He said nothing further as to Simon Fuge. Apparently he had forgotten the decease.
‘Do you often see the Gazette?’ I asked, perhaps in the hope of attracting him back to Fuge.
‘No,’ he said; ‘the musical criticism is too rotten.’
Involuntarily I bridled. It was startling, and it was not agreeable, to have one’s favourite organ so abruptly condemned by a provincial architect in knickerbockers and a cap, in the midst of all that industrial ugliness. What could the Five Towns know about art? Yet here was this fellow condemning the Gazette on artistic grounds. I offered no defence, because he was right—again. But I did not like it.
‘Do you ever see the Manchester Guardian?’ he questioned, carrying the war into my camp.
‘No,’ I said.
‘Pity!’ he ejaculated.
‘I’ve often heard that it’s a very good paper,’ I said politely.
‘It isn’t a very good paper,’ he laid me low. ‘It’s the best paper in the world. Try it for a month—it gets to Euston at half-past eight—and then tell me what you think.’
I saw that I must pull myself together. I had glided into the Five Towns in a mood of gentle, wise condescension. I saw that it would be as well, for my own honour and safety, to put on another mood as quickly as possible, otherwise I might be left for dead on the field. Certainly the fellow was provincial, curt, even brutal in his despisal of diplomacy. Certainly he exaggerated the importance of cigarettes in the great secular scheme of evolution. But he was a man; he was a very tonic dose. I thought it would be safer to assume that he knew everything, and that the British Museum knew very little. Yet at the British Museum he had been quite different, quite deferential and rather timid. Still, I liked him. I liked his eyes.
The train stopped at an incredible station situated in the centre of a rolling desert whose surface consisted of broken pots and cinders. I expect no one to believe this.
‘Here we are,’ said he blithely. ‘No, give me the bag. Porter!’
His summons to the solitary porter was like a clap of thunder.
III
He lived in a low, blackish-crimson heavy-browed house at the corner of a street along which electric cars were continually thundering. There was a thin cream of mud on the pavements and about two inches of mud in the roadway, rich, nourishing mud like Indian ink half-mixed. The prospect of carrying a pound or so of that unique mud into a civilized house affrighted me, but Mr Brindley opened his door with his latchkey and entered the abode as unconcernedly as if some fair repentent had cleansed his feet with her tresses.
‘Don’t worry too much about the dirt,’ he said. ‘You’re in Bursley.’
The house seemed much larger inside than out. A gas-jet burnt in the hall, and sombre portieres gave large mysterious hints of rooms. I could hear, in the distance, the noise of frizzling over a fire, and of a child crying. Then a tall, straight, wellmade, energetic woman appeared like a conjuring trick from behind a portiere.
‘How do you do, Mr Loring?’ she greeted me, smiling. ‘So glad to meet you.’
‘My wife,’ Mr Brindley explained gravely.
‘Now, I may as well tell you now, Bob,’ said she, still smiling at me. ‘Bobbie’s got a sore throat and it may be mumps; the chimney’s been on fire and we’re going to be summoned; and you owe me sixpence.’
‘Why do I owe you sixpence?’
‘Because Annie’s had her baby and it’s a girl.’
‘That’s all right. Supper ready?’
‘Supper is waiting for you.’
She laughed. ‘Whenever I have anything to tell my husband, I always tell him at ONCE!’ she said. ‘No matter who’s there.’ She pronounced ‘once’ with a wholehearted enthusiasm for its vowel sound that I have never heard equalled elsewhere, and also with a very magnified ‘w’ at the beginning of it. Often when I hear the word ‘once’ pronounced in less downright parts of the world, I remember how they pronounce it in the Five Towns, and there rises up before me a complete picture of the district, its atmosphere, its spirit.
Mr Brindley led me to a large bathroom that had a faint odour of warm linen. In addition to a lot of assorted white babyclothes there were millions of towels in that bathroom. He turned on a tap and the place was instantly full of steam from a jet of boiling water.
‘Now, then,’ he said, ‘you can start.’
As he showed no intention of leaving me, I did start. ‘Mind you don’t scald yourself,’ he warned me, ‘that water’s HOT.’ While I was washing, he prepared to wash. I suddenly felt as if I had been intimate with him and his wife for about ten years.
