by Dee, Bonnie
“Rachael?” His questioning voice asked everything.
“I’m sorry. I told you it couldn’t last. Our lives are too different. We can’t be together.” She dropped her gaze from his as the words spilled out. She stared at his feet instead, at the hole in the toe of one of his work boots. “I should never have allowed things to go so far.”
“Rachael, no. Don’t let them get to you. What about everything we talked about, all our dreams for the future? We don’t have to stay here and live like this.”
She shook her head. “It’s time to grow up and face reality.” She swallowed the hard lump in her throat. “I’m truly sorry if I hurt you.”
Before he could start weaving his seductive words around her, she turned and hurried back inside, closed the door and leaned against it. She wrapped her arms around her trembling body which felt as if it would never be warm again.
She listened to Joe’s footsteps walking away and each muffled step was like a hammer blow to her heart.
*
After service the next Sunday, the children left the room and Rachael faced the adult members of the congregation. Deacon Braden had agreed to a sitting confession, which was at least less humiliating than one that required her to make her apologies on her knees. Still it was daunting to face the silent congregation and reveal her transgressions. These people she’d known all her life would soon see a different side of her. They would know she was not who they’d always expected her to be. Probably many of them had already heard. Despite church teachings against gossip, rumors and news spread like wildfire in their community.
Braden spoke first. “Will you tell the members what happened?”
“I had a friendship with my neighbor, a young man outside our faith. I ended it and now I’m asking forgiveness. I want to put all of that behind me and to be baptized in full fellowship.”
Silence followed her words. She glanced around, focusing on inconsequential details like Mrs. Lapp’s shiny eyeglasses and Mr. Zook’s arthritic hands. Then her gaze met Ruth’s shocked face and she looked quickly away. The people seemed to want more from her so she added. “Also, I went to the drive-in movie and danced to music on the radio.”
“What was the nature of your ‘friendship’ with this young man? Was it physical?” Preacher Lapp cut through any politeness to go right to the meat of her sordid affair. He wanted to air all her dirty laundry.
“At first we just talked. Later we kissed.”
“And...” he pressed.
Her heart pounded. She glanced up at the assembled congregation in their straight-backed chairs in neat rows. Their eyes seemed to grow and grow until they were only eyes and more eyes staring at her. She quickly looked back at the floor.
“What else did you do?”
Her jaw tightened. She wanted to shout, ‘None of your business!’ She cleared her throat. “At one point during our friendship, we had relations.” Her face burned with hellfire.
Deacon Braden’s cool voice rescued her. “And now you wish to ask forgiveness. Let us all pray for Rachael, who has so bravely revealed her sins and commended herself to our Lord.”
Before Lapp could ask more embarrassing questions, Braden repeated. “Let us pray.”
The people bowed their heads and prayed for Rachael’s soul.
*
She moved through the following week in a dream. Every detail of her life was normal. Every day flowed as it always had. But she was a sleepwalker who watched herself as if from a distance.
Rachael did her chores and talked about mundane things with her mother and played games with her recovering sister. And the other Rachael watched her do these things.
She kept busy and corralled her mind, not permitting it to stray toward Joe. She focused on her future, which would be exactly like her present.
One evening, Daniel, the only person who’d remained quiet during all the accusations and recriminations, asked her to take a walk with him. She looked up from her mending, startled. She and Daniel had stopped spending time together long ago. He was always working or off somewhere with Lida. Although he lived at home, it was as if he’d already moved on.
They crunched across the shorn hay field together.
Daniel lit his pipe, puffing hard to get it going. The sweet smell of tobacco wafted to her. He sucked on the pipe and looked off across the field. “You and Joe, eh?”
Rachael sighed. “Please don’t lecture. It’s over now. Finished. I just want to forget—”
“I’m not lecturing.”
She fell silent and so did he. They walked quietly together. A redwing blackbird trilled its melody as it winged past. The air was a shimmering, strange, yellow-green. Dark clouds gathered on the horizon. A rainstorm was finally rolling in after almost a month of heat and sun
Daniel stopped to gaze across the fields. “I don’t know, Rachael. I love Lida. Of course I do. But sometimes I feel like I’m only going through with this marriage because it’s too late to stop it. We’ve been together since we were sixteen. There has never been anyone else. And sometimes I have these feelings that I want—” He broke off, his hand pressed against his chest as if holding back emotions that wanted to spill out.
He turned to her. “Do you think you’re the only one who wonders if there isn’t something else, something different than this life we lead?”
Rachael was shocked. She’d never heard Daniel express any doubts about his life or his future with Lida.
Anguish twisted his face into a mask she hardly recognized. “I have desires too, for things I couldn’t even begin to explain to you. Desires a man should never have. If you think you’ve found someone who can bring you true happiness, maybe you should think harder before you give him up.”
Rachael’s mouth opened but no words came. She could hardly fathom what he was trying to tell her. What sorts of desires? What did Daniel want that he didn’t have? If she lived a million years, she never would have expected to get such advice from him.
“Come on. This storm’s about to break. Let’s get back before we get soaked.” Daniel took her arm and they walked together back to their home.
