His last statement was punctuated with a serious, yet neutral, expression that could have meant many things. I suddenly became self-conscious of the fact that I was still in bed, wearing nothing except a pair of his old boxers, and that I probably looked like a sea hag after a night of thrashing around in the throes of my own mental instability.
“Okay,” I said shakily. “But do you mind handing me a shirt first?”
He nodded and pulled one of my tees out of the dresser, another of my favorites that Kaylee had ruined with bleach. I shrugged into it and stood. “I’ll make us some coffee,” I said and slipped past him before his presence in my bedroom derailed all resolve I had to stay angry.
Andre followed me into the kitchen, which didn’t help, seeing as it was even smaller than my bedroom. Not to mention that my kitchen held many memories of burned meals that had been abandoned for takeout because we had been unable to keep our hands off of each other long enough to make toast. I set the coffee maker to brew and yawned, taking in a deep breath to clear away the fog of sleep. The rich scent of the coffee nearly masked another cloying scent I knew well. When I realized what it was, my reaction was automatic.
“You’re bleeding!”
I meant it as a statement of concern, but from the way Andre flinched and took a step back, I’m sure the iridescent glint of my eyes and the flash of my fangs made it seem quite hostile. Not that he shouldn’t have been used to it. One of my stranger traits was the ability to identify someone by the scent of their blood. Andre’s blood, however, evoked an involuntary visceral reaction.
“I’m fine,” he said dismissively. “I got a couple of scratches earlier.”
I leaned in and examined the side of his face and neck. There were no wounds, of course, because Andre healed almost as quickly as I did. But peppering his neck were flecks of dried blood almost too small to see. A pungent green scent clung to his hair and skin, which made me realize I had been right to suspect something had been planned without me.
“You went out there, didn’t you?”
“Evan and I did, yes,” he admitted. I was angry that they went behind my back, but at the same time, my hopes were lifted.
“Did you get…?” I couldn’t ask the question.
“No,” he answered quietly. “We found a transmitter in the vampire that attacked you, but it wasn’t in his neck and it wasn’t like the one Cynda had described.”
“Well damn, that’s useless,” I said dejectedly.
“Not exactly, this is actually good news, in a way.”
“Oh?” The coffee finished brewing, so I poured us each a cup. “What’s the good news?” Andre slipped past me into the living room and I followed, cursing my lack of furniture. Andre sat down in the middle of my small sofa forcing me to either sit right next to him or take a spot on the floor. I decided to remain standing on principal.
“The transmitter we found was in the vampire’s chest, near his heart, and attached to a small explosive device.”
“Like Isaac’s?”
“Like Isaac’s,” Andre confirmed with a hopeful smile. “So now we not only know how to remove it, we also know how to deactivate it.”
“That is good news,” I said with a relieved sigh. “Now we just need to-. Oh no!” I suddenly remembered something and panicked. “Andre, that vampire that came after us the night I found Cynda. He mentioned her, or me, by name. I’ll bet he had a transmitter too!”
“Undoubtedly,” he confirmed. “The body was incinerated after DNA data was collected and logged, so there isn’t much we can do about it now, but security has been informed to keep an eye out for anything suspicious. As far as I can tell, the transmitter works a lot like the one you and I have, meaning it also monitors vital signs. Right now all we can do is hope that Bluebeard lost interest after the time and place of death were logged.”
“That doesn’t seem likely,” I pointed out.
“No, it doesn’t,” Andre regarded me with a slight frown. “I still don’t understand why you didn’t mention that the vampire knew who you were. Withholding that kind of information is dangerous.”
I took a deep breath and considered how I was going to answer without starting a fight. “Look, Andre, I already told you that I wasn’t sure. I mean, yes, he said ‘Lucinda and the lost one’, which admittedly, was weird. But as to why I didn’t tell anyone? The same reason I’m still pissed at you for the way you reacted in the cemetery. The same reason I went ahead and made plans to be involved in this rescue, despite the fact that you are clearly trying to keep me out of the planning process.”
