by M. K. Gibson
Besides an incredible release of tension, the sex distracted my mind and let my hindbrain work on a few issues. I was already seeing a few things in motion, but I needed to see them through. If I was correct, then this would prove to be a difficult challenge. I could see the stage; I could see the actors; but I had to admit to myself at least, I could not see the outcome.
“What kind of challenges?” Myst asked. “What stage and what actors?”
“Hmm?”
“I guess you were doing that internal monologue thing I learned about as part of your information upload. You know, where you go on a self-serving internal rant, but due to being a god, your thoughts sometimes manifest audibly.”
I really needed to get that under control.
“Thanks to the mental distraction, I’ve had time to think.”
“As opposed to the month or so you were here before the reboot gave you no time to think?”
I glared at Myst. “Step carefully. I appreciate your candor, but you are walking very close to a familiarity I do not tolerate. I do not allow Wraith Knight to speak to me like that, nor shall you.”
“I also doubt you do things to Wraith Knight like you did to me. Or even what I did to you?”
My ass puckered at the thought. “Fair enough,” I said with an involuntary smile. I lit us each another cigarette, then considered my words, using Myst as a sounding board.
“I was manipulated into coming here. That was clear from the moment Khasil planted the seed of doubt in my head. I still don’t know if Lydia is, or was, an agent of hers. But I know Khasil is not bright enough to think along those terms. An embodiment of chaos is not so forward-thinking. And with King Stanley opening his realm to me, moments after The One’s decree kicking in, any fool could see the contrived timing. So while grateful to my host for giving me a place here, it’s clear he’s involved. I took his wager, confident that I could do something that had never been done in his realms. And try as I might, I may have to come to the fact that there is nothing I can do that would be considered original in such a dimension. My villain’s pride is deeply wounded.”
“So, you see the powers moving against you?”
“For the most part,” I nodded. “There are one or two which I cannot be sure of. It is the end game I am unclear of. Even if Lydia forbids me from ever returning, once The One’s inquiry is done, my actions in Caledon will be exonerated, the decree lifted, and I can return to my regular business and dimension.”
“Which means whoever is moving against you is on a timetable.”
“Exactly,” I said.
“Then why reboot the universe?” Myst asked.
“My only working theory is when I get close to something, the reboot is meant to set me back. I’ve known enough gods in my time to learn that a reboot, or cataclysm, or apocalypse, or whatever they call it in their respective universe, is incredibly taxing on the gods. If Stanley is in league with those conspiring against me, then it would be in my best interest to weaken his power base.”
“And if it wipes me out of existence?”
“Again, I don’t think it will. Aside from mental acuity, there was a key difference that separated Wraith Knight and The Night Watchman.”
“Penis size?”
“I wouldn’t know,” I said with a roll of my eyes. “But the difference I was referring to was that Wraith Knight carries a piece of me inside him. As do you.”
“More than a piece. Am I going to need a morning-after pill? Or a bottle of them? We did some pretty messed-up stuff.”
“Not a bad idea. But in my realm, you won’t have to worry about that,” I told her. “When the reboot happened, I think it was my power that kept Wraith Knight in place. Since I’m invited here, those who carry my power should survive any reboot. So all I have to do is maintain the course, create as much mayhem as possible, drain Stanley, and bring my enemies to me.”
“That sounds like a great plan,” a voice boomed throughout my bedroom.
The wall before me flickered and an image of Lydia appeared as if I were watching her on a 120-inch monitor. And boy, did she look pissed.
“Good morning, Lydia. How are you?”
“Sophia told me you had company. I was not expecting this, though. I knew your appetites were wide and diverse. Just not that diverse.”
I quirked an eyebrow, then looked at Myst. Instead of the voluptuous redhead I’d drained two-thirds of my bodily fluids with, there sat a large, bald, muscular black man. I looked at his eyes for a moment and he shrugged slightly.
Sigh.
“Well Lydia, you know me. Why limit myself? I take it you’re still mad at me?”
