by S. J. Nelson
“I hope I haven't messed things up by being honest.” His determined eyes searched her face, took note of her folded arms; the closed body language spoke of her discomfort.
She shook her head. “I'm going through a divorce right now and it has the potential to get ugly fast. I'm confused about a lot of things; this probably isn't the best time to make new friends.”
His lips pursed. He planned to be more than friends. “How long were you married?”
“Five years. I was young and silly and thought I was doing the right thing.”
“Any children?” She was still young, early twenties to his early thirties, too young to give up on relationships. He'd make sure she understood not all men were jerks.
“No,” she said wistfully, grabbing his attention. Her face tightened in pain. He hoped she hadn't been violated to the point she couldn’t have children.
“It was never the right time, except now, of course.” Her lips curled ruefully at the corners.
“Huh?”
“He's offered to have a family if I return.” Her voice lowered.
“Are you considering— ” The thought of her leaving sent an unexpected jolt of panic through him.
“Hell, no.” She scowled. “Not in a hundred years, plus some.” Her horrified expression appeared sincere, and he released the breath he'd held...wondering why it mattered so much that she would not be returning to her ex.
“I'm divorced.” Her head whipped around. He nodded. “It was final two years ago. We weren't married as long as you were, but we'd dated off and on all through high school and college. After college, I hit the rodeo circuit for a while, saved up some money and we got married. Funny thing, once we were married it didn't take long to discover we didn't love each other like that. I wanted to end it right then, but she wanted to try to make it work. We had a lot of history, she was comfortable, so it drug out another two years. I discovered she just wanted the time to shop for another husband. Once she hooked him, she granted me the divorce.” He shrugged at her shocked expression.
“That's awful. Why would anyone treat someone like that?” Her hands balled into fists, she exhaled before releasing them.
“No, Lena.” He stared into her eyes to impart this truth. “That's real life. She didn't love me. I didn't love her. Sometimes people make mistakes. Painful mistakes. But life continues.”
“How long did it take you to reach this point?” She stared at him, a frown marred her brow.
“What point?” He answered, pleased with her sign of interest in him.
She waved her arm in his direction. “This point of not caring, being rational, over the hurt. I mean it still bothers me, a lot. I don’t know if I could be so, so, blasé about it any time soon.”
“My pride took most of the beating.” He chuckled, pulling his ear in remembrance. “Once I realized I was more embarrassed that everyone knew she'd been cheating, than I cared about the marriage being over, I let it go. I didn't miss her, although it was nice having someone in the house. I didn't want her back even when she made the offer.”
“Your ex wanted you back?”
“Doesn't yours?” He leaned back, watching the expressions chase across her face, which surprised him. It’d been a while since he met anyone so open. It was refreshing. Maybe he’d reconsider his one-date rule. Somehow he didn’t think once would be enough. She had an interesting mix of innocence and fire. It lay banked, smoldering beneath the surface. Her husband obviously didn’t realize the gem he had. Tough. His ignorance was Kurt's delight.
She nodded slowly, thinking. “Yeah, he's sorry and wants me to stop the divorce. He wants me to come home.” She shook her head. “There's no way I could ever trust or forgive him.”
Trust, from his experience, was a touchy subject. While he was glad she wasn’t interested in returning to the fool who let her go, he didn’t want her so hardened by her past she couldn’t move on. Most people were imperfect and could be forgiven most things. “Why? Why can't you forgive him?”
She sighed and shook her head. “I don't want to talk about him right now.” A knock sounded at the door. He swore beneath his breath at the interruption.
He stood and looked at the door. “Yes?”
Jeff, his best friend and top salesman, opened the door. His eyes swept the room, looking between the two occupants.
“Sorry to disturb you.” He frowned slightly. “Faye's looking for you. She's made a decision about a car.” He offered a small smile in her direction as she walked past him, but sent a puzzled frown to Kurt.
“Don't ask,” Kurt said following her out the door.
