by Ani San
‘I need to get my jacket and tell Alice I’m leaving. I’ll meet you outside, ok?’
He paused a second before letting go of me. Then he reached for the helmet in my other arm and nodded. It went dark as the door closed between us. The doubt hit me as soon as I was alone. What if he left without me? What if he didn’t hear me, and thought I backed out? I ran down the hall towards the public exit, but half way up the stairs I turned around. I had to let Alice know I was leaving.
The crowed were thinning, and I had a clear path towards Alice. She was sitting by the same table, leaning forward to Kiro, who was leaning in too. They were whispering into each other ears, and seemed quite intimate. I abruptly stopped a few feet away from them when I noticed Kiros hand stroking her thigh. Kiro and Alice? I hadn’t seen that one coming. But there were no time to ponder that now. I interrupted them to tell her I was leaving.
‘Are you ok?’ she asked, looking around me to see if anyone was waiting for me.
‘Yes, I’m going home,’ I smiled, and turned before she could dig for more.
It didn’t take long to get my jacket, and I put it on while walking outside. The streets were empty apart for a couple of people passing at the other side of the road. I was half expecting him to wait just outside the doors, but he was nowhere to be seen. I felt the disappointment hit me, and was about to sink onto the pavement and sulk, when I heard a motorcycle engine. He was at the corner of the building, sitting on a red sports bike, holding the extra helmet. The motorcycle was big, and I realised that I’ve never been on a bike before. I wasn’t about to let this chance escape. It was hard not to run against him, I tried to keep my steps even and straight, and sober. Maybe I overdid it, because he was getting restless. Before I could reach him, he opened part of his visor.
‘Did you change your mind?’
I shook my head and grabbed the helmet. It was a bit big, and I had trouble with the strap under my chin.
He removed his gloves. ‘Here, let me do it.’
He stroked my neck when he was finished, before he closed his visor and put both arms on the steering. I jumped on, and after I found a place to put my feet, I let my arms close around him. It felt good to push him against my body.
The bike jerked as he drove of into the street. Friday night traffic in London could be a challenge, but Christopher seemed skilled. He followed the flow and went between the cars when the jam was tight. I tried to follow his movement as he bent his body, not sure if it was the right thing to do, or if it even mattered. We didn’t get much speed, which was good considering my outfit. The jacket and boots kept me warm, but I could feel a biting gust on my exposed thighs. It didn’t take long to reach my neighbourhood, and as we got to the apartment building, I let go of my tight grip and pointed to the incline to the parking basement. My key card opened the gate, and I managed to get it from my pocket and swiping it without stepping of the bike. I think it was the first time I had used it, I didn’t own a car or have a drivers license. The basement was large, but held few cars. All the spaces were assigned to an apartment, and I pointed towards my number. I had trouble getting of the bike, my legs felt stiff even though the ride was short. I removed my helmet and put it on the bike, but Christopher didn’t do the same. He kept his on. It looked kind of stupid, walking into the elevator with the helmet on. He seemed a bit paranoid. I could see a strange couple in the mirror, and smiled at our refection. It was impossible to know if he was smiling to, but he took my hand and squeezed it. Reaching the seventh floor, we exited together, still hand in hand. I used the same card to open my door, and held the door for him to enter. It was the second time he was here, but the circumstances were completely changed. We didn’t have Anna to hold us in check. I didn’t have my morals in check. As soon as he removed his helmet, I wanted to throw myself at him. Somehow I managed to control myself.
The living room was dark, and I closed the curtains before hitting the lights. There were still beer bottles on the table, Alice and I had a few while getting ready. The apartment had been spotless the last time Christopher was here. Now, not so much! It was clean of course, but I hadn’t been bothered with tidying before leaving. A small part of me was worried that he would be angry because of that, but I knew it was stupid to think it. He was nothing like Erik. And I hadn’t been expecting company. Still, I quickly removed the clutter and carried the empty bottles to the kitchen. In the meantime, Christopher had removed his jacket and boots, carefully stacking them in a corner.
‘Would you like some wine?’ I asked him nervously, as I returned from the kitchen.
