"Let's head back," Jake said, as if he sensed how awkward Tom was feeling.
Tom nodded. "Fine." He hated himself for the way he felt, but he could hardly wait to get back to the Rollinses' house, to get away from Jake.
Nine
"Enid," Elizabeth said at lunchtime on Tuesday, "are you going to tell me what's bothering you, or do I have to watch you suffer in silence?"
Enid pushed her sandwich away. "I'm upset about Jake," she said simply. "I feel awkward about this, Liz. Jake told me something in confidence and I'm not sure how he'd feel about my telling anyone else."
Elizabeth nodded. A confidence was something she very much respected, and she would never urge her friend to share a secret she had promised not to share.
"On the other hand, I really need to talk it over." Enid brushed back her curly hair in frustration. "I blew it with Jake, big-time. I wouldn't mind getting another perspective on what happened. Particularly from you, Liz. I know you would have done and said the right thing no matter what."
"Tell me what happened," Elizabeth said gently. "I promise no one else will hear about it, not even Todd."
Enid glanced around. "OK, but not here. Let's go outside and sit on the lawn."
"Sure." Elizabeth was a little surprised. Whatever Enid had to say must be pretty serious if she did not want to talk about it in the lunchroom.
"Jake and I spent Sunday afternoon together," Enid said when she and Elizabeth had found an isolated spot on the front lawn. "I had pushed for some time alone with Jake because I got the sense this weekend that he had gone through some big changes. But it was such a social weekend we didn't have any time to really talk until Sunday. At first, the conversation was the usual. Jake wanted to know about boyfriends, and I told him about Hugh. . . ." Hugh Grayson had been Enid's most recent serious boyfriend. "And then he told me about himself."
Elizabeth nodded. "And?"
Enid took a deep breath. "He told me he's gay."
The two girls looked at each other in silence. Elizabeth tried to assimilate the news. "He'd never said anything about it before?" she asked softly.
Enid shook her head. "No. Nothing. To tell you the truth, I was pretty shocked."
"But he must trust you a lot to be able to confide in you," Elizabeth said reassuringly.
Enid looked pained. "Well, that's one of the reasons I feel like such a jerk! Liz, I never thought I was the slightest bit prejudiced. But when I heard Jake say the word 'gay,' my reaction was terrible! I know I must have looked as if he had just dropped a bomb on me. I couldn't say anything at all for about five minutes. Then I blurted out something dumb like 'Why didn't you tell me before?' as if he'd been keeping a secret from me. Which, of course, he hadn't." Enid looked miserable.
"It's understandable that you'd be startled," Elizabeth said.
Enid shook her head. "Imagine how much courage it took Jake to tell me. The minute I became aware of how I was reacting, I tried to stop myself. All Sunday night at the party I felt like a zombie. I couldn't relax. All I could think about was what Jake had told me, and what kind of an impact it was going to have on me." Enid plucked a blade of grass and frowned. "I wonder why reactions to important news tend to be so selfish. I didn't even really think about Jake, about how he must be feeling about my reaction, how hard it must've been for him."
"Well, did you talk to Jake after the party?" Elizabeth asked.
"Yesterday morning, before I took Jake to the airport, we had breakfast together." Enid smiled. "Just the two of us. My mom had gone to the store, and you know, it was like old times! We were goofing around, being silly, he was making me laugh the way he always does. And suddenly I realized that Jake was just—Jake. That what he told me on Sunday doesn't change one thing about him for me. I love him like crazy. It's who he is that matters for our relationship, not the kinds of choices he makes about his other relationships."
Elizabeth smiled. "Well, it sounds as if it all worked out. Why are you still upset?"
"Because my first reaction was to be shocked, to judge him. If Jake's own cousin reacted so badly, what can Jake expect from the rest of the world?"
Elizabeth took a deep breath. "You're right," she said. "There are a lot of people out there who will never get past the shock and the judgment. They won't give Jake a chance. They won't ever find out what a great tennis player he is or that he loves jazz and science fiction, that he's a great dancer and a wonderful friend. But, Enid, that's their problem!"