‘So this is Bursley!’ I murmured, taking my mouth out of a towel.
‘Bosley, we call it,’ he said. ‘Do you know the limerick—”There was a young woman of Bosley”?’
‘No.’
He intoned the local limerick. It was excellently good; not meet for a mixed company, but a genuine delight to the true amateur. One good limerick deserves another. It happened that I knew a number of the unprinted Rossetti limericks, precious things, not at all easy to get at. I detailed them to Mr Brindley, and I do not exaggerate when I say that I impressed him. I recovered all the ground I had lost upon cigarettes and newspapers. He appreciated those limericks with a juster taste than I should have expected. So, afterwards, did his friends. My belief is that I am to this day known and revered in Bursley, not as Loring the porcelain expert from the British Museum, but as the man who first, as it were, brought the good news of the Rossetti limericks from Ghent to Aix.
‘Now, Bob,’ an amicable voice shrieked femininely up from the ground-floor, ‘am I to send the soup to the bathroom or are you coming down?’
A limerick will make a man forget even his dinner.
Mr Brindley performed once more with his eyes that something that was, not a wink, but a wink unutterably refined and spiritualized. This time I comprehended its import. Its import was to the effect that women are women.
We descended, Mr Brindley still in his knickerbockers.
‘This way,’ he said, drawing aside a portiere. Mrs Brindley, as we entered the room, was trotting a male infant round and round a table charged with everything digestible and indigestible. She handed the child, who was in its nightdress, to a maid.
‘Say good night to father.’
‘Good ni’, faver,’ the interesting creature piped.
‘By-bye, sonny,’ said the father, stooping to tickle. ‘I suppose,’ he added, when maid and infant had gone, ‘if one’s going to have mumps, they may as well all have it together.’
‘Oh, of course,’ the mother agreed cheerfully. ‘I shall stick them all into a room.’
‘How many children have you?’ I inquired with polite curiosity.
‘Three,’ she said; ‘that’s the eldest that you’ve seen.’
What chiefly struck me about Mrs Brindley was her serene air of capableness, of having a self-confidence which experience had richly justified. I could see that she must be an extremely sensible mother. And yet she had quite another aspect too—how shall I explain it?—as though she had only had children in her spare time.
We sat down. The room was lighted by four candles, on the table. I am rather short-sighted, and so I did not immediately notice that there were low bookcases all round the walls. Why the presence of these bookcases should have caused me a certain astonishment I do not know, but it did. I thought of Knype station, and the scenery, and then the other little station, and the desert of pots and cinders, and the mud in the road and on the pavement and in the hall, and the baby-linen in the bathroom, and three children all down with mumps, and Mr Brindley’s cap and knickerbockers and cigarettes; and somehow the books—I soon saw there were at least a thousand of them, and not circulating-library books, either, but BOOKS—well, they administered a little shock to me.
To Mr Brindley’s right hand was a bottle of Bass and a corkscrew.
‘Beer!’ he exclaimed, with solemn ecstasy, with an ecstasy
gross and luscious. And, drawing the cork, he poured out a glass, with fine skill in the management of froth, and pushed it towards me.
‘No, thanks,’ I said.
‘No beer!’ he murmured, with benevolent, puzzled disdain. ‘Whisky?’
‘No, thanks,’ I said. ‘Water.’
‘I know what Mr Loring would like,’ said Mrs Brindley, jumping up. ‘I KNOW what Mr Loring would like.’ She opened a cupboard and came back to the table with a bottle, which she planted in front of me. ‘Wouldn’t you, Mr Loring?’
It was a bottle of mercurey, a wine which has given me many dreadful dawns, but which I have never known how to refuse.
‘I should,’ I admitted; ‘but it’s very bad for me.’
‘Nonsense!’ said she. She looked at her husband in triumph.
‘Beer!’ repeated Mr Brindley with undiminished ecstasy, and drank about two-thirds of a glass at one try. Then he wiped the froth from his moustache. ‘Ah!’ he breathed low and soft. ‘Beer!’
