“Everyone,” Adrian said. “I know that we got a little side tracked on the way to Tuesday after class, but can we please all head to the bars! I'll be out right after the last person has left and I feed my cat!”
The crowd hummed and swayed with activity. People grabbed purses and hustled toward the door in an urgency that seemed nearly comical. There was no way for things to be as important as Adrian had just made them sound, but she seemed to be a little tipsy herself. Not that she was drunk, though. Jamie knew that Adrian had a personal rule when it came to drinking, and she never really allowed herself to let loose and get drunk. There was something about the loss of control that Adrian didn't like. The way that the drunk could be good or bad, and was mostly different every time. That was something that she wasn't into at all.
Adrian was the kind of person that would smoke a little herb and have a few cocktails, but always using a few drinks to enhance her high, never to outweigh it. Pot smoking was legal in the small college town they were in. Just recently activists had found a way around state law. They'd went back through the records and found that Ames was actually a small municipality that had, long ago, agreed to join the union only if home rule was left intact—meaning that Ames could, in some cases, pass its own laws. Marijuana had been legalized nearly instantly, as students voted in droves.
“Hey, darling,” Adrian said. “What have you been up to? Do you want to come out with this crazy crowd and watch them drink their faces off?”
“Not my thing,” Jamie said. “You know that I don't like to go out with people who are well on their way to being shitfaced. But I would like to hang out with you, so I guess I'm fairly conflicted.”
“I knew you would be,” Adrian said. “Look at it this way, we can go out and maybe have some fun together after we get lost in the crowd. Isn't that better than sitting at home and doing nothing. I know I keep inviting you out to party at the oddest times, but I really do intend to spend time with you.”
“I know you do,” Jamie said. “And I'm not upset or anything. I'd rather just sit this one out if it's going to head in the direction I think it is.”
Without giving any kind of warning, Adrian leaned in and kissed Jamie full on the lips. Jamie didn't know what to do for a second, but then she started probing Adrian's mouth with her tongue, trying to find a spot where there was some kind of give and take that made her mouth feel like it never wanted to stop. When they were both so lost in their kiss there was no coming back, one of the people that had been drinking at their place stumbled back through the door and fell face first on the hardwood floor.
“Oh my God,” Adrian said. “He's bleeding! I think he cut himself either outside or just cracked his head open. Jesus Christ, maybe you had the right idea about not coming out with us. Could you help me for a second?”
Jamie wasn't sure what Adrian wanted her to do, so when Adrian ran into the kitchen Jamie tried to sooth the man who was holding his forehead and weeping. There didn't seem to be anything she could do or say that would make the man calm down. It was as if he'd become hysterical. This was exactly why Jamie didn't want to go out drinking with people who clearly only wanted to drink to excess.
When Adrian came back, she had a dish towel in her hand. She held it to the young man's wound, and walked him to the door, patting him on the back.
“Listen,” Adrian said. “I'll call you a cab to the hospital when we get outside. I know that you're heart and it feels good to cry, but I really don't want you to bleed all over my house. There is just something about people bleeding everywhere that just doesn't make my landlord excited.”
With that, the two left, leaving Jamie alone with her own thoughts about the kiss. She pressed her finger to her lips and swayed as she was drunk on something, but the only thing that was making her body tingle were pheromones.
It was amazing that Adrian had kissed her, especially with how her mind had been on Adrian all day. She needed some kind of explanation though, some kind of rationalization. There was no way to know exactly what had been going on in Adrian's head without her speaking it. Jamie hoped that the next day they could talk. Both of them didn't have class, Jamie knew that. But for now, she'd have to wait.
The next day Jamie woke up to the sound of Adrian throwing up. She must have had too much to drink, Jamie figured, as she pulled the covers off of herself and stepped out of bed. There wasn't much she could do for Adrian except make her some coffee and maybe an egg or two to eat. In Jamie's experience, once the retching sounds started it was really hard to get one's stomach back under control.
“Hey,” Jamie said. “Are you all right in there? I made you some coffee and I'm about to make you an egg. Would that be all right? Does an egg sound good?”
The toilet flushed and the bathroom door opened a crack.
“I'm all right,” Adrian said. “But I'm not so sure about the egg. My stomach is literally in knots right now, and it feels like someone rubbed rusty barbed wire along its sides.”
The door slammed shut and puking sounds came from the bathroom once again. Jamie felt bad for Adrian. She figured the best thing she could do would be to just make them both an egg and see if Adrian would eat hers. There was no way that she didn't need something in her stomach. Drunk people, especially drunk people turned hungover people, didn't want to eat but absolutely needed to. It was one of life's funny dichotomies.
“Hey, Jamie,” Adrian said. “You don't have to make me breakfast. It's sweet of you but, I, I—”
With that Adrian turned and sprinted back into the bathroom. Jamie couldn't help but chuckle, but not in any sort of mean spirited way. There were so many times in the past where she'd been in Adrian's place, trying not to lose her lunch while at the same time trying to do something that needed to be done. It was hard to balance the two things out when one is hungover. But eventually Adrian came out of the bathroom and joined her at the breakfast table. Before Jamie could say anything, Adrian spoke.
