This kid is walking the line between life and death, but doesn’t act like he knows it. He has to show strength, not fear, to make it on these streets. He’s probably scared out of his mind most of the time.
After following him from D&C Diner, I watch the stare he gives people, he’s mad at the world and everyone in it. I follow him to the culvert, watching him hide inside it. I won’t be able to stand up straight in there. It’s dark and nasty, it smells of musty water, urine, and the remnants of a small fire. I scrape my foot intentionally, alerting him to my presence. I hear him scrambling backwards and his breathing becomes a terrified rasp.
“I know you're in there.” I say softly, hoping to come across as non-threatening as possible. “I’m not going to hurt you. Charlie sent me.” I give him time to think about that. I know Charlie’s been feeding him as much as possible. As many times as he comes around, there's always a plate ready for him. Charlie says he nods his thanks, because the moment he hands the boy the food, he’s shoveling it in as fast as possible.
“I promise I just want to talk to you. I’m not going to attack you, or hurt you in any way. Will you please come talk to me?” I’m quiet, giving him time to think. I can hear his breathing ratchet up. He’s moving, but I can’t tell if he’s coming towards me or backing away farther down the culvert. Every sound is amplified and distorted. Finally, I can see his face in the shadows.
“What do you want?” His voice is so soft, it’s even too soft to call it a whisper. I have to read his lips more than hear him. Stubbornness and anger are on his face, telling me he won’t hesitate to run or to fight. My hands are up, arms stretched way out, my face is open, trying to get him to understand I mean him no harm.
“Charlie sent me. I won't lie to you, I’ve been following you. Just to make sure you're okay.” The look on his face is one of pure terror. He’s just now learned how vulnerable he’s been. He thought he was alone. The idea that someone had been near him and he hadn’t known it, and the fear that he’d become complacent, sends a shudder running through his small body. I could have been anyone, and he could have been killed, or worse.
“Why?” I almost miss the question. He comes across so scared. But I’m waiting for the anger. “Why are you following me?” His voice is still too soft to really be a whisper, the boy’s hard shell comes back. Anger and outrage become apparent in his stance. “If he expects me to pay for the food he gives me, he’s out of luck, I don’t have any money! What little I have on me is all I own, and I’m sure you don’t want my dirty ass clothes!”
Ah, there it is. The strength and determination in his voice shows me he’s still fighting. He hasn’t given up. He ratchets up his speech to a whisper, barely. He’s just what I've been looking for, but I’m wondering why he won't speak beyond a squeaky whisper. It's more like he breathes the words out. I know how to read lips from a much farther distance than this. I just usually do it through binoculars. The military trained me to be able to watch targets speaking so we know what’s going on. Gathering Intel.
“And if he wants something else, then he can go fuck himself!” The boy starts to crawl away, almost in a panic. I have to hurry and try and make him understand before he disappears.
“No!” I shout. It echoes through the culvert and he freezes. Much softer, I try again. “No. I’m not here to collect for Charlie. I’m here to help you. I won’t be asking you to do anything you don’t want to. I’m not like that. I promise”
“What do you want?” Again, I’m reading his lips and all of his facial movements. It’s easy to watch the emotions cross his face. He’s confused and scared, but still ready to run. Like a frightened rabbit he pants and shakes, ready to leap for safety or run away at the first sign of trouble. I need to calm him down or he’ll bolt. So, I sit on a cement block that someone has conveniently moved, placing my hands on my knees, body open with no aggression apparent, trying to get him to calm down, or at least be willing to listen. He’ll never listen to my proposal if he’s in fight or flight mode.
“Look, I’m not here to hurt you. I promise. I do want you to listen to what I have to say. All right?” The boy came a little closer, maybe an inch, still scared but desperate to find a way out of the situation he’ found himself in.
