by Jessie G
“Where the hell have I been?” The way things were going, he might as well have been living in a bubble that was buried in the sand.
“What’s the saying? Love is blind?” Esme shrugged and walked over to the fridge like she hadn’t just smashed him over the head with her rolling pin. Stunned, Julian watched her putter about as she kept talking. It was probably something important that he should be listening to, but his ears shut down after the L-word and he was pretty sure the rest of his bodily functions were preparing to follow.
Normally unafraid to toss the word around at will, Julian knew that particular feeling had levels. There was the kind of love that should be between a parent and child, which he had long since given up hope for. Then there was the affection you felt for friends, the fondness you felt for an ex that parted on good terms, and even the angst you felt for the one you hoped to never see again. Julian had experienced most of those with his arms wide open, but never achieved the most important level.
Had he really gone and done something as crazy as fall in love with Shane Parker? Reserved, semi-closeted, could-still-be-shipped-out-any-time Shane Parker? Needy and oh-so-smoking-hot Shane Parker? Smart, strong, quietly passionate Shane Parker who expressed his gratitude for the slightest show of affection? God help him, but he was a fool in love with someone who might not allow himself to love back.
That wasn’t awkward at all.
“Mr. Julian, are you all right?” Esme was back, her face a perfect mask of concern. The witch. She knew exactly what she was doing with her unsolicited advice and innocent bombshells.
“You think I’m in love with Shane?” He spoke slowly, listening to his own words as he watched her expression.
“Yes, of course. What else can it be? You text each other all day long, are constantly touching when you are together, and the smiles…Mr. Julian, I have never seen two people smile at each other the way you guys do. Like you haven’t seen each other in years. And then you touch some more like you just have to connect.” Her expression took on a dreamy quality as she spoke, but Julian was focused on the context. She was speaking as if she believed the feelings were mutual and he was latching onto it with both hands. “Even when you disagree, you’re never mean to one another. Do you know how rare and special that is?”
Yes, he most definitely did.
“Thank you, Esme.” Julian grabbed her hand for a lip-smacking kiss and bowed at her genius. Feeling like he needed Shane more than he needed to cry, Julian made his way to the back door as he pulled out his cell phone to send a text. Direct, demanding, and dirty—just the way Shane liked him.
“It’s nice to see you smiling again, Mr. Julian. I know if you talk to Shane, you’ll see that I’m right. The man adores you.” It would have sounded smug if they weren’t the exact words he needed to hear. “And I really hope it works out the way you want.”
That made two of them and because he was feeling better than he had in days, he stopped at the door and met her deceivingly innocent smile with one of his own. “You know you should take your own advice.”
Oh, and look at the walls come up. “What do you mean?”
“Sean needs someone who truly sees him. Who better than the woman who just put me in place for missing all his warning signs?” Taking that shot gave him a little vindication, but he knew how much he was asking. “We almost lost him and he’ll never be a hundred percent again, but he’ll always be Sean. If you continue to protect yourself, you’ll miss out on all that crazy bastard has to offer.”
Arms crossed, eyes rolling, Esme snorted out a disbelieving laugh. “You say that like it’s a good thing?”
Julian could have pointed out that it was the very best thing, but he’d made his point and more importantly, Shane replied to his text. If she was still talking as the door closed, he wasn’t listening. How could he now that he had an official date with the hottest Petty Officer First Class ever to wear the insignia?
Dating. What a novel idea.
Chapter 16
Shane
Dating. Somehow, he’d managed to go thirty-six years without doing something so harebrained and yet, that seemed to be the plan. They weren’t grabbing a bite between doctor’s appointments, there was no Sean to act as a buffer, or his issues to provide the conversation. Instead they purposely made plans for no other reason than to spend time together—just the two of them—and, for the first time in what felt like forever, Shane was back at the barracks in search of something appropriate to wear.
On his date.
With Julian.
As a trained sailor, Shane prided himself on his ability to handle any situation. For sure, he shouldn’t have been on the verge of a freak out —another experience he’d managed to avoid until now—but walking into his room shook him to the core. Not Julian’s text, though that had certainly been surprising. Or the content, which had been both shocking and arousing. No, it was his barren, cramped, shared living space that now felt uncomfortably foreign and not at all like home.
It made him itchy in a way he couldn’t readily define and that feeling grew as he went through the motions of washing away his day and picking out something other than jeans, shorts, or service khakis. The underwhelming selection wasn’t as much of a surprise as the amount of stress it caused in the moment. Julian had once called him his fantasy, and they had regular sex—it was obvious the man liked what he saw. Dressing to impress seemed pointless, but add that to his list of new experiences for the day.
All those strange feelings wreaked havoc in the short time he was there and coalesced just before he walked out the door. He was going down his mental checklist—keys, wallet, cell phone—when it hit him that he never, ever wanted to be there again. The notion that followed was as ridiculous as everything else, but before Shane knew it, he was packing up all his worldly possessions. Everything fit into a couple of duffels and anything that was missing was already at Julian’s.
