“You will not,” Helen said loudly, then flinched. “That’s the groom’s job. It’s tradition.”
Caroline smiled wanly at her. “Nothing else about this wedding is traditional. Why start now?”
“I can sort the honeymoon,” Josh told them both. How hard could it be? He’d call someone and get them to make arrangements. “Where do you want to go?”
Caroline put one hand on the wall beside her, while the other rubbed her temple. “Surprise me. I’ve never been anywhere.”
“You’ve never been out of the country?” His mum seemed surprised.
“I went to London with Josh last week.”
“I don’t think that counts, baby,” Josh told her softly.
In his head he put Paris and Venice to the top of his list. He couldn’t think of two more romantic locations. Perfect for a honeymoon. He stopped short. Why was he thinking about romance? This wedding wasn’t about romance. It was about commitment. He gave himself a mental kick in the behind. Still. Paris was always nice. He looked at Caroline. She’d like Paris. And he’d like showing it to her.
“I’ll sort out the honeymoon. And the rings.”
Her eyebrows shot up her forehead. “Tell me you already have the rings.”
“Of course I have.” He tried to cover his gaff with a fake laugh.
The two women glared at him, making it clear that no one was fooled by his declaration. “Okay, I forgot. But I’ll get them. There’s plenty of time. The wedding is a week away.”
“Yeah,” his mum said with heavy sarcasm. “Loads of time.”
Josh ignored her. “Do you want coffee, baby?”
“No. I don’t like it. I just came in to tell you that I’m going home.” She looked down at her feet. “As soon as I find my shoes.” She looked back up at him, the effort in making every movement clear on her face. “Do you think they’ll come if I call for them?”
Josh grinned. “I’ll get them. Then I’ll walk you home.”
She shook her head, then her hands flew up to hold it on. “I’ll walk home alone. I need some time by myself. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Josh didn’t like that one bit. “I’m coming with you.”
“Please. I need some time alone. Just tonight. Okay?”
Josh growled before relenting. “I’ll stay here tonight, but I’m coming back to your place tomorrow.”
“Okay.” She was clearly relieved.
“But I’ll get your new bodyguard to drive you home.”
“New bodyguard? What happened to Gary?”
“Turns out he was an idiot.”
As Caroline swayed in place, he went to find her shoes.
When he returned to the kitchen, Caroline was explaining her problem with champagne to his mother. “I thought it was like lemonade. So easy to drink. You forget there’s alcohol in it.”
“Champagne is like that,” his mother commiserated. “Whatever you do, don’t try any of those chocolate liqueurs. It’s like drinking candy. One minute you’re thinking, this is delicious, next minute you’re face down in your own vomit wondering what the heck happened.”
Caroline shuddered. “Thank you. I’ll steer clear of those.”
“Here’s your bag and shoes.” He knelt down before her and helped her step into her shoes.
“Thank you.” Even with a hangover, her manners were impeccable. She patted him on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye, Helen.” She turned to go.
“Oh, hell no.” Josh grabbed her arm and swung her back round towards him. She squealed. “That is not how you say goodbye to your man.”
His lips clamped down on hers as he threaded his fingers into the hair at the back of her head. After a thorough kissing, he released her. She wobbled on her feet.
“Bye, Caroline.” His mum’s tone was heavy with amusement.
Caroline touched her lips, then blinked hard as though to clear her head. Josh smiled knowingly. Maybe now she would regret this desire to be away from him. She mumbled something about needing time alone as she wobbled to the front door.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Caroline had forgotten that Josh’s father was camping out in her living room. Her tiny house was full of brooding, grumpy man. She couldn’t even hide in her bedroom and pretend that her life hadn’t been invaded, because there was still no door to her room. Instead she’d taken a bottle of water, a strip of aspirin and a box of chocolate chip cookies to bed and spent the night listening to Andrew McInnes snore and fart.
It was delightful.
