by Barbara Lohr
“You should wear your hair down more often.” His fingers played with her curls.
“Ah, my hair started in an updo.”
“Changes are good.”
“Most of them.” They kept dancing.
“You love all of this, don’t you? This week, I mean.” Angling back, he studied her face.
“Always wish I could do more.” She glanced over at Ana Lena.
“Right. I know what you mean.”
But right now, she wanted to think only of him. McKenna's arms twined around his neck and she pressed shamelessly against him in the darkness. The flares threw deep, friendly shadows. The unmistakable press of his erection made her crazy. If she weren’t careful, she might start to grind against him and wouldn’t that be embarrassing?
Finally, with an exasperated groan Logan took her hand and gently pulled her toward the road back to the village.
She balked. “What will everyone think?”
“Do we care? They’ve had us all week.” Logan dropped a kiss on her forehead. “Selena seems to have worked magic tonight.”
A red flag went up. “What kind of magic?”
His laugh was a confident chuckle. “Apparently Juan is spending the night in the church—and Selena tells me he's happy about it too.”
“So that leaves you alone?”
“Oh, I don't plan on being in the tent by myself.” His arm tightened around her shoulders.
Every nerve in her body tingled. But as they walked, Logan seemed pensive.
One of her sandals skidded on the loose rocks in the road but he caught her. “Whoa, steady.” Logan’s hands squeezed her elbows. Heads down, they kept walking.
“You're so quiet. What's on your mind?” she probed.
“The women and the children, especially Pepito. What lies ahead for that little guy?”
“To be loved by these villagers,” she offered, wishing it could be more.
His steps slowed and stopped. Turning, he took both of her hands. In the darkness, his eyes held a wet glimmer. “McKenna, I had a son.”
The blunt statement startled her. She reminded herself to breathe.
“Hardly lived when he died.” Logan's voice broke.
“Oh, Logan.” Her arms around his waist, she pressed a cheek to his thudding heart.
“And I blamed midwifery for it. Rebecca, my wife, believed in the process and labored way too long. I was taking my boards. She didn’t want to bother me. Bother me!”
A wind wailed high in the trees and a chill chased down McKenna’s spine.
“Pepito could have been my Ricky.” He began to walk again, as if he could outpace his words and she stumbled to keep up. “But my son died. The doctor told me the long labor wasn’t to blame, but I thought otherwise.”
They were at the hut. When he turned to face her, his eyes held a question. She cupped his face in her hands, his skin warming her palms. “I'm so sorry, Logan. So very sorry.”
Pressing his face into her hand, he kissed it. Heat coursed through her hand and into her core. “This week I could see that accidents aren't always caused by bacteria or bad judgment. There are a gazillion other factors. And like Pepito, it just happens. The parents do the best they can and go on…somehow.” A bleakness swept his features. To see this competent physician humbled like this tore something inside her.
“I wish life were a safe place, but frankly, it just isn't.” She thought of all the patients she’d seen that week and the problems that weren’t their fault.
“You've shown me that. You've been wonderful. But McKenna. I don’t know if I can ever do that again.”
Her mind blanked. “Do what?”
“The children thing. I have to be honest.” He dropped his hands.
Her mind clamored in protest, but she shut it down fast. This wasn’t the time to peel his words and consider consequences. Her body wanted only one thing tonight. Sometimes logic and reason had to take a backseat.
McKenna couldn’t see a thing when she nudged him into the hut. The smell of damp earth and burlap assailed her nostrils. From somewhere, he grabbed a high-beam flashlight and clicked it on. The light etched his face into angles that framed his burning eyes. Their kisses became a race against time. While she unbuttoned his shirt, he slid her native blouse over her head. She heard the sharp intake of breath when he saw her bra. “Black lace in the jungle?”
“A girl can hope.” Black lace doesn’t take up much room in a knapsack. His eyes told her it had not been foolish at all. She kicked off her sandals.
Thumbs hooked in the waistband of her jeans, he edged them down over her hip bones. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered.
