Not now. Now I just felt helpless.
I was the worst person to talk him off whatever ledge he was hanging over. I knew these outbursts were just a part of who he was. But they scared me.
“I’m not Freaky Flynn!” he screamed over and over again. He was rubbing his hands together. Up and down his arms. He rubbed harshly and systematically over and over again.
I took a deep breath. I needed to get myself under control.
I closed my eyes while he yelled. Murphy was pacing in circles now, clearly distressed.
I slowly, so as to not upset him further, walked toward Murphy. I made a point to keep a healthy distance from Flynn, who was still rubbing his hands together. Murphy was whining and pacing by the apple tree. I leaned down and started rubbing Murphy’s head in long, even strokes. “It’s okay, boy,” I said calmly. The act of rubbing his thick, silky fur relaxed me. Even as Flynn raged behind me.
I kept rubbing the dog, keeping up a steady stream of soothing words. Murphy stopped pacing and settled on the ground, his tail wagging.
“That’s it, calm down,” I said softly. The words were just as much for me as for the dog. I realized Flynn had quieted down. I looked back and saw that he was still rubbing his hands but he wasn’t yelling anymore. He was watching me pet his dog.
“You’re a good boy,” I crooned to the dog as he nuzzled my hand.
I stayed like that for almost twenty minutes. Petting Murphy and waiting to see what Flynn would do. He continued to rub his hands the whole time.
Finally he came over and knelt down beside me, putting his hand on Murphy’s head.
I watched as Flynn visibly relaxed while he rubbed Murphy. I let out a breath that I hadn’t realized I was holding.
We were quiet for a long time; the only noise was that of Murphy’s panting and thumping tail
“Do you want to sit down?” I asked as I lowered myself onto the ground.
Flynn still didn’t answer me but he sat down beside me. We were silent again. My back was getting stiff but I wouldn’t move away from him. I wouldn’t retreat. I would be here for Flynn. Even if it was just sitting beside him while he rubbed Murphy.
A few moments later, he put his hand down on my leg. The simple touch almost reduced me to tears.
He had forgiven me. Even if he couldn’t say the words.
I loved this man. So much. But how many times would our destructive history derail the future we were attempting to build? Was it possible for two people who had hurt each other so badly be happy together?
I hoped so. Because I couldn’t imagine my life without Flynn Hendrick.
Somehow, someway, we were going to have to find a way to not only forgive each other, but to forgive our past.
If that was even possible.
After Flynn had settled, he had gone into the house, leaving me outside. I hadn’t followed him, figuring he needed his space and the last thing I wanted to do was crowd him.
So I had stayed outside with Murphy for almost an hour. When I went inside the house, I found Flynn asleep in his room. I hadn’t disturbed him. But I hadn’t left either.
I slept on the couch that night, just wanting to be close to him even if I didn’t know how.
The next few days were a bit strained but we eventually fell back into our version of normal. I had rescheduled my meeting with the Continuing Education Coordinator for later in the week. Flynn had gone with me to campus, going off to the art studio while I went over options for the next few years.
I had decided on applying to two schools. One in West Virginia a little over an hour away. The other was my dream school. It had an amazing English department but it was in Maryland. I had never left the state. The thought was terrifying. But I decided to go for it anyway. I had no hopes of getting in but I could at least say I tried.
I was feeling pretty buoyant by the time I was finished. Cathy, the CE Coordinator had been really nice and given me a bunch of brochures to look at.
I found Flynn exactly where I expected him to be. He was bent over a mound of clay in the empty art studio. It was perfectly silent except for the punctuated sounds of his tools as he dropped them on the table before picking up another one.
I wasn’t exactly quiet when I entered the room but Flynn didn’t look up. I wasn’t surprised. He would disappear into whatever he was working on.
I came up behind him and looked over his shoulder and frowned at what I was seeing.
He was molding a miniature Mount Rushmore. I recognized the faces of the presidents as he scrapped and carved into the clay.