Chapter 2
Lena left Faye at the dealership to complete the paperwork for her new car. Her conversation with Kurt had slashed open the new scabs on her heart.
Kurt. She closed her eyes remembering the blue-green eyes that laid her soul bare. It wasn't his six plus feet of muscular perfection that grabbed her attention. Or his wavy black-brown thick hair layered perfectly around his angular face, with high cheekbones and straight narrow nose topped off an interesting masculine package. She’d dated more handsome men.
Without a doubt, she would've overlooked all of that if it weren't for his over-whelming self-confidence. At a time when hers was at an all time low, his strength of conviction penetrated her morass of self-hatred, and offered a balm for her bruised ego. His words made her think, and that was a good thing.
After parking her car in the driveway, she leaned back against the headrest and swallowed hard. What did she feel? Embarrassment? Most definitely. Pain? Yeah, that too. Did the hurt stem from the humiliation or her romantic heart? After years of trying to fit in and be what her husband wanted, she questioned her heart for the first time. Was that love? What did she feel for the man? Sure, she burst with pride when he delivered powerful sermons and people responded. Pride? There had to be more.
Had her body ever quivered in desire when he touched her, looked at her? Had he even looked at her the way Kurt did, with hungry eyes? Searching her memory, she couldn’t place a time when her ex looked at her with half the heat the man she’d just met had. Of course, he wanted to have sex with her. But hadn’t Elijah? She shook her head and leaned back against the seat rest. Did she miss being with him? Seeing his sardonic smile, hearing his voice, or the way he watched her take care of him. Why didn’t her body ache for him?
Their sex life was a series of hit and misses. More misses since she was being honest. The man had been a virgin on their wedding night and had no idea of foreplay. He’d never gotten the hang of it. She’d chalked it up to being a Christian, buried her sexual desires, and focused on being a good wife.
What if there was more? What if behind his take-it-or-leave-it attitude, he really had no interest in sex with her or any woman? He’d been the only one she’d been with the past five years, but the way he acted, they could’ve been room-mates with occasional benefits. Hell, one of his members could’ve cooked, cleaned, and made sure he made his appointments on time. If she pushed through the pain of his deceit, what was there after the hurt? Tears leaked through closed lids. She’d done everything she knew to be good, to do right, and this was her reward.
“God!” she screamed, the sound reverberated through the car. “Where were you in all this? Why didn’t you tell me?” Anger and shame at her stupidity heated her face in the silence after her outburst. Squeezing her eyes, she thought long and hard. Once she dismissed the shame, there was little else. Leaving the comfort of her car, she headed inside Faye's home, took a painkiller, and lay on the sofa.
Much later, while the house was still quiet, she grabbed a piece of paper, and wrote two columns. Pros and cons of her five years. She'd just started when Faye walked in.
“What's up?” her friend asked taking a huge gulp of her soft drink while looking at her.
“I'm writing down all the things I accomplished in the past five years. Good and bad.”
Faye's brow rose. “Really? What brought this on
?”
Lena ducked her head. Faye had been trying to get her to open up the last two weeks about the divorce, but she'd blown her off, not ready to discuss it. Maybe the discussion with Kurt, hearing him talk about his owned failed marriage, bolstered her courage. “I read a letter from Elijah and something he said made me wonder.”
“What'd he say?” Faye sat in the chair across from her.
“Hold up.” Lena left the room, and on her return, she handed Faye the envelope. Seconds passed as she waited for the explosion. It didn't take long.
“What the fuck?” Faye jumped up, eyes wide. “You caught him in bed with a man and his daddy hit you? Who the hell are these assholes? And why am I just finding out about this?” Her eyes blazed before narrowing.
Lena shrugged, ashamed. “I couldn't talk about it. Notice, I let you read it instead of saying what happened.” Her eyes remained fixed on the columns as if that could magically make everything more palatable.
“Can you tell me what happened?” Faye asked her voice softer. “I know we were out of touch during that time, but we've always been girls.” Lena looked into the earnest eyes of her childhood friend, nodded, and sat back.