“We are not trying to keep you out of the planning process, Lucy,” Andre said with thinly veiled exasperation. “As to my reaction in the cemetery, I wasn’t the one who had been backed into a corner by an enemy with prior knowledge of my strengths and weaknesses. If you’re going to be pissed at me for caring about your safety then-”
“That’s just it!” I interrupted. The conversation was veering into argument territory. “You seem to be forgetting that I am more than capable of taking care of myself. I don’t need rescuing, Andre. I get where you and Evan have some sort of misguided guilt over what happened in Paris, but you need to get over that. You were in just as much danger as I was and you’re forgetting that were it not for the little advantage I happened to pass to you, you would have died or at least ended up in a wheelchair for the rest of your life.”
He set his cup down and stood up. Taking mine from my hands, he placed it on the counter, took my hand, and led me to the sofa. Still hurt, I sat as close to the edge as possible and refused to look at him when he sat next to me.
“I haven’t forgotten,” he said quietly. “I owe my life to you, Lucy and no, I’ll never forget that. But do you know what else I won’t forget?”
“No, what?” I asked as casually as I could while trying to ignore the heat I could feel radiating from his body and the scent of him.
“The utter helplessness that I felt for four days while you were missing. The way my soul felt as if it was torn in two when I watched you board the plane back to the states. And again, when you ran from me in the cemetery last week.” I felt the sofa shift as Andre closed the gap between us and placed his hand tentatively on my shoulder. “Lucy, look at me.”
I barely heard his whispered request over the sound of my own beating heart as his fingertips traced a feather light path along my jawline. Trembling, I yielded to his request and lifted my eyes to his face. His dark eyes were molten pools of intensity that caused an involuntary gasp and a tightening around my heart. He leaned forward until his forehead rested against mine.
“I don’t think you are weak. If anyone here is weak, Lucy, it’s me. I’ve nearly lost you more times than I care to remember and yes, I accept that often this was my own fault. If it bothers you that I want to keep you safe then tell me to leave, tell me to walk away and I will. But if you care as much about me as I care about you, then you’ll have to accept that I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you again.”
If his devastatingly emotional declaration hadn’t melted away every shred of hope I had for being over Andre, then the kiss did. There was no hesitation, no awkwardness. Four months of emotional conflict and pain vanished when his lips met mine and I didn’t look back. Everything that had been missing in my life was suddenly made whole and I didn’t want that feeling to end.
I don’t know when we found our way back to my bedroom or where most of our clothing ended up, but as we fell, entangled onto the bed, a nagging voice in the back of my head became harder to ignore. Yes, Andre cared for me and of course, I cared for him, but sex, even potentially amazing sex, was a temporary solution to the other issues that Andre and I were both conveniently ignoring.
“Andre wait, we can’t…”
He drew away from me with a sigh. “You’re right, I’m sorry.” He rolled off of me and sat up against the headboard. I rolled onto my stomach and stared up at him, curious as to what direction his apology was t
aking. For a long time he sat quietly, head back and eyes closed in thought. I nearly thought he had fallen asleep until he exhaled deeply and regarded me with a melancholy half-frown.
“It was never my intention to hurt you, Lucy.”
I waited for a moment, expecting him to follow that ominous statement with an explanation. When none was forthcoming, my heart sank and the bitterness welled up to take its place. “Oh? You didn’t think walking out of my life without saying goodbye wasn’t going to hurt me?” I sat up and wrapped the sheet around myself. This wasn’t a conversation I was going to have literally lying down.
“No, I mean, yes. I understand why you would be hurt and you have every right to be mad at me, but you have to understand something.” He leaned forward and reached for my hand. “You know why I was upset when I left, but Lucy, the reason I didn’t say goodbye was because it wasn’t supposed to be goodbye.”
“What does that mean? You just took off because you were mad at me?”
“No,” he shook his head and squeezed my hand in his. “My flight was booked as a round trip. I was only supposed to be in Paris for three days. I had every intention of coming home after we both had time to think rationally and talk to you about why it upsets me to see you put your life in danger.”
