‘To you Gabe, not to me.’ I felt some tears of exhaustion and frustration start to roll down my cheeks. How could a guy who’d had countless one night stands suddenly become so passionate about committed relationships and marriage? He was asking too much of me. I’d already given him my heart, I had nothing else to offer.
‘So why ask for my opinion if you’re just going to shut me down?’ he snapped.
‘I wanted you to be honest about how you felt Gabe, to lay your cards on the table so I knew where we stood and you have been, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with what you’re saying, just as you’re not accepting what I’m telling you. You’re trying to change my mind on something I feel equally strongly about Gabe, to make me agree with something you want.’
‘I can’t make you want anything Mia, I want you to want the same things I do.’
‘Gabe I’m sorry but this is it, this is me, this is the whole package and it’s never going to be enough for you is it?’ I whispered as I wiped away the tears, feeling completely shattered, physically and emotionally.
‘Mia,’ he sighed.
‘Gabe I can’t deal with this. I think you better take me home now,’ I sniffed and he quickly stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me again and I let out a pained gasp. I loved this man, like I’d never loved anyone, but I just couldn’t give him what he wanted.
‘You’re right. You’ve been through an ordeal with your op and you’re tired and emotional. I’ll get you into bed and you can have a really good rest. When you wake up and spend some time with Lexi you’ll feel so much better.’
‘Not your home Gabe,’ I sighed heavily. ‘Mine.’
‘Yours?’ he asked, surprised.
‘I’m hurting you Gabe, I can feel it and I love you too much to be the person to do that to you. You deserve to be happy, you deserve a chance to have a happy family life after what you’ve been through, but I can’t offer you that, so it’s best we end this now.’ I heard my words reflected back to me, was I really saying this? Had I actually just said that out loud? Was I prepared to ruin the first ever relationship that had ever meant anything to me? To deprive myself purely to protect someone else from feeling pain? I must really love him with all my heart. I felt his body stiffen and heard him take a sharp shocked intake of breath, as I felt my stomach knot tightly.
‘You’re … you’re breaking up with me?’ He let go of me again and staggered back, the look of horror on his face speared me. I grabbed the foot of the bed to hold myself up and quickly looked away, I couldn’t look at his face, I couldn’t cave.
‘I don’t have a choice Gabe, you want things that I can’t give you.’
‘So just like that you say it’s over? Because you think you know what’s best for me?’ His voice was shaking and felt my legs give out and I sank down on the bed. I ignored the sudden pain that seared through my stomach as my tight jeans constricted my swollen belly, the pain in my chest was worse, so much worse. I thought I’d felt pain before, but nothing compared to this, the feeling of hurting him, of losing him. A quick glance at his devastated face didn’t help either.
‘What would you prefer Gabe? That we wait another year, another ten years? Nothing will change. I don’t want you to end up resenting me for something you wanted that I couldn’t give you. The longer we’re together, the more painful I’ll find it when you eventually leave me.’
‘I’d never leave you Mia, never, I told you that you’re my forever and I meant it. You’re the love of my life,’ he whispered.
‘And you’re mine Gabe, but you will leave me, or you’ll end up pushing me away. You’ll either make me resent you for pressuring me to do something I don’t want, or you’ll end up blaming me Gabe, blaming me for not giving you what you want and you’ll hate me and I couldn’t bear that.’ I looked away as I felt the salt starting to sting my cheeks as the tears continued to stream down them. I loved him, I actually loved him that much that I just wanted him to be happy.
‘Baby don’t cry, please don’t cry. I could never hate you, I love you.’ I felt the bed sink as his arm went around my shoulder and he stroked my hair. ‘Don’t do this Mia, we’re both tired and upset. Don’t end it like this, please, you’re breaking my heart,’ he whispered as his lips grazed my forehead.
‘It’s breaking … mine,’ I sobbed, my chest jerking violently.
‘Mia we both need time, we need time to process all of this to decide what will and won’t work and we’ll deal with it together. Don’t make impulsive rash decisions on a disagreement. I can’t lose you baby, I just can’t. I need …’ He choked up and released me to wipe his face and I grabbed the bed rail, my hands shaking and stood with my back to him and wrapped my arms around myself.