Her hands found him and he groaned. “I think you’ve outgrown these jeans.” She popped the top button and the zipper rasped down. Stepping out of the pants, he kicked them aside. “These too.” She reached for the black jockey shorts.
Her body jerked when he took her face in his hands. “Thanks for bringing me here.”
She cupped his hands. “You wanted to come, right?”
“Of course. The week was life changing.”
Questions careened through her head, but when he bent to kiss her, all thoughts stopped. The two of them entered another world. The week had been so busy. In this hut, it came down to one man and one woman. She wanted nothing more.
McKenna had never needed a man like she needed Logan Castle. And she would have him.
He flicked off the light. Hands and lips found each other. Their bodies raged, slick and hot with uncontrollable need. When she kissed his chest, she thought her lips might sizzle.
“Oh, baby,” he managed as her tongue circled one nipple and then the other.
Stretching out on the cot, he tugged her down on top of him. Her hands tunneled through his hair, and she brought her mouth down hard. But she wanted more than a kiss. She wanted the taste of him. Sitting back on her heels, she explored his body, tasting the saltiness, grazing the wiry hair that patterned his chest. She gloried in his moans.
“Enough,” he finally said, gently easing her up.
“Not quite.” With a slow smile she sheathed him with her body. Oh, yes. This was Logan Castle and she loved him. The knowledge burned in her chest, banishing the truth he’d shared.
She didn’t want to know it. Not now.
“Ah, McKenna, McKenna,” he whispered. As she settled, his lips relaxed into a smile. His hands molded to her body, sliding over her ribs, the thumbs grazing the lower fullness of her breasts before his palms cupped them.
“So good,” she said.
Moving his hips, he swung her into a rhythm.
Angling her body back, she pressed onto him. “You…never cease…to amaze me.”
“Too much talking.” He closed his eyes, hands tight on her waist as he moved.
They couldn’t pace themselves. Not this first time. All too soon the end was within reach. She pressed toward it while Logan surged beneath her. The release rocked her to her core. He followed fast behind her with a deep shudder.
Never had it been like this for her. Never.
Her feelings filled her and spilled over. “Logan, I love you,” she murmured, collapsing over him. His body tightened, and she squeezed her eyes shut.
Damn. If only she could reel back those words.
Chapter 16
The trip home was blurred by fatigue, but McKenna couldn’t sleep. She was probably the only one of their group awake. Turbulence kept them snapped into seatbelts, and she felt every dip of the wings. Logan was wedged between the seat and the window, sound asleep. He hadn’t said much since she blurted out the L word the night before.
Her skin crawled, remembering.
Couldn’t the man say something...anything? That one word felt lodged between them. The rest of that long night? Her thighs still ached.
Darkness had fallen on Chicago when they touched down at Midway Airport. By that time McKenna had worked out an escape plan. While Logan was heaving his duffle from the o
verhead compartment, she scrambled down the aisle, streaked down the gangway and hightailed it toward baggage claim.
She’d been downright naive and stupid. When Logan finally shared the heart wrenching story about his infant son, McKenna decided all systems were go. She’d never been one to hold things in. Logan’s lack of response whipped her back to a similar proclamation of love with Nick. She’d had feelings for the guy. But McKenna always felt Nick’s eventual declaration of love had been pulled from him like a stubborn wine cork.
Now here she was, living all that again. She thought she’d gotten smarter. When she reached the baggage claim area, McKenna was panting. The carousel was still empty, but her mind wasn’t. Why had she opened her heart to Logan when obviously he didn’t feel the same? What seemed meaningful to her in the darkened hut may not have meant the same to him. Her head ached from overthinking this. Fatigue weighed on her while she waited at the baggage carousel.
Finally luggage spilled onto the conveyor belt. When she saw her bag, she leapt forward.
“Hey, where’d you go? I’ll get your that for you.” Logan came up behind her.
“No need.”
“Fine, I’m going to get a newspaper.” Logan wandered off.
