“What are you doing?” I asked hoarsely.
My mouth was dry.
“Watching you drool,” he said, laughing. “Does the great warrior have a stuffy nose?”
I sat up. Sure enough, there was drool all over the couch pillow. Wiping my face and feeling more than a little embarrassed, I tried to give him my best groggy look of disapproval.
“You’re in a good mood,” I remarked. “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”
“Because you would have wanted to go with me,” he said.
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Obviously,” Kian replied. “If you had gone with me, you would not have found out where your fifth is, and we’d still have no direction.”
A very pragmatic Gwen, somewhere in the back of my mind, let me know I was being clingy and annoying. Which was not very warrior-like at all. I vowed to course correct, so I let the subject drop.
I didn’t have to wait long for answers, however. Kian came to the breakfast table with a very dingy pillowcase, holding it up as if it was a trophy.
“What is that?” Garrison asked.
Instead of answering, Kian pushed our plates to the edges of the table and dumped out the bag.
At first I didn’t think there was anything in it except for dirt. Then a few items fell out, including some round metal pieces that looked strangely textured, a wooden carving that was quite dirty, and some pointy metal things that looked like they could be arrowheads.
One flat, round piece was bigger than the rest and quite beautiful, with intricate carvings, and though filthy, it looked to be pure silver. It had a sharp needle on the back that was as long as my palm.
Kian picked up this piece, by far the nicest thing in the small collection, and presented it to Seth with a wide smile. We all turned to Seth as well, who looked totally lost.
“Take it,” Kian urged.
Reluctantly, Seth took the item and turned it around in his hands, examining it. After a while, when he was clearly not gleaning any kind of meaning from it, Kian’s smile turned to a frown.
“It was yours,” Kian told him. Seth just continued to look confused. “When Magician and I came to this place, I had a few things with me. It wasn’t much. Actually, this is it.”
The measly pile made me quite sad for Kian and reminded me of how he came to be here. I needed to remember him whenever I started feeling sorry for myself.
“The cottage at the bottom of the hill, where I took you, that was the first place we found when we got here,” Kian continued. “While we looked for something to give us a clue as to the year, I took the chance to hide these items there.”
“Why didn’t you tell us when we were there?” I asked.
Kian shrugged. I could practically see shame weigh down his shoulders as he slouched. “I guess I wasn’t ready to tell you everything yet,” he said. “Or to lie more. I did not really want to explain how I had come to be there, or who I had come with.” He turned back to Seth. “But don’t you remember?”
Seth turned it around in his hands once more, but finally shrugged and put it down on the table. “Sorry, I have no idea what it is.”
As soon as the artifact was on the table, Moira snatched it up. She did it so abruptly that I sat up in surprise.
“Because it’s mine,” she said.
Her tone implied we were trying to keep something from her. It was the first real emotion she had exhibited in a while, apart from her standard apathetic discontent. However, I didn’t like that it had gone further into the territory of madness.
Before any of us could speak, she stormed from the table. We heard her door slam upstairs.
Kian looked absolutely lost. He turned to Seth, and I was shocked to see tears in his eyes. It made me want to cry. Or run away to avoid the feelings. Or both.
“After you were gone,” he said quietly, “I thought I took something of yours, to remember you. But it wasn’t even yours at all.”
Of all the terrifying, painful, and traumatic things that had happened since I saw Kian for the first time, one of the most heartbreaking was seeing Seth stand to give an awkward hug to his big little brother.
“All this time I had a vague memory of you — just an idea of who you were,” Kian said. “But I had no clue. I didn’t even believe you were him — you — until you had your memories back.”
Seth gave a half-laugh. “Why not?” he asked jokingly. “Am I not heroic enough for you?”
“With everything I learned,” Kian motioned to me with his head and I felt a blush creep up my face for my past life’s transgressions, “I wasn’t sure who you were. I just hoped I was right. That all of this wasn’t for nothing.”
“It wasn’t,” Seth told him. “Besides, you did have something of mine.”
“What?” Kian asked.
Seth smiled knowingly at me. I guess not a lot of people remembered his wood-carving habit. I might not have either had I not planted one of his carvings deep into the jugular vein of my past husband.
He took the dirty wooden carving from the pile. When he turned it in his fingers, I began to see that it was a sea lion.
“I made this for you when you were born,” Seth said.
It still amazed me how he could transition so well between the past and the future. A stubborn voice told me it was because he was at peace with his past and his decisions. I hushed that part of my brain because it meant I’d have to start thinking about my own choices.
“It’s a very rounded sea lion,” Seth continued. “Because you were a baby, and our mother feared you’d cut off your fat little arm or something if I made it sharp. If you didn’t know it was from me, why did you keep it?”
Kian looked at the little figurine as if in a whole new light. “I thought our mother had given it to me.” He exhaled deeply. “I always carried it with me. I feel like I know nothing.”
“We need to learn together,” Seth said.
For the first time, I could see it. Without my emotions running amuck or guesses and visions about the past, I could see how Seth could be king. I could imagine how people would look up to him and he could lead. I could also understand why I would love him as much as I had, and why I would do anything for him. But he was better than me. He was honourable and loyal and meant to be king. That was why he left me, and that was why he could make peace with that decision.