Lydia held up the drawing I sent her. She looked at it, smiled, looked at me, and ripped it in half.
“I take that as a yes.”
“Sophia told me you were enjoying yourself.”
“Jealous?”
“Neither of us has ever been upset over a lover on the side. But we were always up front about it.”
“I heard you’ve been off having you own fun. And yet I don’t recall anyone telling me or being ‘up front’ about it.”
Lydia crossed her arms. “Instead of taking this as the punishment I wanted for you, you’re treating it like a vacation.”
“What would you have me do? Hmm? Pine for you while I eat ice cream on a couch? That’s not me and you know that. I have thought about it. A lot. I miss you. And I want to be there when our child is born.”
“Well, you and your new toy get comfortable,” Lydia said as her eyes narrowed. “You’re going to be there a long time.”
“Enjoy your dimension-hopping fun,” I said back. “Going back to Caledon a bunch, huh? Tell Khasil I said hi. Once the inquiry is over, I will be exonerated and I will return. And there is fuck-all you, or Khasil, can do about it.”
I swiped my hand, expending a sliver of power and canceling the transmission. I let out a deep breath, then lit another cigarette. Gods above and below, that woman knew how to push my buttons.
“Myst.”
“Yes?”
“Get your dick off my leg.”
“Oh. Sorry, Master,” Myst said, reverting back to her female form. “Sorry about that. I panicked. With how you described her, I didn’t want Lydia seeing my true form.”
“Probably for the best,” I agreed. “She would cut your throat while you slept. She’s quirky that way.”
I picked up my tablet and began tapping out some more commands. “Well, I don’t know about you. But I’m up for a quick morning shag.”
“Master?”
Tossing the tablet to the floor, I took a final puff from my smoke and put it out in the ashtray. I lifted the sheet and pulled her in close. “I just activated a sequence that will destroy the planet.”
“What?!”
“I just enacted a simple doomsday weapon. During the last universe, I liberated a lot of weapons from the villains I conquered. The Morlock King was a bit of an extremist, but his tech was very good. I just opened a portal into the Marianas Trench, where his extermination drill will burrow into the Earth’s core and release a quantum charge, rupturing all the tectonic plates simultaneously. So, we’ve got about an hour or so until the planet shakes itself apart. I figure that should kick off a reboot.”
“And if it doesn’t?!”
“We’ll still be safe. Trust me. Besides, haven’t you always wanted to go out with a bang?”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Where I Snub Sophia, Interrupt Origins, and Scare an Elderly Couple
“Sir, sir?” Sophia said in my ear.
“Not now, Sophia,” I said as I sprinted across the college campus. I saw a tree and dove into the shadow at its base, popping up on the other side of the quad. Looking at my watch, I cursed myself.
“Sir, I haven’t been able to reach you for quite a while. You’ve been extremely difficult to locate.”
“I know,” I said back. I leaped over a freshman tying her shoes, and spun around some jo
cular moose of a young man. I dashed into the science building, no doubt named for some idiot with too much money and a vast amount of hubris. “I’ve been ignoring you.”
Sophia sounded hurt. “Why, sir?”
“Not a good time, Sophia,” I huffed, running like a commoner.
Me. Running.
The gods above and below must be enjoying this. Anyone who wishes to know my opinion on running need only look back on Chapter 4. Go ahead and re-read it. I need the break to catch my breath.
“Sir, are you running?”
“Obviously.”
“Why are you running?”
“Because while the comic universe has few rules, one I discovered is that you can’t teleport, or shadow walk, to certain areas when a Great Occurrence is about to happen. Unless, of course, you’re meant to be there.”
I turned a corner and saw one of the greatest sins mankind ever produced. A living, breathing example of contempt and entitlement.
Three people walking abreast down a hallway.
Three people walking, you say? What’s the big deal? Ugh, you people.
