Shit. I think I might’ve messed up on that one. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I thought I told you about it a while ago.”
She shakes her head, not looking at me but up at the tent roof. “Well, you didn’t.” She pauses, and I can feel that she’s struggling to breathe. “So you’re going in August?”
“Yeah…” I’m not sure what to do to make her feel better. I didn’t mean to not tell her. Sometimes I just sort of fuck up, forgetting that I can’t just do things based upon what I want—that I’m in a relationship now. “I’m only going to be gone for a few days. I promise.”
“Okay.” It’s all she says, which makes the situation way worse, because she’s obviously bothered by this. But I wonder if it’s just because I didn’t tell her about it or because I’m going alone. Or maybe it’s something else entirely—she’s been upset a lot lately. “Lila, I can tell something’s bugging you, so will you please just talk to me?” I skim my finger across her cheekbone, causing her to shudder. “You seem upset and if you’d just tell me why, maybe I could help.”
“I’m fine… I promise.” She closes her eyes and inhales deeply and I think she’s on the verge of crying.
“I wish you’d just talk to me more about stuff,” I say quietly, not just hoping she’ll tell me what’s bothering her now but hoping she’ll finally break and spill what’s been putting her in a downer mood for the last couple of weeks as well. “You usually do.”
But she stays silent and I let her play with my hair for a few more moments before I carefully slip out of her and roll onto my back. She follows me, hitching her leg over my stomach; then she traces a circular pattern across my sweaty chest.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so cranky,” she whispers in a choked voice. “My head’s just been in a really weird place. And I don’t care if you go see your mom on her birthday—you should.”
“It’s okay to be cranky sometimes,” I reply, wrapping my arm around her and pulling her closer to me. “But you should really just talk to me and let me help make you feel better. No matter what’s bugging you, I’m here for you.”
She shakes her head and nuzzles her face against my chest. “I don’t want to talk about it tonight, but maybe tomorrow.” She sounds so sad and it hurts, not knowing what’s causing it. If it’s something because of me.
Whatever’s bothering her—and has been bothering her—she doesn’t want to tell me, and even though Lila has opened up to me about a lot of things, I still know from past experience that she can keep a secret like no one else. All those years of popping pills and no one ever knew.
Minutes later she falls asleep in my arms and I stroke my finger up and down her back, listening to the quiet around us that only being in the mountains can bring, attempting to sort through my thoughts.
She’s been really up and down since Chicago, ever since we went to visit Ella and Micha a couple of weeks ago. I’m not exactly sure why, but I think it might have to do with the fact that she wants to get married, something that was brought up during Ella and Micha’s wedding last Christmas. Yeah, I knew Lila had certain things she wanted out of life, but I hadn’t really thought she’d need to say “I do” one day, until she started rambling about it while she was helping Ella plan things for the wedding. For a week straight, it’s all I heard about—that and babies, since Ella’s sister-in-law was pregnant. I tried to shrug and nod whenever she brought it up, and it seemed to be working for me, until she flat out asked me for a response.
“Where do you see us in five years?” she’d asked while we were tying bows at Micha’s mom’s kitchen table.
I’d glanced up from the bow I was tying, a little startled by her question. “Huh?”
Lila peered up at me with her beautiful blue eyes. “You and I as a couple. Do you think we’ll still be together in five years?”
“I’m not sure…” I’d squirmed uncomfortably in the chair. “I mean, we’ve only been dating for like a month.”
“Dating, yeah,” she said. “But we’ve been friends for longer and Ella and Micha were friends first, which makes the fact that they’re getting married so young understandable, at least from my point of view.”
I finished tying the bow before I spoke again, deciding just to be honest with her. “Honestly, Lila, I don’t think I can ever see myself getting married… if that’s what you’re getting at.” I wasn’t sure it was. She was utterly confusing me.