Chapter Twelve
The worst of the storm had passed and the clouds settled into a steady rain. Rachael sat in her hot room near the partially open window trying to catch a breeze as she brushed out her hair and braided it for bed. Mattie was already asleep, her leg in the cast resting on a pile of pillows.
“Rachael!”
Her name drifted up from outside. She dimmed the keroscene light almost all the way so that she could see out into the darkness.
Joe stood in the muddy yard in the steady drizzle staring up at her window. “Rachael! Please, I need to talk to you.” His voice sounded different and he swayed a little on his feet as if he might be drunk.
Her heart pounded. She knew he could see her in the window, but she didn’t answer him.
He ran his hands through his soaked hair. His clothes clung to his body and water dripped off his face. “I don’t believe what we had meant nothing to you. I don’t! Just open the window and talk to me or else come down.”
She clenched her jaw so tight it hurt and waited for her father to crash through the front door, yell at Joe and send him away.
He continued to gaze up at her for several moments, until it was clear she wasn’t going to answer. “All right then. Just listen. I’m leaving. I can’t stay around here anymore, living so close to you and not having you.” His voice broke.
Tears slipped down Rachael’s cheeks. She clenched her hands together to keep from throwing the window wide.
His chin dipped down and he rubbed a hand over his eyes before looking back up. “I can’t stay on the farm any more no matter how much my family needs me. Dad will have to get a hired hand next spring. Anyway, I’m leaving tomorrow afternoon. I just wanted tell you. Please, Rachael, come with me. I love you.”
She pulled the curtains closed over the rain-streaked glass, but peaked through the gap betwee
n them. Quiet thunder rumbled in the distance. Joe continued to stare at her window for several long moments before he spoke again.
“If you change your mind, I’ll be going late in the afternoon. I love you,” he repeated then trudged away with his head bowed.
Rachael grabbed the pillow off her bed and buried her face in it, stifling her sobs so she wouldn’t wake Mattie. Her heart had been ripped in two and she hated herself for hurting Joe so badly. She should never have gotten involved with him, never started this thing, then she wouldn’t know what she was missing.
How could she have imagined that one innocent conversation with her neighbor would lead to this heartache? She longed to run down the stairs and across the muddy ground after him. Instead she sat clutching the pillow to her chest and staring into the dark for hours.
*
Rachael stood on the sidewalk looking up at the theater marquee. Back by Popular Demand: Rebel Without a Cause. She checked the time. The matinee was about to start. She glanced down the sidewalk. Her father would be at the granary for a while. She was surprised he allowed her out of his sight, but her manner had been so penitent since her confession that he probably thought she’d sown her last wild oats.
Rachael looked at the courthouse clock. If she watched this movie it would keep her mind occupied until it was too late for her to go running after Joe. Her father would be upset that she’d been to a picture show, but she was beyond caring about that.
She gazed at the poster with the sad-eyed young man then walked to the ticket seller in his booth. “One, please.”
He glanced up from his magazine and his eyes widened. “You people are allowed to go to the movies now?”
Rachael didn’t answer.
He ripped off a ticket and slid it under the window. “That’ll be fifty cents.”
She counted the change from her carefully saved egg money.
“I don’t know what it is with kids and this movie. They can’t get enough of it. The manager brought it back for the popcorn sales alone.” He took her coins. “Enjoy the show.”
She walked into the theater and took a seat, surprised at how easy it was.
At first she was so caught up in the color and movement and larger than life images on screen she could hardly concentrate on the story. But as she began to really follow it, she realized with surprise that she agreed with that nasty boy Harley. The main character, Jim Stark, whined and moped, but didn’t actually do anything to try to change his life. He drank and smoked and drove too fast and destroyed things around him. She could understand his frustration, but his actions were all so pointless.
But hadn’t she been reacting to her own unhappiness by drifting into a relationship with Joe, perhaps even using him to rebel against her parents. She hadn’t made conscious choices this summer as much as let things happen.
Now Joe was going to leave. She could choose to change her life and go with him. That would be a huge conscious decision. But did she love him enough to leave everything she knew in order to be with him?
Then the pretty girl in the movie said something that caught her attention. “What kind of a person do you think a girl wants?”
Jim Stark answered, “A man.”
“Yeah, but a man who can be gentle and sweet. Like you are. And someone who doesn’t run away when you want them.”
A sorrowful ache filled Rachael’s heart. Joe had tried to be there for her and she’d pushed him away. And he had been so gentle and sweet. She was the one who’d run away. Joe had remained steadfast. His leaving today wasn’t him abandoning her. She’d already done that to him, ended things without any effort to figure things out.
She felt smothered, hemmed in on every side. She needed to get out of the dark stuffy theater right away. She didn’t want to see how this movie ended.
Back on the street, she walked slowly down the sidewalk and looked in the dress shop window again. This time the mannequin wore a pretty, white organdy dress with puffed sleeves and sprigs of lilacs. It wasn’t the pink dress Rachael had always imagined but it was close enough. She decided to try it on.
