He stepped into her cottage, the warmth of the soft light and the cozy colors not as welcoming as they had been. Freddie hobbled up, and Tanner scratched the dog’s head for a minute. The dog looked up at Tanner with sweet eyes, no understanding of the turmoil that coursed through him. That was the great thing about pets—they had the ability to comfort you even when they didn’t know you were upset. Or maybe Freddie could tell.
A minute later, Tanner nudged the dog aside and he loped his way back into the kitchen.
“Have a seat. Can I get you something to drink?”
“No.” He perched on the couch, and she slumped in the armchair beside the fireplace. She always sat beside him when they talked. Damn, she’d already decided and she’d chosen New York. Without even giving him a chance to talk her out of it.
“I need to tell you what happened today.”
He didn’t say anything. Was he supposed to? The only other time he’d been in a serious relationship, his ex-wife had left without a word.
“Erik stopped by the studio.” She picked at her finger. When she saw his gaze land on her wringing hands, she shoved them under her thighs. He’d never seen her so undone.
He longed to pull her into his arms, to tell her that everything would be okay. But he couldn’t make that promise.
“He wants me to come back.”
Tanner sighed. There it was. At least she’d had the decency to talk to him instead of just disappearing. But that didn’t make it hurt any less. “Are you going back to him?”
Her eyes widened. “Oh, no. It’s not like that.” She finally slid onto the couch beside him, but it just wasn’t the same. Not anymore. “Erik knows there is nothing between us anymore. I can’t trust him—not after what he did to me. How he treated me. I told you about how he would always criticize me about my weight. Well, it was much worse than I led you to believe. Erik is only happy when he is the one in charge—on and off the stage. He wanted to control every aspect of my life, and for a long time, I let him. I don’t know why, but I did.”
“Then why do you want to go back?” Maybe Tanner had a chance after all. Why would Izzy subject herself to that again, especially knowing what Tanner and Hayley had to offer? He just had to convince her that he and Hayley were better for her than the asshole.
“That’s just it. I’m not going back to him. I’d be going back to the company. Erik said that some of the benefactors are threatening to pull their support because they aren’t happy with Brittany.”
Tanner leapt up and paced across the room. He couldn’t sit still any longer and listen to her discuss this so… rationally. Why wasn’t she as emotional as he was about the prospect of leaving? He bit back tears. He couldn’t let her see how this affected him. Maybe she didn’t love him the way he loved her. If she did, there was no way she could leave them. “And just like that, you’d uproot your life and go back to him?”
She jumped up. “Not to him, the company.”
Freddie barked from the kitchen.
“It’s all right, Freddie.” Izzy kept her gaze locked on Tanner. A minute later, the frantic yipping stopped and Freddie calmed down.
“I thought you couldn’t dance professionally anymore. That your injury made that impossible.” He could barely organize his questions with thoughts of Izzy leaving, losing her, never seeing her again swirling in his mind.
“The doctors said it was unlikely. Erik had moved on, the company had kept going without me, and I didn’t see a future for me professionally anymore.”
“And now you do?” That question came out sharper than he intended, but anger was building in his gut. She’d said she was here to stay. That was the only reason he was willing to get involved with her. Yet here she was, doing the one thing that he’d spent the past four years protecting himself from.
She collected her hair off her shoulders and held it up above her head as she paced around the living room. The move highlighted her long neck that he hadn’t spent nearly enough time exploring. Who knows if he’d ever get that chance again? “I don’t know. I just don’t know. My knee is strong and I’m dancing better than ever. The problem is that if I don’t try again, won’t I always wonder?”
“I can’t answer that for you. But did you think that you’d be dancing in the company forever? Wasn’t there always a long-term plan for after you retired?”
“That’s what I’m doing now. Opening the studio and teaching kids how to dance was that plan.”
“What will going back mean for your studio? Have you thought about that?” He paced back to the couch. This room wasn’t big enough for him to work out his frustrations and hurt.
She startled at his tone but continued her logical argument for returning to New York. “I have. Natalie is willing to pick up a fulltime class load, and another dancer from her studio in Philadelphia is willing to cover the remaining classes.”
Why was she even bothering to discuss this with him when she’d clearly made her decision? Hell, she discussed it with Natalie before him. “It sounds like you have everything planned out.”
“Kinda. But I want to know what you think?”
“I can’t make a decision this important for you, Izzy.” As much as he wanted to. If he had his way, she’d stay right here and they’d work on that future he’d envisioned for both of them. He bit his tongue so he wouldn’t beg her to stay. He wouldn’t set himself and Hayley up to be resented.
Tears pooled in her eyes. “But you’re a part of my life, and what I do affects you and Hayley.”
“Yes, it does. But we were getting along fine before we met you, and we’ll be fine after you leave.”
She laid her hand on his.
It was all he could do not to gather her into his arms, but he was barely holding on by a thread. He shook her off.
“Just because I might go back to the company doesn’t mean this has to end between us. I don’t want that.”
“How do you expect it to work? You in New York and me here?”