“I want to talk about why I kissed you yesterday,” Adrian said. “I've haven't been very forthright with you about something. I'm gay. And I've known it for a long time. Well, I guess I'm probably bi because I'm still down with guys, and think they are hot. But I think women are way, way hotter.”
Adrian giggled and Jamie smiled. There was an energy pulsing through the air between them, something like existential carbonation. Neither was sure what the right thing to say was, and both of them wanted to be careful not to hurt the others feelings.
“I'm not sure how I feel about men right now,” Jamie said. “I mean, they're still attractive, but I think about women way more. Men just don't have the same mannerisms about them. They seem to care about things that I just don't relate to at all. Not that they need to like the things I like, but at the same time, it would just be nice to have some common ground to stand on with them.”
Adrian nodded their head.
“That's how I felt for a long time, but then I became sure that women were my primary interest,” Adrian said. “Men, I don't know. They just don't seem to have what I need.”
Jamie nodded, knowing that Adrian knew better than she did the words she was trying to say. It was amazing to her to find that Adrian was so open to talking about this.
“Hey,” Jamie said. “Thanks for being open to having a chat with me. I know that there is probably other stuff that you could be doing right now.”
“Like puking? I mean, I didn't have much going on,” Adrian said. “And even if I did, this is a much more important conversation. I get that there isn't a whole lot that can be done when it comes to who we're around. Just like we didn't really choose to be roommates, it just happened that way. But you know what there are plenty of things that we have in common that I'd like to talk about, and I hope you feel comfortable enough with me to talk with me about them.”
Jamie couldn't believe how glad she was to hear Adrian say that. It had been weighing on her. Now she knew that she didn't have to hide who she really was from Adrian.
It was a great feeling.
“We should eat our breakfast before it gets cold,” Jamie said. “And maybe we can talk more later!”
They both dug in, although Adrian was careful of how fast she ate. Jamie realized that she really must be hurting, the way one of her arms cradled her stomach, and the other slowly and carefully ferried food from the plate to her mouth.
Jamie was glad that she wasn't in the same physical state of Adrian, but at the same time she couldn't help but feel like she missed out on something by not going out with the group the night before. There were so many things that her and Adrian could have talked about, so many places they could have gone. And Jamie wanted to know what kind of person Adrian was when she was drunk. Jamie wasn't much of a drinker, but she always heard that people were at their most honest when they were drunk. She liked to think that there was probably some truth to that, especially because all that she'd heard about alcohol being a kind of truth serum.
As they finished their meal, Jamie wondered what the future might bring.
In the next few weeks Jamie and Adrian spent a great deal of time with each other. There was always something for them to do or talk about, it seemed like. Jamie was keen on getting to know Adrian in the biblical sense, but Adrian never pushed it or even brought it up. The time being, they walked around holding hands and giving each other longing glances. There was something that kept them apart, though, some little hesitation that wasn't on either of their parts, but was just there.
At first Jamie tried to understand it, but then just let it be. She could tell that Adrian sensed it as well. It was probably the reason why Adrian hadn't done anything like make a move on her. Or at least that's what Jamie liked to think. Otherwise it might be something like Adrian not finding her attractive. But Jamie had a strong suspicion that wasn't the case at all.
The party season picked up as fall progressed and people realized they could still make good grades and be drunk most nights of the week. Jamie and Adrian had kept away from booze after the night Adrian had come home so messed up. Even though the next day had been a huge breakthrough in their budding relationship, it was an experience that Jamie wanted to be a warning of sorts. She didn't want to be the one who was up all morning trying not to puke. There was so many other things that she could think of using her time to accomplish. What she didn't want to have happen was let alcohol take control of her life in ways that were negative. It wasn't that she couldn't hold her liquor, it was that she wanted to be the best person possible all the time.
Towards the end of semester both Jamie and Adrian were invited to a party by the local cool kid clique of lesbians. At first neither really knew what to make of it, and Jamie finally decided to bring it up over dinner, the day before the party.
“Do you think that people think we're sleeping together? It kind of seems that way,” Jamie said. “I used to think that people were smarter than that—just assuming that we would fuck each other because it's sort of obvious there is some sort of attraction going on.”
“I know, right,” Adrian said. “It just seems so low brow of some of our peers. Well, you know, we aren't really sure that's what people are thinking. I mean, they could just think that we are really close friends. Or maybe they think we're still feeling each other out and aren't exactly sure what to do.”
“I guess you're right,” Jamie said. “There are so many different ways people could take our relationship. Obviously all the wrong ways are the most likely thing to have happen. It seems that people are just so willing to believe whatever is most salacious.”
“You use the biggest words, sometimes,” Adrian said. “And I love it.”
Jamie blushed, and they finished eating breakfast without speaking of it again. And although they didn't speak of it, Jamie knew that Adrian wanted to go to the part, and when they did, Adrian would want to fool around a little bit. That was fine with Jamie, or at least she thought it was fine. There was something so difficult about trying to think about stuff like that in the future, whether or not she would be turned on in a given situation versus whether or not she wasn't.