Finally her black bag with the hot pink tag swung past. Lurching forward, McKenna hefted it off. From the corner of her eye, she saw Selena rushing to meet Seth. Her brother’s arms opened as he came through the rotating door.
That’s what McKenna wanted from a man. Open arms. Ready smile. An uncomplicated relationship.
She started to run. “I’m going to hitch a ride with Selena and Seth,” she called over her shoulder.
When Logan’s head jerked up from scanning the headlines, his stunned expression should have stopped her. But it didn’t.
“Selena, Seth, wait up!” Waving, she rushed toward the couple, the black duffle thumping against her leg.
“Hey, McKenna! Have a good trip?” Seth looped one arm around her.
“Can I get a ride?”
Seth squeezed her shoulder. “No problem, big sister.”
Ignoring Selena’s questioning look, McKenna pushed ahead of them. The Chicago summer heat felt dry, unlike the highlands. She’d come home. As she jammed her bag into Seth’s trunk, she definitely was not the person who’d left here a week earlier.
On the ride home, she sat silent in the back while Selena told Seth about the week. At one point, McKenna pressed one hand against her chest. Her heart felt shredded.
~.~
After a sleepless night, McKenna felt relieved to return to the hospital Monday morning. Bethany had held down the fort, despite the fact that two babies came early, bringing her total deliveries to four for that one week—a full schedule for a solo practitioner.
“Are you exhausted?” McKenna asked her after Bethany had brought her up to speed.
Eyes ringed with bluish-gray circles, she shot McKenna a smile. “Of course. To make matters worse, Sarah Bachman had a difficult time.”
“Tell me about it.” Sliding into her chair, McKenna pulled up Sarah’s chart while Bethany filled her in on the problem with Sarah’s blood pressure. The delivery had ended up in the OR.
McKenna looked up. “Did Gary take the call?”
Bethany shook her head. “No, Priscilla.”
McKenna stopped reading. “How’d that go?”
“Great. Priscilla handled it well. Sarah had the prettiest little girl. Amber Bachman came into the world a little early but beautiful.”
Back to Priscilla. “Well…does Priscilla follow the same protocols as Gary…or Logan?”
Tilting her head, Bethany appeared to be thinking back. “Smooth, professional. Very reassuring.” A huge yawn halted her recap just as Selena showed up.
“How did it go last week?” Selena clapped one hand on Bethany’s shoulder.
Bethany began her recap again while McKenna reviewed Sarah Bachman's chart. Priscilla’s detailed notes made Logan’s looked like a brief overview.
Bethany moved on and McKenna sat back. Her mind wandered from the data on the screen to that last night in Guatemala. Could their crazy lovemaking with Logan might be chalked up to that crazy drink or the romantic lighting from the torches. Whatever it was, it hadn’t followed them back to the states.
The week picked up speed and McKenna threw herself into work. The Foundation was in countdown mode leading up to the golf outing that would benefit the new OB projects. Jack Frazier had taken an active lead along with Dennis Heckman, chairman of the Foundation Board.
Their goal was rather modest but enough to seed the new unit. Warren had indicated that the Foundation was capable of supplying the rest of the funds, but board members did want to know the hospital community was behind it.
“We decided on a date for the Day in the LDRP,” Jack Frazier commented at their next meeting. Logan was conspicuously absent. He’d sent a short email and McKenna had taken over.
“The employee open house is going to be really exciting,” Priscilla said. “Jack has the most creative ideas. Can't wait to see how it all comes together.”
Oh, that cheery prattle might fool some. But McKenna had seen Priscilla's clinical notes. This was definitely not a frivolous woman. She felt embarrassed for ever thinking that. After the meeting wrapped up, McKenna walked out with Priscilla. “So you golf?”
“A little. Fourteen handicap,” Priscilla told her.
Fourteen? Pretty darn respectable. McKenna would have to spend some quality time with Vanessa on the golf course.