She shrugged, reaching for a roll of ribbon. “I wasn’t getting at anything. Just wondering, since you seem so against marriage.” She swallowed hard, looking upset. “Glad to know where you stand.”
I sighed as she pushed her chair away from the table and got to her feet. “Lila, I—”
She’d held up her hand, silencing me. “I wasn’t expecting a proposal anytime in the near future, but the fact that you can never see yourself getting married sucks.” Then she’d left the room and I felt like the biggest asshole.
Still do.
But I can’t help how I feel. Or how I think I feel. I’m honestly unsure of what I want or how I can figure it out, since I hate figuring heavy stuff out. I don’t like complications and weddings and marriage, and forevers are more than complicated, at least from what I’ve seen. My parents’ marriage was full of fighting and abuse and that’s the last thing I want. Plus, making things really complicated means there’s a chance they could fall apart and then I’d be left dealing with the outcome. I had a girlfriend, London, who I thought I loved—although now that I’m in love with Lila, I’m not so sure I was really in love with London—and then she fell out a window and got amnesia and everything I had with her was lost. It was really hard to get over. If something like that happened with Lila and me… if I lost her in any way… I’m not sure I could ever get over it.
There are so many reasons why marriage and a future scare the shit out of me and I don’t think can’t picture myself doing it. I really can’t.
Lila eventually let the marriage thing go, obviously, since she’s here with me seven months later, but I can tell whenever the future comes up that she’s waiting for me to tell her what I want, but I still don’t have an answer to give her. I want her. That much I know. She’s amazing and smart and brave. She’s more beautiful than she realizes and even though I hate to admit it, I love giving in to her and letting her have her way… most of the time anyway.
But I’ve planned on living my life carefree and doing whatever I want, whenever I feel like it, like I am now without worrying about other stuff. And if five years down the road, I want to get up one day and take off in my truck and just drive off into the unknown by myself, I still want to be able to do it without hurting anyone or worrying about what will happen to those around me—worrying about life. That I might be breaking someone. Or that I won’t be able to because of my own feelings and attachments to certain things. But if I’m married, then that means I’ll have a wife to think about, a steady job, a house, and one day maybe even kids. God… I’m not sure how I feel about that.
The only thing I am sure about is that I never, ever want to lose Lila. She’s the only girl who’s ever made me feel like a relationship is worth the risk. And she’s not even just my girlfriend. She’s my best friend. The only person I’ve ever felt comfortable enough with to talk openly to. I tell her as much personal stuff as I tell my journal. But if we don’t want the same things, I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to hold on to her.
Chapter 2
Lila
It’s our last day here—on the road together—and I’m both sad for it to end and kind of glad to be going back so I can take a real shower and eat food that doesn’t come in a can. I’m trying to keep as upbeat as I can even after my little meltdown last night. I didn’t really mean to almost cry last night in the tent, but then he started talking about how he was going up to Star Grove for his mom’s birthday. He never told me he was, which stung a little. But the worst part is that he didn’t even invite me to go with him. I don’t think he’s doi
ng it on purpose. I just think that he’s not really thinking about the future as an us yet. It painfully reminded me even more that I have no idea where we’re going to end up—if I’ll ever visit his parents’ with him. And what added more heartache to the situation was having him near me, touching me like he does. It sets off how much I want things to always be this way.
Forever and always. Just him and I.
I just wish he felt the same way, but I’m starting to wonder more and more if he doesn’t.
Still, I pull myself together and manage to make it through breakfast smiling. The only time I let my mood drop is when it’s time to get cleaned up, but that’s for an entirely different reason. No matter what section of the country we’re in, all places share one thing in common. The streams and ponds are freezing. Taking a bath outside and actually staying in long enough to get clean is a challenge. It takes a lot of mental preparation. As I strip off my clothing and stare at the translucent water rolling over the rocks in front of me, I shiver, even though the sun is beating down my bare body.