‘If I stay, I’m scared you’ll leave me for someone who can give you what you need Gabe and I couldn’t bear you walking away from me.’ I felt his arms tighten around my chest and his solid body press into my back. How could he make me feel so safe in his arms, but terrify me so much with his passion for me? I closed my eyes and groaned as I felt his fingers run over my cheeks and lips, little sparks of electricity running through my body.
‘I could never leave you, I’ll never want someone else, not like I want you. Don’t leave me Mia,’ he whispered softly in my ear, tugging at my heart strings.
My head knew I should end it now. Everything was telling me that he’d never change his feelings and desires and that I’d ultimately disappoint him. I didn’t want to hurt him, or myself, by breaking up with him now, but staying with him and denying him what he wanted was just as bad. My heart, my heart though needed him. He was like oxygen to me, just the thought of not seeing him, touching him, or feeling him touching me again, made me feel like I was suffocating. I reached out my hand and caught his fingers and kissed them. He spun me around, grasped my face and kissed me so passionately he literally knocked the wind out of me. I caught my breath and looked up into his eyes and felt the inevitable pull to him. As his lips came at me again I responded, my hands in his hair, on his strong arms, his taut body, roaming all over him as we devoured each other. When I broke away, I panted on his chest.
‘Mia,’ he groaned. ‘Stay with me. You feel it, I know you do, we belong together. We need time, we need each other baby,’ he whispered. I kissed his shirt over his heart and breathed him in as I listened to my head and my heart fighting. I clutched his shoulders gently stroking them and he pulled my head back and he put his forehead on mine, our noses touching and I could feel the warmth of his breath caressing my lips. I looked into his beautiful sad blue eyes and I felt my heart aching for him.
‘Do you really believe I could ever leave you?’ he asked.
‘I don’t want to believe it,’ I whispered.
‘Do you still love me?’
‘So much.’
‘Then there’s no reason for us to break up Mia. I’m not going to lie to you, I didn’t realise how much I wanted the security of a marriage and the love of a family for myself until I met you and I’ll always want those things with you Mia, always, but the pain I feel at imagining you’ll never give them to me, is far less than what I just felt hearing you say you’d leave me. I can’t imagine my life without you baby. Please don’t do that to me, to us. Stay with me, I feel like I’m dying inside,’ he gazed at me, so devastated that I had to close my eyes.
‘O god Gabe,’ I sighed. Part of me hated how easily he was prepared to give up his desires just to keep me, the other part of me felt so reassured. He really did love me, he’d do anything to keep me, which only served to confuse me more. I released him and backed away, but he grabbed my hands and pulled me back into his arms squashing me to his chest. I don’t know whose heart was racing faster, his or mine.
‘I thought I was your engine?’ he whispered.
‘You are.’ I opened my eyes again and looked up at him, letting him see how much I was hurting too.
‘Then don’t do this Mia. Stay with me. Please stay.’ He stroked my fa
ce desperately searching my eyes for an answer. I broke contact from his gaze again, it was too much. I lightly touched his lips with my fingers then kissed them and wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered in his ear.
‘Take me home with you then Gabe.’ The words came out so easily, I hated myself for caving and letting my overwhelming desire for him outweigh what was the right thing to do.
‘You mean it? You really mean it?’
‘I mean it, I love you too much to let you go.’ I sighed. I had a feeling I was going to end up regretting this decision, that I was going to get horribly hurt, but the thought of a few more months or years with him suddenly seemed so much more important than the potential pain as we stood here right now.
‘O god Mia,’ he groaned. He pushed his face into my shoulder and I felt his tears of relief on my neck. I closed my eyes to stop the pain I felt from my own selfishness. I suddenly felt my knees buckle as exhaustion hit me like an artic truck and he lifted me up, lay me down on the bed and climbed in beside me and held me tightly as he kissed my head over and over.
I was suddenly aware of movement and groggily opened my eyes, shocked to realise I was in his car. I looked down to see I was still barefoot and looked over at him, he looked how I felt, physically and emotionally drained.
