"I suppose you'll want rabbit food as usual," Madeline finally said to Zoe.
"The eggplant parmesan and the artichoke salad, please."
"What can I get for you, Lexi?"
"It all looks so good," she said. "What do you recommend?"
"Is there anything you won't eat?"
"I like everything."
Madeline thought for a second. "How about a filet mignon with sautéed mushrooms and wild rice?"
"Sounds wonderful."
"Wine?" Madeline asked.
Zoe waited for her nod before answering. "Two glasses of white, with dinner."
"Okay. You two behave yourselves and I'll be back in a bit with the salad."
Lexi waited until Madeline was gone then asked, "Are you a vegetarian?"
"Believe it or not," Zoe answered.
"Are you okay with me eating meat?"
Zoe waved a hand nonchalantly. "I don't have any ethical reasons for it. I just developed a sensitivity for meat while I was in the Army. It makes me feel icky."
"Icky?" Lexi smiled at her choice of word.
"You know, bloated and run down. Sometimes I even got stomachaches. I just feel better when I don't eat it. I wish I could eat it sometimes, but I don't have any problem with you eating it. If Madeline recommended it then it's probably really good."
"What do you do for protein?"
"Beans, eggs and cheeses mostly, but people don't need anywhere near as much protein as they think they do."
"How many siblings do you have?" Lexi reached out for a breadstick to munch on.
"I'm the third of five girls. Madeline is number four."
"I don't have any siblings."
"I know," Zoe said gently.
Lexi started to ask and realized that her grandmother probably told her a lot back when she was playing tennis. "Do you get along with all of them like that?"
"All but my next oldest sister. Her name is Jeanine and my dad used to call us the Molotov Twins. We can't spend more than a few minutes together without an explosion of one sort or another. I think she's bossy, selfish and insensitive and she thinks I'm unnatural and a sin against God. Fortunately, she went to college back east and ended up married to a car salesman. I only see her every 2 or 3 years."
"Tell me about your family," Lexi encouraged her to talk. Madeline brought Zoe's salad and a sampler plate of appetizers, adding a few snarky comments about Zoe's memory before leaving them alone again. They playfully fed each other between kisses and Lexi wondered in passing at her need to be in constant contact. Zoe seemed totally at ease, but Lexi's skin alternately burned and ached with tension. She didn't feel ready yet to make love, but she wanted to be in Zoe's lap, her hands in her hair and the taste of her on her tongue.
Dinner came and everything was delicious. Except for the cut of beef, they tasted each other's food. Talk was suspended while the sun set over the mountains and Zoe lit the candles on the table.
"This is very romantic," Lexi said.
"I was hoping it would be. Sometimes you get your expectations going and when nothing works out, the only person you can blame is yourself, but everything has been perfect so far."
"What's your plan for after dinner?"
Zoe slowly sipped her wine before answering. "The truth is that I'm not sure. I didn't want to be too optimistic. What would you like to do?"
Lexi hesitated. She was a little afraid to say what she really wanted, but she decided that if she didn't ask she had no chance at all. "I want to sit in your lap and kiss and talk." She lifted her chin defiantly and waited.
A slow smile spread over Zoe's face. "And where would you like to do this?"
"I don't care."
Zoe stared off into the night for a long moment then smiled. "I have an idea about where we can go."
Lexi took the napkin from her lap and dropped it next to her plate. "I'm ready whenever you are."
~***~
Lexi looked doubtfully at the dirt trail before her. "Where does this go?"
Zoe turned on the flashlight and pointed off into the brush. "It's just a spot down by the river. It's an easy walk. Trust me?"
Lexi hitched the blankets Zoe had asked her to carry up under her arm and nodded. "Now I'm curious, so lead on." She wasn't sure about this, but Zoe seemed to be.
As promised, it was a short, easy walk. The moon was just coming up so it wasn't completely dark and the river was close. She could hear it and the sound was soothing. Zoe stopped by a tree and in minutes a wide hammock was strung up. She then took one of the blankets and laid it over the mesh.
"This isn't quite what I had in mind," Lexi said.
"Give it five minutes and if you hate it we'll leave, okay?"
In five minutes Lexi was snuggled up to Zoe with the blanket flipped up over their legs and the sounds of the night competing with Zoe's heartbeat. With a deep sigh she relaxed and let her eyes close.
"Is this okay?" Zoe asked quietly.
"Better than okay," Lexi replied. A glass of wine and the moonlight loosened her tongue. "I don't know what it is about you, but I can't keep my hands off of you tonight. It's like I can only be sure you're real when I'm touching you. I can't remember ever needing to feel like this and I'm afraid you'll think I'm neurotic or obsessive."
"Are you?"
Lexi rubbed her hand over Zoe's flat stomach with a short laugh. "Maybe a little, do you mind?"
"Well," Zoe said slowly, "if you're going to start stalking me and peeking in my windows, let me know so I can at least make it interesting for you."
Lexi tickled her till she squeaked, then held her tightly. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sounds serious."
Lexi casually worked at the buttons on Zoe's vest. "Have you heard any rumors about me?"
"None that I believe. Why?"
