He considered me in silence for a long time. ‘I’ve noticed he’s a mind of his own. You don’t give yourself much of a prognosis?’
‘If he loses his sight I don’t think there’ll be one. One can’t drag a man to the altar.’
He smiled very kindly. ‘I’m not sure I’d bet on that, Lesley. Not with you in the picture. All the same, even if I let you go along, I can’t insist he sees you. He may ask you to clear out at once.’
I shrugged. ‘One other chance I’ll have to take.’ I stood up, hoping my legs would support me. I could not be sure the way they felt. ‘May I?’
He rose slowly. ‘Mike said it might do him a power of good. God knows, a pre-op boost never yet hurt any patient of mine. Morale is a vital factor in surgery. I’m now inclined to agree with Mike, but I’ve still doubts that this’ll benefit you in the long run. That’s your affair, I suppose.’
‘Yes. Thanks, Joe.’
He said, ‘I haven’t played Cupid since that hospital show years back when you were in the theatre and scrounged the catgut to make my bow. Makes a change.’
I could willingly have kissed him, but he had opened the door and the Staff Nurse was there. He asked her to take me along to Paddy’s room.
Her eyes widened visibly. ‘May Mr Larraby now have visitors, Mr Evershed-Browne?’
He glanced at me. ‘That remains to be seen, Nurse.’
The ward was on the fourth floor. It consisted of rows of curtained cubicles and small rooms. All the cubicles and rooms lay off one side of a long corridor. The windows on the outside wall overlooked the Embankment.
The London sky was black and pink, the river was black and running softly, like oil, and the noise of the heavy traffic below rose to us. The scents of ether, iodoform, tar, and car exhaust brought back the past with increasing vividness. But never in my training years had I felt so hollow with apprehension, anxiety, and sheer nervousness.
The Staff Nurse stopped at a door. ‘Mr Larraby,’ she announced, opening it, ‘Mr Evershed-Browne has given your visitor permission to see you.’ She stepped aside to usher me in, smiled a little warily, and stepped out, closing the door, as if only too anxious to get away before the showdown.
He had been standing at his window with his back to the door. He swung round, frowning. When he saw me his expression froze.
‘Well, now, and shouldn’t I have guessed it would be you? How did you get here, angel? Wings? Or a broomstick?’
I smiled stiffly. ‘Train and taxi.’
‘You could have fooled me.’ He did not move from the window. He went on gazing at me dispassionately, as if we were total strangers.
I had to say something. ‘Joe E. ‒ that is ‒ Evershed-Browne ‒ is an old pal of mine. I hope you don’t mind my asking him if I could come?’
‘Not at all. Haven’t I always said rules were made to be broken, and if I haven’t I should have, since that kind of corn is my line. Very good of you to bother.’ His tone belied his words. ‘What are you doing in London? Christmas shopping.’
‘No. I didn’t have much time. I came up on the noon fast.’
He looked at me, nodded grimly as if at his own thoughts, heaved forward the one armchair from the corner by the window.
‘Will you now sit down and tell me just what in hell made you take that train?’
‘I ‒ I wanted to see you.’
‘I’m obliged. But just how,’ he demanded abruptly, ‘did you know I was here? Because I mentioned Evershed-Browne, fool that I was?’
This was hardly forthcoming. ‘Not that. I knew him as Joe E. Browne.’
‘Michael?’
Mike had told me to answer that inevitable question with the truth. ‘Yes.’
His lips set in a thin line. He crossed the room, sat on the hard chair against the opposite wall. ‘I’ll talk to him later. And Evershed-Whatsit. They’ll keep. This won’t. Why the devil should you come to see me?’
I longed to explain. I seemed to have been explaining to men all day. I could not do it with the one man that mattered. Not with him looking at me like that. ‘I’ve told you ‒’
‘That you wanted to see me! And I’m bloody touched, angel. Or rather, I would be, if I believed you.’
‘Paddy, it’s true.’
‘And why would that be? When you’ve never cared one damn ‒’ This time he cut himself short. ‘Would it be,’ he went on in a quieter tone, ‘my op? Knowing you, I’ll bet my bottom dollar it is.’
