by Shan
"Oh it wouldn't matter ‘cause if a bitch jump stupid you know damn well I'm jumping in it to help you whoop that bitch."
We both laughed. Brian was right; I have been looking like shit for the last few months not giving a damn about myself. I went back to my tomboy ways, wearing big clothing and tennis shoes all the time. I practically did everything I could to keep a nigga's attention off of me. It was time for me to realize that Keylan was not coming back and for me to just move on. I know it's not going to be easy but at least I could do is try. I'm quite sure the last thing he would've wanted is for me to sit around moping and thinking about what we could've had.
I told Brian that I would be through the shop tomorrow to get my wig split. We sat around talking and reminiscing about old times; the days where we used to kick it hard and stayed in trouble.
Without Brian and Bubba I would be lost in this damn world. Those two were different in so many ways but each one of them played a key role in my life.
Starr
Soon as I got up the next morning I rolled a fat ass blunt to get my mind right before heading out today. I barely slept all night contemplating if I wanted to go to the beauty shop today. I never really cared what people had to say about me, but lately it seemed I worried a lil' too much about what the next person had to say.
I really felt like I failed, not that I could've done anything to change what happened to Keylan or my baby but it still felt like failure. Then there was the fact that the whole time I was with Keylan he made me feel like I was number one in his life but soon after his death; I find out his ex pretty much still held that crown. True he was done with her and didn't want anything to do with her but he didn't ensure that she would've been a non-factor after he was dead and gone.
I didn't even care about Keylan's riches, that to me was like a privilege that came along with loving him. If he'd been a broke nigga I would've loved him just the same, but for Latoya to come through and take everything he worked hard for was just a vital blow to my already broken heart.
I went over to my closet, pulled out a pink and polka dotted dress and my pink and black J’s. It was time for me to get back to my Barbie ways. Everybody in the hood referenced me as being a ghetto Barbie all the time. My makeup was always on point, hair always stayed fly, and my body was one that should go down in the history books. Don't like to toot my own horn but I am hella fly.
"I'm about to leave. Are you coming today?" Brian asked peeking his head into my bedroom.
"Yea, I'm a go ahead and come through. You are right I gotta get back to my old self," I smiled.
"That's what I'm talking about girl. Gives these ratchet hoes something to really talk about. What time you gonna come? My appointments are not until twelve. I wanna make sure I'm free for you."
"I'm gonna shower and stop by my dad's then I'll be through. So around ten," I placed my clothes on the bed and began to strip down to my panties and bra.
"Alright see ya then," Brian shut the door and left.
After taking a shower and getting dressed, I brushed my hair down and put it in a ponytail. My shit was definitely looking tired and I was so glad that Brian suggested I come to the shop today. My edges were torn down and my ends looked brutal. I shook my head and applied my lashes, then a small amount of eye shadow and mascara. I looked okay but knew once Brian was done with me I would be looking icy.
Being that my dad left out before I could see him last night I called and told him that I would be coming to see him this morning. I had some things I wanted to talk him about and knew that he would give me the advice that I needed. Our relationship was great and often times I wish my mama and I could have one just as good.
"Hey, daddy. What's up?" I smiled seeing my dad Herm standing on the porch taking a long stretch.
"Just out here waiting on you. Took you long enough," he said.
"I had to stop and get some goodies from the store. Where is Stacey? Is she alright?"
"Yea, she had them damn Braxton Hicks again last night; had me running home like something was really wrong."
Hearing about Stacey's pregnancy made me wonder if I would've experienced the same thing had I been still pregnant. I wondered if I would have false contractions in the middle of the night and Keylan would come home thinking it was time for our lil’ one to come home.
"Bubba said everything went good, said y'all even came upon some of my shit," my dad said pulling me from my thoughts.