That was some crazy shit, right? Considering that he was now standing outside Seven Fish waiting for his date to arrive, it was probably the most impulsive act of crazy he’d ever willfully engaged in. It was one thing to have Julian offer an empty drawer or make room in his closet, and quite another to take on all of him—the bags waiting in the truck and the ones he carried in his heart. Shane knew he’d be lucky if Julian didn’t laugh or run screaming in the opposite direction.
The second freak out of his life was gearing up to be a doozy when the beep of a horn pulled him out of his reverie. Julian breezed past him in his little coupe, gracing him with a smile that always made him feel warm inside. While not something he planned to admit aloud—torture by soulful brown eyes not withstanding—Shane had long since accepted that no matter how many times he saw it, he was never fully prepared for its impact.
He followed the brake lights and was just rounding the trunk of the car when Julian jumped out and right into arms. On the scorecard of firsts, Shane didn’t shy away and instead completed the embrace before Julian could put an appropriate amount of space between them. Surprised pleasure was the last thing he saw before he took the kiss he didn’t know he needed until that moment. Julian melted against him and, just like that, all those rioting emotions made perfect sense.
When he reluctantly eased back, Julian touched his lips and sighed. Another truth for his private confessional: he totally got off on that reaction. “Well, that was the best thing that happened to me today.”
Smooth talker that he was, Shane mumbled something incoherent like me too or got milk? Julian should be having a great laugh as his expense, but his smile only became more adoring and when he lifted his chin in silent invitation, Shane couldn’t resist. By the time they came up for air a second time, Julian was rumpled, kiss swollen, and stunning.
“That is an excellent look for you, but I’m not sure I want anyone else to see it.” The possessive words were out of character, but he didn’t regret saying them. There was a better than average chance that he would snarl at anyone wh
o looked at Julian for more than half a second, so now they both knew to be prepared.
“First you kiss me off my feet, then you get all territorial on me? Maybe we could replace the appetizer with mutual blow jobs.” Julian waggled his brows suggestively and looked around the lot. “Your truck has tinted windows, right?”
“As tempting as that sounds—” Shane hastily grabbed Julian’s arm and directed him toward the restaurant. What kind of fool gives up a blow job? The kind hiding his entire life in the front seat of his truck. “This is technically our first date. I think we should stick to procedure.”
Eyes twinkling, Julian asked, “And what procedure is that? Is there a handbook? Hopefully, there are Cliffs Notes because I seem to have misplaced mine.”
“Smart ass.” Shane tried to sound annoyed, but his smile got in the way and they were both laughing as they made their way across the lot. Another couple was coming out as they neared the door and he hurried forward to stop it from closing. When he ushered Julian inside, the blatant troublemaker batted his eyelashes and made kissing noises. “Here I am trying to be a gentleman and you’re mocking me? Keep that up and I’ll have to spank you.”
“Oh!” Of course, Julian sounded more excited than worried. “We haven’t tried that yet. Can we do it tonight? Can we, huh?”
“What am I going to do with you?” He never considered spanking another person for any reason, pleasure or otherwise, and he wasn’t sure if Julian was serious or not. His lover may sound like he was teasing, but Shane knew that was Julian’s way of protecting himself in case he didn’t get what he wanted.
“Well, you turned down my blow job offer, so we’ll just have to see what you come up with when we get home.” Seemingly satisfied with his parting shot, Julian walked up to the hostess stand while he stood there staring like a fool.
When we get home? Did that mean Julian considered his cottage their home? That would certainly make things easier, but it was more likely a byproduct of their recent routine. With no choice but to share the only vacant hotel room on that first night, they easily settled in together. What should have been a temporary arrangement continued because they had more important things to worry about than getting a second room. Under those circumstances, that all made sense.
Still, he believed that once they got to the island, things would change. They were too new to be this attached. He should be itching for some breathing room and Julian should be sick of him hanging around. Only, he kept showing up every night and Julian kept welcoming him like he was expected and wanted. Instead of clamoring for space, he longed to get closer and the security he once felt from the military was now overshadowed by a sense of dread.
“Shane?” The question made him blink, bringing Julian’s concerned smile into focus. “They have a table for us. Are you okay?”
“Yes, sure, fine.” Despite his racing thoughts, that wasn’t a lie. Weirdly enough, he wasn’t upset that Julian changed his life. “Just hungry.”
Julian peered up at him for a long moment before turning to follow the hostess. “We came to the right place then. The food here never disappoints.”
He wasn’t picky, so he just nodded and followed, grateful for the corner table that would give them a modicum of privacy. The hostess lingered, pointing out the specials, and Shane watched Julian interact with her. As a rule, Julian was always engaging and friendly, but owning a service-oriented business made him more respectful of others working in the same. In the grand scheme of things, it was a miniscule facet of his lover’s personality, but noticing the little things had never been Shane’s forte before Julian.
Before Julian. Somehow, that had become his mark to delineate the half-life he once lived from the future he now desperately wanted. Shane couldn’t pinpoint exactly when that happened or how, and he really had no clue how to achieve it. Thus far, their relationship had progressed with alarming ease, but they never talked about that progression. He wasn’t an expert on the subject, but he thought maybe that might be important.