“But you weren’t there for three days, Andre. Couldn’t you have at least called or texted me to let me know? Yeah, I knew you were mad at me when you left, but when you didn’t come back and no one would tell me what was going on…what was I supposed to think?”
“I know,” he said quietly, “and trust me, knowing what you must have been thinking was a personal hell that I lived with every day. But you have to understand that by the time I realized how long I would be gone, it was too late to contact anyone.”
“Why? When I asked you about Paris, you clammed up.” I wasn’t sure what I believed. I understood the need to be off network, especially if he was going undercover, but both Andre and I carried prepaid cell phones for that exact reason.
“Even if I could tell you, I’m not sure that I would.” His expression was unreadable, a vague mix of horror and guilt. “I’m not comfortable even thinking about it.”
I slipped my hand from his grasp and pulled the sheet tighter around me as the double meaning of his words sunk in. I took a deep breath and resolved to keep my composure. “I… I think you should probably go now.”
“What? Why?”
“I’m not an idiot Andre,” I said with a trembling voice. “If you cheated on me, just tell me.”
“What?” He looked up at me with an expression of deep hurt. “Do you actually think I would do that?”
I shrugged and turned away, determined not to cry, but already the tears were welling up in my eyes. “Why wouldn’t you? You were upset with me. You’re being incredibly vague about Paris, which is not like you at all.”
“Lucy,” he sighed and slipped his arms around me, pulling me back against his chest. “You have no idea how much you mean to me. I’m not perfect by any means, but I’m not stupid enough to risk losing you by cheating on you.”
I wanted to believe him. I wanted more than anything to forget the four months of separation and slip back into the comfortable, yet intense relationship that we had built over the last year. “I don't know what I believe anymore,” I said with a sigh and tried to pull away, but he only held me closer.
“Then let me prove it, Lucy,” he whispered fiercely. “You trusted me once and I let you down. All I can ask is for a chance to gain your trust once again.”
I turned my head to face him. A single tear caught in his thick lashes before splashing onto his cheek. He looked so vulnerable that I felt the sting of my own eyes watering up again. I reached up and grazed my hand along the rough texture of the stubble on his cheek.
“I want to trust you Andre. But I need you to trust me too. If plans are being made to go to Blackthorn, I will be included in them, whether you like it or not.”
“That’s out of the question,” he said, but quickly held his hand up to stop the objection I was building. “I’m not stopping you. But Evan’s already met with Ingrid and Holly and they’ve finalized their plans.”
“If Ingrid and Holly are talking to Evan they’ll be explaining to him why I need to go.”
“And why is that?” he asked. There was genuine curiosity in his voice, but the way his lips grazed my neck as he spoke was a diversion tactic. A good one, but I kept my focus.
“When we didn’t hear any good news this week, we assumed the worst and went ahead and started making plans. I know Ingrid and Holly can take care of themselves, but I also know, because of them, that male mods are chauvinist assholes. We decided that to give them some clout, they need to have a male accompany them. I’m going in as their driver. That is, their male driver.”
Andre’s half-laugh was exactly what I was expecting, so I leaned over and grabbed my phone from the bedside table, and pulled up some pictures we had taken of my disguise.
“That’s really you?”
“Yep, Tanya’s a genius.”
“That is impressive,” Andre admitted, “and a bit disturbing. But Lucy, I still don’t think this is a good idea. A disguise won’t keep you out of danger if they happen to suspect something is amiss.”
“No, but who’s going to keep Holly and Ingrid out of danger if something goes wrong? Like it or not, they are my responsibility and Isaac is stuck there because of me. How do you think that makes me feel? The father I never knew risked his life for my safety. Now that we have the chance to save him, how am I supposed to sit back and let other people handle it?”
“I don’t know,” he sighed. “I understand, Lucy, and if it were me in your position I’d feel the same way. I just…”
“I know.” I brought my hand back up to his cheek and kissed him softly. “I’m just as guilty of wanting to protect you, Andre. But you have to accept that you may not always be there to protect me anymore than I’ll always be able to protect you.”