‘That sounds wonderful. But first, you promised me a shower, didn’t you?’ He was stroking his head, and I could see the moister.
‘I did.’ I said as I felt my face blush. ‘It’s through that door and to the left.’ He had to go through my bedroom to come to the bathroom. Then I remembered that Alice and I had spent a great deal of the evening applying make-up in there, and it probably looked like a mess.
‘Wait!’ I hurried passed him and into the bathroom. I was right, it was a mess. I took all the make-up and put it in the same drawer without sorting it. I removed some clothes and put them in the laundry basket, and grabbed the two bottles of beer on my way out.
‘All clear’ I tell him as I enter the living room again. He smiled and kisses my shoulder as he passes me. I wanted to follow him, but instead I make my feet move in the opposite direction.
I find a bottle of vine and two glasses, and put them on the living room table. My mind was wandering to the room next door as I pour the wine. I could hear the water running, and pictured him in there, naked. Did he expect me to join him? He did expect something. It was an impulsive move to ask him here. I blamed the alcohol. Somehow I felt better after the bike ride. Maybe I could trust myself to make sane decisions the rest of the night. Maybe I better stay away from the wine. I went back to the kitchen and filled a decanter with water and brought it to the table along with two smaller glasses. He was still in the shower. Was he waiting for me? I filled my glass with water and sipped. I could join him. Nothing wrong with that! Nothing except that his married. I brought a married man home. Then I started picturing ‘The Sun’ or any other newspaper flashing images of me; ‘The home wrecker’, or ‘Movie star mistress’, or something like that. My daddy would really love that. This is bad! What the hell was I thinking? My body fell down on the couch. I started fidgeting with the pillows. Then I notice the gun and knife strapped to my thighs, and felt stupid about having a costume on. I began removing them, which wasn’t easy cause the left strap was in a knot. It took me a couple of minutes. He was still in the shower! I put the accessories in a basket under the table and removed my boots. Then I walked over to the windows and looked out at Kensington Park. It was dark outside. There were several people walking under the lights. I never went to the park at night. The shadows were too dark.
I finally heard the water being turned off. My heart was throbbing, and I felt nervous again. I started pacing around the living room, trying to sit, then stand again, walking towards the windows, walking back and sit again. Most of all I wanted to run to my studio and lock the door. Stay in there and paint until I calm myself. I felt panicky, and didn’t know what he expected. Well, I knew what he expected, I just didn’t know if I could do it. Perhaps I should have a glass of wine after all. Then I started doubting myself. He needed a shower, that’s why he was here. He’s just playing with my mind.
My heart stopped the moment he stepped out into the living room. Bare-chested. Only wearing thin white long johns. My eyes were first locked to the chest. It was muscular and almost hairless. It was perfect. My eyes followed the muscles downward and reached the low lining and then his crouch, wanting to know if it was see-through. My face went firing red as Christopher coughed and put his fist in front of it. Clearly, he had read my mind. I only had to glimpse at his face to see that he was grinning. I turned away, ashamed of myself, but also very turned on. He was a God, and I didn
’t understand what he was doing in my apartment.
‘I’m sorry about the outfit, this is all I have. My shirt was disgustingly sweaty, so I didn’t want to put it on again. I can put it back on if you…’ He didn’t finish.
‘It’s ok, I’m the one who’s sorry. I wasn’t prepared, that’s all. I will try not to gawk too much.’ I tried hiding my embarrassment by giving him his glass of wine.
‘I don’t mind,’ he says, still grinning.
He sat on the couch, and clapped a hand on it for me to join him. I safely position myself in the opposite corner with my back to the armrest facing him. I lift both my knees to my chin, and focus on the wall behind him. It was hard not to look at his naked chest.
‘Thank you for the shower.’
‘Your welcome.’
‘I took a cold one.’
I finally looked at him. ‘Good to know.’
He was still grinning. ‘It didn’t help.’
His words made me speechless. He was definitely implying his intentions, waiting for me to make my move. I closed my eyes and leaned backwards. Was I doing this? I wanted to, but I knew I couldn’t.
‘This is a nice apartment. Have you been living here long?’
Oh, now we’re doing the small talk. Ok, I could do that.