It’s an amazing sight, really. The small pond is tucked between rocks and trees, the water a clear blue, and there’s this little waterfall toward the back. But I know from experience that the beauty of it is going to be lost the moment I step in and I start to freeze.
“You know, you were sexy as hell before,” Ethan says from behind me. “But that tattoo makes you look so goddamn gorgeous.”
I smile to myself, remembering how I’d finally decided to get a tattoo right before we left for this road trip. It took me a while to figure out what I wanted, but then decided on a sparrow when I found out it meant freedom. It seems fitting since I’ve never felt freer in my life. Per Ethan’s suggestion, I got it right between my shoulder blades. It hurt, but it was totally worth it because with each prick of the needle, I felt freer and freer from my dark past and my parents’ control.
I am free now.
“You know, if you want, you can just stand there all day,” Ethan adds, and I can hear the soft sound of his footsteps inching closer to me. “You make the view a hell of a lot better.”
I look over my shoulder at him, giving him a dark, playful look. “What if some hikers came up here and saw me naked? Would you still want me to stand here naked?”
He’s standing not too far off behind me near the tree line, wearing a dark green shirt with a faded logo, cargo shorts, and boots that are untied. He’s also got his journal in his hands. “That depends,” he says, taking a step forward, his intent gaze making me feel like I’m sweltering.
“On what?” I’m breathless just from the way he’s looking at me.
He cocks his head to the side, a grin gradually rising on his face as he leisurely scrolls over my body. “On if the hikers are guys or women. If it’s a bunch of women, then I’d tell them to go ahead and enjoy the view.” His grin broadens as I roll my eyes.
“You’re such a pervert,” I say, crossing my hands over my chest.
He reaches me, assessing me, and the desire in his eyes makes me shiver. “You like that I am—it totally turns you on when I say dirty things to you.”
“It does not,” I lie, biting back a smile.
He arches his brow. “If that’s not true, then why are your nipples all perky?” He reaches out and pinches one of them softly, causing me to shudder, and a small gasp escapes my lips.
“You want to get in with me?” I ask as he cups my breast and leans in to suck on my neck. Please, get in with me. Oh my God, please…
He kisses me until I become breathless and then moves back with a glazed look in his eyes. “Maybe in a bit.” He’s totally enjoying the fact that he’s making me all hot and bothered. “I’m just going to watch you while I write for a while.”
I frown, a little disappointed as I back toward the water. “You’re such a tease.”
Pleased with himself, he heads over to one of the large rocks next to the stream that pools into the pond and climbs up on it. When he gets to the top, he sits down and situates the journal on his lap. Then he takes a pen out of his pocket, bites off the cap, and presses the tip of it to the paper as he watches me with an I’m waiting for you to get into the water so I can watch you wet and naked look.
Sighing, I approach the edge of the stream, where the water meets the dirt. Mud oozes through my toes and rocks scrape at my bare feet as I dip my toe into the water. My body instantly jolts from the chill as I take a deep breath and wade in, squealing and sucking in huge lungfuls of air. When I reach the middle, where the water goes up to my waist, I turn around and find Ethan laughing at me.
“A little cold?” he asks through his laughter.
I shake my head, then decide the best way to get even is to torture him, so even though it’s not comfortable to do in cold water, I dip my head back into the water, arch my back, and stick my chest up in the air. As the water soaks my hair, it gives me a brain freeze, like I’ve just guzzled down an ICEE, but it’s worth it when I stand back up to see Ethan looks a little flustered.
I smile to myself and then turn around and plunge under, letting the water wash over my body, so cold not a single bad thought can form in my head. Moments later, I hear a soft thud from behind me. When I turn around, Ethan has hopped off the rock and is peeling off his shirt. Without taking his shorts off, he walks into the water, wincing from the cold as it reaches his waist.
“What are you doing?” I ask as he wades toward me. “I thought you were just going to watch and write for a while.”