That thinking led me down a path I wasn’t ready to take. I didn’t know how to look back and take on my past’s decisions as if they were my own. Instead, I let Kian finish explaining about the rest of the items and we talked about going to Australia, casting hesitant glances in the direction of Moira’s upstairs bedroom.
Luckily, her funk didn’t last long. By the time we were practising our sparring in the living room, she was apparently feeling better and came down to join us. She even participated, which was rare.
Kian raised his eyebrows questioningly at me as she walked past him, as if nothing had happened. I just shrugged. Maybe it was residual guilt for not including her more, but I didn’t question her behaviour. Though she still preferred to listen instead of talk, and her sullen demeanour didn’t allow me to guess at what she was thinking, at least she was being part of the group.
We had moved the furniture to the corners, but Garrison had become so skilled at the drills that Kian let him lead us through the steps. Moira joined in as Kian lounged on one of the couches, watching us go through the same movements over and over again. There was a spark of some recognition, but I definitely didn’t take to it like Garrison had. No wonder he had been a soldier. Or maybe it was the other way around. I couldn’t tell anymore.
I glanced up to find Kian watching me with a smile. His expression was a mixture of pride and amusement. I tried to return the smile, but somewhere between the happiness going from my brain to my face, the memory of him placing a cloth over my mouth until I couldn’t breathe resurfaced. I felt the brush of the presence in my mind again. The anger rose so quickly, my he
art skipped a beat. I missed the next step.
“Gwen?” Kian asked, standing.
I waved him off, trying not to look at him to avoid the emotions that came with it. What was happening to me?
“I’m fine,” I said.
I rushed to keep up with Seth, Garrison, and Moira, who hadn’t even noticed.
I thought about the presence in my mind all morning. Trying not to panic about the possibility that someone else might be trying to get in there, I consoled myself thinking that I just couldn’t decide how I really felt. Though as soon as the feeling passed and I looked back to Kian, I knew I forgave him. And I knew I would protect him, even if I protected him from me.
When we were finally able to explore London, I relished the distraction. I was thankful that the first flight we could find to Australia gave us a few more days to relax, though I also found plenty of time to second-guess myself. We were in a neighbourhood with winding roads and lots of shops. The cobblestone streets were so uneven, narrow, and full of pedestrians that cars knew better than to try to drive here. Despite the cold and snow, vendors in booths sold random things. I saw everything from candlesticks to patchwork handbags and leather notebooks.
Garrison bought a giant feather quill, and we all laughed at him and asked what exactly he was planning on doing with it. He just said he liked it. While Moira looked at scarves and the others admired some very shiny swords and daggers behind a glass display, I found a man in a small booth whittling. Rows of small wooden animals lined the wall. He was truly talented, and the animals looked very lifelike.
After what I learned that morning, I wanted to get one for Kian. I hadn’t realized how transient his lifestyle was and how little he had collected in his decade here. My eyes glossed over the animals until one caught my eye and I felt it was the perfect fit. I hesitated for only a moment, thinking it might be too feminine. Still, it reminded me of him, so I paid for it and had the man wrap it in newspaper.
As I braced myself against the wind and walked toward the shop with all the weapons on display, I stopped by the booth where Moira had just purchased a scarf.
“What did you get?”
She showed me a green scarf before tucking it in her bag and quickly walking away. I turned to follow when I saw the woman putting a blank scrap of paper into the register. She smiled at me pleasantly when she saw me looking.
“Can I help you, dear?” she asked.
The woman had no idea she had just been robbed. I didn’t know what to say. How could I tell her that Moira had used magic on her? And what would happen to her, or me, if I did say something? Instead I forced a smile to my face.
“No, thank you,” I said, and left.
Moira waited by the others in front of the armour shop. The anger built to boiling point as I walked the few dozen metres over to them.
“Why did you do that?” I asked Moira, trying to keep my voice low. “You have money, why didn’t you just pay that woman?”
“What does it matter?” Moira shot back. “We got away with it all the time before.”
“When we were running!” I said through clenched teeth. “When we had to. When it was a necessity.”
“What happened?” Seth asked. He turned to Moira. “What did you do?”
“She robbed that woman by using magic on her,” I answered.
The others made various noises of disapproval. It was true that Kian had gotten away with a few brainwashes, but the magic was not his, and we were racing against time for our survival. We got away with fooling companies for plane tickets — not random women in small markets.
“Don’t you feel any sense of responsibility?” I demanded. “For all the sacrifices that were made to have you be here, in this moment, you don’t feel you owe something more to your magic than stealing?” Hm. I was beginning to sound a lot like Kian. “Why did you do that?”
Moira pursed her lips and something flashed behind her eyes. The new energy I had seen in her became an icy exterior shell.
“Because I can,” she said defiantly. Her tone changed and my heart skipped a beat. Only later would I realize the feeling was dread. “I have magic and I am more powerful than all of these humans.”