He’s too beautiful to be on the streets. His face might be too thin, but that’s fixable. He’d be stunning, once he was fed and had a bath. He’s almost gaunt from his time on the streets. Tall, with flared shoulders, he has a swimmers body, evident even though it’s hard to see past his dirty clothing. He’s not as tall as me. I’m six foot two and heavily muscled from my time in the Navy, but I’m not the Hulk by any means. My muscles fit my large body size perfectly, so I don’t look like a steroid abuser or bodybuilder type. But this young man...
“How old are you?” I figure we’ll start with the basics.
“Why do you care?” he asks stubbornly. “I care because you don’t belong on the streets,” I tell him. I don’t know if he’ll go for what I have in mind, but he’s desperate. I have to remember that, and not push too hard. I can still mess this up and he’d be gone in a second. I don’t fear not being able to find him. He might hide, but I’ve followed him and already know where he would go first. That's the trick. Learning where your prey will go when he’s in flight mode.
“You need someone to take care of you,” I say to him. “Oh, and you want t o be the one to do that? Be my Sugar Daddy, and then, when you're tired of fucking me, you throw me back on the street? You know what? Fuck you.” He starts to turn and I just can’t hold back. This will determine if he’s ready or not.
“STOP!” I command, using my best Drill Sergeant voice. He freezes, not knowing what to do, or what’s compelling him to obey. “You are sadly mistaken if you think that’s what I want. You insult me, and then use foul language to scare me off. You will not do that again, or you will not like the consequences. Come. Back. Now.” Standing up, I don’t actually expect him to turn around, but he does. Looking at me, there's fear in his eyes, but also curiosity, so I continue on. “If that’s what I wanted, there are plenty of other boys on the street for that. I want to help you!” Almost as if he’s fighting himself he comes closer, looking everywhere, as if waiting to be attacked.
“You’re safe with me.” I soften my voice and can finally see him coming closer, his eyes locking onto mine. “I promise all I want to do is help you.”
“What are you getting out of this?” He whispers. “Nothing that you don't want to give. You need help. You can’t be on the streets, they'll eat you up and spit you out. Let's start with the basics, okay?” He nods slowly, and I continue talking in softer tones. He’s not close enough to touch, but he’s listening.
“My name is David. Chief Petty Officer David London. What’s your name? Charlie told me about you needing help, but he never got your name.” He’s quiet for long enough that I’m certain he isn't going to speak. As I ready myself to ask again, I hear a soft murmur.
“Justin. Justin Alexander.” It's so soft I almost miss it. “How long have you been on the streets?” He’s fumbling around, trying to decide if running is the answer or if this is his last chance out of this hell he’s living in. I finally see him choose to stay. It’s like a hardness comes over his mind. He’ll do anything to get off the streets for however long I’ll take him. Desperation flees, while making the decision that this is it. He has no choice but to go with me, but he won’t let me touch his mind, he locks himself away. I can tell he’s visibly preparing to take whatever I’m offering and he doesn’t know it yet, but I really want to get to know the true him. I’ll get past that stiffness, that mask he’s putting on. I want to see the real Justin.
CHAPTER 2 JUSTIN
I have no other choice but to listen. It doesn’t mean I’ll go wi th him, but at the moment, I have no other options, and the pimps won’t wait forever. I know I’ve been living on borrowed time, so I can at least listen. Maybe it won't be so bad to be a kept boy. I’m not a virgin, but
I haven’t sold myself yet, and on the streets that’s near impossible. Hiding keeps me safe, but I know it won’t stay that way forever.
“I don’t know what things are going on in your mind, but I can’t change what you’re thinking without showing you that you can trust me. Justin, how old are you?” David says, bringing me out of my thoughts.
I don’t know how much to tell him. If I tell him too much he can use it against me. He sighs nodding, realizing he’s gotten as much out of me as he can get right now. He’s right, I don’t trust him. But he doesn’t realize that it's not just him, I don’t trust anyone. Charlie ratted me out to this guy, and I don’t have any idea what he wants.
“Well, I’d like to offer you a shower, a good meal, and a clean bed to start with. I know you don’t trust me, and that's ok. There’s a lock on the bedroom door, and the bathroom is attached, so you know I can’t get to you,” David tells me.