Instances like this always made me feel righteous for my actions. Lowering my head, I summoned my power. Shadows leaped from the corners of the hallway, layering upon me until I resembled a demonic bull with smoke billowing from my nostrils and flaring red eyes. I barreled through all three of the goddamn hallway Nazis, sending the offenders flying.
“YOU WALK TWO ASIDE AND ONE BEHIND!” I bellowed. “HALLWAYS ARE FOR ALL, NOT JUST YOUR GODDAMN GROUP, YOU SELF-ABSORBED TWATS! NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU IGNORE THE PRESENCE OF OTHERS! THUS I SPAKE THIS COMMAND!”
It’s about manners, really. Taking up the whole hallway, or grocery aisle, is just plain rude.
Dropping the shadows, I continued sprinting down the hallway until I reached my destination. I summoned my godly strength, kicking in the double doors.
A spindly, bespectacled young man in a sweater vest and SuperCuts hairstyle number one jumped back, grasping his chest. I ran in like a madman and dove at the young man. He brought his hands up, closing his eyes.
Just before I slammed into him, I swiped a backhand at the nuclear-infused cricket before it bit the nerd. The bug flew across the lab, splattering against the yellow-tiled wall into a mess of green goo.
Of course that didn’t stop my momentum. Physics was the cruel mistress of gods and men alike. The nerd and I collapsed in a heap, knocking over a lab table. Shattered test tubes went everywhere as we hit the ground.
“What the hell, man?!”
I stood up, dusting my suit off. “How about some appreciation, you little turd? I just saved you from a lifetime of quips and bad movies. Trust me, your emo phase was hated by all, and your gritty reboot was worse. Although that new British kid was cool,” I said absently.
“What?”
“Never mind, Patrick.”
“How do you know my name?”
“I know a lot of things, Patrick Peterson. I know about your missing parents, your aunt and uncle. But I also know about what will happen. Do yourself a favor; keep an eye on your uncle. Oh, and that hot girl you like?”
“Cary-June? What about her?”
“Herpes,” I said with a slash of my hand. “A full-blown, raging case of herpes. I mean, the really gross kind. Not the kind in the medicine commercials, where happy, outdoorsy people go hiking, mountain biking, and kayaking. No, this is the pus-dipping, oozy kind. So if I were you, I’d focus on something else. You’d do well by joining up with your best friend’s dad. His company is really going to go places!”
“Oh, oh damn. Thanks, Mr. . .?”
“Blackwell. Jackson Blackwell. And you’re welcome. Go on, you little scamp, get out of here.”
I watched Patrick leave the lab and immediately made a call. “Myst?”
“Here, sir.”
“Operation Herpes is a go.”
“Do you think he’ll listen to you?”
“Do you know a horny nerd to listen to anyone? Just assume the form of the girl and scare the shit out of him.”
“You got it, sir,” Myst said, and the call ended.
“What are you doing?” Sophia asked.
“Oh, you’re still there? I assumed you were off telling Lydia all my comings and goings.”
“Sir, that’s not fair. You know if she asks me a direct question I have to answer it honestly.”
I looked at my watch. “Shit. Hold that thought. Contact me in a moment.”
“What?”
I ignored Sophia and dove into the nearest pool of shadows, disappearing into the darkness as the Great Occurrence ended.
********
I stood beside a tree in some backwater Midwestern state along a dirt road. I looked at my watch and nodded. Whew. I got here just before the next Great Occurrence. I used the shadow cast by the tree to create an illusion of a sports car parked along the side of the road with a spare tire on the grass. I held a jack and tire iron in my hand.
“Sir? How did you get all the way there?”
“Shh. Just wait a moment, Sophia.”
An old pickup truck came down the dirt road, kicking up a cloud of dust. I looked to the sky and saw the clouds turning a reddish orange as the object was breaking into the atmosphere. I had to time this perfectly.
The pickup hit a sharp rock, busting the front left tire. The truck immediately swerved and came to a stop near me. I ran out, putting on my best fake smile and a friendly wave.