“We could see each other on weekends. It’s only two hours away. We could show Hayley the city. I bet she’d love it.”
“She would. But that’s no way to build a future, just seeing each other when we can make time.”
A single tear rolled down her cheek. “But… I love you. I’m not ready for this to end.”
He raked his fingers through his hair. This was so hard. He loved Izzy and if he had his choice, she would stay. But she wanted this, and so he wanted it for her, even if it jeopardized their life together. That didn’t help the ache that had settled in his chest. “Me neither. I meant it when I said I loved you. I saw a future for us. For all three of us. You know that I hadn’t brought a woman into Hayley’s life before you. I didn’t want her to have to deal with someone else leaving.”
“But I’m not leaving. Not forever, at least.” Tears ran down her cheeks in earnest now. The pain in her voice was like a spear to his heart.
He couldn’t take it anymore. He pulled her into his arms and rested his head on hers. A decision like this shouldn’t be so painful. If only he could take away her heartache and add it to his own.
Her sobs grew heavier. She spoke into his shoulder. “I didn’t think this would mean we’d have to break up. I don’t want that.”
He didn’t, either. But he wasn’t sure a long-distance relationship would work. What if Izzy liked New York better and didn’t want to return to Cedar Hill? Where would that leave him? “I don’t know what it means. I guess I need a little time. Maybe you going to New York is a good thing—it’ll give us both a chance to figure out exactly what we want.”
“I know what I want. I want you. But I also need to see, to know for sure that I left dancing professionally on my own terms, not because of an injury.”
He could respect that. He just wished that it didn’t mean her leaving him. He stroked her back and she relaxed. If only he could turn time back and show up at the studio a few minutes earlier. He could have whisked her away before Erik ha
d a chance to throw a wrench into both of their lives.
But Izzy was right. If she didn’t reach out for this opportunity, she’d never know for sure. He didn’t want her to wonder what if for the rest of her life. “I agree. You need to go back.”
She pulled back and looked him in the eyes. “You do?”
“I wouldn’t want you to have those unanswered questions. I know you’ll take that company and New York by storm.” While he stayed in Cedar Hill and nursed his broken heart.
“Why are you being so nice about this? I thought you’d be yelling and screaming and angry.”
“I want you to be happy, Izzy. I hoped that would be with me, but I want for you what you want. And if you think you need to prove something to yourself, or your asshole ex-boyfriend, or the entire dance world, then I want that for you.”
“But what does this mean for us?”
He pulled her back into him. She felt good in his arms, like she belonged there. But he meant what he said. What kind of future could they have if she was always dwelling on the past and what could have been? He could only hope that once she’d proven to herself what he already knew, that there was still a place for him in her life. She could do anything she put her mind to, she just didn’t know that for herself yet. “I don’t know. But I don’t want you to worry. Just go to New York and show everyone there that Izzy Harper means business.”
She swiped under her eyes and stepped back. “I can’t believe you’re being so supportive. Erik would have never tolerated me going off and doing something other than exactly what he had planned for us.”
“That’s why he’s your ex-boyfriend. Just make sure he remembers the ex part.” One of these days, she would stop comparing Tanner to that bastard.
“I will.”
“So, when do you head out?”
“Gosh, I don’t know. I never got that far. I left things open ended when I spoke with Erik. I know he wants me there as soon as possible, so I guess as soon as I can make arrangements for Serena to take care of Freddie. Probably tomorrow or the next day.”
He just nodded. He didn’t want to draw this out. He’d made it through the conversation, but barely. Now he had to figure out how to tell Hayley that Izzy was leaving. How could he convince Hayley that it wasn’t her fault?
Izzy’s hands slid up his cheek and linked around his neck. “Can you stay?”
He shook his head. If he made love with Izzy again, he might beg her not to go. And his heart wouldn’t be able to bear it when she didn’t stay. He lowered his head and pressed his lips to hers, pouring every bit of love he had for her into a single kiss, the bitter taste of salt from her tears the final taste he would have of her.
Their bodies melted together, and Izzy kissed him back with a desperation that he fully understood. Neither of them knew what the future held. But Tanner had been through this before. He knew what leaving meant.
He broke the kiss and stroked a finger down her cheek. Anguish and heartbreak swirled in her eyes and probably reflected in his own. “Goodbye, Izzy.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
“No! No! No!” Erik pushed her away as he screamed at her for what had to be the tenth time this past hour. “That is completely wrong. You turn the other way and then you extend your arm. I will lift you from there. Why can’t you get this right, Isabella?”
Sweat dripped down her face. “Maybe because you’re an ass and you spun me the wrong way?”
He stepped so his nose was almost pressed up against hers. His intimidation may have worked before but not anymore. Izzy’s entire life was no longer tied up in the company like it had been the last time. She had the power, so to say, and Erik hated it.
The company had invested everything into her—all of their promo materials for their upcoming “One Night Only” performance featured her image. There was no mention of Erik. He hadn’t been wrong when he said the company was floundering without her. Although she wasn’t sure it was because she was gone or because Erik wasn’t.