Since the centre had been shut for the rest of the week, Caroline found herself without a purpose. She’d wanted to curl up on her couch and read some trashy romance novels in the hope of forgetting about her life, but Andrew had beaten her to it. The man had been going through her books, sticking notes to the pages and jotting down anything he thought was important in one of her notebooks. Every now and then he’d grunt or bark a laugh. Once he shouted, “You’ve got to be kidding me! These women are sick! Who writes this crap?” Then there was silence again.
By mid-afternoon Caroline had had enough of being overrun by McInnes men, and was on her way into the living room to tell Josh’s father that he’d overstayed his welcome. Instead the back door opened and Josh walked in like he owned the place.
“Go away,” Caroline told him. “But not before you take him with you.” She pointed in the direction of the living room, in case there was any confusion.
Josh walked straight over to her and wrapped her in his arms. Caroline froze for a minute.
“Hey.” He looked down at her. “What did I do to get the freeze-out?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t decided why I’m mad at you yet. I’m pretty sure everything is your fault, but I need to put it together logically.”
She felt him shake as he silently laughed at her. Against her better judgement, she rubbed her cheek on the cotton of his blue T-shirt and gave in to a sigh.
Josh’s dad came rushing out of the living room and ruined the moment. Thankfully, he was fully dressed. The man might be in great shape for his age—heck, for any age—but he was going to be her father-in-law, and watching him trot around half naked was just yuck. She shuddered at the thought.
“Get in here, you two. I’ve figured everything out.”
He disappeared. Josh looked as confused as Caroline felt.
“Do you think this means he’s ready to leave?” Caroline whispered.
“We can only hope,” Josh said.
“Hurry up,” his father yelled.
Josh dragged Caroline into the living room. There were three pieces of paper taped to the wall beside the TV. Andrew stood in front of them as though ready to give a presentation. There was a pile of romance novels on the table beside him.
“Sit on the couch.” They did as they were told. “Right. I’ve been reading through all this crap that Caroline has been stockpiling.”
“Hey!” Caroline said.
“Sorry.” It looked like he was struggling not to roll his eyes. “What do you want me to call it?”
“Romantic literature.”
“Yeah, right, whatever.” Andrew turned to the wall with a board marker in his hand. He wrote the words “What women want” on the paper behind him.
Josh pointed at the paper. “Wasn’t that a movie? Didn’t Mel Gibson already figure this out?”
Caroline elbowed him to shut him up. The sooner his father got this over with, the closer they were to him leaving.
Andrew tapped the paper. “After doing some research, I’ve got the answer to this. The real answer. Not some Hollywood version of it.” He looked at them as though he was waiting for something. Caroline wondered if it was applause.
“Okay,” Josh said. “I’ll bite. What do women want?”
“According to all of these books—” Andrew swept his hand towards the piles he’d been skim-reading—“women want three things from their men.” He turned to the first piece of paper. “They want big romantic
gestures.” He wrote the words down. “The kind of thing that makes most men gag—writing in the sky, stadiums full of flowers, that sort of rubbish. The bigger, and more public, the better. And if that isn’t enough, they need the man to explain why he’s doing it. In detail. He has to tell her why he loves her and why she’s special at the same time.” He pointed his pen at them. “We’re talking all the things men would rather vomit than say—you know, things like ‘you’re so pretty, you have dainty feet, you make great apple cake.’ Whatever gets them to tear up and go all mushy is perfect. Apparently women can’t figure out for themselves why a man wants to be with them, so they need to hear it from the horse’s mouth.”
Caroline gaped at the man. Josh seemed highly entertained. Caroline wondered if he was going to put his father on pause and fetch some popcorn.
“Second.” Andrew turned back to the wall and started to write again. “They want a man who’s forceful and in charge—like a caveman, but wearing a suit. The suit is important. It needs to be tailored to fit, and it helps if there’s a six-pack under it.” He lifted his T-shirt to show off his stomach. For a guy of his age, he was definitely toned. It gave Caroline high hopes for Josh in the future. “What do you think? Do I need to do some sit-ups?”