‘Paddy, please don’t think that.’ I had to hold my hands tightly in my lap to stop them shaking. ‘Please.’
‘No?’ The way he was having to narrow his eyes to improve his vision hurt far more than his reception. ‘Then, darling, will you give me an honest answer to one question. If I were not having that op tomorrow would you be here now?’
‘Perhaps not, but ‒’
‘Angel, but me no buts? I beg of you.’ He stood up, suddenly. ‘Lesley, I know I must seem pretty hellish giving you this sort of a reception after all the travelling you’ve done on your free day to wish me good luck for tomorrow. I really do apologise. I am grateful to you for coming. I’d just rather you hadn’t. It wasn’t a good idea.’
I felt defeated. I thought of all I had planned telling him, and realised that now it came to the point he would either refuse to listen, or refuse to believe me. He would tell me I had a kind heart, that sympathy was affecting my judgement, that I was a dear girl, and now would I please get the hell out of it.
Wearily, I got on my feet. ‘I’m sorry about that. I thought it was a good idea. I should have guessed I was wrong when I found I was in a minority of one.’
‘Minority?’ He frowned. ‘What do you mean by that?’
‘Only that I was warned you wouldn’t want to see me.’
‘By whom?’
I looked at him, then away quickly. ‘Mike first.’ I smiled without humour. ‘He didn’t tell me you were here for the asking. I had to drag it out of him.’ I walked to the window, gazed down at the hospital yard. ‘Joe E. thought it a lousy idea, too. And he added roughly that you’d probably chuck me out in short order.’
‘But you just gave that lamp of yours another rub and ignored the lot to hold my hand?’ He jeered. ‘You’re a fine nurse, darling, and I should be overcome with gratitude, but my hand’s not for holding.’
‘I know.’ I stared at an ambulance turning slowly below. ‘If I had been a fine nurse I’d have known it sooner.’ I had my face under control, so turned back to him. ‘I’m sorry to have bust in on you. I see now it was a mistake.’ I collected my handbag and gloves from the armchair. ‘Thanks for not chucking me out in too short order.’
He had not moved from his stand by that hard chair all the while I had been speaking. He looked across at me, put both hands on his pockets. ‘You understand why?’
‘Yes,’ I said flatly, ‘yes.’
‘You don’t sound it.’ He was briefly silent. ‘I wrote you a letter. There wasn’t much to it. I hope enough to explain the set-up.’ He paused again. ‘It was obviously off the mark. What the hell.’
‘Did you mean what you wrote in that letter?’
He winced visibly, as if I had hit him in the face. ‘I had that coming to me. Can’t say it makes it any easier, or that I blame you for it. The things I’ve said to you in the past must be enough to make you disbelieve me each time I open my mouth. But though I talk a packet of rubbish, I don’t write a word I don’t mean.’ He stepped back, leant against the wall. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have written at all. I should have sent you a wire. But you’ve been very good to me, Lesley. I didn’t expect to see you again for a long time, if at all. So I thought I ought to give you a rough outline of the set-up, straight.’
My gloves and handbag slipped back into the armchair. I made no attempt to retrieve them.
‘You’re not coming back to the marsh?’
‘No. I’ve had enough of it. Aunt Mary’s an understanding soul. She’ll not be surprised.’
The room was between us and crowded with the shadows of unspoken words jostling each other. One shadow was blacker than the others. I knew it could no longer be ignored.
‘Even if your op succeeds?’
‘That’s right.’
‘And if it doesn’t? What then? Some place like St Dunstan’s?’
His expression tightened. ‘A fine place.’
‘Very.’ My voice did not seem to belong to me. It was too normal. ‘If you lose your sight have you thought what job you’ll do?’
He inclined his head. ‘I’ll have my hands and brain for what it’s worth. I’ve had some talks with some of their instructors. Decent men.’ He looked straight at me. ‘It’s a bloody awful prospect, but not the end of the world.’ He stepped back, leant against the wall. ‘You said just now you had made a mistake. You’re not alone, angel. I should have talked this over with you before. I didn’t as I was afraid it would always be there between us, demanding your sympathy, making you avoid forbidden subjects. You’ll have noticed how people always avoid the issue on similar occasions, and make it far more marked. God, Lesley! Even here! They’re decent people, but none of them ever mention the word blind. It’s “lack of vision” ‒ or some such nonsense.’