“You’re looking a little queasy again. Are you sure you’re okay?” Julian was watching him curiously.
“I was thinking about you,” Shane blurted out, which only turned that curiosity into caution. “That came out wrong. I mean, yes, I was thinking about you, about us, but in a good way.”
Julian’s amused smile didn’t quite dispel the caution. “Could you explain in slow and graphic detail what you were thinking about?”
“Uh, well.” Shane cleared his throat and looked around the restaurant. Was he really going to do this in a crowded restaurant? Yes, apparently, he was. “I was thinking that we never talk about us or much of anything beyond Sean. We’re coasting along and it all feels great. Wonderful. Honestly, I’m not complaining. I’m just wondering if we need to, uh, you know, talk about us.”
“Funny, I was thinking the same thing earlier. The problem is, I’m not sure how to do that.” Julian’s uncomfortable admission loosened something in him. Their relationship experience may seem vastly different, but having no relationships and having bad ones produced nearly identical results. With the potential for a great one in their grasp, they were both uncertain how to make it work. “You’ve met my parents. They’re not exactly winning any couple of the year awards. Dad makes the rules and Mom follows.”
“That would never be us,” Shane promised. Being a leader may be his natural inclination, but he didn’t want a follower, he wanted the type of partnership his own parents had. Thinking about his parents was dangerous, but Shane let the memories come. By protecting himself from the bad ones, he almost forgot the great years and they were as much a part of him as the tragedy itself. Every decision may have been shaped by that loss, but that was only because he never met anyone who made him want to take the chance. Could he really tell this story? Julian never asked and Shane knew that was part of his zero-pressure approach to their relationship. It might seem like a good thing, but it wasn’t helping them move forward. “My parents weren’t like that.”
If Julian was surprised, he hid it well, and when Shane didn’t elaborate, he asked gently, “Would you tell me about them?”
Shane shifted in the suddenly uncomfortable chair and reached to tug on his collar. “Not a lot to tell, actually. Dad was an accountant for some big corporate firm and Mom was a hairdresser. She was more hands-on, while he worked longer hours. But he never missed dinner or a game, even if it meant going back to work after. I never heard them fight and they always looked happy together.”
“They sound like lovely people.” Julian’s wistful tone made his stomach tighten. Even though it was only for a short time, he hadn’t appreciated something that Julian probably prayed for his whole life.
“Yeah, I had it good, but I didn’t know it wasn’t like that for everyone or that it could be taken away. Then Mom collapsed at work and they realized she’d been sick for a long time. She wasn’t the type to complain and sometimes I think, if she wasn’t so busy with me—” Shane couldn’t finish that thought.
Most of his early memories were of her carting him from one activity to another, cheering him on, supporting him, and he’d taken it all for granted. If he had been more grateful for what he had, for her, would she have stayed? With all the logic of a ten-year-old searching for answers, Shane never shook that guilt even though he now knew nothing could have saved her. “Dad took me to visit her once, but she was out of it. She died a few days later.”
Julian reached across the table, but came up just shy of taking his hand and Shane could only stare at the inch of space between their fingertips. That gap was his fault because once again he wasn’t grateful for what he had. Worse than that, the restrictions made him no better than Julian’s father. Defiantly, he pushed his hand forward until they were touching and felt instantly better when Julian took his offering. With those soft fingers stroking over his own, Julian offered, “I’m very sorry about your mother.”
So was he. Mostly for starting the conversation in the fi
rst place, because now he had to finish it. “Dad was different after that. Home more, but just going through the motions, and when I learned to make do on my own, he retreated even more. I enlisted in my last year of high school, was set to go to boot camp in mid-July, and that was his cue to leave. Ate a bullet while I was camping with my buddies and was gone by the time I got home.”
“Shane.” The empathy in that word matched the devastation he felt every time he thought about his parents and exactly why he never told anyone. Sharing the pain wouldn’t make it go away, so why make someone else suffer for something that couldn’t be changed?
“Sean said it was important for you to know.” Having picked at this wound, he needed to know it meant something. “Was it? You never asked.” And even though he knew that was more of Julian respecting his stupid boundaries, he still asked, “Why don’t you ever ask me for things?”
“Your story is very important to me, Shane. I want to know everything that’s gone into making you the wonderful man sitting before me today. But asking? You would have shut me down or felt pressured, or both, and I didn’t want to do that to us.” Julian didn’t look upset, just certain and with good reason. He was right. “As for asking for things, I don’t need anything but you.”
Why did that sound daunting? “It’s not as simple as it sounds, is it?”
“Probably not for either of us,” Julian agreed.
Before he could say more, the waiter sidled up to the table, and for a moment, Shane was disoriented to realize they were still in the restaurant. While Julian discussed appetizers, he quickly looked over the menu. As uncomfortable as the topic had been, he was glad to have gotten through it and wanted to continue the conversation. It didn’t take but a couple of minutes to order, but he was ready to push the guy away if he asked one more question.