They looked at him blankly.
“Never mind.” Andrew dropped his shirt. “Anyway, the books call this caveman stuff being ‘alpha.’” He made air quotes. “Basically, he’s a bastard who does what he wants but is sexy while he’s doing it, so he gets away with it.”
Caroline closed her eyes briefly as Josh’s shoulders began to shake beside her. At least he kept his hysterics quiet.
“I wish I was filming this,” Josh whispered. “We should get him to run seminars.”
“Lastly”—Andrew frowned as his mouth pursed—“women want kinky sex.”
Caroline almost choked. Josh reached behind her and thumped her back.
“Sorry,” Andrew said. “This isn’t really a discussion for mixed company, but I figured you’d be fine with it seeing as you read this crap. Sorry. Romantic literature.”
There were tears trailing down Josh’s face from his silent laughter. She narrowed her eyes at him. He shrugged helplessly. “Don’t let this worry you. I take after my mom.”
Andrew wrote “kinky sex” on the last piece of paper pinned to the wall.
“Women want to be tied up and tortured. But not in a malicious way. It’s supposed to be sexy torture. I can’t go into detail”—he nodded in Caroline’s direction, implying he was being circumspect for her benefit—“but let’s just say that there are things in those books that made me blush—and I used to work in the shipyards.”
Josh shot Caroline a heated look. “I think I need to read these books.”
Her cheeks burned.
“Anyway,” Josh’s father continued. “Apparently spanking is the in thing.” He consulted his notes, making Josh laugh again. “Sensual spanking,” he corrected. “And blindfolds are popular too. And you’re supposed to make the woman call you ‘sir.’” He blinked hard. “I don’t see that one flying with your mother, but what the hell, I’ll give it a try.” He studied the pieces of paper on the wall. “So there you have it. Women want romantic gestures, arrogant cavemen and kinky sex.”
He folded his arms, incredibly pleased with himself. “What do you think?” Andrew gestured to his list. “Caroline. You’re a woman. I’m right about this, aren’t I?”
Josh turned towards her with mischief in his eyes. “Yes, Caroline, tell us. Is he right? Is this what women want?”
Caroline blustered. “Um, well, you’ve definitely done a lot of work.”
Andrew stood there proudly. Caroline almost didn’t want to burst his bubble.
“But these books are fiction.” She glanced at Josh, hoping for help. She didn’t get any. “If you railroaded a woman in real life, the same way some of the heroes do in the books, you’d get smacked on the head, or shown the door.”
Andrew frowned, clearly unconvinced.
“And, um, not every woman wants to be tied up, or um, spanked.”
Andrew started to say something, but Caroline beat him to it.
“Romantic gestures are always welcome, though, especially if they’re genuine.”
Andrew pointed at her with the pen. “You’re being politically correct, aren’t you? Modern women can’t admit that they want a caveman, in and out of the bedroom.”
“No. I’m trying to remind you that these books are fiction.” She walked to the shelf behind her. “This one is all about a hero who turns into a werewolf. Does that mean all women want a werewolf for a husband?”
“Is he alpha? Into kinky sex? Does he tell her how much he loves her to the point where you want to vomit?”
Caroline couldn’t argue with that. The hero in the book did do those things.
“See?” Andrew fist-pumped the air. “I’m right. I know exactly what to do to win Helen back. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to Glasgow and buy a new suit. And some kinky gear.” He stopped in front of Caroline. “Do you know where to buy that stuff? It’s been a while since I’ve been to Glasgow.”
“No! I don’t know where the sex shops are.” She gave Josh a “please help me” look. He held up his hands. “Listen, Andrew, you don’t need to dress in a suit, or t-t-tie Helen up”—she flushed as she stuttered over the words—“to win her back. You only need to spend time with her, enjoy doing stuff together, talk to her, have fun. It’s that simple. That’s what women want. They want attention. They want to feel important to their husbands. They want to feel attractive and sexy. They want to feel loved. You don’t need the other stuff.”
