There was no way she’d ever put him through that sort of hell. Besides, Russ was too good a man to be tied to a warped woman like her. He needed someone fresh and vibrant, someone with a sunny nature who would fill his home with kids and his life with love. Yes. That’s what Russ deserved and that’s what she wanted for him.
“You’re awfully quiet over there,” Russ commented as the old truck shook and rattled over a rutted track that barely resembled a road.
This morning the two of them were in one of the ranch’s older trucks that were used for traveling over rough terrain. And Laurel could see the sturdy vehicle was definitely needed as they drove northward toward a range of mountains. In many places, the path they were traveling was washed out and often blocked with shifting rocks and clumps of brush. For the past ten minutes, Laurel had been gripping the armrest to keep her head from being tossed into the windshield.
“I’m too busy hanging on to try to talk,” she told him. “It would help if this old thing had working seat belts. At least I could tie myself down.”
Russ chuckled. “If it was good enough to have working seat belts, it would be too good to drive over this ground. But I don’t think we’ll have to go too much farther. From Laramie’s directions, after we pass through this next gate we should find the herd close by.”
Late yesterday evening, the foreman and some of the ranch hands had been riding this area and spotted a herd with a few cows that were displaying peculiar behavior. Now she and Russ were on their way to find the cattle and determine if some sort of contagious disease was starting to spread through them.
“We should have come by horseback,” she said, her fingers gripping the edge of the frayed bench seat. “The ride certainly would have been smoother than this buckboard.”
“Smoother, but much longer. And we don’t have time to waste.” He glanced curiously over at her. “Now that I think about it, I’ve never seen you on a horse. You’ve helped me treat hundreds of them over the years, but I didn’t know you could ride.”
“You never asked.”
“That’s why I’m asking now. I’m trying to learn more about you.”
A hopeless feeling suddenly struck her, but she just as quickly tried to shove it away. She enjoyed being with this man in any capacity. To dwell on what could or couldn’t be would only ruin the pleasure she got from working at his side.
Shrugging, she said, “I wouldn’t call myself an excellent horsewoman by any stretch of the imagination, but I can sit a saddle pretty well. My twin and I learned to ride when we were just little girls. A good friend of ours lived on a ranch with lots of horses. Her father was kind and patient enough to teach us.”
“Is your friend still around?”
“No. Her folks sold the property and they moved to another ranch in Southern California. She’s still lives there, and from time to time I get a card or call from her.”
“So you quit riding after she left town?”
Laurel shook her head. “About the time she moved away, I’d gotten acquainted with Alexa and the two of us used to ride quite a bit. That was before—well, before Alexa left Lincoln County and went to work in Santa Fe.”
“Was your sister still living then?”
She’d not been expecting that sort of question from him. In the years she’d known him, he’d rarely ever brought up the subject of her family, never pushed her to talk about her parents or siblings. But to be fair, when he’d owned the clinic in town, every minute of the day had been consumed with work and they’d not had much time for talk, unless it pertained to treating their patients. Maybe he’d wanted to ask her personal things, but there had never been an opportunity for it.
Laurel had certainly wanted to ask him things. Especially when he was going through his divorce. During that period, he’d lost weight and practically quit talking altogether. She’d wanted to yell at him and ask him if Brooke was worth ruining his health over. But she’d kept her comments and questions to herself. The last thing she’d wanted was for him to get the idea that she was jealous, that she cared about his welfare much more than Brooke ever had.
Releasing a long, heavy breath, she finally answered, “Lainey had already passed on by then. I was in high school and my father and brother were already making plans to move to Arizona.”
A stretch of silence passed and Laurel could see from his expression that he was chewing thoughtfully on her words.
Eventually, he said, “The other day you told me that you didn’t want to talk about your sister. And you don’t have to now. I’m just wondering—you mentioned your father and brother, but not your mother. Was she not around?”
The morning sun was shining brightly and the sky was a picture-perfect azure-blue that could only be found in New Mexico. Yet the sunny sky couldn’t push away the darkness of her memories.
“No. By then she’d been gone for a few years.” Stiffening her spine, she swallowed hard, then turned slightly in the seat to face him. “You see, my mother, Stacie, left the family not long after my sister was diagnosed with the blood disorder that killed her.”
He eased his foot off the accelerator and the truck’s speed slowed to a crawl. “Left?” he asked, clearly dumbfounded. “Are you serious?”
Suddenly she was angry. Not at him, but at all the loss and misery her mother had caused the whole Stanton family. “Why would I make up something so awful? It’s not like it’s something I even want people to know. That my mother was so worthless that she couldn’t deal with a sick child. That she didn’t have the gumption or the love to stick around and care for her own daughter!”
Unconsciously, her voice had risen with each word she’d spoken, and now as Russ stared at her, she realized she’d probably been close to shrieking. It wasn’t like her to lose control of her emotions. And it certainly wasn’t like her to let loose like this with Russ.