They called the meal supper. The term is inadequate. No term that I can think of would be adequate. Of its kind the thing was perfect. Mrs Brindley knew that it was perfect. Mr Brindley also knew that it was perfect. There were prawns in aspic. I don’t know why I should single out that dish, except that it seemed strange to me to have crossed the desert of pots and cinders in order to encounter prawns in aspic. Mr Brindley ate more cold roast beef than I had ever seen any man eat before, and more pickled walnuts. It is true that the cold roast beef transcended all the cold roast beef of my experience. Mrs Brindley regaled herself largely on trifle, which Mr Brindley would not approach, preferring a most glorious Stilton cheese. I lost touch, temporarily, with the intellectual life. It was Mr Brindley who recalled me to it.
‘Jane,’ he said. (This was at the beef and pickles stage.)
No answer.
‘Jane!’
Mrs Brindley turned to me. ‘My name is not Jane,’ she said, laughing, and making a moue simultaneously. ‘He only calls me that to annoy me. I told him I wouldn’t answer to it, and I won’t. He thinks I shall give in because we’ve got “company”! But I won’t treat you as “company”, Mr Loring, and I shall expect you to take my side. What dreadful weather we’re having, aren’t we?’
‘Dreadful!’ I joined in the game.
‘Jane!’
‘Did you have a comfortable journey down?’
‘Yes, thank you.’
‘Well, then, Mary!’ Mr Brindley yielded.
‘Thank you very much, Mr Loring, for your kind assistance,’ said his wife. ‘Yes, dearest?’
Mr Brindley glanced at me over his second glass of beer.
‘If those confounded kids are going to have mumps,’ he addressed his words apparently into the interior of the glass, ‘it probably means the doctor, and the doctor means money, and I shan’t be able to afford the Hortulus Animoe.’
I opened my ears.
‘My husband goes stark staring mad sometimes,’ said Mrs Brindley to me. ‘It lasts for a week or so, and pretty nearly lands us in the workhouse. This time it’s the Hortulus Animoe. Do you know what it is? I don’t.’
‘No,’ I said, and the prestige of the British Museum trembled. Then I had a vague recollection. ‘There’s an illuminated manuscript of that name in the Imperial Library of Vienna, isn’t there?’
‘You’ve got it in one,’ said Mr Brindley. ‘Wife, pass those walnuts.’
‘You aren’t by any chance buying it?’ I laughed.
‘No,’ he said. ‘A Johnny at Utrecht is issuing a facsimile of it, with all the hundred odd miniatures in colour. It will be the finest thing in reproduction ever done. Only seventy-five copies for England.’
‘How much?’ I asked.
‘Well,’ said he, with a preliminary look at his wife,’thirty-three pounds.’
‘Thirty-three POUNDS!’ she screamed. ‘You never told me.’
‘My wife never will understand,’ said Mr Brindley, ‘that complete confidence between two human beings is impossible.’
‘I shall go out as a milliner, that’s all,’ Mrs Brindley returned. ‘Remember, the Dictionary of National Biography isn’t paid for yet.’
‘I’m glad I forgot that, otherwise I shouldn’t have ordered the Hortulus.’
‘You’ve not ORDERED it?’
‘Yes, I have. It’ll be here tomorrow—at least the first part will.’
Mrs Brindley affected to fall back dying in her chair.
‘Quite mad!’ she complained to me. ‘Quite mad. It’s a hopeless case.’
But obviously she was very proud of the incurable lunatic.
‘But you’re a book-collector!’ I exclaimed, so struck by these feats of extravagance in a modest house that I did not conceal my amazement.
‘Did you think I collected postage-stamps?’ the husband retorted. ‘No, I‘m not a book-collector, but our doctor is. He has a few books, if you like. Still, I wouldn’t swop him; he’s much too fond of fashionable novels.’
‘You know you’re always up his place,’ said the wife; ‘and I wonder what I should do if it wasn’t for the doctor’s novels!’ The doctor was evidently a favourite of hers.
‘I’m not always up at his place,’ the husband contradicted. ‘You know perfectly well I never go there before midnight. And HE knows perfectly well that I only go because he has the best whisky in the town. By the way, I wonder whether he knows that Simon Fuge is dead. He’s got one of his etchings. I’ll go up.’
‘Who’s Simon Fuge?’ asked Mrs Brindley.
‘Don’t you remember old Fuge that kept the Blue Bell at Cauldon?’
‘What? Simple Simon?’
‘Yes. Well, his son.’