“Okay, let me get something to drink first.” Lena stood and retrieved her bottle of water from the fridge. “We were all good friends; Elijah, Anthony, and me. They were roommates at Bible College and worked together in the ministry.”
“So that rumor was true. You married a Baptist preacher.” Faye looked at her before returning the tattered envelope.
She nodded. Her chest tightened. “Yeah Elijah took over the church from his dad not long after we were married.”
“I've always felt like something happened when your Nana died to set you off. Am I right?” Faye leaned back on the sofa.
Lena closed her eyes remembering how scared she'd been at the time. Her girlfriend touched her hand; her eyes opened. Faye had tears in her eyes. "You'll never know how much I regretted not going with you to visit your Nana after you asked. As soon as you left on the train, I felt I'd let you down. I swore I'd make it up to you when you came back, but you never did."
She nodded, too full to speak.
"For days, I asked around, trying to find out what happened,” Faye said. “Somebody told me your grandma died. Your mom left and came back, but you never did. Andre, Malik, Raoul, they all kept asking me what happened to you, where'd you disappear too? That's what it felt like, like you pulled a Houdini. Your cell number didn't work. I couldn't make contact with you. Nothing. Finally, your mom told all your boyfriends you'd married some preacher and you weren’t coming back. I think Malik told me in the store." Faye looked down at her hand. "I couldn't believe it. I mean I knew I'd let you down and everything, but you just dropped me like I meant nothing. Like we hadn't been best friends since forever. Not even a postcard." After a moment, she stared at Lena. "Why?" she whispered the word softly.
Lena wiped the tears from her own cheeks and inhaled. "I have no excuse except, I was in a bad place." She looked up at the ceiling, praying for the strength her Nana always claimed she had. Listening to her friend made her realize how self-centered she'd been all those years. More shame engulfed her. "I went to see Nana, and she looked so bad, just skin and bones. I couldn't stand seeing her die. I hated it.” Blinking back tears, she stared ahead. “Nana waited for me."
She remembered that day clearly. It had changed the course of her life. "She waited until I walked into her bedroom and closed the door. I remember she waved me close to the bed, grabbed my hand, and told me off." Lena chuckled.
Faye smiled.
“She got on me for sleeping around, dropping out of high school, reminded me about the time I lived with her and all the potential I had locked up inside me." In a small voice she continued, "I was so ashamed. I don't know how she knew about all the stuff I'd been doing, or not doing. Somehow, she did. She told me to leave those thugs alone and marry a nice Christian man; claimed he'd treat me right. She wouldn't let go of my hand until I promised to change my ways."
Faye grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "I'm sorry Leen. I didn't know. That must've been hard, she was your world."
Anyone who knew Lena knew she loved her Nana more than anything in the world. It wasn't just because the older woman had raised her until she reached her teens. Nana was the only one who truly loved her. Every day, the older woman reinforced her emotions with words or actions. She made it plain how much she loved her granddaughter.
"No, no one knew,” Lena whispered into the silence. “Not even mama. I was afraid if I told anyone what I'd promised, they'd talk me out of it." She glanced at Faye, her brow raised.
"Yeah, I would've tried to talk you out of it." They smiled sadly.
"So what? You married the first Christian man you met?" Faye released her hand.
"Pretty much." Lena sighed, remembering her first impressions of Elijah. "I was at Nana's church that Sunday. I needed to meet with the Pastor, thank him for the funeral, stuff like that. They had a young guest minister. Elijah Pace.”
"Elijah?"
"Yeah." She smiled at Faye's expression of disbelief. "That's my ex-husband's first name."
Faye snorted. "They were full of it, weren't they?"
Lena smiled but made no comment. Her thoughts on her in-laws were murky. "Anyway, I was talking with Nana's pastor after the service when this tall, dark and handsome brother stopped beside me."
Faye rolled her eyes. "Elijah? So he's good looking?" She snorted. "Of course he's good-looking, that's why he was a dog."