‘You’re awake,’ he said quietly as he glanced at me.
‘Where are we? We were in the hospital after I … after we …’ I felt his hand squeeze my thigh.
‘You fell asleep again, I think your painkillers kicked in, so I carried you to the car and went back to get your things. We’re nearly home.’
‘How can you be so good to me? I don’t deserve you, you deserve better,’ I whispered.
‘I’ll always take care of you Mia, your welfare and happiness are the most important things in my life.’
I picked up his hand and kissed it and felt my eyes closing again. My need for sleep was too hard to fight against and I drifted off again.
I groaned as I felt my jeans being tugged down. I kept trying to open my eyes, but they weren’t responding. When I felt a warm stinging sensation on my stomach I gasped, now I was awake. I opened them wide and tried to sit up and felt a restraining hand on my shoulder. I realised I was lying down on a bed looking up at Gabe straddling my thighs.
‘Owwww, what’s going on?’ I moaned.
‘You’re so exhausted you keep falling asleep on me. It’s like you’ve got bloody narcolepsy or something. I put you on the bed to undress you and found blood all over your stomach. You’ve buggered up a set of your stitches and slightly opened one of your incisions wearing those stupid tight fucking jeans,’ he grumbled.
‘O god,’ I groaned.
‘They told me to clean you with warm salted water, which is probably stinging you.’ I tried to sit up again and he pushed me back down. ‘Lie still Mia,’ he snapped. I bit my lips and covered my eyes with my hands to try and stop the tears starting again, he sounded so cross with me. ‘Shit Mia, I’m sorry, just lie still while I clean you. Lexi’s digging out some steri-strips to reseal it. Luckily it’s only the top bit that’s opened. You’ve got proper stitches deeper in the incision.’
‘Are we in your bedroom?’ I sniffed.
‘Yes.’
‘You’re angry with me.’ I could hear it in his voice, he was short and sharp.
‘Yes,’ he hissed with a quick glare.
‘Why?’ I tried to reach up and touch him and he grabbed my hand and pinned it to the bed.
‘You’re not taking care of yourself Mia. You’ve hardly eaten anything, or drunk any water today, you obviously hurt yourself earlier and didn’t tell me. Also you tried to fucking end things with me. Now you’re lying on my bed in the tiniest pair of sexy knickers and I want to fuck you. I always want to fuck you when I’m mad with you and right now I can’t. So yes I’m fucking angry, angry and fucking frustrated,’ he bellowed and looked at my face, the glare in his eyes blistering my skin.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I whispered. He looked like he was going to say something and was interrupted by a knock on the door.
‘What?’ he snapped, not taking his eyes off me.
‘Sorry Mr Grumpy, you asked me to find strips and I’ve got them. You want me to come in or what?’ called Lexi. His face relaxed a little as he saw me smile to hear her voice.
‘Sorry I snapped Lexi, come in,’ he called. I heard the door open, but he was blocking my view.
‘Holy shit you’re not at it are you? I so don’t need to see that and isn’t it a bit soon?’
‘I’m holding her still as she’s struggling and she’s going to open her bloody incision again. Come over Lexi, I need you to help me with her.’
‘Lex?’ I felt the tears rolling down my face as I saw her appear.
‘Christ, she’s bloody off again,’ sighed Gabe, releasing my hand and rubbing his face. ‘If she’s not sleeping, she’s crying Lexi. I just don’t know how to help her.’
‘You’re doing a great job Gabe. Come on let’s get these put in place and she needs to sleep. Dr Wells warned it can be very emotional after having an op, with the effects of the anaesthetic and drugs. She said she’d need to sleep a lot.’
‘I’m lying right here, I can hear you both you know,’ I mumbled through my tears.
‘Baby you’ve got to lie still while I try and do this. I don’t want to fuck up and leave you with a nasty scar ok?’
‘Ok,’ I sniffed. Lexi shuffled up to sit facing me and held my hand and I gave it a big squeeze. ‘Lexi, hey you,’ I smiled.
‘Hey you. Been quite a handful I hear?’
‘You too Lex, I’ve missed you so much. Are you ok?’ I winced as I felt Gabe gently pinch one of my incisions closed and rub a strip over it.