‘That’s not avoiding the issue. It’s just hospital jargon. In Hilary’s three words for sure are never used: blind; cancer; death. That’s not the hospital’s fault. It’s to save the patients’ and their relatives’ feelings. So you lose your vision, have carcinoma, or have no prognosis. I’ve had much of that jargon jerked out of me on the district. Some of it still clings.’
He smiled slightly. ‘So I noticed just now.’
A few of the shadows had vanished. I asked, ‘Very scared?’
‘Scared as hell. I’m not the hero-type, angel.’
I sat down on the arm of the chair. ‘I’m not so sure about that, Paddy. I am sure you are being more than a little unnecessarily heroic.’
‘Good God, girl! What the devil does that mean?’
I had stopped feeling defeated. I knew what to say. ‘I’m right in thinking that even if your op succeeds you aren’t coming back to the marsh because of me?’
He took his time to answer. ‘So you have the set-up straight?’
‘I have. You haven’t.’
He stiffened. ‘I still have some vision.’
‘It’s not as good as you believe.’ I took a long breath to steady my voice. It was suddenly behaving very badly. I told him first my mistake about Angela.
‘Angel, are you out of your mind? What in hell made you think that?’
‘All the village talk ‒ and your mentioning seeing her so often ‒ and being willing to walk seven miles ‒’
‘Idiot girl! I invented that date quite shamelessly. I wanted to be with you. What I told you happened at the Gerrards’ was true. I didn’t go on to that party with her, as I never had any intention of staying. I always meant to walk back and hitch a lift home from you. Finding your empty car was the ugliest moment of my life ‒ bar none. I always knew I’d have to lose you unless I had the devil’s own luck.’ He paused. ‘Not that way.’
‘It never occurred to me at the time. I was way out. I thought you had rescued her before, not Dick. He told me.’
‘I did mention the circumstances were very different.’ His smile was self-derisive. ‘You may have been lying in my arms because you were cold. I was holding you in my arms ‒ something I’ll not forget.’
I said, ‘I don’t remember the cold, either.’ I told him all that remained to be said.
When I finished the room was full of silence. The shadows had gone. That is, for me. Not him.
‘Darling.’ He came slowly over to me. ‘You know I love you, if not how much. So you must realise how I would love to have you stay with me longer. But I don’t think that would be a good idea. I’m not chucking you out. I just think you ought to go. Now.’
I shook my head. ‘Then you’ll have to chuck me. I’m not ready.’
‘Lesley, you must! I just can’t take any more.’ His control was near breaking-point. ‘I can’t let you say any more. I will not let you say any more!’ He held out a hand to help me to my feet. ‘You’ve said far too much as it is. What kind of a swine do you think I am to let you go on at a time like this?’
I looked at his hand, then up at his face. I did not move. ‘I know very well what kind of a man you are, Paddy. No ‒ no swine. Just a man with guts and a kind heart. And the man I love.’
‘You can’t be serious ‒ God, I know that sounds off-beat, coming from me ‒ but you can’t be.’
‘You once told me,’ I reminded him quietly, ‘that when I dig in my heels I’m apt to drive a man up the wall. You had better be ready to go up the wall a lot of times in future. You may be determined to chuck me out of your life, but I don’t get chucked easily. I don’t know what’s coming tomorrow and after tomorrow, but I do know that wherever you are, I’m going to be around. It’s no good trying to pretend you don’t want me. I know you do. And’ ‒ the expression on his face made me catch my breath, but I had to finish ‒ ‘I want you, my darling.’
He folded his arms. ‘I am not, repeat, not, going to ask you to marry me. Nor’ ‒ his voice shook ‒ ‘will I entertain an offer from you, angel. But tell me, academically, would you risk marrying a blind man?’
‘Would you risk marrying me if I might be blind? Academically, of course.’