Looking at him I’m not stupid enough to think I can get away. If he wants to get me, he can, but what else am I gonna do? I’m cold, and with winter coming I’m scared I’ll freeze to death. That actually happens a lot with the homeless, it's just not reported in the news. Who cares if the homeless population drops because bums are freezing to death?
He stays quiet. Letting me make up my mind without interfering. It's not like I have a choice, but he acts as though what I think matters. It's been a long time since anyone looked at me as a human being, and not garbage. Nodding, I stand up, there’s no other choice for me. He stands and reaches out. Flinching, I pull myself far enough back so that he can’t touch me.
“I’m sorry. I was only trying to help you over these concrete blocks.” He automatically pulls his hand back and I scurry over them. He walks away knowing I’ll follow. I prayed to a God I don’t believe in that I’m not making a huge mistake. We head over to a waiting black Ford Explorer. Opening the passenger door he waves me in, stepping back to make sure he doesn’t touch me. I realize he does that so I won’t be afraid.
As he walks around the SUV, I realize he really is treating me like a person. And I soak it up. Cutting my eyes over to him as he climbs in, I realize for the first time that he’s beautiful. Muscled in ways I could never be. Black t-shirt clinging to his pecs and washboard stomach. Checking him out when he doesn’t know I’m looking, feels weird. I’ve never considered whether I was gay or straight. At home, there was too much going on with the new baby, and with me being in the way of their happiness, to give it much thought. On the street my only thought was of food, shelter, trying to stay out of everyone's way, and not getting killed or raped.
Now, sitting in this SUV with the heater going full blast, it seems like something inside me is thawing out. I feel safer than I ever have before, and I don’t know why. This man could kill me and nobody would know or care. I’m at this man's mercy, but I don't want to run. Something tells me he’s all right. Charlie has helped me by feeding me, maybe this is where I’m supposed to be.
God help me if it's not.
************* David I manage to get him into the car with the promise of a bath, food, and a bed he can sleep in. He doesn’t trust me, but I can work on that. He thought I wasn’t looking when he checked me out, looking me up and down. He was hiding behind his ridiculously long lashes, and the long blonde bangs hanging over his angel face. His hazel eyes were watching my every move. He has a long mop of hair that hasn’t seen a pair of scissors in a long time and it’s almost a shield for him. I don’t want to scare him by letting him know I saw him watching me. The way he watches me makes me smile, but I can’t let him see that. He’s still extremely jumpy, letting me know I have to move slowly, build some trust. Even though what I want sends a small thrill down my spine.
Moving slowly, I let him watch me, let him see me. Everything fits nicely in my black t-shirt that compliments my black hair, green eyes and perfectly tanned skin. That’s why I wear this shirt with jeans instead of the leather pants I prefer to wear when on extended shore leave..
I've been searching for the perfect sub for a long time. I want someone I can teach to enjoy their body. I want someone to be reliant on me, willingly giving themselves to me, so I can push their boundaries. I’ll never push too far, but I need someone to need me, trust me as their Master. I love Charlie, but he’s right, something is missing. Maybe Justin can be that missing piece of the puzzle that brings us closer. I don’t like our open relationship, but I know Charlie has needs that I can't fulfill when I’m deployed. He thinks Justin is what we need, so I’ll give it a shot.
Putting the car in gear, I wonder if I gave him enough time to eat the food that Charlie gave him. He had started scarfing down the food immediately, as quick as he could, but he’d put it away as he walked the streets, not wanting anyone to notice him, or take what he had. I know the moment he entered the culvert he had started eating again, thinking no one would see him. Did I wait long enough? Was he still hungry? He’s so thin, almost frail. A kid his age normally eats almost non-stop, or at least I did.
Wondering about it, I ask him, “Are you hungry? We can stop at a drive thru and get something.” His eyes almost glowed, but he shook his head. Still not speaking. The only thing he’s ever done is nod at Charlie. I heard the whisper of his name, but he hasn’t made many other noises, not even when I tried to help him and he lunged back. I don’t know if he’s protecting himself from the streets, whether he can’t, or if he just doesn’t want to, speak.