"He was alright, nothing like Malik or Raoul."
"No one is, girl. Those men were fine." She looked at Lena slyly. "Raoul hooked up with Kathy Ames." Lena's eyes widened.
"No," she said, exhaling. "Kathy Ames! Quiet, always reading a book, Kathy Ames? I can't see her with butt-wild Raoul. Although... you know what they say about being a lady in the streets." Lena let the sentence hang as Faye laughed.
"I missed this," Lena said sobering, twisting Faye’s fingers with hers. "I thought I was doing the right thing, turning my life around. I got into the church, dealt with all kinds of people, made some friends. It wasn't that I wasn't familiar with Baptist living. Nana had me in church the first thirteen years of my life. It's just that things moved so fast with Elijah, neither of us took the time to know each other." She paused, realizing that was an understatement. He and Anthony had lived together for years, and she never put two and two together.
"I never talked to him about my wild lifestyle before him. Never. I never talked about mama or anything from that part of my life. It was as if I shut a door and became this new person. Looking back, I think I had to do that in order to go forward. But it wasn't me."
"You look good now," Faye said, watching her. "You went back to school, picked up a degree. It couldn't have been all bad."
"No." She smiled, reflecting on the satisfaction she'd felt when she graduated from college. It had been a long road, but she'd made it. "It wasn't all bad. A part of me enjoyed the challenge of college, working in the church with Elijah, and setting up house.” She paused. “A part of me resented it.” Her voice dropped low, thinking no one would hear her dark confession. “I think just beneath the surface, I knew I didn't love him the way Nana loved Papa. I loved what he was supposed to represent." She looked at her friend, trying to find the right words. "He represented safety, peace, and stability all in a nice package. Nana would've been happy."
"Hmpff,” Faye snorted. “After she found out his daddy hit you, she'd be kicking his ass up and down the road."
Lena nodded; her Nana did not play when it came to her. "You're right." After all these years, she still ached over the loss of the woman. "Besides ending the relationship, I think Nana would've approved of what I did with my life. The last time we talked, her disappointment in me bout killed me. I couldn't meet her eyes. I felt dirty, cheap. During her funeral, I vowed to do better; so I flipped the script, left my old life behind and forged a new o
ne." Except, I still feel cheap. She brushed the thought aside.
"I get that.” Faye bounced forward on the seat. “But here's the thing, your Nana would be horrified if she knew you did all that and was miserable. She wanted you to have a love like she had. Balance is the key. Girl, you could've completed all the things you did with someone you loved. You went from one extreme to the other. I don't think she wanted that either."
She shrugged. "I had that insight six months into my marriage. I talked to Elijah about it, asked if he thought we'd rushed since there was no real passion, even from the get-go."
"What? You’re kidding!" Faye sat up. “You’ve always dated older men. If memory serves me correctly, and it does.” Her brow rose as she sent Lena a smug look. “You got some serious throwdowns on a regular basis. A lot of those guys were sprung and still ask about you whenever I visit home. Shit, you were a legend.” She grinned at Lena’s discomfort.
“That’s the past.”
“The past still counts if that’s the last time you hollered and hit a high note. Or fed your kitty kat. Damn girl, I go to church, but I’m a woman with needs. When was the last time you hit the big O with a man? Your toys don't count.”
Heat suffused her face and neck. “Been a minute,” she murmured. “He was real conservative in bed. Missionary only, no interest in mixing it up, and had no problem sleeping in another room."
"Oh honey, he was gay." Faye pulled her close and patted her back. Humiliated, Lena closed her eyes. Ten minutes into the conversation and her girl picked up on what she hadn’t in five years.
"You think?" Lena chuckled sarcastically into the embrace.
Faye pushed her back, face serious. "Yeah. Most men are dogs. Just because he was a preacher don't mean he wouldn't want freaky sex. Hell, my mama's pastor was always feeling up somebody. If he didn't want to violate you sexually a thousand ways, he was into men. That's all there is to it. It wasn't you."
