by Max Anthony
Though he was dismayed at what he had found, Skulks was already formulating a plan to escape. Consistent with his poor-grade planning capabilities, this plan involved slinging the unconscious Jake over his shoulders and running back through the gauntlet of spider-creatures. Skulks was saved from inevitable failure by the sound of a ruckus, coming from the direction of Zera Graves’ cabin. With Jake’s retaining ropes already cut through, Skulks abandoned his efforts to hoist his friend onto his shoulders and instead returned to the entrance door.
The chopping noises were much closer now, in fact almost to the doorway. It didn’t sound like spider-creatures and indeed it was not - as Skulks looked, Captain Honey came into view, accompanied by a number of soldiers from the Hardened army. Honey didn’t seem to mind being in the confines of the ship’s interior and she was making short work of the spider-beasts in her immediate vicinity, using her sword to cut at them while her free hand pulled away spider legs, or cast the creatures out of nearby portholes. Captain Honey had almost reached the cabin when the unnaturally hard flesh of the dead limbs finished taking its toll on her sword, which snapped in two, leaving Honey clutching a jagged half-blade.
“Here!” cried Skulks, to get her attention. Honey kicked away a final spider-hand and hurried towards Skulks, with her broken sword held by her side.
“I thought you might need some assistance,” she told him.
“Your help is gratefully accepted, Captain Honey. My friend is in this cabin and I could not likely get him from here unscathed.”
“Let us be off then!” exclaimed Honey, turning to the four men with her. They looked pale and shocked, perhaps because they had not been told they’d be fighting re-animated limbs when they signed up for their fifteen years’ service.
“Take these,” said Skulks, handing over his dagger-swords to Honey, with little thought as to their value. Honey took them, one in each hand. She looked surprised at their heft and balance, given how cheap they looked.
Skulks ran back through the cabin. Some grunting and gasping was heard from within. Honey’s sharp hearing picked up Skulks muttering the words, “For god’s sake man, I’m almost glad you don’t have your arms and legs.” Heavy footsteps followed, and Skulks emerged carrying Jake the Headcracker over his shoulders, using several lengths of rope to secure his load in place. After catching Jake’s head twice on the doorframe, Skulks squeezed out of the cabin with his cheeks red from the exertion.
“Ye gods, what a lump!” he said to the gathered soldiers, before his natural good humour reasserted itself. “I’m going to drop him in the largest dung I can find!” he continued.
The sounds of fighting above had intensified now, bringing to Skulks the continued urgency of the situation. Captain Honey beckoned the gathered men to follow and she set off the way she’d come. Although they had cleared the spider-creatures from the passageways leading to the cabin at the rear of the ship, new ones had taken their places, showing that some of the spider-limbs had a natural inquisitiveness and a drive to explore. Captain Honey used Skulks’ dagger-swords to great effect, marvelling at how easily they cut through the dead flesh – much more easily than had her heavier sword.
It took them only a few minutes to reach a ladder leading to the deck. The slowest member of the party was Skulks, labouring to manoeuvre the dead weight of Jake the Headcracker, the latter who continued to snore happily and had also started to drool.
“I’ll bet he’s dreaming of a cauldron filled with Blackened Rat Supreme,” thought Skulks sourly as sticky drool coated his neck.
By thinking this, Skulks had really been attempting to distract himself from the ladder he had to climb with Jake on his back, for although Skulks was very strong, he was not carrying a normal burden. With Captain Honey on deck, three of her soldiers stayed behind to guard Skulks as he struggled up the ladder, cursing and moaning with every single rung. One of the soldiers tried to help by putting his hands upon Skulks’ rump and pushing with all of his might. It was just enough to get Skulks up onto the deck, though the Headcracker was hard-used in the process, suffering as he did two more hefty whacks to his skull when Skulks grunted his way through the opening.
“Let this be a lesson to you, Jabin’oh!” Skulks said to himself, though without knowing exactly what lesson it was that his friend should have learned.