‘Oh! I remember. He ran away from home once, didn’t he, and his mother had a port-wine stain on her left cheek? Oh, of course. I remember him perfectly. He came down to the Five Towns some years ago for his aunt’s funeral. So he’s dead. Who told you?’
‘Mr Loring.’
‘Did you know him?’ she glanced at me.
‘I scarcely knew him,’ said I. ‘I saw it in the paper.’
‘What, the Signal?’
‘The Signal’s the local rag,’ Mr Brindley interpolated. ‘No. It’s in the Gazette.’
‘The Birmingham Gazette?’
‘No, bright creature—the Gazette,’ said Mr Brindley.
‘Oh!’ She seemed puzzled.
‘Didn’t you know he was a painter?’ the husband condescendingly catechized.
‘I knew he used to teach at the Hanbridge School of Art,’ said Mrs Brindley stoutly. ‘Mother wouldn’t let me go there because of that. Then he got the sack.’
‘Poor defenceless thing! How old were you?’
‘Seventeen, I expect.’
‘I’m much obliged to your mother.’
‘Where did he die?’ Mrs Brindley demanded.
‘At San Remo,’ I answered. ‘Seems queer him dying at San Remo in September, doesn’t it?’
‘Why?’
‘San Remo is a winter place. No one ever goes there before December.’
‘Oh, is it?’ the lady murmured negligently. ‘Then that would be just like Simon Fuge. I was never afraid of him,’ she added, in a defiant tone, and with a delicious inconsequence that choked her husband in the midst of a draught of beer.
‘You can laugh,’ she said sturdily.
At that moment there was heard a series of loud explosive sounds in the street. They continued for a few seconds apparently just outside the dining-room window. Then they stopped, and the noise of the bumping electric cars resumed its sway over the ear.
‘That’s Oliver!’ said Mr Brindley, looking at his watch. ‘He must have come from Manchester in an hour and a half. He’s a terror.’
‘Glass! Quick!’ Mrs Brindley exclaimed. She sprang to the sideboard, and seized a tumbler, which Mr Brindley filled from a second bottle of Bass. When the door of the room opened she was standing close to it, laughing, with the fu
ll, frothing glass in her hand.
A tall, thin man, rather younger than Mr Brindley and his wife, entered. He wore a long dust-coat and leggings, and he carried a motorist’s cap in a great hand. No one spoke; but little puffs of laughter escaped all Mrs Brindley’s efforts to imprison her mirth. Then the visitor took the glass with a magnificent broad smile, and said, in a rich and heavy Midland voice—
‘Here’s to moy wife’s husband!’
And drained the nectar.
‘Feel better now, don’t you?’ Mrs Brindley inquired.
‘Aye, Mrs Bob, I do!’ was the reply. ‘How do, Bob?’
‘How do?’ responded my host laconically. And then with gravity: ‘Mr Loring—Mr Oliver Colclough—thinks he knows something about music.’
‘Glad to meet you, sir,’ said Mr Colclough, shaking hands with me. He had a most attractively candid smile, but he was so long and lanky that he seemed to pervade the room like an omnipresence.
‘Sit down and have a bit of cheese, Oliver,’ said Mrs Brindley, as she herself sat down.
‘No, thanks, Mrs Bob. I must be getting towards home.’
He leaned on her chair.
‘Trifle, then?’
‘No, thanks.’
‘Machine going all right?’
‘Like oil. Never stopped th’ engine once.’
‘Did you get the Sinfonia Domestica, Ol?’ Mr Brindley inquired.
‘Didn’t I say as I should get it, Bob?’
‘You SAID you would.’
‘Well, I’ve got it.’
‘In Manchester?’
‘Of course.’
Mr Brindley’s face shone with desire and Mr Oliver Colclough’s face shone with triumph.
‘Where is it?’
‘In the hall.’
‘My hall?’
‘Aye!’
‘We’ll play it, Ol.’
‘No, really, Bob! I can’t stop now. I promised the wife—’
‘We’ll PLAY it, Ol! You’d no business to make promises. Besides, suppose you’d had a puncture!’
‘I expect you’ve heard Strauss’s Sinfonia Domestica, Mr Loring, up in the village?’ Mr Colclough addressed me. He had surrendered to the stronger will.
‘In London?’ I said. ‘No. But I’ve heard of it.’
The Grim Smile of the Five Towns Page 15