Lexi looked up at Zoe's moonlit face as a button came free. "What have you heard?"
Zoe brought fingers to her cheek and studied her. "Why do you want to talk about this?"
Lexi looked away and worked another button free.
"This is about me, isn't it?"
"I know that most rumors are just garbled nonsense, but they won't go away unless I know what's true. And if you've heard rumors about me, I want you to know the truth, too."
"It's okay, Lexi. Now is probably a good time to talk about all of this. What do you want to know?"
"I feel stupid even bringing it up. I feel like I'm betraying you already."
"Tell me."
"I heard you were in jail and that you have a restraining order against you," she said in a rush.
"What else?"
Lexi finished the last button and pushed the vest aside. "I don't want to say the other."
"Why not?"
"I'm afraid that it'll be true and that if it isn't it will hurt your feelings."
"Say it anyway."
Lexi held her breath before speaking. "I heard that you don't let your lovers make love to you."
Zoe burst out laughing. "That's rich!"
Lexi smiled hopefully and started on the buttons of the blue shirt. "Jay Butterfield is one of my best friends. He wouldn't tell me anything, but he says he respects you. I'm assuming he was your lawyer for something."
Zoe continued to chuckle. "Well, that's good to know. You should know that there's at least a kernel of truth in all of those."
"Really?" Lexi had expected them all to be lies.
"Let's see: the first is the easiest to explain. I worked in a prison for a while. It was after I got out of the Army and I worked as a guard. I quit when I realized the damage I was doing to myself emotionally. Guarding prisoners takes a special kind of person and I didn't want to be that kind of person."
Lexi had several buttons undone and slipped her hand inside. She smiled at Zoe's sharp intake of breath. "Go on," she urged as Zoe's fingers began to tease the tiny hairs on her forearm.
"A couple of years ago I was living with a woman. I think I was attracted to my
image of her because she turned out to be the worst lover I ever had." Zoe laughed while remembering. "I can't tell you how bad she was. She was enthusiastic, but pretty quick I didn't let her touch me anymore because it was just so distressing. She was completely incapable of learning my body."
"So she started a rumor?"
"It sure sounds like it. The last two times I tried to sleep with someone they acted like it wasn't required of them. They must have heard the rumor, too."
Lexi smiled at Zoe's giggles. "You think it's funny?"
"I think it's hysterical! It just goes to show that if you hide how you feel about something, sooner or later it will come back and bite you in the ass."
Lexi was lightly stroking Zoe's lowest rib. "I'm very relieved to hear that it isn't true."
"Thanks for saying something. I would have been really upset if it had ruined things between us."
"So, what's the real truth about the restraining order?"
"Well, that same woman stole something from me when she moved out. I, of course, went to her new place and banged on the door demanding it back and she called the cops on me. I've never hurt anyone in anger and I never would have hurt her, but I wanted it back pretty bad. The next day she applied for a restraining order claiming that I threatened her and she was afraid for her life. I hired Jay Butterfield as my attorney in a civil case to get my property back."
"Did you win?"
"Of course. It was mine and I could prove it. He also got me damages because she messed it up before returning it. She moved away about a year and a half ago so I'm not sure if the restraining order is still effective or not. I should probably look into that."
"What was it?"
"Hmm?" Zoe asked.
"Your property. What was it?"
For the first time Zoe seemed a bit nervous. "Oh, it was just this thing I made for one of my nieces. I don't even have it anymore."
Lexi started to push for information, but Zoe had been more than forthcoming about everything else. Whatever it was, it was given to a child so it likely wasn't anything ugly or perverted. "Thanks for telling me the truth. I hope you don't feel like I was judging you based on what other people said."
"I don't. Rumors are what lesbians do when their feelings get hurt. Maybe not on an individual basis, but the community seems to support it. It's one of the things I don't like about being 'in the life'."
"What have you heard about me?"
"If you're in the mood to talk the only thing I would like to know about is Brenda and what happened. I know it hasn't been very long, but I'm curious."
Just thinking about it made Lexi want to cry. "I don't know what happened."
"Are you still in love with her?"
"I don't know." Lexi's heart felt sick to be talking about loving someone else while in another woman's arms. "Sometimes I'm so angry I can't see straight and other times I feel like I've been trampled by something big. At first I had to sleep with the radio on because the house was too quiet, but I've gotten past that. I wake up almost every night reaching out to the other side of the bed and I don't know if it's that I'm missing her or surprise that no one's there."
"Where is she now?"
"I don't know. One night we made love and everything was fine. The next day she came home from work and told me she was in love with someone she had been chatting with online and they were going to be together. She packed her things and drove away. I just recently found out that she gave notice at her job. I didn't even know that. I still don't know at what point she decided she didn't love me. How long did I live in a fantasy world while she was plotting her escape?"
Lexi wiped tears away with her fingers. "This whole thing has been just like my mother."
Zoe adjusted herself so they were facing each other and pulled the blanket around them both. "Tell me about your mom. How is it the same?"
"I grew up believing that no matter how bad a mother she was, she kept me with her because she loved me."
"I'm sure she did."
"But that's just it! She didn't love me, ever. I think she kept me with her out of spite. She didn't want anyone else to enjoy me, especially her mother."