‘About two years. Its not mine, I just get to live here while attending the art school.’
‘But your done now, right? The exhibition was sort of your finals?’
I remembered the exhibitions. And the kiss. I blushed again, and turned my head to the side while answering.
‘Yes, I’m done now.’
‘But your still staying?’
‘For now. I don’t know yet.’
‘Are you going back to Norway?’
‘No.’
He probably expected me to say more about it, because he paused before asking ‘Why not?’
‘I have no reason to.’ I didn’t want to talk about this.
‘What about you family?’
I didn’t want to answer. He questioning had me on an edge.
‘What about your family?’ I fired back. My voice was icy, and I wondered if he would mention his wife.
It took some seconds before he answered. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.’ He took another sip of his wine, and the silence felt awkward. I knew I’ve been too sensitive, he had asked a normal question. It wasn’t his fault I have a difficult past.
‘My mother passed away five years ago. She had cancer.’ It still hurt to think about it.
‘I’m sorry. What about your father?’ It was a natural question, I knew that. But I had to swallow before answering.
‘He’s only a name. I don’t know him.’
‘Did you ever try to contact him?’ Now he was stepping out of line. I couldn’t do this anymore. I put my feet down, ready to get up and out of the room. I didn’t have a plan except getting out of here. He grabbed my arm before I could go.
‘I’m sorry, that was stupid. No more questions, I promise.’ He pulled on my arm and I fell against him. My upper body was swooped up in his lap, and my mood suddenly changed as I lay faced with his naked chest. We sat silent for a long time. I put my legs on the couch and raised my knees up. It was all very comfortable. I could smell his scent mixed with my strawberry soap. I wanted to kiss him. He played with my stray hair and stroked my neck. I could feel my body react to his touch. Moreover, I could feel him reacting to touching me. I could feel the hardness under me. The feeling made me smile.
‘I lover that smile,’ he whispered. ‘What are you smiling about?’
I blushed, too embarrassed to tell him. He probably figured it out. To distract him, I started babbling.
‘I was thinking about tonight. The way I dragged you to my home. And why you came. You must think I’m quite cheap, don’t you.’ I got annoyed when he laughed at me, like he was confirming what I just said. I grabbed a pillow to shove it in his face.
He put the pillow away. ‘Firstly, I wasn’t dragged. I came here after tricking you to invite me. I didn’t think it would be that easy, though.’ He smiled his crooked smile to me. ‘Besides, we haven’t done anything wrong, have we?’
Not yet, I wanted to add, but I kept my mouth shut. Instead I pondered his words. Did he trick me? Did I feel tricked? No, I wanted him here. I wanted his kiss, his touch. My body ached for him. I didn’t mean it was right. Just that I didn’t care. My arm raised to his face, stroked his cheeks and chin. His fingers trailed my legs and thigh. I felt naked in these shorts. I didn’t care. My eyes focus on his lips, and I remembered the sweet taste. I wanted to taste them again. He meets me half way, and we kiss. Carefully at first, tasting each other. He pushed me upwards, and I twisted my body upright to get closer. The kissing got more passionate, and I exhaled as he moved his mouth down my neck. I put my legs on either side of his, and he grabbed my behind, pulling me closer. I knew I was at a crossroad, but I didn’t know how to stop. I wanted him. My body wanted him. And I could feel him wanting me. His fingers grip the lining on my top and dragged it upwards. His face was nuzzling my breast through the fabric. I gasped as he bit. Then his foot must have bumped the table, for suddenly my glassed tilted over and wine spilled over the table and down to the floor. Leave it, I thought, but Christopher was already lifting me off to save my phone on the table. The moment was over. I sighed and walked to the kitchen to find something to clean it up. I could have bought a new phone. Why did something always interrupt us? I knew the answer: because its not meant to be. This was life sending me a message. I’m not someone who beds a married man. I don’t go around having sex with someone who will leave the next morning. I didn’t need the pain of loving someone who couldn’t possible be mine. And even if he weren’t married, what makes me think he would care about me besides sex. I was a nobody. He was a God.