She was a little bit too loud for my liking. The rest of us exchanged nervous glances and Seth took her gently by the arm, leading her into a street nearby that was so narrow it could have been an alleyway. No windows lined the walls here, just a narrow gap where two buildings did not come together. The daylight became shadow.
I expected her to pull away from him — to do anything as defiant as she sounded, but she let herself be led with her head held high as if we were truly accusing her of something ludicrous.
“You are human,” Seth reminded her. He spoke quietly and firmly into her ear as we escaped the prying eyes and ears of the shoppers on the main road. “Having magic does not change that.”
Moira pulled her elbow out of his reach. “I’m more than that,” she said. Again, her head was held high and it bothered me. It was as if she was lording it over us.
“Maybe more, but still human,” Seth told her.
“You’re wrong,” she replied, lips pursed.
“Why can’t you just be one of us?” Seth asked, exasperated, trying to keep his voice down. He was beginning to lose his temper. I wondered if there was anything from the past underlying his frustration with her, or if the past months were enough. It was certainly enough for me.
“Why?” Moira’s voice was disbelieving. She was practically yelling, and I could see tears springing to her eyes. “Why?”
Suddenly my mind was flooded. I nearly lost my balance as my vision went hazy with all of the memories that suddenly popped up, unbidden. It was as if the hand that had gently leafed through my brain in the previous weeks suddenly lost all patience and dug right in, raking through everything — both pleasant and not so pleasant.
Kian, Garrison, Seth — people I knew and didn’t know flipped through my mind like a scrolling marquee I couldn’t control. As if they were the pages of a book, I didn’t even have time to fully grasp each one before it turned into something else. My parents, strangers, the boy in Australia — it was all a fast-moving blur.
I sucked in a breath as I began to fall backwards. Garrison, who had been standing next to me, caught me. My vision focused on Kian’s face staring worriedly into mine. I tried to wave him off. The thoughts finally stopped on the one that had begun my adventure. Seth.
When Kian had told me everything about our history, I of course hadn’t believed him. Plus, at the time I was convinced he was holding me hostage. I wasn’t going to come with him, and I’m not sure if he would’ve forced me, but after he initiated something in my memories, images of Seth and the intense emotions I felt for him pushed me to agree to go with Kian.
It was a memory that had made me blush then, and had the same effect now — a midday frolic in a tiny, frigid waterfall that opened into a pond. Two thousand years ago we hadn’t had bathing suits. My feelings for Seth were intense, and as confused as I was, I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself that I could now distinguish my past emotions from my present. At least I knew I was getting better at this. At the time, when I first saw it, I had been racked with fear and manifestations of my power.
What seemed like ages to me was really only seconds to everyone else. Kian took my hand and helped me stand up straight again. I couldn’t get the red out of my face as that unwelcome prying hand in my mind was still holding on to the image of Seth from the past.
“She’s why!” Moira yelled.
“Gwen hasn’t done anything to you,” Seth said angrily.
“You will always defend her,” she snapped. “Like you always have.”
More random memories that I hadn’t even known I possessed flashed before my eyes — Seth smiling at me, Moira in the background.
“It was you,” I said. My voice was weaker than I thought it would be. “You’ve been going into my mind for weeks!” Kian’s hold on me qui
ckly turned from supportive to holding me back as I scrambled to face her. “Why?”
“You used magic on her?” Seth asked Moira.
She ignored him. “Maybe,” she said to me snidely, “I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. How you could have turned my own husband against me. How you managed to make a child,” she gestured at Kian, “who barely even remembered you fall in love with you and give up everything for you!”
I didn’t even have a chance to respond. Seth jumped in, and maybe it was for the better. The anger was pounding in my heart, and as Kian and Garrison stood with their mouths open, shocked at all the revelations, Seth and Moira could finally settle their marital dispute that had begun two thousand years ago.
“Are you crazy?” Seth asked. “Gwen never turned me against you! I never wanted to marry you! You knew that perfectly well! I always respected you, anyway. You were never mistreated.”
“Oh, really?” Moira nearly shrieked.
She reached for me suddenly, and my head flared in pain. I began to sink into a place where all I saw was silver. It was similar to how Kian had shown me the past when I had woken up after using magic for the first time. Except now Moira pulled at only the memories she wanted.
Various scenes from the lives Seth and I shared together in secret were broadcast to all my friends. Behind the pain, somewhere I was aching for it to stop out of sheer embarrassment. The waterfalls, our meetings on the rocks overlooking the watchtowers — all shown for everyone to see.
“Stop.”
It wasn’t a yell, yet Seth’s voice echoed in a commanding, booming way that forced Moira into retreat mode. She immediately backed up. The images disappeared and I was left to wrap my arms around myself. I felt totally violated. And angry.
Stepping away from Kian, I advanced.
Moira tried to move back from me, but she soon hit the brick wall behind her. Maybe it was Seth’s tone or what I could only assume was the wrathful expression on my face, but fear played across her features. As she looked side to side, seeking escape, her hair fell away from the sweater under her coat and I could see the silver brooch pinned to her lapel.
Lives of Kings Page 18