I nodded my head and lit up the blunt. My dad stepped down off the porch and start slap boxing with the air. He reminded me of the rapper Slim Thugg; from his six-one frame to every cut in his body and the way he talked, just a tad bit brighter though. He was only thirty-six years old but still looked like he was in his early twenties.
"I don't think it could've gone any better. Niggas gonna learn that's for sure," I said passing him the blunt. "Daddy, I wanted to talk to you about some things. Miami got me really thinking about changing my life around." I sighed.
"Miami? I was wondering when you were gonna bring that up," my dad took a seat next to me ready to listen to me pour my heart out.
One thing I didn't talk to my dad about was Miami, he hated seeing me hurting and the last thing I wanted was for him to worry about me. I'm sure as much as people come running to him about every lil’ thing I did, he most likely already knew the details but was waiting on me to bring it up.
"What's up? Talk to me," he said rubbing me on my back.
"Daddy, I loved him so much. He was---he was---I don't think I will ever find somebody like him again," tears freely fell down my face.
"Wow, I thought you were hurt after Quad but damn I see Keylan really held a special place in your heart," my dad passed me the blunt and pulled me in close to him.
"He did even though we weren’t together that long I just knew that we were gonna get married one day. Then I thought that after he passed at least I would have a piece of him with our child but I lost it too. Why did that have to happen to me like that?" I cried.
I couldn't even hit the weed I was crying so hard. This is the hardest I have cried since seeing the two bullet holes that permanently marked Keylan's forehead.
My dad sighed, "Starr, why have you been holding this in for this damn long? I knew it bothered you but didn't know it was this bad since you never came to me. I don't know why this shit happened or even more why it happened to you. Keylan was a good dude you know? I've had plenty encounters with him and he was definitely a real nigga. When you told me you were moving with him you see I didn't try to stop you ‘cause I knew you were in good hands. His death hit a lot of us hard,"
"I swear I wanna go down there and murk Brandon's ass for that shit," I took in a deep breath and then hit the blunt.
"That nigga gonna get his. Don't worry about that. You just need to focus on getting yourself together. Don't let losing Keylan or your baby destroy you. I'm sure he wants you to be happy. Everything happens to us all for a reason, you just gotta keep pushing and I'm sure you will find someone that makes you just as happy as Keylan did if not happier," my dad took the blunt from my hand and placed a kiss on my forehead.
"I hope so. Being with him has made me really want a family, to settle down and all that. I can see a bunch of little Starr's running around here," I laughed through the tears.
"Oh hell nah. The world can't take any more of you. You need to adopt," he laughed.
"Whatever I'm gonna have me like three kids and I'm a bring them to you every weekend so they can drive you crazy!"
"I'm moving and not giving you my address. I'm not even ready for my lil’ one to come. Lord I know he's gonna be hell."
"I can't believe I'm about to be a big sister. It took y'all long enough."
"After three miscarriages we actually gave up. This the first time Stacey has been able to carry past two months," my dad sighed.
"What? You never told me that," I looked into my dad's eyes and could see that he was affected by that.
; "Didn't want you to worry. That's why we didn't tell anyone she was pregnant until a couple months ago. I wasn't trying to hide it but I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. Hell I didn't even wanna get mines up."
"It's all good. I can't wait for my lil brother to get here."
My dad and I sat outside talking for a lil' while longer until Stacey came out letting us know that breakfast was ready. I sat down and ate with them laughing and learning more things about them that I didn't know. Things were going real good until he brought up my damn mama.
My mama is a junkie and has been that way for as long as I could remember. I don't think I can recall one time in my life that she's been clean. I came to live with my dad when I was ten years old; my mama got so damn high one night that she thought it was a good idea to let her boyfriend feel me up and try to fuck me while she watched. The whole time that muthafucka was kissing on my little breast, feeling on my little vagina; my mama sat by and watched with a grin on her face.
