by Ani San
‘He does, but he bought himself free. I found out after my mother died. He had set up a huge trust fund for me, with the condition that we never contacted him.’
‘But you went to see him anyway.’ It wasn’t a question, more like a statement.
‘How did you know?’ I asked.
‘When I asked you about it before, I could see you got upset. I take it it didn’t go too well.’
I scoff. ‘You could say that.’ He didn’t answer, but waited patiently for me to continue.
‘I went to see him at his office in Oslo. My mother had been buried three weeks earlier, and I was in kind of a dark place. A part of me had hoped that he would come and get me when I lost my only family. But he sent his lawyer in stead. I hadn’t even turned eighteen. I wanted to meet him, to see what kind of man would abounded his adolescent daughter when she just lost her mother.’
‘What excuse did he have?’ Christopher asked when I didn’t continue.
‘He didn’t even come out of his office to meet me. I waited outside for half an hour before Alfred came and got me.’ It was embarrassing to think of the fit I had thrown, and the way the secretary had eyed me, like I was some sort of insane person.
‘Who is Alfred?’
‘The lawyer. Actually, Alfred has been good. He took care of me, got me home and later arranged for this apartment and the school.’
‘And you never got to see your father?’
‘No, I went back home. I had a boyfriend there who helped me deal with everything.’ Maybe helped was an overstatement. But he did take care of me.
‘A boyfriend? Should I be jealous?’
I laughed, but it was a forced laughter. ‘No, I left Erik before I got here. He had some…’ I didn’t know if I could share all of this. But I had been holding back for so many years, that when I finally started talking, it all flooded. It felt good to talk to Christopher. It felt safe. ‘Erik had some anger issues.’
I could see Christopher’s jaw tightened, and I hurried to defuse the subject. ‘He wasn’t that bad. In the beginning he really did helped me. I couldn’t take care of myself, so I let him take control. It was all good at first…’ My voice trailed off. This wasn’t helping.
‘This Erik-guy, he hit you?’ His voice was tense.
‘It wasn’t always his fault, I knew how he would react to certain things, so it was my fault too. I had a tendency to agitating him without meaning to.’
‘There is no excuse to hit someone, no matter what.’ He was angry now.
‘I know,’ I said, trying to calm him down. ‘It doesn’t matter, it’s a long time ago. Why are you so upset?’
‘I’m sorry. It’s just that, my sister Cindy was in a relationship like that. She even ended up in hospital, but refused to press charges. We begged her to break it off, we even tried to chase him away, but she always took his side.’
‘What happened to her?’ I asked, recognizing the story. I knew exactly how she felt.
‘He ended up in prison for some theft, and she met Harold. She finally managed to break free.’
We lay in silence for a while, both thinking of the past.
‘It always amazes me how women seem to forgive anything when they are in love. Even when the person they love are cruel to them.’
‘Most of them think they deserve it. Like it’s her own fault. If she tries to be better, behave different, then there will be no reason to be angry. Maybe she didn’t pay enough attention to his needs, maybe she was too selfish. And the guy is always so apologetic afterwards, promising that it would never happen again, that he loves her and will do anything for her, and she starts to believe that she can change him, if she only tries harder to be good. If she can just hold on a little longer, than everything will be alright.’ I didn’t know I was crying until his finger removed something moist from my cheek.
‘I will kill him,’ he whispered in my ear.
‘He’s not worth it’ I whispered back. ‘I would rather that you kiss me and make all the bad go away.’
Christopher stayed until Tuesday morning, making me behind on my sketching. It was decided that Charles would pick me up early on Wednesday, so I spent the day packing when Christopher left. Alice came over later the same day, fishing for information. She got annoyed when I told her that I would probably be too busy to go out the next two weeks.
‘So what did you think about Tommy’s girlfriend,’ she asked me while I debated what dresses to bring.
‘I don’t know,’ I answered truthfully. ‘She seemed nice enough.’
