dressed when we came in here, but..."
I saw the edges of her mouth curl up, telling me that no matter how nonplussed the desk nurse had seemed, our appear
ance had definitely been talked about.
"Yeah, well. We were trying out this club, you know, before the baby comes and life gets more grown up. Anyway, that's why we were dressed that way. The punch really was accidental, I was tied, ahem, to this... and then when the guy got off balance, he fell into me, more than really punching me...yeah. So we won't be going back there, or anything. I can promise you, there was no ill will toward me or the baby. Caleb didn't even know yet. I hadn't told him."
She was intrigued, listening to my oddly told tale.
"So that's how he found out you were pregnant? He said, 'are you OK?' Then you said, 'yeah, but there's this baby...?' Oh my, what an interesting story."
"Yeah, interesting. Something like that. And he should be back any minute. He's a cop and he had to wrap up something..."
"Really? This just gets better and better."
I felt myself flame hot and red, embarrassment flooding my face with color. I could always tell her to fuck off, it wasn't any of her damned business, but I actually liked her. I hadn't liked the doctor who had left, him I would have told to stuff it up his ass, but the nurse I was actually enjoying.
"Ok, so. Let's see what we can see."
She took out a thin wand-looking thing, covered it with a condom, and lubed it up. I couldn't help it, after everything I just told her, I started giggling at where my night started out, and how it was ending with a condom covered wand being stuck right up my...
She caught my giggles, although she managed to be way more professional about it than I was.
She aimed the thing my direction and said, "I think you and I could hang out. I've got the feeling we'd get along pretty well. Alright, now let's look at this baby."
She slid the wand inside me, saying things about how this was the only way to see such an early pregnancy. Even just another three weeks and they could do the over-the-belly thing, but she said for now they needed to get in close because it was so little.
She wiggled and pressed the wand various ways, most of which weren't uncomfortable.
"Ok, your tubes look good, so you don't need to worry about a tubal pregnancy. Your lining is thick, that is a good thing. There is the gestation sac, and that there is the yolk sac inside the gestation sac. Very good."
"Yolk sac? I'm not sure I'm going to be able to eat eggs for breakfast for a while, thanks for that."
She giggled, but kept busy, concentrating and looking around inside me.
"It always amazes me how fast they grow. In another week or two we can start measuring the baby's length, and maybe get a better estimate of when you conceived, and your due date. Of course your normal doctor will follow up on all this."
I nodded, "Yeah, I'll see him pretty soon."
"Oh look," she said it with a bit of awe, pointing toward the screen. I wasn't expecting awe from someone who did this every day, so I looked hard, squinting at a tiny pulsing blob of black and white.
"What is that?"
"That is your baby's tiny little heart. See it beating? Wait, I'll crank it up."
She got quiet, turning a knob on the side of the machine and filling the small room with a wooom wooom wooom sound.
"Hear how fast it beats?" She turned to look at me, her face aglow with the joy that she had been able to find the heartbeat when she was afraid it was still too soon.
I started crying relieved tears, grinning through them like a fool, trying to stop crying so I could see the blob of baby. It was hard enough to see what she pointed out without trying to see it through blurred, crying eyes.
She smiled huge, and I thought no wonder she works in labor and delivery, she totally belongs there. "Your baby is perfectly healthy, sweetie. No worries."
Her glance skipped passed me, grinning at something in the doorway. "Well, how long have you been standing there?"
I turned to follow her gaze, and saw Caleb. His eyes were locked on the beating blob as the wooom wooom sound still pulsed loudly through the room.
He was tense, his whole body on edge. His jaw clenched, and I dreaded what I was about to see in his eyes. But when they swung to me, they were almost haunted. And rimmed with tears.
So of course I lost it, my quiet tears turning into loud sobs instead.
Chapter 45
Congratulations Are In Order
"I take it this is dad? Congratulations, the baby is perfectly healthy."
Nurse Hannah couldn't have known why, but her statement made me cry even harder.
Caleb knew why, and I was very thankful when he just said, "Yes. Oh good, I was so worried. I got back here as soon as I could."
I shot a grateful look his way, mentally thanking him for not embarrassing me any more than I'd already embarrassed myself. Hannah turned everything off, and left the room saying she'd give us some privacy and get the doctor to sign off so we could go home.