I will never forget that night and I will never forget when my dad came bursting into my bedroom killing my mama's boyfriend. That night I was able to keep my innocence but I lost all respect for my mama. The look she had plastered on her face as she watched me about to be raped and changed forever will be one that will always stick with me. Because of that night my relationship with my mom is practically nonexistent and I don't even think she cares. Anytime I do build up the courage to go and see her, she hardly even acknowledges that I'm in the room.
I promised my daddy that I would join him and Stacey for dinner on Sunday then headed to the shop to get my hair done.
"Hey boo. You made it," Brian practically sang as I walked into the shop.
For it to be a Tuesday it was packed as hell up in here. Bitches were turning their heads towards me like they were niggas trying to scope and shit. I waved to Yolanda the owner of the shop and walked towards Brian who was sitting in his chair filing his nails.
"Damn, all these people up in here, you sure you can squeeze me in?" I asked.
"You see my chair is empty, those bitches can wait," Brian said standing up to let me sit down.
"Boy you crazy," I said taking a seat.
"So, what you thinking? I'm thinking of giving you a feathered bob, that shit will look hot on you," Brian pulled the pony tail holder off my hair and ran his fingers through my hair.
"Do you. You know I'll rock whatever."
"Cool let’s get these edges taken care of honey ‘cause you know you wrong," Brian laughed and I couldn't help but laugh along with him. Things were actually going cool being that I haven't heard any of these bitches mention my name yet. I'm sure they were probably whispering and saying shit that I couldn't hear but long as they didn't say it aloud; I didn't care.
It took Brian about a couple of hours to perm, wash, and complete the feathered bob. Looking in the mirror at the end results put a big ass smile on my face; not because I looked beautiful but because I actually looked happy. Seeing myself look this good again made me really feel like it was okay to breathe.
"You like it?" Brian asked.
"Yea it looks good boo. You did your thang. How much I owe you?"
"Nothing but when I get off I need you to tighten up my dreads and I want you to go out with me tonight. I took off tomorrow just so we can," Brian placed his hands on his hip anticipating my answer.
"Go out where. Nigga you pushing it," I sighed.
"Damn I went from boo to nigga in less than ten seconds," Brian laughed. "Please Starr? You need to get out and plus you already looking fierce."
"If I can pick the place? The gay clubs is cool but I'm not feeling that shit right now," I smiled.
"That's cool. I just wanna hang out and find me some new dick. I'm quite sure there will be some undercover brothers wherever you choose."
"Eww don't talk about it," we laughed.
The door on the shop dinged signifying that someone was either coming in or leaving. I would've never paid the person any mind if every bitch in there didn't look from the couple at the door and back at me.
"Girl is that Quad?" Brian whispered.
"Yea, that's him," I said thinking it was funny to see him being me and my dad just had a conversation about him earlier. He walked in the shop with a chick named Fatima Lewis dangling on his arm. I knew her well, being I had plenty of fights with her and her sister Gina back in high school. "Thanks again Brian. I'm a go catch up with Bubba. Just call me when you make it home."
"Alright Starr!" Brian seemed to damn near scream.
I gave him a weird look wondering why the hell he was screaming when he was standing right next to me, but then it dawned on me that he was trying to get the attention of Quad. It worked ‘cause as soon as I looked towards the door Quad looked at me as if he'd seen a ghost.
"I'm a kill you," I mumbled.
"Love you too boo. Who's next?" Brian asked looking towards the waiting area.
Four girls jumped up at once and began to argue about who was there first. I walked towards the door doing my damnedest to bypass Fatima and Quad.
"Damn, this black ass bitch the only one I know that leaves the house wearing a damn dress and tennis shoes. Girl you know they sale them Jordan stilettos now right?" Fatima said with a smirk on her face.
She got a laugh out of a few chicks in the shop; hell she even got one out of me. Not because what she said was funny but remembering the last time I beat her ass so bad she had to have ten stitches above her eye. Seeing that she still wore bangs to cover the scar had me cracking the hell up. Fatima’s tall, light-skinned, very bony, but I gotta admit she had a cute face.