‘She asked about you.’ Alice said, positioning her self on my bed.
I turned around. ‘She did? What did she say?’
‘She asked about how you knew my uncle, and how long you were staying. I think she wants your place.’
I didn’t answer, instead I turned back to my closet.
‘I tell you, you need to be careful. She will have you thrown out of here in no time, I bet she’s a daddys girl.’
‘I really don’t care,’ I said. ‘This apartment was only mine as long as I went to that school. I have to find a new place anyway.’
‘So you’re just going to give in. Let her waltz in here like she owns the place?’
‘She is not that bad. I really don’t care.’ I sat down beside her, giving the clothes a break. It was much easier to pack the paint stuff. ‘That reminds me. After I’m done with this painting, will you come apartment hunting with me?’
Her smile lit up her whole face. ‘So you’re staying in London?’
‘Yes, I think so. I really like this city with all its fog and rain and asphalt.’
She clapped her hands and vowed to start looking in the papers the first thing tomorrow. Then she helped me pick out the rest of my clothes. We ended the night with a couple of glasses of red vine, talking about vacation, Kiro and her new job. I was relieved that she seemed to give up the questioning about my mystery man.
Chapter 10
«Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.»
-Bob Marley
I had stayed at the mansion about eight days when Christopher returned. I had been painting almost every waking moment, mainly because I found it difficult to be in the rest of the house. The study and my bedroom were the only rooms I stayed in more than a few minutes. And occasionally the kitchen, though Anna served me food in the study at regular intervals, probably because I forgot to get something myself the first day. I tended to get distracted when I was working on something new, and I had an old habit of blocking out hunger.
It felt weird staying in someone else’s home, but only the first night. Anna had given me the tour of the house and then showed me one of the guest rooms closest to the stairs on the second floor. The room was larger than my living room, and had a private bathroom attached. The outer wall was covered in floor to ceiling windows facing the back yard, where I had a good view of the beautiful garden. In additional to a large maple bed and the matching dresser, there was a khaki chaise longue by the window and a small table beside it. The wall was covered in light yellow wallpaper with shades of golden butterflies. The floor had a tick white carpet that felt wonderful when I walked barefoot. I loved the room. When I was so tired in my arms that I couldn’t hold a brush anymore, I went straight back to my room and sat by the windows and stared at the garden. I didn’t watch TV, because that meant I had to stay downstairs. I rarely used my laptop. I talked to Alice a couple of times, and got a few texts from Una and a couple of other classmates. Only a few from Christopher, and no calls. I tried not to be bothered with it, but I couldn’t help it. The painting distracted me, though. After countless hours it was beginning to feel ready. I had already added the text I wanted, something I usually saved to the very end.
I was putting on some finishing touches when Christopher came. I hadn’t heard him arrived, my focus was only on the canvas in front of me. First, I thought it was Anna who came with lunch, because it had been hours since I had my breakfast. I turn
ed around to thank her, only to see him standing in the doorframe. As my eyes met his a warm heat fluttered through my body. I wanted to run to him and jump him like the last time, but I held back. Instead I savoured the sight of him. He looked tired. There were dark shadows under his eyes. That didn’t make him less beautiful, though. I on the other hand, was a mess. I hadn’t expected him back so soon. My hair was strapped in a messy bun, and my white tunic and my ash-grey capris were stained with all kinds of colour. Both my hands were covered in paint, and I was sure I had some in my face to. I wished I could sneak out of there and clean myself up. Or I wished Anna had told me he was coming, so I could have appear a bit more presentable. It was to late now. He was standing in the doorway appraising me. It made me even more conscious of my appearance.
‘You’re back,’ I said carefully. He looked so serious.
My words seemed to wake him out of his trance. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said as he walked towards me. He put his arms around me, and placed his lips on my forehand. I felt him inhaling, and his lips caressed my skin. I closed my eyes, amazed of how much I had missed him. I didn’t care that he hadn’t called, he was here now.