"It's Jake's problem, too," Enid said sadly. "I just wish there were some way I could make life easier for him. When we were saying goodbye at the airport, I felt so bad for him, Liz. Not pity. I felt as if I wanted to protect him from all the hurt he's going to have to face."
Elizabeth put her arms around Enid and gave her a warm hug. "I don't think I could have been so honest with myself, that I could have acted with as much love and empathy as you did."
"You would have. Of course you would have," Enid cried. Her eyes filled with tears. "I guess all we've got in the end is our capacity to respect one another," she said softly.
Elizabeth was quiet for a while. "You know," she said at last, "I have a feeling your cousin is going to make it."
"I hope so," Enid said. "It shouldn't have to be so hard for Jake and other people who are gay to make the choice they need to make. There shouldn't have to be so much pain."
Elizabeth didn't know what else to say. She knew there weren't any easy solutions.
"Do you think Jake will come back and visit?" Elizabeth asked her friend.
"Not for a while," Enid said sadly. "But maybe if I keep asking him, he'll come to know how welcome he really is. And that's all I can hope for."
Tom had hardly slept since Enid's barbecue on Sunday night. Each night he lay on his bed and went over his conversation with Jake. Once or twice, early Monday morning, he had picked up the phone to call Jake at Enid's house. But he couldn't bring himself to make the call.
Tom could not understand how he could have let such negative emotions get in the way of his good feelings about Jake. Where had those emotions come from? Tom was not a bigot. He didn't have any fixed, narrow ideas about the kinds of private choices people should make. Jake was a wonderful guy, and someone whose friendship Tom had really begun to value. So why had he acted so stupidly when Jake confided in him?
"There must be something wrong with me," Tom muttered as he got dressed for school on Tuesday morning. What possible reason could there have been for the intensity of his reaction on Sunday night . . . unless . . .
Tom suddenly felt cold, even though it was very warm in his bedroom. How had Jake found out he was gay? Did he just wake up one day and know?
Maybe that's why I reacted the way I did, Tom thought. The suddenness of the realization made him sit down on his bed. Maybe I was so nervous because I'm scared about me. I'm afraid I might be gay, too.
Tom sat staring out the window. For a while he couldn't bring himself to do anything. He couldn't even bear to put on his shoes and socks or go downstairs for breakfast.
I need to think. Tom ran his hand across his eyes. His relationship with Jeanie had fallen apart because, much as he loved her, he did not, could not feel any passion for her. And what about his feelings toward Amy Sutton? Most guys would be thrilled to have a girl as pretty and as popular as Amy interested in them. Barry, for instance. Barry wanted Amy to like him. And Tom . . . Tom could not imagine anything romantic with Amy at all.
Tom sighed. He felt terrible. What if he was gay? Would the kids at school despise or ostracize him? Would he still be able to play on the tennis team? A thousand questions crowded his mind. Tom realized he badly needed to talk to someone. But to whom?
Mr. Collins pushed back his chair and looked thoughtfully at Elizabeth. "See if you can run down to Project Youth sometime this week. From what Ms. Jacobi tells me about the place, I think it would be a good idea for us to cover it in The Oracle," he said. "You might try to get an interview with eac
h of the student volunteers from Sweet Valley High. I think they'd be a real inspiration to the rest of the student body. It takes a lot of courage to work with troubled kids."
Elizabeth nodded. Mr. Collins was her favorite teacher and the faculty adviser for The Oracle, Sweet Valley High's school paper.
"Sounds great," she said as she got to her feet. Just then there was a knock on the office door, and Tom McKay stuck his head inside the room.
"Oh, you're busy," he said. He sounded disappointed.
"I'm just leaving, Tom." Elizabeth gave Mr. Collins a wave and slipped out past Tom.
Tom closed the door after Elizabeth. What he had to do was not going to be easy, but of all the people he knew, Mr. Collins was the most sympathetic. Tom had always liked and trusted him.
It took Tom a moment to screw up the courage to begin. When he did start, he told Mr. Collins what had happened with Jake on Sunday night, and about how upset he had been over his reaction to Jake's telling him he was gay.