It felt awkward when all was cleaned up and we were seated again. I chose to sit in my corner with my knees up, barricading me from him. It didn’t do much good, he continued his fondling up and down my thigh, turning me on again. I couldn’t give him anymore of me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with the pain when he left in the morning. I didn’t want to get sick again, I had to take better care of myself. So I forced the words out, deciding that it was better if he left now, before I caved.
‘I’m not going to have sex with you.’ I hid my face in my knees.
‘It didn’t seem like that a moment ago.’ He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. He didn’t seem angry, as I feared. ‘But that’s ok. We are not going to do something your not ready for. I’m a patience man.’
I didn’t understand his words. He was going to wait? How long? And why?
‘I mean it. We are not having sex.’
‘I understand.’
It didn’t seem like it. Why was he smiling? And why didn’t he leave?
‘I’m sorry I invited you home. I should have told you I don’t take strangers home to have sex with them.’ Especially not married man, I wanted to ad.
‘But your wrong, though. We’re not strangers. This is practically our third date.’ He was still stroking my thigh. God, it felt good. Snap out of it.
‘So your impression of a date is meeting at an student art exhibition filled with lots of people, including your wife?’ I had to mention her. ‘And our other date was shared with your assistant, here in my apartment?’
‘Yes, I admit the circumstances could be different.’ He laughed, and I held back a giggle too. The tension was gone. ‘But that being said, I haven’t been able to stop thinking of you since our first meeting. That should count for something.’ He kissed my knees. I was caving.
‘Maybe you should go’, I whispered.
‘Are you throwing me out?’
‘No.’
He kept stroking me.
‘But if you keep doing that, I might do something I’m going to regret in the morning.’
‘Well, we can’t have that, can we?’ He winked at me and held up his
hands. Then he moved to the other corner. ‘See, I can be good.’
We stayed in our designated corners the rest of the night, talking about my art and life here in London, and his movies. Neither of us mentions my non-existence family or his wife. The last thing I remembered was Christopher telling a story about shooting a movie in Tibet.
Chapter 5
«I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.»
- Mae West
I woke by the sun shining through a small crack in the curtain. I was in my bed, and I wasn’t alone. My head was throbbing, and my mouth dry, but what concerned me the most was that I didn’t remember how I got here. And why did Christopher sleep beside me? He was lying on his front, and I could see his bare back. Was he naked? I lifted the covers, and saw my own shorts and top was still on. I doubted that I had sex and put them back on, so I was kind of relieved about that. But then again, I doubted that I could have sex with Christopher and not remember it. I lifted the covers again, and looked over at him. He still had his long johns on, thank god.
I was afraid to move, so I lay on my side and watched him. His face was turned to me, and I could study his beautiful features. It was almost painful to watch, and I had to restrain myself from touching him. I lay still for a few more minutes, enjoying the view. But then nature called, I needed to go to the bathroom. I removed my covers slowly, and tried to ease my way off the bed.
The image that met me in the bathroom mirror should have made it crack. I was grateful that I had awakened before he had. My dark make-up was smudge all over, and my braided hair was a mess. I tried to remove the make-up, wishing I could clean my whole body. But I didn’t want to be standing in here naked if he woke. The door didn’t have a lock. I was afraid he would wake when I flushed, and took a quick peek from the bathroom door. He was still lying in the same position, eyes closed. So I took a chance and jumped in the shower, untangling my hair as the warm water hit my body. It felt wonderful. I tried not to think of the last person using my shower. I tried not to think about him naked. I tried to convince myself that I made the right decision last night. After five minutes I turned the water of reluctantly. It wasn’t before I was standing in the towel that I realized all my clothes were in the other room. I could put on the costume again, but decided against it. I wanted clean clothes. I wanted to look good when he woke and when he left me. After brushing my teeth and my hair, I tiptoed into my bedroom with a pink towel wrapped around me. He was still asleep. I got some clean under-wear in my drawer, but all the other clothes were behind sliding doors. So much for looking good. I knew that if I attempted to slide those doors, he would wake in a second, and see me in the towel. The doors made a terrible noise when pushed. I decided against it. In stead, I grabbed a short blue kimono-like bathrobe hanging beside the dresser. Then I tiptoed back to the bathroom to remove my towel.