‘I’ve missed you so much.’ His words were echoing my thoughts. ‘How are you? How is the painting going?’ He started to walk behind me, but I stopped him.
‘Wait! You shouldn’t see it before it is done.’ I pulled a white sheet over the canvas. It was tucked above the canvas, and I used to cover the painting every night before I left the room.
‘You know I already saw it when I came in,’ he said, smiling at my gesture.
‘I know,’ I smiled back. ‘Please pretend that you didn’t.’
‘Well, actually I didn’t, I was only looking at you. How have you been?’
‘Comfortable. Anna really spoiled me.’ I was cleaning my fingers with a cloth, and started to put the brushes away. ‘How was your trip?’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t call. It was never the right time, and I was rarely alone’
‘That’s ok. I have been busy. I didn’t expect you back so soon.’ I didn’t mention how I had missed hearing his voice.
‘There were some complications in Florence, I had to make sure Julia got home safely.’
‘What kind of complications?’ I asked, trying to mask my displeasure about the fact that Julia was back too.
‘I can’t really tell you. Maybe later,’ he said evasively.
I didn’t want to seem demanding and needy, but I was disappointed that he didn’t seem to trust me. I let it go. ‘I thought you were going to Nice, to the award show.’
‘I was. I am. Actually, I have to leave again in a few hours. But I’ll be back to morrow morning.’
He is leaving again. Why did he bother coming home if he only had a couple of hours? There was something that bothered me more: ‘Is Julia staying?’
‘No, she is flying to New York tonight. She decided this on the way over, and didn’t even bother to go home, she had Anna pack her some new things and meet her at the airport.’
‘Anna is leaving too?’ I was glad Julia wasn’t coming home, but Christopher was leaving and if Anna left too then I would be alone. It’s funny how depended I had gotten in the last week, after a life of loneliness.
‘No, Anna isn’t leaving,’ Christopher laughed. ‘Haven’t she told you? She is terrified of flying. She never travels with me overseas.’
‘Oh!’ was all I could respond.
‘Can you take a break from your work? I would love for you to have lunch with me.’
‘I can do that,’ I smiled. ‘Just give me ten minutes to freshen myself up.’
‘Of course. I’ll have the chef make us something and serve it in the garden. It is a beautiful day outside, but you probably haven’t noticed.’
‘There is a chef?’ I asked astonished. I had just assumed that Anna made the food she brought me.
He just laughed at me, shaking his head. ‘Anna told me you were here all the time. I didn’t take her literally. Come into the back garden when you’re ready.’
And then he left me, and I hurried down the hall and up the stairs to my room. I grimaced at my reflection in the mirror. My hair was all over the place, and I did have paint both in my hair and face. The only way I could salvage this was in the shower. I was anxious to get back to him and spend the little time we had together, but I wasn’t about to go back downstairs like a scarecrow. So I took the time to wash my hair and scrub all the paint stains off. I decided on a blue summer dress, and applied the basic makeup before I went downstairs. It had taken twenty minutes, but it was worth it when I saw the look on his face as I came down the stairs. He was waiting for me on the last step, his eyes locked on me as I descended.
‘I want to turn you around and take you back to your room,’ he whispered in my ear as I reached him.
‘This isn’t ok?’ I asked with fake innocent, looking down on my dress. ‘Cause I could go change.’
I took a step back, but he grabbed my hand to stop me. ‘Don’t be stupid. I love your dress. I just love to see you out of it too.’
‘Well, that could be arranged,’ I smiled, as he pulled on my arm until I was pressed against him.
His lips met mine, and I felt his hand trail my back, and pushed me closer. It felt right being in his arms. Then my stomach chose to make the loudest sound broadcasting another need. I gasped for air as he let go of me.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ambush you like that,’ he said, trying to catch his own breath. ‘The food is ready, we should go eat.’