Andrew snorted. “No offence, pet, but I’d rather take the advice of a bunch of freaky books than listen to a woman who had to make a deal with a stranger to get married.”
Josh shot to his feet. “Apologise now. We talked about how you treat my fiancée. This isn’t it.”
Caroline found it hard to look anywhere but the carpet. He was right. She didn’t know anything about men, romance or relationships. She’d had to bargain to get a chance at marriage. She was the last person he should listen to. She was pathetic.
A hand rested on her shoulder. She expected Josh, but looked up to find his father staring at her. It took a minute to realise there was compassion in his eyes.
“I am sorry, that came out wrong. I might not agree with this arranged wedding, but I’ve learned some things these past few weeks. You’re a good woman, Caroline. I’ll admit that I wish my son was marrying the love of his life, but I don’t think for a minute that you won’t do your best by him.” Caroline felt tears prick her eyes. Andrew cleared his throat, obviously embarrassed. “Okay, enough of this mushy stuff. I’m going to Glasgow. See you in a couple of days. Try to stop your mother from running off with another man while I’m gone.”
With that, he picked up his bag and strode out of the room.
They listened to the door bang shut.
“That little presentation of his was more than I’ve heard the man say in years. Pity most of it was complete and utter garbage.” Josh grinned down at her. “Think we should warn my mom?”
“What would you say? ‘Your husband is coming for you, he’s armed with fluffy handcuffs and he won’t take no for an answer’?”
Josh chuckled. “Yeah, let them sort it out themselves.” He turned her towards him. His eyes glinted with delight. “In the meantime, we have other things to deal with. My father is gone and we have the whole house to ourselves. Now”—he waggled his eyebrows at her—“what do you think we should do with our time?”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Whatever Josh’s plans, they went up in smoke about two seconds after the words were out of his mouth. Caroline’s front door swung open and a voice shouted, “Josh, get out here.”
Josh hung his head. “It’s Mitch. What does a guy have to do in this town to get a little privacy?”
He squeezed Caroline, kissed h
er hair and lumbered off at his usual laid-back pace to see what his best friend wanted. Caroline sighed and followed. The men were in her garden, staring at her house. They had identical poses—legs apart, arms folded. And identical looks on their faces—angry.
“What is it?” Caroline stepped out to join them.
“Have you called the cops?” Mitch said.
“I came in the back door. This is the first I’ve seen it.”
“I’ll call.” Mitch pulled out his phone. “With everything that’s happening, I’ve got the guy on speed dial.”
Caroline turned to see what the men were staring at, and sucked in a breath. Paint-splattered words decorated the wall of her house. The words were a stark reminder of a truth Caroline already knew. You’re not good enough for Josh.
“At least they can spell.” Her hand fluttered to her throat. “Lots of people miss the apostrophe in you’re.”
Josh raised an eyebrow at her, but it disappeared as soon as he spotted the quivering lips she was trying to hide. “Don’t let it get to you. We’ll sort it.”
He hugged her to him, and for a moment Caroline let herself absorb his heat and strength. Somehow she felt as though the words were written on her skin, rather than her home.
“Oh crap,” Mitch muttered from behind them.
Caroline and Josh spun towards him. She couldn’t miss the pointed look the two men shared. Josh placed his hands on Caroline’s shoulders. “You know, I could really use a cup of coffee.” He smiled. “Any chance you could make us one?”
Caroline straightened her back. Whatever Mitch had found, it wasn’t good.
“Of course I will. As soon as you show me whatever it is you don’t want me to see.”
Mitch sighed and nodded at the gate. Josh took her hand and led her to it. Caroline felt the blood drain from her cheeks as she spotted the little cloth doll. It was dressed in a grey suit and had a noose around its neck. Josh snarled beside her as Caroline’s stomach twisted violently.
“Well, I think it’s safe to say someone doesn’t like me.”
Goody Two Shoes (Invertary Book 2) Page 23