He did not answer. He walked to the window as I had done, stood with his back to me. Once again the room was silent. That time the silence was inexpressibly peaceful. I knew it was time to go.
I stood up, collected my belongings, for the second time, then touched his arm. ‘I’ll leave you, Paddy.’
He turned very slowly, like a man in a trance, took my face in his hands. ‘I’m glad you came, Lesley. I am so very glad you came.’ He kissed my lips very lightly. His hand on my face shook slightly. ‘No, darling, don’t let’s say more. There’s not one word that needs to be said between us, until we meet again. And we shall not meet here. Understand?’
I nodded.
‘I love you as I breathe, my dearest angel.’ He dropped his hands stiffly, as if it took enormous effort of will. ‘It’s been nice to see you. Thanks for coming.’
Chapter Eleven
LINDY GETS THE MESSAGE
Mike was waiting at the station when I got back on the last train. I was very grateful. The combination of happiness and anxiety had left me too exhausted to make the physical effort of telephoning for a taxi.
‘Mike, this is good of you.’
He tucked a rug over me. ‘I promised Paddy I’d see you safely home.’
‘You’ve spoken to him since I left? He wasn’t cross?’
He switched on the inside light of his car. ‘Not at all. He only threatened to knock my back teeth down my throat at our next meeting. From the way he sounded, I’d say I was losing them in a good cause.’ He smiled at me. ‘It seems your journey was necessary?’
‘Yes.’ I smiled back. We did not talk any more until we reached the cottage.
He told me to go straight to bed. ‘You look all in.’
‘I am. But, first, about tomorrow. I talked to Joe E. after I left Paddy, as well as before. He said he thought it best if he kept in contact with you. You’ll let me know as soon as you know anything?’
‘Of course.’ He took my hands. ‘Remember, even after the op no one can give any verdict until the first dressings come off.’
‘I haven’t forgotten. Be around five days?’
‘Thereabouts. Could be longer. Sorry.’
Many years had seemed shorter than those days of waiting. I knew there was no more I could do; I had to leave the immediate future to Paddy, whatever happened. We might meet just to say good-bye. I would not let it be good-bye, but it was not only up to me. I had a living to earn, a job. If Paddy decided to go back home to Eire I could follow him in time. It would all take time, and I knew him too we
ll for comfort.
Ann came out of hospital during those days. It was pleasant to have her back home, yet I preferred being alone when I was not working. Mike had told her everything. She was kind and tactful, without being either overwhelmingly; but I still preferred being on my own.
When the fifth day arrived and Mike had no news for me I was ready to snap with strain. I had a baby that afternoon, and the area was busy, so I could not snap. It was the first baby I had ever delivered mechanically.
On the sixth morning I got back for lunch in a complete state of nerves, and buckled one wing of my car on my own front gate. I looked at the wing and went on indoors, determined to ring, not the local garage, but Joe E. to find out for myself. Ann was out. There was a note in Mike’s handwriting on our telephone pad. ‘Joe says first dressing quite satisfactory. Paddy’s general condition Al.’
I did something I had not done all the waiting days. I sat down and burst into tears.
The following evening Mike nearly knocked our front door down with his knock. ‘Joe’s very bucked! He thinks he’s done the trick!’ Suddenly we were hugging each other. ‘I’ve just had a talk to Mary Graves. Bless her, she kissed me, Lesley!’
‘Mike, dear, dear, Mike ‒ so will I!’ I dripped tears all over his fine white collar. ‘Mike, I’m so happy!’
Ann put her arms round us both. ‘You poor darlings. You’ve both looked so ghastly all this week ‒ I’m so pleased for you all.’ ‒ and she was crying too.
Mike said he must either go for a new collar or borrow a bath towel. ‘Come on, girls. We all need a drink. I’ve brought some whisky.’
He stayed to supper. Neither he nor I were called out; we drank toasts to every other person in the neighbourhood from Grandpa Hassell to Albert Charles Mercer, my mechanical baby, who was making admirable progress. Only Paddy’s absence saved it from being the happiest night of my life.
I rang Joe E. the next evening. ‘I know I promised I’d leave this to Mike Ellis, but this is to say thank you.’
Nurse Errant Page 16