“I— Oh, God, I’m sorry,” she apologized, her low voice full of regret. “It’s not often that I ever say my mother’s name. I get very angry when I talk about her.”
Russ braked the truck to a halt and turned toward her. “I’m the one who’s sorry, Laurel. I didn’t have any idea that—well, now is not the time or place for this. When I asked—”
“Forget it, Russ. Is there ever a right time or place to talk about unpleasant memories?”
“No. I guess not.” He shook his head. “I’ve always been curious as to why you never mentioned your mother. I even asked Maccoy once if he knew anything about your family.”
Surprised by his admission, she stared at him. “Why didn’t you ask me?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. You never asked me personal things, so I didn’t want to come off as being the nosy one. But Maccoy couldn’t tell me anything, except that your sister had died and your father and brother had moved away. So I took it for granted that your parents were divorced or something and she wasn’t around.”
Laurel let out a bitter laugh. “Divorced? I guess so. I never really knew what happened legally with my parents. You see, they never had a strong marriage. There was always bickering going on. Even if the situation hadn’t occurred with Lainey, they would have probably divorced, I can see that now. Serious problems either pull people together or push them apart. Now I have no idea if my mother is still living. Once she left, that was it.”
He looked away from her and across a small meadow that was covered with patches of snow. Laurel wondered what he was thinking. That she came from a mess of a family? That her bad genes made her a risky partner to work with, to love?
“What kind of person was she?” Russ asked. “Did you love her?”
A ball of emotion suddenly filled her throat. She tried to clear it away, but her voice sounded raspy when she spoke. “I believe you’re the first person who’s ever asked me that question, Russ. No one else seemed to ever care or wonder if I loved my mother, or if her leaving had hurt me. I guess they were all too busy worrying over Lainey. And rightly so. Her health was more important than m
y state of mind. But to answer your question, yes, I loved my mother. When she went away it was like my whole world collapsed. My father and brother were pretty useless. So it was mainly just me and my sister. Me caring for her and her clinging to me.”
“I see.”
She grimaced. “How could you possibly see?”
“I’ll tell you how later,” he said with a grim frown. “Right now we’d better head on up the mountain and find that herd of cows.”
Normally Laurel would have been relieved that she no longer had to talk about private issues, but as Russ put the truck back in motion, she felt strangely deflated. Talking to him about her past hadn’t felt degrading. She’d wanted to tell him more, to let that horrible dam inside her break and let every dark thought and fear come tumbling out.
That’s because you’re changing, Laurel. That’s because sharing that part of yourself has started to feel natural and right. Just like making love to him had felt good and right.
While she mulled over her thoughts, he put the truck back into forward motion. They traveled a quarter mile before a wide galvanized fence blocked the roadway. Past it, the track turned between two low hills, then climbed until another mountain meadow appeared.
“There they are,” Russ announced as he spotted the cattle.
About forty head of black Angus were gathered near a lone tree at the back side of the opening. As soon as they noticed the approaching truck, the cattle’s heads came up and several of them began trotting toward them.
Russ quickly parked the truck in the middle of the road. “Let’s spread the feed and try to look them over as they eat,” he told Laurel.
In a matter of minutes the whole herd had wandered up to partake of the range cubes that Russ had poured onto the ground. All except eight of the cows were eating heartily, and those eight were standing to one side, bawling lowly.
“Look, Russ, that one isn’t walking quite right. She’s staggering! Maybe they have blackleg or listeriosis.”
“Those things do make it tough for a cow to walk. And anything is possible, but God help us if it is a problem coming from the soil. Let’s try to get a closer look at them,” he told her.
In the past, whenever they were called out to an area ranch, they tended cattle or animals that were already penned. It wasn’t very often that they dealt with cows or bulls out in the open without a chute or corral to confine them. And even then, they had cowboys there to rope and secure the cattle. In this case, Russ could only observe from a distance, or at best, try to get a hands-on look.
A few minutes later, Russ and Laurel walked a short distance away from the cattle and over to the side of the truck. “Laramie’s hunch was right. The cows are sick,” Russ said. “But with what I’m not sure yet. I think we can rule out blackleg. I didn’t see any swelling. But that’s just one of many things that could be wrong.”
Laurel had learned a lot over the years she’d worked as Russ’s assistant. He didn’t have to tell her that there was a list of cattle diseases as long as her arm, and some of them were difficult to diagnose. He’d need to do extensive blood work and examinations to determine exactly what was affecting these particular cows.
Pulling out a cell phone, he made a quick call to Laramie. Once he hung up, he said to Laurel, “They’ll be here as soon as they gather up panels and a truck and trailer. A couple of cowboys on horseback are coming too, just in case some of the sick cattle bolt and need to be rounded up. I told Laramie we’d stay put, just in case we’re needed here.”
She opened the truck door. “Why don’t we get back inside and have a cup of coffee,” Laurel suggested. “There’s not anything we can do standing out here in the cold.”
Early this morning, while Russ had been gathering tools and medications, Laurel had filled a thermos with hot coffee and thrown a few snacks into a sack. Now as they settled themselves back on the bench seat, she pulled out two foam cups and poured each of them half full.