“You’ve been back for a month. Why are you still so rusty? We perform in seven days, and we’ll make fools of ourselves at this rate.” Spit flew out of his mouth as he yelled.
She wiped her face and walked away. She knew better than to engage Erik when he was like this. Besides, that was the director’s job.
Izzy wasn’t the problem in this pairing. How had she not seen that Erik wasn’t a strong dancer before now? She’d been so focused on her own insecurities and the dream she felt she had to achieve—for herself, and for her father—that it has escaped her notice how much she actually carried Erik.
Not anymore. She’d proven that she still had what it took to dance professionally. But it turned out the only person she’d needed to prove that to was herself. And she had, even before their performance next week. She couldn’t deny the high at the prospect of being back on that stage, using her body to tell a story, though.
As she waited for Madame Katarina to have words with Erik, she grabbed a towel out of her duffel and dried off her body. Thankfully Erik hadn’t said a word about her weight since she’d returned. She’d never realized that half of her weight management plan had been the hours and hours of exercise she put in daily. Thankfully she hadn’t fallen back into her unhealthy eating habits in the month since she’d been back. She was making smart food choices, and the scale and the weight chart no longer intimidated her. One thing this time away had shown her—she’d had a horrible mental attitude when she’d danced with the company the first time.
This time, she was approaching everything from a much better place.
And this month had shown her exactly how much she missed Tanner. When she wasn’t on the stage, she was holed up in her apartment, staring at her phone, hoping that he would text or call. Her dreams were filled with images of Tanner, his laugh when they’d talk or how his eyes would grow dark when he made love with her. Realizing a dream without the person you love wasn’t all that sweet.
All of that made her decision that much easier.
She snatched her phone out of her bag and stared at the blank screen. She hadn’t heard from Tanner in a couple of days. Sure, they were both busy, but she had meant it when she’d said their relationship didn’t have to end just because she was returning to the company.
Tanner hadn’t brought Hayley to New York to visit. There had been some developments in the string of vandalisms at the center, and he was staying close to home as a result. He couldn’t hide his frustration over the entire situation when they talked, which wasn’t nearly frequently enough for her.
At least she could dash off a quick text. “I miss you.”
She stared another minute. The message indicated delivered but didn’t switch over to read status. Was he busy or asleep? She lost track of time trapped in a studio or on the stage for long hours every day.
She was tempted to send another message, but she refused to be the only one that put any effort into their relationship. Tanner had Hayley to think about, and Izzy understood that took time, but Izzy loved his daughter. She’d never do anything to hurt or confuse Hayley. They could make this work—Izzy was sure of it. Especially considering the plans for her future.
Plans she was longing to discuss with Tanner, if he’d call her back.
“Izzy, you were wonderful. I’m so sorry about Erik.” The director, an older Russian woman, interrupted her thoughts of Tanner. Izzy had always envied her lithe body that looked like she’d never fought a battle with a donut and lost. She’d been dancing since she was a little girl, and after years performing in the Kiev ballet, she had defected. Her gentle tone and caring eyes had always soothed Izzy’s frazzled nerves when Erik was berating her.
“That’s all right, Madam Katarina. We’ll get it.”
“I know you will. Him, I’m not so sure. All of this time, we thought Brittany wasn’t the right fit for Erik when in reality it was Erik who was the problem.” She shook her head. “What are we going to do? We perform in one week.”
Madam Katarina threw her arms around Izzy. “I missed you so much. I can’t believe Erik talked you into coming back.”
“I had something to prove.”
“You had nothing to prove to us, injury or not. We knew you were the wonderful dancer that you always have been. You have innate talent that can’t be taught. We’re so fortunate that someone recognized the ability in you when you were young.”
That was another thing Izzy had discovered during this return. All this time, she’d thought that she had something to prove to her father when she pushed herself so hard growing up, but that wasn’t it at all. Dad had instilled that drive in her, and she was pushing herself. Now that she was older, she understood that. And she couldn’t be angry at Dad anymore. She only wished she’d realized it soon enough to tell him.
There were still a lot of issues she hadn’t forgiven her father for, but pushing her to be the best at what she wanted for herself wasn’t one of them. “My father had a lot to do with fostering my love of dance early in my life. But enough about me. We only have one week until the benefit.”
In addition to being Izzy’s grand return to the stage, the benefit performance would provide a donation for the local boys and girls club in Harlem. After seeing the good things Tanner had done with the center in Cedar Hill, she wanted to help other teens who needed a place, or a person, they could turn to. The company had been thrilled with the idea, and the performance had all but sold out the Lincoln Center.
Working with the charity had made her time in New York almost tolerable. In some small part, she felt connected to Tanner. When she’d left Cedar Hill, she’d been so excited about the prospect of living in the city again. Now that she was here, she wondered why she’d ever liked it in the first place. The benefit performance was what kept her climbing out of bed every morning when all she wanted to do was pull the covers over her head and wish herself back home.
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