"Mrs. Archer?"
Lexi nodded. "If not for her, I don't know what would have happened to me. She was the one best thing about my childhood."
Zoe tenderly wiped away her tears. "So, how is Brenda like your mom? Do you think she never loved you either?"
"Probably not. I've had a lot of time to think about it and I see things I couldn't see before. We did make love the night before she left, but now that I can look at it from a distance her attentiveness stands out as unusual. She hardly ever said she loved me. Mostly I would say it to her and she would say 'I know'. I took it to mean that she was secure in our love for each other, but now I'm thinking it was just her way of avoiding saying it back. And we never talked about feelings. We talked about plans and finances and work, but we never really just talked. And we laughed at things on television but we rarely laughed with each other." Lexi put her arms around Zoe and tucked herself under her chin. "I think my expectations of love are inadequate."
"I'm just guessing, but I think you don't believe that you deserve to be loved; and I have to tell you-if that's what you think, you're dead wrong. You are completely lovable and you should work on those expectations. The love you'll get is exactly as much love as you're willing to settle for."
Lexi lay quietly: the clean smell of Zoe's skin all around her and the sound of the river and a million crickets in her ears. I feel safe, she thought. After a few minutes of enjoying the feeling, she lifted her chin and Zoe met her in a kiss.
~***~
She woke up with her head on Zoe's shoulder; the morning sky just beginning to indicate that dawn was on its way. The crickets were quiet, but the river continued to gurgle and a slight breeze was making itself heard in the leaves above her. Lexi gingerly lifted herself onto her elbow and looked around at the small clearing. What a beautiful place to wake up!
Zoe lay with an arm raised over her head, her face softened with sleep. Lexi held her breath as she studied the contours of her face. She knew that women the world over coveted Zoe's skin. After a closer look she knew that they would want her long, thick eyelashes, too. The full, slightly parted lips were entirely too tempting to pass up and Lexi wet her own before placing them over Zoe's. It was only a moment before Zoe responded with a groan. The kiss began with urgency, but gradually became one of sensual leisure. The longer it went on the more intoxicated Lexi felt until she finally had to pull back or risk falling out of the hammock.
"If I go back to sleep," Zoe whispered into her hair, "will you wake me up again?"
Lexi giggled. "I've never slept outside before."
"It's nice, isn't it?"
"My feet are a little cold and I really need to go to the bathroom, but the rest of it is marvelous."
"Well, you can either pick a bush or I can take you home."
Lexi weighed her need for a bathroom with her need to stay where she was. "If we go to my house can I make you coffee and breakfast?"
Zoe started to sit up. "Can you make pancakes?"
"Of course. Is that what you want?"
"I love pancakes," Zoe said. "I can't cook to save my life so I buy frozen waffles, but it's just not the same."
Lexi rested her head on her arm and watched Zoe stretch. All but two of her shirt buttons were undone and she could see the smooth skin of Zoe's stomach. "This is the best date I've ever been on."
Zoe's smile almost painful in its intensity. "You couldn't have said anything better."
Chapter Eight
Lexi made palm-size pancakes until Zoe begged her to stop. It felt really good to cook for someone who was so genuinely appreciative about the food. Zoe kissed her soundly for making breakfast and kissed her again because she would miss her for the rest of the day, then left with just enough time to get to work. Lexi mentioned that it was Saturday, but Zoe explained that she had agreed t
o work on a friend's car.
After she left, Lexi took a shower, turned on the radio and started cleaning house. Cricket stuck close to her all day and she stopped to pick him up frequently for kisses and hugs. Jay and Freddie called in the early afternoon to find out how the date went and teased her unmercifully about staying out all night. Lexi let them have their fun knowing that there was no way she could explain how unexpectedly enjoyable the entire night had been. Not once had she felt inadequate or judged unworthy. No pressure had been placed on her to fulfill Zoe's expectations and Zoe had exceeded her own hopes for the night. It was just so easy to be with her.
Lexi replayed every word they had exchanged in her mind. One particular sentence Zoe had said kept repeating itself. The love you'll get is exactly as much love as you're willing to settle for. The more times those words reverberated in her head, the more her heart absorbed them. She began to understand that starting with her mother she had accepted some very substandard loving because she was afraid to expect more. There had never been any reason to believe that she would get it.
The love you'll get is exactly as much love as you're willing to settle for. Her grandmother had been the one glaring exception in her life. From the moment of their meeting in that long ago lobby she had been attentive and loving. It had taken a long time for Lexi to return her grandmother's love and now she recognized within herself a fear that if she did not actively labor to deserve that love it would go away. She knew intellectually that her grandmother really did love her and wouldn't stop, but the little girl in her heart was still suspicious.
~***~
After several days of silence it occurred to Lexi that Zoe might be waiting by the phone, too. The insight was so startling that she immediately decided to call.
"Auto shop," the gruff voice said on the other end of the line.
"Um…" Uncertainty ambushed her. "I need to leave a message for Zoe?"
The phone clattered on a desk and she heard "Hansen?" yelled in the background. After several minutes she could hear Zoe faintly.
Pride and Groom Page 10