On the deck, there was chaos. After leaving the dockmaster’s office, Captain Honey had happened upon ten off-duty soldiers who had been laughing and joking amongst themselves as they headed to The Incompetent Dockmaster tavern for an afternoon drink. Shortly thereafter, the laughing and joking had subsided as nine found themselves armed with swords from the dockmaster’s office, whilst the tenth was sent running to summon greater numbers. Thus it was that these men, initially expectant of an afternoon of friendly banter in a warm tavern, found themselves instead partaking of grim-faced butchery, knee-deep in body parts and hairy spider legs.
The army of Hardened was efficient in the extreme, though still lacking in overall numbers. By the time Skulks stood on the deck, there were not ten soldiers, but eighty, arranged in tight squads and using swords and axes to inanimate that which had been animated. Frieda Berry was also present, though she was using her adept’s stave to club at the throng, having found the spider-creatures resistant to fire, cold and electricity.
One of the soldiers nearest to Skulks jumped in surprise when he heard jolly voice. “Good afternoon, Crinkle. That seemed like a pleasant young lady you were with last night. You’ve been keeping that one hidden, eh?”
“Yes, Captain Skulks. She’s a nice girl.”
“And I hear your mother has got a new job at the bakery. Assistant manager as well!” said Skulks, performing a lumbering half-turn and kicking a spider-foot. It sailed twenty feet through the air and disappeared through a deck hatch.
Crinkle had started to realise that it was a waste of time wondering how Captain Skulks knew these things. “Yes, sir. She’s very pleased at the promotion.”
“Keep up the good work, lad,” said Skulks, nodding approvingly at Crinkle’s swordplay. With Crinkle watching from the corner of his eye, Captain Skulks made his way through the fighting, following the path of Captain Honey as she cut her way to the gangplank which the army had recovered from the dockside and manhandled back into place.
In spite of its sturdiness, the gangplank bounced and bowed with each step Skulks made along it. At the bottom, he unslung the comatose Headcracker and lowered his burden onto the dockside cobbles.
“I have to go back and help my soldiers,” Captain Honey told Skulks, offering back his dagger-swords.
“Keep them for the moment,” said Skulks, showing her an enormous trust. “I’ll get Jabin’oh back to my office. Are you sure you can manage?”
Honey nodded. “I think we’ve got the upper hand now. We’ll clear the deck and then quarantine the ship. We don’t know what else might be on it.”
“Good idea,” said Skulks as Honey headed away to resume the fighting.
Before he could pick up his load again, Skulks noticed that Ferty Slipper was nearby. He was accompanied by soldiers and with them were a number of the Blackened Crumpet’s crew, manacled together.
“Everything in hand, Ferty?” asked Skulks.
“Yes, Tan. We caught a few of these men trying to sneak ashore. We can’t have potential smugglers avoiding duty on their goods, can we?”
Skulks shook his head at Slipper’s dedication. Then, with a sense of hungers to come, Skulks bade the clerk to watch the Headcracker for a brief time. Shortly thereafter, Skulks emerged from a dockside sandwich shop carrying a sack of produce. This sack of produce was joined in its berth over Skulks’ shoulder by the leaden lump of Headcracker before sack, Skulks and comatose friend made their lumbering way to the Chamber Building.
The journey took an hour longer than expected, not because Skulks had to pause often to rest, but because he stopped in the Dilly Dally for a quick mug of Gurgler, which turned into two
mugs of Gurgler. Mindful of his friend’s wellbeing, Skulks had tried to pour a third mug of this same ale into Jake’s mouth, but found that most of it spilled onto the floor.
In addition to this delay, Skulks stopped for a gossip at a sausage vendor who was peddling his wares in the Chamber Building gardens.
“Five of those ones,” said Skulks to the man.
“Here you go, sir. Five Slivers, please.”
“Business good, is it?”
“It’s getting better all the time. I’m thinking of taking on an apprentice. I hope you don’t mind me asking, sir, but why are you carrying an enormous man who is lacking arms and legs?” Ever the showman, Skulks turned this way and that, as if surprised to learn that he was carrying such a man.