"I feel like such an idiot. Jake was really taking a risk, trusting me, and what did I do? I know I made him feel awful," Tom said.
Mr. Collins nodded. "Tom, sexuality isn't an easy subject for people of any age. But for people of your age, it's the very hardest It's not at all unusual for teenagers to question their sexual identity and to feel uncomfortable talking about it with another person."
Tom took a deep breath. "I'm sort of wondering about myself," he blurted out.
Mr. Collins was silent. His frank, sympathetic expression made it easier for Tom to go on.
"I'm scared to talk about it, but I feel as if I need advice," he said.
Mr. Collins nodded. "I don't blame you. You must feel very much alone and very confused." He reached for a piece of paper and wrote something on it. "There's a clinic in town that runs support groups for teenagers. I think the director may be able to help place you in one. Why don't you call her and make an appointment?" When Tom hesitated he added, "It's confidential, of course."
"I'm not ashamed," Tom said quickly. "I'm just confused.
Mr. Collins smiled. "I understand, Tom. And I'm glad you could talk to me. So often it's easier to keep something inside than to open up about it.
Tom took a deep breath. "I think I'm beginning to realize that.
"And maybe someday you can let Jake know how much his confidence meant to you," Mr. Collins added.
Tom nodded. One day soon, he would write Jake and thank him. He was still deeply ashamed of the way he had treated Enid's cousin. But at least now he was able to see some of the reasons for his own reaction.
However hard it would be, it was time to start figuring out who Tom McKay really was.
Ten
Elizabeth enjoyed her interview with Kathy Henry. She found the young director of Project Youth to be enthusiastic and forthright about the clinic and its goals. "We hope to fill a need in the community," Kathy told her as they wrapped up the interview. "Sweet Valley is a wonderful town, but that doesn't mean its teenagers don't need people to talk to when they're in trouble. And Project Youth also serves as a network to other clinics in the area." She grinned. "Right now, what we need most of all is publicity. I'm glad you're doing this story in your school paper. It will help to get the word out."
Elizabeth shook Kathy's hand and promised to send her a copy of the article when it was published.
"One last thing. I was hoping to do interviews with the student volunteers from Sweet Valley High," Elizabeth said.
Kathy glanced at her schedule. "Neither of the students is here this afternoon, but I can tell you, they're both terrific. You know, our high school volunteer program is relatively new, and I think when other kids hear their stories, they'll be interested in joining us. Why don't I give you their names so that you can arrange to interview them at school?"
"That's fine."
"Here, let me write them down for you." Kathy reached for a pencil and paper. "Barry Rork has been with us for over a year. He's a tremendous asset to the clinic and we're hoping he'll train to be a full counselor. The other volunteer has just started, but she's proving to be every bit as good. Her name is Amy Sutton."
Elizabeth was not sure she had heard Kathy correctly. "Amy—" she began.
"Amy Sutton. I think she's a junior," Kathy said as she handed Elizabeth the slip of paper.
Who would have guessed, Elizabeth thought, that Amy Sutton would volunteer for anything! Let alone for a worthwhile project like the youth clinic! Even more astonishing to Elizabeth was the fact that she had won the respect of the clinic's director. Pretty impressive for a girl who appeared to be such a flake, Elizabeth thought admiringly. "Thanks, Kathy. I'll find Barry and Amy at school and get the inside story on being a student volunteer."
"Great. You can go out through the waiting area." Kathy pointed ahead. "I have to visit our volunteers on the phone lines."
Elizabeth walked through the small, comfortably furnished waiting area. She was so absorbed with all the things Kathy Henry had told her about the clinic that she almost didn't realize the boy sitting alone in the room was Tom McKay. Tom had not noticed Elizabeth because he was intently reading a pamphlet.
Elizabeth opened her mouth to say hello, then closed it. What if—
Tom folded the pamphlet and stood up to slip it into the metal rack on the wall. As he stood he saw Elizabeth. Her eyes automatically flicked to the title of the pamphlet Tom held, "Teens and Homosexuality," and then to Tom's face. He was bright scarlet.
"Tom, hi," Elizabeth said quietly.