‘Better than you by the looks of things, except for these bloody sanitary towels. Like walking round with a brick in my pants.’
‘I know isn’t it? I haven’t worn these since I was twelve. Are you walking like John Wayne?’
‘Yeah, I’ve shrunk from six to five foot my legs are that far apart,’ she chuckled, making me giggle.
‘Do you remember that girl at Rowleys who trod on a discarded used tampon and freaked out thinking she’d trodden on a mouse?’
‘Yeah,’ laughed Lexi. ‘And the one who smelt of kippers? We’d spent weeks searching the dorm to find out where the smell in there was coming from, then we discovered she didn’t know that she was supposed to put her used sanitary stuff in the toilet bins and had been keeping them in a suitcase under the bed.’
‘Kipper Kendall,’ I shrieked and Lexi clutched her stomach as she cried with laughter. ‘How the hell did I forget that?’
‘MIA keep bloody still,’ snapped Gabe.
‘Owwww laughing hurts,’ I groaned as I tried to stop myself.
‘Thank god we discovered it in Autumn term, imagine the smell if it had been summer?’ chuckled Lexi.
‘Girls,’ groaned Gabe. ‘Please could you save the towel talk for when I’m not in the room?’ I bit my lip to try and calm myself down as he applied another strip and Lexi grinned at me.
‘Well if you need any more towels I’ve got us covered, besides we can always send Gabe out to buy some more for us to embarrass him,’ she winked making me giggle again.
‘Mia, please lie still I’m going to put on one more just to be sure,’ Gabe sighed.
‘Mia, I’m going to let you get some rest. We have the rest of the week to hang out and catch up. Just try and behave alright? Poor Gabe’s had a fair bit of shit with the two of us this week.’ She leaned over and kissed my forehead.
‘Thanks Lex, you sure you’re ok?’
‘I’m fine, I’m happier now I’ve seen you.’
‘Me too Lex.’
‘See you later,’ she winked at me and vanished out of my view.
‘Thanks Lex.’ Gabe called and I heard the bedroom door open and close. ‘I think I’m done Mia, if you’re going to move do it carefully and loose clothing please.’<
br />
‘Thank you.’
‘Are you going to sleep again?’
‘No thanks, laughing’s woken me up a bit. I think I’d like to sit up for a while.’
‘Hang on, I’ll rearrange the pillows and you can lie back ok?,’ he asked. I nodded and closed my eyes as he climbed off me and shuffled about.
‘Ok baby, whenever you’re ready,’ he coaxed, in a gentle reassuring voice. I pushed myself up on my hands and squeezed my eyes shut and exhaled as I felt my stomach pull.
‘Owwww,’ I moaned with a wince as I felt the internal pull. I opened my eyes as I leaned back on the pile of pillows as Gabe sat on his side of the bed side facing me.
‘Mia,’ he sighed as he looked at me. He reached over and touched my bare legs. ‘You’re freezing baby. I’m going to get you something clean to put on, make you a hot water bottle and something to eat and drink ok?’
‘Thanks the clothes and hot water bottle sound great, but I’m really not hungry Gabe.’
‘You keep saying that, but I’ve got something that I think may tempt you.’ It was the first time I’d seen him smile properly since this morning. I reached out and touched his fingers.
‘I thought we couldn’t do that yet,’ I teased.
‘Something else that may tempt you,’ he said softly. I felt his fingers close around mine, squeezing them tightly and I smiled. He disappeared and returned with a fresh t-shirt for me and I stripped off mine and my bra and he helped me with the new one. ‘Can you lift your bottom off the bed? I want to get you under the duvet and warm.’
‘Ok.’ I hitched myself up on the one side and felt him tug the duvet down under me and he got up and walked around to the other side of the bed and I suddenly gasped.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing,’ I whispered and he followed my eyes to the bedside table, on which sat a beautiful hand tied bouquet of calla lilies and white roses with a single red rose in the middle.
‘Shit sorry I forgot all about them what with your stomach bleeding. They’re for you, from me.’
Forever & an Engine (The Austin Series) Page 21