Although she got a quick glimpse of Logan in the hall midweek, she quickly made a detour to avoid him. Confusion roiled in her chest. By the end of the day, she felt both jetlagged and overcome. Dorothy had rescheduled a lot of their appointments from last week to this week. McKenna’s mind cranked slowly. To top it off, her phone was malfunctioning. Some of the mission group had this problem last year due to the change in humidity upon re-entering the states. Flipping to a temporary phone only added to the pressure. Dorothy forwarded her calls, but McKenna felt like she was always playing catch-up.
At the end of the week, McKenna sat slumped at her desk, going through the pile of mail Dorothy had slit and set neatly on her desk.
“Catching up?” Bethany stuck her head in the door.
McKenna nodded. “Probably take another week. By the way, how did the natural childbirth class go?”
“Nothing unusual. It's a good group.” Bethany slipped into the chair opposite the desk, folding one leg under her. “Angie really missed you.”
“Anything new with Angie?” Like a bruise?
“No, she's got a couple months to go, right?” Bethany rubbed the heel of one hand into her eyes. “Oh, and Cindy stopped by. Asked you to check with her when you got back.”
McKenna’s antennae shot up. After Bethany left, she grabbed her purse and her keys. In the outer office, Dorothy was getting ready to leave.
Selena's office light was still on, and she called out as McKenna passed, “Hey, not so fast.”
McKenna tried to edge away. “Gotta get to Cindy before she leaves.”
But Selena was hot on her trail. “Just one question. What was going on last Sunday night at the airport? You sprinted toward us like an assassin was on your trail.”
McKenna’s keys bit into the palm of her hand. “Just wanted to get home.”
“What about Logan?” Selena's eyes narrowed. “I saw the expression on his face.”
McKenna gnawed her lip. She didn’t want to sound paranoid but she'd made a mistake, one she wished she could retract.
“McKenna?” Selena persisted.
“I used the L word. Okay?” McKenna winced, remembering. “Heat of the moment and way too soon.”
Selena shook her head slowly. “I understand but you're not a girl who tosses it around.”
“Ah, I don’t think Logan thought so. Silence, Selena. The man never said a word.”
“Stop beating yourself up. Logan’s an internal
processor. Everybody knows that. He likes to think things through completely before speaking.”
“We have some major differences.”
Throwing her hands up, Selena said, “All couples do. Sometimes people can change. Don't be a piece of hard porcelain, McKenna. Be a piece of clay that can be molded.”
“I’m a girl who tends to break molds,” McKenna said on an exasperated sigh. “See you tomorrow.”
The walk over to the hospital cleared her head a little. But the pristine tiled floors, original art work and subdued overhead lighting made her think of the stark working conditions in Guatemala. They’d sweltered and the air-conditioned comfort at Montclair felt so wrong. And yet the patients in that Central American country remained so cheerful. Their gratitude kept them close to McKenna’s heart.
Despite that, heaviness continued to weigh on her. The sun was shining. She had a great career, family and friends. How could she make herself so miserable about Logan when she had so much? Sometimes her mind sorted through feelings way better than her heart.
When she got to Cindy’s office, the social worker was just leaving. “Hey, where's your tan?”
“Well, you know those cabanas,” McKenna shot back. “I spent most the time under a sun umbrella. Bethany said you wanted to see me. Something about Angie?”
“Walk with me. I’m on my way out.” Grabbing her briefcase, Cindy snapped off the lights and they headed for the elevator. “I wanted you to know she’s considering giving her baby up for adoption. She knows this isn’t the time for her to be raising a child. She wants to go to trade school. Said something about becoming a paralegal.”
“Sounds like a woman with a plan. Thanks for your help, Cindy.”
Cindy touched her arm. “No, thank you for identifying the problem. You always have a good eye.”
The social worker’s words stayed with McKenna as she drove home. Did her good eye apply to her personal life? Or was she blind when it came to Logan?
It wasn't until much later that evening when she was cleaning up the kitchen and giving Sasha a cat treat that it hit her. She’d been so caught up in her own misery about Logan that she wasn’t putting two and two together. Anyone could adopt Angie's baby. That's when she picked up her landline.