“I brought candy and cookies,” she offered.
A faint grin touched his lips. “You came prepared, did you?”
She pulled an oatmeal cookie from a small plastic container. “After that dizzy spell the other night, I’m not going to take any chances.”
His grin dissolved as he looked over at her. “Has that happened anymore?”
“No. Not at all. Why do you ask? You can see for yourself that I’m fine.”
He reached over and slid his fingers over the back of her hand. “I can’t do all this work without you,” he softly teased.
It was the first time since the night they’d made love that he’d initiated any sort of flirtation, and though it was a ridiculous reaction, she was suddenly struck with shyness.
Staring down at the sack on her lap, she quipped, “I’ll make sure to eat a few more cookies.”
Placing his coffee cup on the dashboard, he scooted over on the bench seat until his shoulder was touching hers. The contact set Laurel’s heart on a runaway pace.
“That’s what I like about these old vehicles,” he said lowly. “There’s no console or bucket seats to keep me from getting close to you.”
She twisted her face around to his. “What are you doing over here?” she asked inanely.
“You need to ask? Ever since I left your bed the other night, I’ve been dying to get close to you again.”
She nervously licked her lips and reminded herself to breathe. “You’ve had plenty of opportunities. We live within walking distance of each other.”
“That’s true. But these past few nights I’ve been tied up with stacks of paperwork. Most of it to do with tying up loose ends with Dr. Brennan and the clinic back in town.” His fingertips gently grazed her cheek. “Besides, I felt like you needed time to think.”
“About what?” she dared to ask.
“About me. And you. Together. Have you been thinking about us?”
The emotions he invoked in her were so full and overwhelming, all she could do was groan with dismay and bury her face against his shoulder.
“That’s all I’ve been able to think about, Russ.”
“And?”
“I’ve always abhorred the idea of having an affair. And I never thought I’d be the kind of woman who’d ever agree to have one. But I want you, Russ. I’m not going to waste time trying to deny it.”
He said nothing and then his hands were unexpectedly lifting her head away from his shoulder. As he carefully studied her face, Laurel felt her cheeks grow red-hot.
“An affair?” he whispered in disbelief. “That’s what you think I want?”
The trembling going on inside her moved outward, forcing her to grip the front of his jacket to keep her hands from visibly shaking. “That’s what I assumed. I’m sorry if I misunderstood and jumped to conclusions. From the way you’re looking at me, I can only guess that I’m going way too fast for you. But after the other night—”
“Fast! Hellfire, Laurel, you don’t know me at all! After all these years of working with me, where would you get the idea that I’m the sort of man who’d want to have an affair? Especially with a woman like you!”
Easing back, she glared at him. “What does that mean, a woman like me?”
“It means you’re better than that.”
Totally confused now, she said, “I’m sorry, Russ, but I don’t understand. If you don’t want us to be that close—then what do you want?”
Sighing with frustration, he wiped a hand over his face. “Oh, Laurel, are you really that clueless? Can’t you see that I love you? I want you to be my wife.”
Never in her life had she expected those words to come out of his mouth. And she had no doubt the shock must have shown on her face. “No—that can’t be.”
His hands reached for her shoulders and Laurel instinctively scooted away from him, until her back was pressed against the truck door.
“Laurel, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blurt this out to you now. Especially here on the job like this. But now that I have—�
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She interrupted the rest of his words with a violent shake of her head. “I wasn’t expecting anything like this from you, Russ. It’s not what I want!”
“Why?”
“Why?” she repeated blankly, then rolled her eyes with exasperation. “The reasons are too many to count!”
His nearness made the small interior of the cab seem even more confining. The need to escape took hold of her and she hastily reached for the door handle and jerked it open.
Before he could stop her, she practically leaped to the ground, then stumbled to the back of the truck. With her hands braced on the edge of the tailgate, she bent her head and drew in deep breaths of cold air.
But all too soon, she heard the truck door opening and closing and then Russ’s hands were on her shoulders, urging her to turn and face him.
“I don’t want a list, Laurel,” he said. “Just give me one good reason why you don’t want more than an affair.”
Blinking at the hot moisture in her eyes, she whirled on him. “Did you ever stop to consider that I might not love you?”
His solemn expression didn’t flinch or change in any way. “I considered the possibility. But I’m betting that you do. You’re not the type to give yourself to a man just for the sake of having sex. I may not know your favorite color or movie, or the way you like your eggs cooked. In fact, there’s a hell of a whole lot I don’t know about you. But I do know you wouldn’t have given your virginity to a man you didn’t care about.”
Tight-lipped, she looked at him and wondered why she was shaking, why she desperately felt like bursting into tears. The man she’d idolized for so long had just proposed to her. Not only that, he’d vowed his love. Any other woman would be deliriously happy. But to Laurel, her greatest fears had finally caught up to her and now they were slapping her in the face.
The Doctor's Calling Page 12