Then he grabbed my hand and went the opposite way of what I had in mind. Screw the food, I thought. If he only had a little time, I knew a better way to spend it. Who needed food anyway? My stomach chose to give another hint, and I had to admit to myself; I was hungry.
I’ve only seen the garden from my bedroom view and the study, and got amazed by the sweet smell of flowers that surrounded the air. Beds of colours were planted in front of huge maples and willow trees surrounding the garden. The willow trees gave the place a sense of mystic. This was an absolute private place, with no neighbour house in view and no transparency from the streets.
Christopher was right about the weather, it was a beautiful summer day. It felt nice as the sun hit my face, and I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, savouring the moment. Christopher dragged my hand to a nearby patio, with a round table plated for two. My mouth watered at the sights of croissants, sandwiches and fruit.
We were enjoying each other’s company and the tasty croissants, when Christopher looked over my shoulder with a frown on his face. I turn automatically and see Anna standing hesitant in the doorway, ten feet behind us.
‘Excuse me for just a moment, Sara,’ he said as he got up and walked toward her.
‘My apologizes, sir. I just wanted you to know that I’m back,’ I heard Anna say as he neared her. Her voice sounded tired, resigned, and not the usual professional voice I had grown accustom to. I turn back around, trying to give them their privacy. Since he walked to her instead of gesturing her to the table, I guessed they were talking about something that didn’t concern me. It only made me curious.
‘How is she?’ I heard Christopher ask in a low tone.
‘I’m not sure, sir. I’ve never seen her like this. Visiting her mother should do her good, I’m sure of it.’
‘I hope your right, Anna. Did you arrange the flight to Nice?’
‘I’m sorry, sir, but the six o’clock flight was fully booked. I was able get a common seat on the four o’clock.’
‘That means I have to leave in an hour.’
‘Yes, sir. I have already arranged that with Charles. Is there anything else I can do for you before you leave?’
‘Yes. Pack a new suitcase for me, and make sure a suit is ready at my hotel room.’
‘Certainly, sir,’ she said, and then I heard Christopher’s steps as he returned.
I wanted to ask him about Julia, if there was something wrong with he
r. But apparently, that was not my concern. He kissed me on the head as he passed me.
‘Now, where were we?’ he asked, taking a sip at his tea.
‘Are you leaving already?’ I asked, ignoring his question.
‘Oh, you heard that? Yes, unfortunately. That means I have to postpone the plans I had for you this afternoon.’
‘Oh, really? And what plans would that be?’ I asked innocent.
‘I can tell you this much, it didn’t include your dress,’ he grinned.
I blushed and thought about his look when I came down the stairs. Then I thought about his conversation with Anna. The mood change was enough to give me whiplash. It was like he was trying too hard to hide from me that something was wrong. I didn’t want to pry. But I didn’t like to be kept in the dark either. I didn’t like secrets, which is kind of ironic, since my whole existence is a secret. Christopher started to tell me more about Nice, continuing the conversation from before Anna interrupted him. I was only half listening, my mind drifted to Julia, Anna, my father and Sandra; too many secrets. And I had kept something from Alice. I hadn’t told her where I was or who I was with. I knew she was disappointed in me for that. Like I didn’t trust her. But I did. She was my best friend, and I was immensely grateful to have her in my life. But I couldn’t share everything with her regardless. I hadn’t shared my story about my father because she knew who he was, I knew she had met him. And the fact that she had met him and I hadn’t was too painful to talk about. I didn’t tell Alice about Erik either, because that would make her look at me differently. Like I was weak, or a victim that should have fought back. I should have fought back. Or I should have tried to be better. Either way, I didn’t want to have my friend look at me with pity. Leaving Norway gave me a clean slate. Maybe this was a mistake I would regret too. After all, I didn’t fit in his world. I could never be an official part of Christopher’s life. And that meant that I had to keep secrets. I wasn’t comfortable with that. But looking at the man in front of me, I knew I couldn’t walk away. I had no way to resist him, my body craved him just by looking at him.