He doesn’t speak, just shakes his head. His eyes are locked on mine and full of desire as he moves toward me. When he reaches me, he gives no warning, crashing his lips against mine and scooping me up in his arms. The sun hits my skin as I’m picked up out of the water and my legs fasten around his waist. He holds onto me with one hand as he feels my side and skims my breast with his other hand, kissing me until I can’t breathe. I clutch him as his fingers drift from my side, to my hip, to my thigh. Then bracing me in one arm, he slips a finger deep inside me.
I gasp as I tangle my fingers through his hair and desperately try to grasp on to him. One of my legs slides back down into the water and I stand on my tiptoes, clutching onto his shoulders, with my other leg hitched around his hip. His fingers move inside me, driving me to the edge as he buries his head into the crook of my neck, his warm breath caressing my chilly skin. I groan. I plead. I beg for more and he gives it to me, slipping another finger into me, and I move my hips with his rhythm until he pushes me over the edge. I forget about everything. Nothing exists at this moment except for him and I and the connection we’ve shared since the moment we met over two years ago.
It’s perfect until he pulls his fingers out of me and leans back a little, letting my other leg slide down back into the water. Then I just feel cold again.
“I couldn’t resist,” he says, tucking a strand of my wet hair behind my ear. “You looked too tempting not to touch… God, I have such a hard time keeping my hands off you.”
“But what about you?” I say, putting my hand on his lean chest.
“You can pay me back later,” he says with a wink and a grin.
I smile and then he kisses me before backing away to the shore, his shorts soaking wet and hanging at his hips. Beads of water drip down his chest and tattooed side as he makes his way back to the rocks, smiling at me like he’s so happy. Just like I should be. And I am. But every perfect moment could be our last one together and that makes me sad.
After he climbs back up on the rocks, I start scrubbing my body down with water, while Ethan starts to write. I finish up quickly, then wade back to the shore and out of the water. The frigid air hits my body like a wall of snow and I scurry for the towel I hung up on a tree branch. I wrap it around me and wring my hair out before heading over to Ethan. He still has his shirt off, his wet shorts drying in the sunlight peeking through the tree branches above him. He’s got his head tipped down, his black hair falling into his eyes as he jots down words, l
osing touch with reality like he always does whenever he writes. I climb onto the rock beside him and sit down next to him, leaning over my shoulder to get a peek at what he’s writing, even though he never wants me to see.
“What are you writing about today?” I ask, and he jumps, like he didn’t even realize I was up here.
He hurries to finish what he’s writing and closes the journal. “Nothing important,” he says. “I was just thinking about stuff.… About going back home… returning to the city and life…” He gazes out at the pine trees to the side of us, looking really sad and lost. “We should probably get going if we want to make it back and have a little time to relax before we go back to normal life.”
“Are you sure you want to go back?” I ask, leaning back to look him in the eyes. “You seem so sad about it.”
He shrugs and when he meets my gaze, I can see his sadness deepen. “We kind of have to, don’t we?”
“Unless we want to lose our jobs,” I reply sadly, because even though I can’t wait to get back and take a real shower, I’ll also really miss my time alone with him. “I mean, Denny was understanding and everything, but he’s going to flip if I call him up and ask him for more time off.” I actually lucked out with Denny, my boss at this restaurant where I waitress. When I told him my plans for this road trip, he understood and said something about only being young once. He’s having his niece fill in for me while I’m gone and promised me I’d still have my job when I get back, but I doubt that’d be the case if I stayed away too much longer.
“Yeah, I’m supposed to start work on that house being built up on Maple Street in a week.” He sighs heavy heartedly. “I guess it’s time to return to the real world.” He pauses, assessing me. “Although…” He trails off, cracking the tiniest smile.
“What?” I ask as he stares at me with this strange look on his face. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
He shrugs, his smile expanding. “Because I was thinking about taking another route back home.”
Lila and Ethan: Forever and Always: A Short Story Page 2