“Oh! THIS man, you mean?” said Skulks after a moment. “He’s a wanted criminal - I killed him in Treads. After I claim my reward I’m going to hang him over my mantelpiece.”
“If he’s dead, why’s he snoring?” asked the incredulous sausage vendor.
“That’s not snoring,” Skulks told the man. “It’s his death-rattle. Treadsians can make that noise for several weeks after death.” With that, Skulks made his way on before his mouth could dig a hole his brain couldn’t get out of, leaving the sausage vendor open-mouthed and blinking in his wake.
Whistling merrily, Skulks mounted the Chamber Building steps as if all was normal. His new office was near the reception area, through which Skulks passed, ignoring the many stares he attracted. Once inside his office, he lowered his friend down with surprising gentleness onto the carpet, making him comfortable with a pair of cushions stolen on route through the Chamber Building.
“Whatever happened to you?” Skulks wondered out loud. He was surprised when a low, rumbling voice responded.
“I was tricked!” There was a pause. “And where’re my arms? And my legs?”
Jake the Headcracker was now awake, albeit looking somewhat worse for wear. In common with most Wielders, Jake was familiar with the unknown, so not overly surprised to find himself waking up in a strange place with Tan Skulks, whom he had not seen for a number of years. Jake was, however, a little annoyed to find that he had no arms or legs, even though he knew they’d grow back in a few weeks.
“Balls and tits!” he exclaimed from the floor. “They’ll itch like buggery when they grow back and no amount of baboon shit will make them feel better.”
“That is because baboon dung is naught but a placebo, to enrich the tills of shady apothecary shops,” Skulks advised. “I have it on good authority that Ertle mulch will reduce the itching.”
“Ertle mulch?” asked Jake. “Why didn’t I think of that? I seem to spend half my life smelling of baboon excrement and it certainly doesn’t help with the ladies.”
It was onto this scene that Captain Jives Honey arrived, fresh from the Blackened Crumpet. In spite of the circumstances she was clearly pleased to see Skulks. The first thing she did was give him back the borrowed dagger-swords, which he accepted and slipped into their hidden sheaths.
“I see your friend has woken,” she said, before introducing herself to Jake the Headcracker. “Have you found out any information?” she asked the pair.
“Yes I have!” exclaimed Jake. “I’ve found out that I’m going to save a fortune on unguents when my arms and legs grow back.”
Wise beyond her twenty-nine years, Captain Honey chose not to delve further into this particular snippet, already being familiar with Skulks’ eccentricities. Regardless, she was denied the opportunity to enquire further because at that moment, Jake announced he was so hungry that he could eat a whole elephant and demanded Skulks provide him with sustenance.
Crouching next to him, Skulks fed his friend with a quantity of the items he’d purchased from the sandwich shop. Knowing the futility of attempting conversation, Skulks waited patiently until the ritual of eating was complete.
“So what happened to you?” asked Skulks eventually.
“There’s little to tell, really. I was a bit down on my luck, so I entered the 97th Bu’jo Chicken-Eating Contest. It was meant to kill two birds with one stone, if you’ll pardon the expression. I’d get to eat as much chicken as I wanted and I’d win a pouch of Bu’jo Woj’s for my trouble. Paying me to eat chickens! I couldn’t believe my luck!”
“The 99th Chicken-Eating Contest was just last month,” said Skulks recalling an article he’d read in the Hardened Times. “Does that mean you’ve been asleep for two years?”
Jake was less concerned with the length of his slumber than he was with describing his chicken-eating prowess. “So I was halfway through my seventeenth chicken, when I noticed that it tasted odd. A bit flowery and a little bit like cheese. I thought I’d been given one of those flashy expensive chickens that live in a big pen and eat whatever they can lay their beaks on, but by the time I was finished the nineteenth chicken I was feeling a bit funny. Next thing I know, I wake up here in an office. Nice desk, Tan. Is it yours?”
“Yes it’s mine,” said Skulks proudly. “Look at the wooden inlays down here and how nicely carved the legs are.”
“It’s a proper fancy-pants desk, right enough,” said Jake, craning his head to look.