Caleb didn't say anything else, he just slid onto the hospital bed beside me, pulling me onto his lap and holding me tight as I released weeks of pent up tears all over his black silky shirt.
Once my tears ran their course I continued to sit still in Caleb's arms. I enjoyed the warm comfort he provided, and in that circle I could pretend everything was OK for a few more minutes. I felt like a child in a blanket fort, leaving the world and its hardships outside.
I did finally pull away some, settling myself beside him on the narrow bed. I broke the quiet with, "Did Jessica and Gabe leave? Did you get everything you needed from her?"
"Yes, she was very willing to work with me. I think she is more than ready to put all of that behind her."
I nodded.
Caleb said, "I called my Lieutenant. Working nights I knew I'd get him, even this late. I filled him in as she wrote out her statement. He's going to help me close this on Monday. He also said it was already looking like I'd get one of the detective spots, but closing this made it a certainty. It also gives me my choice of stations, the other guy who makes detective will get whichever one I don't take, and the third guy will stay a patrol officer, at least until more spots open up."
"Congratulations Caleb. That is great. I know you've been working hard and wanted it pretty badly."
"I wouldn't have been able to do it without your help."
"Nah, he said you were probably already going to get a detective spot anyway."
"I mean with this case. I never could have gotten to Jessica without you. Thank you, and I guess congratulations are in order for you as well? How long have you known? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Why would I? I know your feelings about having kids. Plus, since I don't even know if it's yours or Roger's... I mean what could I say? I'm knocked up. I don't know if you're the dad or not, but I do know you hate kids, wanna hang around and see how it goes anyway? Even though you made it perfectly clear you didn't want to see me again after tonight?"
"I don't hate kids. I just didn't want any. There is a difference."
"Not much of one."
"That answers my other question though. So you don't know who the dad is?"
"No, I don't. Classy lady, huh? I did rule out Roger before we broke up. It was too long ago. It's 50/50 on you at Submission, or Roger in Mexico right now."
Caleb nodded calmly, "So either way, this kid has one hell of a conception story to tell his friends later."
"Oh my God. Only you would say that."
"Whose baby do you want it to be?"
"I don't know, honestly. For simplicities sake, Roger's. He proposed when he found out. He wants what I want, and he'd be a great dad, but..."
"But?"
I couldn't answer. Rationally, logically, of course I wanted it to be Roger's. But sitting here, with Caleb beside me, my heart still longed for what it has wanted all along. I loved Caleb, and I knew I always would. He was right about what he said at Submission before he tied me into that swing- I was his. He owned me body, heart and soul. I never would have even gone looking for a Roger if I had been enough for Caleb.
I just sighed. "Why c
an't my life ever be simple?"
"You know my thoughts on simple. Complicated is where it's at, baby."
"Don't Caleb. I know you don't want any of this. I'm grateful you were here today, but I don't expect anything from you. When it's born and I know, if it's yours I'll call you."
"You don't think I'll stand by you, not knowing?"
"Why would you want to?"
"Because I love you, remember? When you got punched, I couldn't see straight. I couldn't get to you fast enough. I've never wanted to hurt you in any way. I want to protect you from anything that can hurt you. Then when you said baby, well, my heart dropped into my gut. I know how you feel about kids, and I knew everything just got more serious. I didn't want to ask then, whose it was. Seemed like an asshole thing to lead with. That's why I knew we needed to talk.
Look, I made a big mistake a long time ago. If I could go back in time I know exactly where I'd start over. My birthday. I would never have gone to That Other Club without you. It was a stupid, stubborn thing to do.
I was scared. I knew what you wanted, and I was too terrified to give it to you. I thought if I could keep you at an arm's distance, I'd never hurt you. I told you cop marriages never last. I see it every day. The bad ones end with cheating, the good ones end with a bullet in a back alley. I didn't want to put you through that. And I sure as hell didn't want a wife and kid waiting for me at home every night, wondering if today was the day I wasn't going to come home. I've had to deliver that news before. I've had to tell women that their husbands, their kid's fathers, were never coming home. I swore early on that no one would ever have to come to my house, and make that announcement to my family. If I didn't have a family, they would never have to experience that.
You serve divorce papers, child support papers. You know exactly how busy you are. The odds are stacked against normal people, but for cops...Well, it's even worse."
"Wait, I thought it was more about the clubs. About swinging and wanting to play with other women."
Two Player Games: (Corrupted 5-8) Page 25