“What’s that for?” I asked, sitting down beside him on the bench, careful to give him enough space to work.
Flynn still didn’t work up. He wiped away some of the excess clay and picked up another glob and mashed it to the creation in his hand. Smoothing and rubbing it into shape.
“I sell these,” he said, squinting at the piece of art he was making.
“Really. Just the Mount Rushmores?” I asked him.
He shook his head as he put down the tool in his hand and picked up a small, sharp bladed knife. “I like to make pyramids and Big Bens and The Great Wall of China and Machu Picchu. I find them in books then make them. Then I sell them. My mom helped me set it up. I make a lot of money,” he said succinctly.
I started to laugh. I couldn’t help it.
Flynn frowned. “Stop laughing at me!” he commanded.
I stifled my giggles, knowing how he was interpreting it.
“I’m not laughing at you, Flynn,” I explained.
“You’re laughing. I don’t like it. Stop it,” he said flatly.
“No, I promise. It’s just that I buy these,” I said, pointing at the Mount Rushmore in his hands.
He finally looked up at me.
“You buy my statues?” he asked, looking back at his tiny creation.
“Yeah. I’ve been buying them for over a year now. I have a lot of them. They’re amazing!” I enthused; a little shocked by yet another strange twist of fate.
The universe had been working overtime in throwing us together.
“And you like them?” he asked shyly, resuming his work.
I watched him as he molded the clay until he was happy with the product.
“I love them, Flynn. They’re beautiful. They’re all the places I want to go some day. Maybe we could see them together,” I suggested softly. This was the first time I had been direct in my wishes for our future together.
Flynn was quiet. Not saying a word. He got up and walked over to the kiln, opening the door and putting the sculpture inside.
He closed the door and walked back to the table.
“I want to go to the beach,” he said without preamble.
What?
“You want to go to the beach?” I asked, not sure where this was coming from.
“After my house burned down, my mom and I moved to North Carolina. She took me to see the ocean. I hated it. I hated the sand. I didn’t like the way it felt between my toes. She tried to get me into the water but it was too loud,” he said.
It was my turn to be confused.
“And you want to go again? It doesn’t sound like a very good experience,” I commented.
“Have you ever seen the ocean?” he asked me.
“No. I’ve never left West Virginia,” I confessed.
“I want to see the ocean with you, Ellie.” He spoke without leaving room for argument.
“But it’s loud and the sand gets between your toes,” I reasoned. I didn’t want him to go somewhere he’d be miserable. I knew Flynn well enough by now to know that if he hated it, it would be horrible for him. I didn’t want that…for either of us.
“I want to see the ocean. We’re going,” he stated, cleaning up his workstation.
“Okay then. When are we going?” I asked him, more than a little amused by the way he was taking control. I wasn’t used to this side of him and I kind of liked it.
“It’s two days until
Saturday. We can stay for two nights,” he declared and I nodded.
“In two days then. I suppose we’d better figure out where we’re going,” I said, helping him put away his sculpting tools.
“In two days we can go to the beach and see the ocean. We’ll walk on the sand and I won’t cry this time when it gets between my toes,” Flynn smiled.
I laughed.
“You’re not laughing at me this time,” he said, seeming proud of himself for knowing the difference.
“No, I’m not laughing at you. I’m happy. Sometimes you laugh because you feel good,” I explained.
“Going to the beach makes you feel good?” he asked.
“Going anywhere with you makes me feel amazing,” I said.
-Ellie-
We found a hotel on the ocean near Sandbridge Beach, Virginia. It would take us over five hours to get there but Flynn had already started mapping out our journey. He had calculated the mileage and the rest stops along the way.
He planned our vacation completely, down to the colors of the shirts he was going to bring and the types of socks that were the most comfortable for the long car ride.