"Fatima, what's good mami? How's the eye?" I laughed. That comment knocked the smile completely from her face.
"Whatever girl you know I was just fucking with you. What's been up?"
"Tima, you know I don't fuck with you boo. Gone on and be fake over there with them other bitches," I reached to push the door open but was halted when Quad grabbed my wrist.
"Quad?" Fatima questioned.
"You just gonna walk past me and not speak? I've been trying to get up with you since I heard you were back in town," Quad said.
I looked down at his hand on my wrist then back up at him, "Nigga, you better remove your damn hand."
He laughed, "Still feisty as ever. How you been?"
"Quad?" Fatima said again. He looked over at her like she had shit on her face then back at me.
Quad was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first every damn thing. I lost my virginity to him when I was sixteen and he was nineteen. We dated on and off for three years; me finally cutting him off for good when I found out he cheated on me with a bitch named Chanel and got her pregnant. That shit hurt like a muthafucka and ‘til this day it still pained me to even think about it.
"You've been good?" he asked.
"I'm good Quad. Thanks for asking," I walked out of the shop hoping to get away as quickly as possible but he followed. I could hear Fatima calling after him.
"Starr, hold up ma," Quad caught up, jumping in front of me to keep me from getting away. "Damn, let me get your number so we can catch up."
"I don't have a phone. Sorry Quad," I tossed my cell phone in my purse and then looked him dead in his eyes.
"It's like that Starr?" he asked as if he was confused.
"It's nothing Quad. I just don't have anything to say to you," I walked away leaving Quad dumbfounded. I’m sure he was feeling embarrassed that I dissed him like that. Hell fuck him. He did me dirty and because of that he wasn't even worthy of my attention anymore.
After leaving the beauty shop I caught up with my boy Bubba and got high as a kite as we laughed about how we handled them boys the other night.
This was a part of my life that I truly wanted to change. No one besides Bubba, Bear, and my dad knew that I could get really gangsta when I needed to. True people have seen me throw down in a street fight but if they knew I've bodied a few niggas they would never believe it. Part of me e
njoyed the adrenaline rush it gave me and the part of me that actually had a heart knew the shit wasn't right.
My dad only taught me the things he taught me so that I would always be able to defend myself; he never once thought he would be training a thug in a thong. I wasn't stupid; I knew that he didn't like the things that I did although he would never express it to me. He was well aware that I was only trying to make him proud of me, but even then it didn't change the fact that it made him uncomfortable knowing his only baby girl was out here murkin’ niggas.
Later that evening I went back to the crib and tightened up Brian's dreads for him then debated on what I wanted to wear clubbing tonight. I still didn’t like the idea of going out but since I already told Brian that I would so I just sucked it up. After getting dressed and getting high Brian and I headed out for what I knew would be an interesting night.
"Damn, we should've just gone to the gay club! These niggas is busted," Brian frowned as he looked around.
"They ain't checking for you and we always go to the gay club. Can I get one night that's about me for a change?" I said placing a coat of lip gloss on my lips.
"Bitch we haven't been out in months! Stop acting like we was really clubbing or some shit!" Brian bitched.
"I'm just saying we agreed that I would only go out if I got to pick the place. Tonight me and the next time we do you," I shrugged my shoulders and grabbed my shot of Patron downing it all at once. I shook my head trying to wave away the tingly feeling the Patron gave me then grabbed my vodka and sprite.
"Girl, slow down. The night is just getting started," Brian nursed his strawberry daiquiri and nodded his head to Tyga's joint "Rack city."
"Oh fuck, I swear this nigga followed me to this bitch," I moved my straw to the side and took a big gulp of my drink. Quad and his crew were posted up on the other side of the dance floor stunting as usual. They were the flashiest niggas up in here which made them a target for all the broke muthafuckas that was trying to come up. I gave Quad the finger after noticing he was blowing me kisses.