In large part that was what was so fun about all of this girl on girl play—it was taboo, so when she said no it wasn't that she was a prude. Or maybe it was, but it wasn't like when she would tell a guy she wasn't interested in sex and they became all angry and huffy and stopped being fun to be around. Men tended to try to push sex on other people as if it were how they could get what they want, when really, there was no reason to think that just because she spent time with them she lost any kind of control of her body.
That was one thing that the lesbian community really had going for it, the way that it wasn't expected of people that they surrender the agency of their bodies. Women had to voluntarily go along with things in the most literal sense. They couldn't just be passive—well, not nearly as passive as men usually expected them to be during sexual encounters. In woman on woman encounters it was important both partners be not only excited, but participatory.
The next day they went to the part dressed in outfits that made them look drop dead gorgeous. Adrian wore something akin to a toga. Jamie wore something like a sexy business suit. The party wasn't outfit themed, but people always came dressed that way, Adrian had told Jamie. It sounded like Adrian had been to such parties before, but Jamie didn't want to ask and find something out about Adrian that might be intimidating. It was hard enough for Jamie to go to one of these parties when she hadn't even really done anything with Adrian yet sexually. They'd kissed once and that had been it. They'd talked around the subject of liking each other as if they were afraid to address it. Maybe they were afraid to address it. Jamie knew that she wasn't in a hurry to make Adrian outline exactly what she wanted to have go on. Jamie also knew that it was a distinct possibility that such a thing might happen at the party they were going to. The local cool kids, Adrian told her, loved to put people on the spot—especially when they first came to college, and especially when they first started hanging out with a potential lover.
When they got to the party Jamie was happy to let Adrian take the lead. Adrian had been hinting the whole day, during class, that she would want to be the one to walk into the party first and do all the talking, more or less. Jamie didn't ask why she wouldn't be able to handle it, knowing that Adrian was only looking out for the two of them.
“Hey everyone,” Adrian said. “I'd like all of you to meet my roommate, and current crush, Jamie.”
“Is she crushing on you back?” someone asked.
“I'm not so sure,” Adrian said. “But she did kiss me back the other day, so that's a good enough start for me.”
The room erupted in laughter, and Jamie found herself chuckling along with everyone else instead of blushing. It was strange to feel so accepted while at the same time being joked around with. The group made it feel like everyone was so eager to laugh that they would have laughed at anything, as if there was some sort of dam holding in a great tide of mirth and glee. Every time someone said something funny, everyone laughed as if it were the funniest thing they'd ever heard.
The party started out with a fun game of charades. People acted out what was on their card and everyone tried to guess what they were doing. There weren't any teams, and it wasn't as if people really cared what the score was anyone. It was all about spending time together, and letting loose. And although Jamie knew that this was what it was supposed to feel like when friends hung out, she couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this with anyone she called a friend, besides Adrian.
Eventually someone suggested that spin the bottle be played. Of course everyone couldn't wait, and there were no objections. Jamie's face wouldn't cool down, she could feel the blood simmering just under her skin. The flush she felt was seen carried on the faces of many other beautiful young women in the room.
“All right, everyone,” Adrian said. “I've got an empty Pepsi bottle right here. I realize that some people prefer Coke, but there wasn't a coke bottle. I'm sorr
y that so many of you are weird enough to sit at home and practice to the point where you can manipulate certain kind of bottles better than others.”
“The payoff will be when I stick my tongue down your dates throat!” someone shouted.
The room was alive with energy, and once again Jamie found herself surrounded by the cracking and popping sensation of existential carbonation. There was electricity in the room, as if a storm were about to start popping off bolts, excepted inverted. Instead of heading down from the sky, these bolts would head inward. It was something that Jamie had a hard time even feeling well enough to be sure that she knew what was going on with her emotions.
“I'll spin first,” Adrian said. “I've been practiving a little bit myself.”
Jamie was surprised to here this. While the rest of the room roared with laughter she sat and wondered if Adrian was kidding or if she really had sat around and figured out exactly how to manipulate a bottle, how to make it twirl and stop on the person of her choosing. If that were the case, Jamie wondered if she would be the one to share the game's first kiss, and if it would be with Adrian. And at the same time, she thought, what if Adrian selects someone else besides me to make me jealous? Or maybe she would be trying to spare Jamie's feelings, but Jamie could already feel a wave of jealous make her stomach nauseous.
Adrian sat down in the circle the girls had formed, and without hesitation, spun the bottle with a flip of her wrist. Jamie's eyes locked on the bottle, seeing who would have to kiss who. The way the girls wanted to play the first few rounds was that the person who spun kissed the person the business, or drinking, end of the bottle pointed to. After that they would play the more traditional way where the bottle pointed to the two people kissing, the front and back end, without relation to who did the spinning.
“There it goes,” Adrian said. “Just like I wanted it to. There it goes.”
Double Grades Page 42