Seeing a burger joint up ahead I pull in. “Well, I don’t know about you but I’m starving.” Rolling down my window I order way more food than I can eat. Four bacon double cheese burger meals with large fries and one vanilla shake. Turning to him, I ask what he wants to drink. He moves his mouth so I know what he’s saying, but no sound comes from his lips.
“Make that two vanilla shakes,” I tell the cashier helping us. I look at him while we wait for our order. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I like that you’re at least willing to let me know what you want. Thank you for trusting me that much. I hope one day you’ll let me hear your voice but I know we have a long way to go before you trust me that much.” I smile at him and confusion crosses his face. He doesn’t understand why I’m doing this. He thinks I’m weird for thanking him.
“You’ll get used to me saying thank you. Every day you’re with me, that you’re learning to trust me, is a wonderful thing. You’ll see.” Leaning out of the window to collect our food, I try not to smile at the look on his face. It's so expressive. It's almost like he’s saying I’m a nut. Crazy as a bedbug!
Putting the food between us, I place the shakes in the cup holders. As I ease back onto the road I try something. “Hey will you unwrap one of those burgers for me? Kinda hard to do it while driving.” I give him a smile as I wait to see if he’ll comply. Slowly, he reaches into the bag. Almost like he thinks I’m going to hit him. Pulling out the burger, he unwraps it so it’s easier for me to eat. Then, he slides french fries my way so I can eat them, without me asking. He goes the extra mile by putting a straw in my shake, then sits back to watch what I do. “Thank you. It's a lot easier to eat like this.” I continue down the road, carefully eating my burger.
Finally, I can’t stand it anymore. “Why aren’t you eating? It’s been quite a while since you ate the food from Charlie. You've got to be starving by now. I know when I was your age, not that long ago, I ate everything in sight. I ordered plenty, so please eat. I can’t finish all this on my own.”
With a tiny smile on his face, and a shake of his head, Justin finally starts to eat. I’m not really hungry, so the burger and shake fill me up quickly. Every time Justin reaches in the bag he looks at me, like he needs permission to eat. Smiling at him and nodding is enough prodding for him to eat two burgers and two large helpings of french fries. He even manages to put away the milkshake. I remember being a bottomless pit too. I’m just glad he’s eating.
************* Justin As I sit back in the seat, not knowing where I’m b
eing taken, I feel sleepy and safe. I don’t know why, but somehow, over the burgers, I let my guard down a little. Well, it’s not like he can do anything while he’s driving. And, to tell the truth, I don’t really care where we’re going. I’m full for the first time in six months. Maybe even longer than that. It’s a nice feeling, and with the rocking of the SUV I fall into a sleepy haze, not really asleep just zoning out a little. I still don’t trust him that much, I’m just sort of hypnotized by the quiet hum of the motor.
Looking out of the window I see the city streets flying past. People running here and there, completely focused on their own worries. People who wouldn’t even see me if I were standing right in front of them. The world is full of people like that, and to be fair? I was just like them a few months ago, until I became one of the unseen people. I never realized what was out there, underneath the hustle and bustle of normal life. I feel like I’m a different species, like I’m more animal than human now. To someone who’s never been there, they just wouldn’t understand. They’d self righteously say work would solve my problems. Or tell me all I have to do is to be a contributing member of society. Until I was there, I probably would have said the same thing.
Closing my eyes before the tears can come, I sit up straight. “What exactly is it you want? Why would you try to help me? No one would really want to help me without some kind of payback.” My fear coming across as anger in my whispers. I need to know what I’ve gotten myself into.
Fear, struck like ice cold lightning down my spine, and I shivered. All he did was smile and turn the heater up. All the bad things that could happen rolled through my very vivid imagination and I started to shake. I had no idea what this was. I just hoped I made it out alive. I may not have had a wonderful life, but I’d like to keep it anyway.
Trust Page 2