“Wow, that’s incredible timing,” I said, affecting a pleasant, warm, vaguely English accent. My time spent in improv classes was really paying off.
“Who are you? You’re not from here,” the older gentleman said.
“No sir, not at all. Ma’am,” I nodded to the older man’s wife sitting next to him. “I’m actually just doing a little sightseeing. I’ve always wanted to see the heartland of the States— excuse me, America. You yanks and your dialect. I have a spare jack in the boot of my auto.”
“Oh, there’s no need,” the gentleman said.
“Pish-posh,” I said with a dismissive wave. “I couldn’t call myself a proper English gentleman if I didn’t take care of one of our colonists. But let me take a look first. I know a thing or two about cars. Hobby of mine, really.”
“It’s just a blown tire.”
I bent down and lifted the car slightly with my enhanced strength, slipping the jack under it. In moments, I had the car up and the tire off. I rounded to the back of their truck, grabbing their spare.
“Really, you don’t have to,” the older woman said.
“Nonsense.” I smiled “English hospitality.”
“But we’re in America.”
“Works both ways, love,” I said, want nothing more than to take the tire iron to the old biddy’s forehead.
I swear, the lack of consideration. Why not trust a stranger on the side of a deserted road with a tire iron? The gall of some people.
Moments later, their truck was fixed and ready to go. I refused payment and waved at them as they drove away, their truck kicking up dirt. Behind me, the interstellar object slammed into the ground with a huge boom.
The object looked like a cross between a comet and a ship. Through the dirty, translucent cockpit, I saw an infant lying inside. The baby was wrapped in fabric with some idiotic symbol that looked vaguely like a letter of the alphabet.
I really didn’t care.
I concentrated hard, pulling every shadow cast by every blade of grass and every stalk of wheat. With a considerable amount of will, I forced the shadows to descend on the small ship. Focusing all my considerable strength and will, I caused the shadows to build with incalculable pressure. When I could no longer hold it, I let the shadows breach, launching the ship back into space.
Dropping to my knees, I caught my breath. “Have a good trip, you little troublemaker.”
“Sir, what are you doing?” said Sophia.
“Latest . . . reboot.” I gasped. “A rebirth unive
rse. Gods above and below, I hate rebirth as an idea. It’s as if certain creators only have one go-to move and do it all the time. So, I’m stopping all the greats from ever happening. Thanks to the app, I know all their origin stories.”
“How can you do it alone, sir?”
“With great effort and forethought on my part.”
“I see. Sir, you have to understand, Lydia asked directly me what you were doing in your isolation. She asked if you were alone, and as a goddess of this realm, I have to be honest with her.”
“When Paige was the acting goddess, you danced around her questions like a professional.”
“Paige was an idiot, sir, and I disliked her greatly. Lydia is different. She’s intelligent, crafty, and to be frank, good for you.”
“So narcing me out was you helping me?”
“Jackson, it isn’t like that and you know it. Stop acting like a child.”
“Sorry, gotta run. I need to stop a home invasion in Far Haven. Gotta prevent a little boy from becoming an orphan and later a sociopath vigilante.”
I walked back to the tree and stepped through the shadows. There was no rest for the weary.
Good thing I had help.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Where I Am Exhausted, Discover a LARPer Among Us, and Plan for a War
After the fall of the Golden Age, my team and I worked through several grueling reboots. We dealt with go-nowhere crossover events, prequels, limited edition covers, covert wars, crisis-like events (several of them), the delusions of a Scottish madman, an overly wordy writer, and some fat movie director’s dick and fart jokes. Oh, and that stupid, stupid zombie reboot.
Zombies . . . the lowest common denominator.
I blew up worlds. I ran for president and won. Twice. Man, both left and right diehards are so easy to manipulate. They parrot anything written on HuffPo or Fox News regardless of logic or validity. I played superhero against superhero. I enticed galactic entities to invade the planet. I used every sad, done-before villainous plot I could think of.
But thanks to our efforts, we were almost there.