It was hard to tell if he was looking forward to the trip or not. I was excited. I was beyond ecstatic to be going. I had always dreamed of seeing the ocean. Of digging my toes in sun warmed sand and splashing in the waves. I wasn’t sure how much sea and sand Flynn would actually be up for but I was excited all the same.
I was in town loading up on supplies for our trip when I ran into Reggie. I hadn’t seen anyone from my old group in weeks. Even when I had my shifts at JAC’s no one came in like they normally did. I stopped going by Woolly’s and I didn’t take the occasional drive down to the river where I knew people liked to hang out.
In truth it was pretty sad that once I had stepped away from my old world, not a single person reached out to see where I had gone.
I had made it a point over the years to keep my friendships superficial. Even with Dania, there was only so much I allowed them to see; only so far I’d let them in. Not that they cared.
And that had worked for me. For a long time I was quite content with my seclusion. But now that I had Flynn in my life I realized how lonely I had truly been. How isolated I had allowed myself to be. I had existed, not lived, and there was a very big difference between the two.
Reggie and I had never been close by any means. She was a hanger on. Someone the rest of us tolerated because of what she could do for us. Her dad was a pharmacist and in high school her proximity to prescription meds had come in handy. The guys liked her because she had big boobs and zero inhibitions. She thought nothing of giving a blowjob or spreading her legs so long as they got her drunk first.
Dania detested her even as she used her for rides whenever she needed them. We would make fun of her behind her back and coyly to her face and then pretend we were only joking. We even gave her the nickname TFB, aka Tits for Brains.
We really were horrible people.
“Hey, Ellie!” she said in that overly exuberant way of hers.
“Hey Reggie, how’s it going?” I asked, feeling bad that I was already thinking of ways to conclude this conversation so I could get out of there.
“Ah, you know, a little of this, a little of that. Crazy shit that Stu’s back in the clink huh?” she asked, running her fingers through her greasy hair. Her eyes were a little bloodshot and she seemed twitchier than normal. My guess was she had been face first in a pile of meth not too long ago.
“Yeah, sucks for him,” I agreed, grabbing a bottle of shampoo and putting it in my basket.
“Shane’s having a party tonight. You should come. We haven’t seen you in a long time. Dania’s being a bitch about it too. Says you’re too good for us now that you’re screwing the ‘tard,” Reggie snickered.
I wanted to smack the drugged up grin off her face. Forget feeling bad about the way I treated her. She’s just lucky I never put a boot up her ass.
“You wanna watch how you talk about Flynn? I’d hate to make a scene by ripping that ugly shit you call hair out of your head.” I gave her a syrupy smile and turned back to my shopping, hoping she’d take a hint.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Ells. I didn’t mean anything by it. He’s nice. Really. And he’s cute too. I mean, I wouldn’t want to fuck the dude or anything. Because you know he’s a freak and all. But I’m sure he’s great.” Reggie was rambling and my patience was quickly running out.
“Shut up, Reggie,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Yeah, okay. I will. Um, wow, you’ve got a lot of stuff there. Why all the stuff, Ells?”
Tweakers were so freaking obnoxious.
“Because I’m going away for a few days,” I said, hoping she’d leave me alone.
I shouldn’t have told her the truth because now she wouldn’t shut up.
“You’re going somewhere? Where are you going?”
I sighed, feeling a headache coming on.
“Just going to the beach for a few days. Nothing big,” I was hoping by being uninformative, she’d let it go.
Today was not my lucky day.
“The beach? That’s so cool! I went to the beach once when I was a kid. Dad took us all to the Outer Banks. That’s in North Carolina. Have you ever been to North Carolina? It’s so pretty! I loved it. The ocean was cold because it was September. But it was so much fun. I made the biggest sand castle”
“Okay, thanks for the info, Reggie,” I interrupted her. She was twitchy and rambling and if I let her, she’d go on forever.
“Sure, no problem. So you’re not going to come the party?” she asked, scratching at a spot on the side of her nose.