Meanwhile, Captain Honey was shaking her head in disbelief at this turn in the conversation.
“What are we going to do?” she asked of them. “My mother and Chamber Member Spout are both asleep and neither show any sign of waking up! We have a foreign agent working to produce another potion which is presumably not meant for the good of our city’s health and it appears that neither of you two have realised the significance of Jake’s missing limbs!”
Skulks looked chastised, though Captain Honey was not angry at him. Jake the Headcracker stared at her for a moment with a look of curiosity.
“And how come Jake has woken, but no one else has done so? And where is Zera Graves?” Honey finished.
“There was a chute, force-feeding Jake in the cabin. It was some sort of glop. Perhaps it was this glop which was performing the dual role of feeding him and also keeping him asleep by application of a noxious substance,” said Skulks.
“And once I was no longer being fed this glop, my Wielder’s constitution managed to rouse me from sleep,” continued Jake.
Skulks’ face wore a distant expression. More of a doer than a planner, his brain was slowly making connections between events, in order to lead him to the next course of action.
“The captain of the Blackened Crumpet thought that Zera Graves was still on board. Therefore, she must have been hiding elsewhere on the ship, or sneaked off without Clerk Slipper’s knowledge.”
“She definitely wasn’t on the ship – I’ve had soldiers sweep through it from top to bottom after we cleared out those awful creatures,” said Captain Honey.
“In that case, I must speak to Ferty,” said Skulks, heading towards the door.
“What about me?” demanded Jake from the floor.
“I’ll ask someone to attend to you while I’m gone,” responded Skulks. “And I’ll have them bring food. Your arms and legs will have grown back before you know it!”
As Skulks and Honey left the office, a rumbling voice followed them.
“Get a move on though. I’ve got this really bad itch.”
Fourteen
It took but a short time to return to the dockmaster’s office, because Captain Honey was not a woman to brook any delay or distraction when she was on important business. Consequently, when Skulks found his eye drawn to a troupe of dancing dogs which was being conducted by a woman with a flute, he found his arm pulled insistently onwards. Somehow, Skulks still managed to procure a loaf of bread without seeming to break stride and he ate it as they made their short journey.
“What was that you were saying about Jabin’oh’s missing limbs?” he asked Captain Honey around a mouthful of dense wholemeal.
“You’ve seen how dangerous those spider things are with just human arms, haven’t you? What do you think might happen
if the limbs of the strongest Wielder were turned into spider-creatures?” she asked him.
Skulks understood immediately, but didn’t want to dwell on the thought of spider-arms and legs pulling buildings down and causing general mayhem.
“Yes, that might be very bad indeed,” he said, picking up the pace.
When they arrived, Ferty Slipper was poring over one of his ledgers, glasses perched on the end of his nose as he went over his lists.
“Ferty, did anyone leave the Blackened Crumpet before we got here earlier?” asked Captain Honey.
“No, of course not!” he replied. “As I told you, we can’t have people smuggling goods!” He sat quietly for a short period, evidently thinking. “The kipper lady did go aboard, though. She didn’t stay long before she left.”
“Kipper lady?” asked Skulks with interest.
“Yes, the kipper lady. She goes onto each ship after it docks to sell her wares to the crew while they wait for clearance to disembark. She does a good line in pickled eggs as well, I’m told.”
“There was a woman amongst the crew. We fished her out of the water,” said Honey. With that, she was moving again, out of the dockmaster’s office with Skulks following. “She’ll be held in the dockside jail,” Honey told him. “For further questioning.”
Normally, the Upriver and Downriver Docks were ruled by Doris Grumps with unsparing firmness, but it was still common to see the odd brawl, or for someone down on their luck to try and steal something. Consequently, there were a number of holding cells in which these petty criminals could be dumped while Grumps gave consideration as to their proper punishment. Naturally enough, the cells were located very close to the dockmaster’s office, so Skulks and Honey arrived almost immediately.
“You have a woman here,” said Captain Honey without preamble to the dour-faced gentleman behind the desk of the lobby.