He tilted his head and placed a kiss on the palm of my hand. It was such a simple and sweet gesture, yet it set fire to my insides.
“I can’t tell you what to do,” he said with a sigh. “If Evan agrees then I’ll have to accept it. But don’t think for a minute that I won’t always be there to protect you. I want you in my life, Lucy, not my memories.”
His words broke the already fragile barrier I had tried to erect around my heart. There was nothing I could say in response that even remotely came close to expressing what I was feeling. Instead, I threw my arms around his neck and poured all of my emotions into one tender, yet passionate kiss that left us both gasping.
“So,” Andre whispered while peppering my neck and jawline with soft kisses, “do you still wish me to leave?”
“Only if you want to get any sleep.” I hadn’t realized the double meaning of my reply until his eyebrow quirked upward and a sly smile played across his face. I blushed and smiled shyly. “That’s not exactly what I meant. I… well, you heard for yourself.”
His expression clouded over with worry. “The nightmares aren’t just occasional are they?” I shook my head no. He pulled away from me and lay down on ‘his’ side of the bed and motioned for me to join him. I laid my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. “What can I do to help?”
I already knew his presence alone was worth more than any therapy session, meditation, or self-medicating with alcohol that I had already tried, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. Despite the elation I felt from knowing he still cared for me, I still thought myself weak for it. “Nothing, it’s something I have to work out on my own,” I found myself saying with a half yawn. “Just still be here when I wake up. I’d hate for this to be a dream.” His soft chuckle was the last thing I heard before drifting off.
When I awoke just a few hours later, it was not my nightmare that jarred me out of slumber, but Andre’s. He didn’t thrash about like I did, but he was trembling fiercely and mumbling, �
��No, I’m sorry. I can’t do it, I’m so sorry!” over and over again. His forehead was dotted with perspiration and the sheet was clenched so tight in his fists that the veins in his forearms bulged.
“Andre,” I whispered. “Andre, wake up, you’re dreaming.” I shook his arm gently and he bolted upright, gasping as he yelled out my name. “I’m right here,” I assured him and rubbed his back in a soothing motion. His breathing eventually slowed and I felt the muscles in his shoulders relax slightly. “I’m right here.”
He turned slowly and looked at me with glassy eyes. I wasn’t sure if he was fully awake, but he had calmed completely. I guided him back down and wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in the crook of his neck. He brought his arms back around me and rested his head on mine.
“Lucy,” he mumbled into my hair.
“Mphf?”
“I love you so much.”
I paused, wondering if I had heard correctly. I knew Andre cared about me, but we had yet to progress to the L-word before he left. I lifted my head.
“Did you just…” I sighed.
He was already asleep and snoring lightly.
Chapter 15
Getting into my disguise was a three-hour ordeal. I kept glancing down at my now hairy and muscular arms, which caused Tanya to chastise me several times while attempting to glue pieces of stubble-covered rubber to my face. Sitting still always seems so easy until I had to do it for hours at a time and my butt had gone numb a while ago. Granted, that was in part because of the hip constricting hose I was squeezed into. Apparently, even at my thinnest, I had a big butt.
“Okay,” Tanya said with a smug look of satisfaction, “you can look now.”
I stood gingerly, hobbled over to the full-length mirror, and gasped. Even though we had done a practice run, it was still weird seeing someone who wasn’t me staring back. I could have been Miles’ brother. My hair had been braided into tight cornrows and pulled back into a low ponytail, which accentuated a fuller face with a square jawline and a thick neck. I had deliberate five o’clock shadow and a pencil-thin mustache that gave my now masculine face a dangerous edge. Through the magic of prosthetics, and a lot of bandaging, I was given a physique that was not quite body builder, but still in the realm of scary. The simple black tee, jeans, and jungle boots tied it all together into one deadly package.
The Eyes of the Sun: The Complete Trilogy Page 45