“Nope, Reg. I’m not. Hope you guys have fun though,” I said, not at all sincerely.
“Oh we will. You know we will. You should have been to the party two nights ago! It was crazy! Dania and Shane almost got arrested! I did so much coke I thought my head would explode. But it was so cool”
“Wait, Dania almost got arrested? What happened?” I cut her off with a sinking feeling in my stomach.
Reggie laughed loudly. A few people looked over in our direction and I saw on their faces exactly what they were thinking.
What a bunch of losers.
I couldn’t believe I was ever okay with being lumped in with them like that. I honestly had always thought that I was just as bad if not worse than the people I associated with. How could I have never wanted more for myself than that?
“She was wasted. I mean waaasted,” she drawled out.
“And?” I prompted, trying to keep an easily distracted Reggie on track.
“And she and Shane wanted more beer. So they broke into JAC’s and got us a few cases. Of course the alarm went off. They almost got caught but they didn’t. It was epic, Ells!”
I hadn’t heard about a break in at JAC’s. But I had started cutting back some on my hours trying to focus more on school. I hadn’t had a shift since the beginning of the week. Still, I had thought I would have heard about something like that.
And what was Dania even thinking? She had been wasted. What else was new? But it wasn’t like her to be that reckless. That had always been my thing, not hers.
“How wasted was she, Reg?” I asked.
Reggie giggled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that bad. Some guy from Dale County was there and he had some kick ass shit he was selling. It was grade A stuff, Ells. He seemed to like Dania. They were hooking up for a while.”
“What kind of shit was he selling?” I asked.
“You know meth, weed, pills. The usual. Dania and I split a bump of crank which was killer!”
So now, aside from drinking herself stupid, she could tick hardcore drug usage while six months pregnant off the list. She smoked pot, still smoked half a pack of cigarettes a day and drank like a fish, but I hadn’t seen Dania touch drugs in over a year.
“I can’t believe her!” I growled, throwing the rest of the items I needed into the basket and
storming down the aisle towards the cash register.
Reggie hurried after me. “It was fun, Ellie! What’s the big deal?”
I turned on my former friend and unleashed the temper I was known for. I couldn’t help it. I fucking lost it.
“Because she’s pregnant you fucking moron! She has a baby inside in her stomach!” I pointed at Reggie’s stomach for emphasis.
Reggie wasn’t smiling and laughing now. She knew the look on my face all too well and was already backing away in retreat.
“She says the baby’s fine,” Reggie excused and I thought a moment about throwing the bottle of shampoo I was putting on the counter at her dim head.
“Did you not pay attention at all in health class? Drugs will mess you up. They will cause that baby in her belly to have a goddamned arm in the middle of its forehead! Wake up, Reggie! Stop being the stupid slut everyone says you are! Grow a brain!” I seethed.
Reggie frowned and for a minute I felt almost bad. I shouldn’t be yelling at Reggie. She wasn’t the one forcing Dania to make such stupid decisions. She wasn’t the one I was really angry with.
“Dania was right. You have become a bitch,” Reggie spat out and rushed out of the store.
I let out a huge sigh and turned back to the cashier who was now regarding me with wide eyes. She didn’t look a day over sixteen and clearly my outburst had freaked her out.
She quickly rang up my items and practically shoved the bag into my hands. I paid her and tried giving her a reassuring smile. She didn’t return it.
“Thanks,” I said when she handed me the receipt.
She still didn’t say anything and looked like she would pass out with relief when I moved away from the register.
I pulled out my phone and looked down at the time. I had told Flynn I’d be a few hours. Three at the most. He informed me that was one hundred and eighty minutes.
I needed to head over to my apartment and pack a few things but there was something else that I felt I needed to do as well. There was someone that currently needed me whether she realized it or not.
And I couldn’t abandon her. No matter how self-destructive and nasty she could be.
Reclaiming the Sand Page 21