A young woman came from between the display racks in the back of the shop. She stared at Rachael in surprise. “Is there ... something you’d like to look at?”
“The dress in the window. The one with the lilacs. Do you have it in my size?”
The woman looked her up and down. “You could try an eight.”
A few minutes later Rachael stood looking at herself in the triple mirror just outside the dressing room. She turned slowly and watched the girls in the mirror do the same. The bodice of the dress hugged her breasts and rib cage and the skirt flared over her hips and ended at mid-calf. The modest scoop of the neckline was accented with lace. It displayed her collarbones and the curve of her neck. Her unbound hair framed an oval face with a strong jaw, and wide-set hazel eyes stared back at her.
She could hardly connect herself with that girl. Was this what people saw when they looked at her? No. Normally they saw no further than her little white cap and dark blue dress.
The shop’s radio was tuned to a music station and just then a sweet, melting voice sang, Only you can make this change in me. For it’s true, you are my destiny. When you hold my hand, I understand the magic that you do. You’re my dream come true. My one and only you.
Rachael stared at her reflection as a hundred memories of Joe flashed through her mind, his smile, his uninhibited laughter, his sparkling eyes, all the things she’d tried to avoid thinking about over these past days. She didn’t know if these elements added up to love. Maybe it was too soon to tell, but she deserved the chance to find out.
She approached the salesgirl at the counter. “I’ll take this dress and I’ll wear it.”
She emerged from the shop wearing the pretty lilac dress and a pair of sheer nylons, a bag of her old clothes clutched in one hand. Her black lace-up shoes had to do since she had no money to buy others.
The courthouse clock told her it was already after two.
She began to walk.
*
Rachael hadn’t considered how sweaty walking in the hot sun would make her or she might have thought twice about wearing her new dress. A car drove past and she stepped off the road but was engulfed in a cloud of dust. She was only a quarter mile from Joe’s house when she heard another vehicle coming up behind her.
Again she stepped off the road, but the truck slowed and rolled along beside her. Her heart sank when she saw Harley hanging out the passenger side window and a couple of other boys in the pickup with him.
“Hey, need a ride?” His eyes popped open when he recognized her. “Damn, is that you, little Amish girl?”
Her temper snapped from the strain of the past two weeks. She glared at him. “No thank you. I don’t need a ride. I’m not ‘little’ and as you can see I’m no longer Amish. Why don’t you leave me alone and go on your way.”
Harley opened his mouth to reply but got no farther than, “Hey...” before the truck’s driver sped away with a burst of gravel from the rear wheels that pelted her.
Rachael smiled in satisfaction and smoothed the pleats on her dress. She waited until the cloud of dust settled then continued on her way.
*
As she walked up the Langdon’s driveway, she saw Joe with his head under the hood of a rusty old car. His hands were braced on either side of the frame, and her stared at the engine. When he heard her footsteps on the gravel, he looked up.
Rachael smiled shyly as she approached, stopping several yards away from him.
Joe straightened and stared at her like he was seeing a vision. He wiped his hands on a rag and walked toward her, a slow smile spreading across his face. It started with a quirk at the corners of his lips and blossomed to a grin that made his entire face beam.
“You came.”
“I came.” Her fingers fiddled nervously with her skirt. She was terrified like the time Daniel had dared her to jump off a high tree into the lake. She was exhi
larated. The same way she’d felt when she burst from the cold murky water into the air.
Joe stopped and held up his dirty hands. “I shouldn’t touch you. Your dress... You look so pretty. Not that you don’t always look pretty. You do. I just meant...” He inhaled a shaky breath and laughed. “God, I’m a nervous wreck.”
“Me too.” She ran the last few steps and threw her arms around his neck. “I’m so scared, Joe.”
“Did you come to say goodbye or are you actually coming with me?” His arms went around her waist and squeezed her tight, lifting her off her feet.
She buried her face against his neck and inhaled him. “Yes. I’m coming with you.” She pulled back and looked into his eyes. “Yes.”
“And your family? How did they take it?”
“I haven’t told them. I would like to stop there but then I might not be able to let go. If I see Mattie… No. For now, we have to just leave. I can write them a letter later after…” After what? After she and Joe settled down someplace? And where would that be, and who would she become? She nearly choked on the lump in her throat. It sounded so permanent when she put it into words. Real.
“Whatever you want to do.” He leaned to kiss her lips. His mouth was so soft and warm. “I hate driving this wedge between you and your family. Isn’t there any way we can soften their position on this?” he whispered.
Rachael shook her head. She knew better. “It’s not just about you. I want to take a chance and see what else life has to offer. Apart from you, this is my decision.” Rachael amazed herself by how confident she sounded.
Joe’s eyes searched hers then he nodded. “Okay.” He kissed her once more.
She relaxed in the shelter of his arms and lost herself in the promise of his kiss, twining her arms around him.
At last he pulled away. “I have all my things packed. I bought this car off a friend so my dad wouldn’t be left without a pickup. I have to tinker with the engine a little more before we take off. Would you, um, like to come inside and talk to my mom? You already know my parents, but I’d like to introduce you again as my girlfriend.”