"Hi," he mumbled. He stared at the carpet for a moment and then returned to his seat.
Elizabeth took a deep breath and sat down on the chair next to Tom's. She felt as if she had to say something to ease his discomfort. "Listen, I didn't mean to barge in on you," she said. "I was here interviewing Kathy Henry." She cleared her throat awkwardly.
"I guess I'm going to have to get used to stuff like this." Tom smiled feebly.
Elizabeth glanced at the pamphlet that was now sitting in the rack. A million thoughts rushed through her mind, but she didn't say a word. She waited to hear what Tom had to say.
"I feel as if I don't know who I am anymore," Tom said sadly. He propped his head on his hands and leaned forward. "If you'd told me a couple of months ago that I'd be in a place like this, thinking . . . thinking the kinds of things I've been thinking . . ."
Elizabeth wondered if Tom had found out about Jake's being gay. Was that what had triggered his own questioning?
"Liz, can I ask you a question?" Tom said suddenly.
"Sure, Tom."
"If you . . . let's say you found out something about yourself that was kind of surprising. The kind of thing you know a lot of people wouldn't like. Would you tell people, or would you keep it a secret?"
Elizabeth thought seriously before answering. She knew Tom was asking a difficult question. She remembered what Enid had said about Jake having to face prejudice in his life. Elizabeth realized that Tom's choice was not an easy one. Some people would just not want to accept the truth. Still, he couldn't pretend to be something he wasn't.
"I can only tell you what I'd do," Elizabeth said slowly. "This might not be right for everyone. But I would need to tell the people closest to me, my best friends, my family. Other people . . ." She shrugged. "I guess I'd try as hard as I could just to be myself. If the other people didn't want to accept the real me, then they wouldn't be worth my time."
Tom nodded. "You're probably right, Liz."
Elizabeth felt a wave of empathy and admiration wash over her. What lay ahead for Tom was not going to be easy. She just hoped his friends would stick by him.
"Tom, thanks for talking to me," she said softly as she put her hand on his arm.
He nodded. "But, Liz, listen. Don't say anything to anyone yet, OK? Please don't tell anyone you saw me here. I need to do this my own way, at my own speed."
"I won't tell a soul," Elizabeth promised.
Kathy Henry s
tepped into the waiting area. "Tom? Come on back," she said cheerfully.
Elizabeth watched Tom leave with Kathy. Kathy would be sure to give Tom sound advice; she would know how best to help him as he tried to sort things out. Kathy wasn't kidding when she said this clinic fills a real need, Elizabeth thought as she left Project Youth.
It was hard to sort out exactly how she felt about her conversation with Tom. She knew she was glad Tom had someone he could turn to. But she could not help but feel a little apprehensive.
If Tom did confide in his friends, would the students at Sweet Valley High come through for Tom? Would they be supportive and understanding, or would they make him regret ever having trusted them?
Tom was surprised by how much better he felt after his conversation with Kathy Henry. He had expected to come away from the session feeling like a "patient," like someone who was sick. Kathy had quickly changed his mind about that.
"Try not to think in terms of labels," she advised him. "You're at an age when labels are too easy to throw around. You're still unformed, still in transition. I'd also like you to try not to think in terms of 'crises' or 'problems.' You're not sick or in trouble, Tom. You've got some big questions and some important exploration before you. Try not to judge yourself. And above all, watch out for labels!"
So the important thing right now isn't to rush to decide whether or not I'm gay, Tom thought. Kathy had signed him up for a support group she thought would benefit him. "And talk to your friends," she advised him. "They'll help, a lot. And the ones who don't help weren't really friends in the first place."
Tom got on his bike and set off in the direction of school. He was supposed to meet Barry in twenty minutes, and he didn't want to be late. "The ones who don't help weren't really friends." Was that what Jake was thinking right now about Tom? That he wasn't much of a friend?
He couldn't blame Jake if he was thinking that. What a selfish jerk I was, Tom thought unhappily. Instead of listening to Jake, instead of trying to put himself in Jake's place and imagine how he felt, he had only thought about himself.
Amy's True Love (Sweet Valley High Book 75) Page 7
