good idea. Your visiting, I mean.” “I see.” Kendall turned to leave, then turned back. “No, I don’t see,” she whispered. “How can you remain so bitter, after all we’ve been through, now that the dust has settled and I’ve proven to you
that the only thing that matters to me is you. You, Jackson. Not your money, not your land. You. I’ve relinquished any and all claims as James Lee’s widow. I don’t want anything from you, and I never came here with any intention of that. And in your heart, I think you know that. As much as you don’t want to admit it, you know me, Jackson. You know who I am. How can you not believe that I love— ”
“Please, don’t.”
“Why not?” Her voice reached a tone of near-frenzy. “Why don’t you want to hear me say that I love you? I do, you know. And I believe you love me, too. And nothing that has happened can change that.”
“But it has to.”
“Why?” Her eyes watered with emotions she could no longer hold inside. “Is it because of James Lee?”
“He was my brother.”
“And he was my husband. And I’ll never forgive myself for the part I played in his death.” The tears seeped from her eyes now.
“It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you.” He wanted to go to her, to hold her. But he knew it would only make things harder. “But he’s there between us. He’ll always be there.”
“We both loved him, Jackson. We don’t have to pretend we didn’t, in order for us to love each other. We can love him, his memory, and still love each other.”
“It’s not just because of James Lee, but he’s a big part of it. And maybe you’re right when you say that nothing that has happened can change the way we feel. Not right away, maybe. But I have to make it change, no matter how long it takes. Because there are things that I’ve learned about you recently that make me wonder if I was being a fool for ever having trusted you in the first place. It reconfirmed for me that I can’t trust my own judgment. Since you came here, it’s felt like I haven’t had any control over my life at all.”
“Did you ever think that maybe your determination to control your life is the reason you can’t find what you need? I know I brought a lot of sadness and chaos into your life, Jackson, but the worst of it is over. I can’t tell you that bad things won’t ever happen again, because they probably will. That’s a given in life. No, I don’t come bottled with a 100% Guaranteed label. But I don’t come bottled with skull and crossbones, either. Whatever you get in between those two labels is worth the risk, I think, because I love you, and I’ll go right on loving you, even when things aren’t perfect. I love you much more than you know. Much more than you obviously are willing to believe.”
“I’m sorry, Kend–Katherine. I just can’t be with you. I can’t love you. I don’t want to be in love with anyone. I don’t like what it brings to my life.”
“You still think you can control that. After all the years you’ve spent since Melissa’s death determined to put your emotions in check, you still think it works for you?”
“It worked up until you came here. And it can work again.”
“Oh, Jackson.” She blinked away the tears, whispered sorrow in her voice. “It never worked for you. It never will. You’re a man who desperately wants and needs to be loved and to give love. You just don’t trust anyone, or yourself, enough to find out how good it can be. If you want me out of your life, then I’ll go. But please don’t shut out the possibility that some day, someone will come into your life who truly loves you.. Let it happen, Jackson. You need that more than I think you even realize.”
“Right now I don’t feel like I need anything, except for a little peace and tranquility in my life.”
“I tried to leave here once, and you refused to let me go. You said you needed me.” She paused and tried to smile at him, but the effort was suppressed by her sadness. “I think you still do.”
He didn’t respond, but stopped brushing Sam. He stood quietly, still not turning to face her, the brush in his hand hanging limply at his side.
“Jackson.”
He remained silent for another moment. His eyes still focused away from her, he said quietly, “Casey’s probably waiting.”
Kendall turned and walked slowly toward the open stable doors. She paused in the sunlight and looked back at him. “I’ll always love you,” she whispered, then continued on to the waiting car.
Casey sat in the driver’s seat watching apprehensively as Kendall opened the passenger side door and got in. Casey sat for a moment, unsure of what to do. She studied the look on Kendall’s face then and knew that Jackson wasn’t going to stop her. Without a word, she turned the ignition and started slowly down the long gravel drive toward the highway and the Athens County Airport.
Kendall gazed out at the expanse of open fields that stretched before her, an isolated patch of dandelions stooping lazily from a warm, late summer breeze that blew across the pasture, the tall pines standing erect and powerful in the distance. She bit her bottom lip, commanding herself not to cry, for Casey’s sake, as well as her own. Knowing that today would be the last time she’d travel down this road, she stared through the open window, breathing in the fresh smell of it all, committing it to memory. This would be her last chance to absorb the beauty of it and the blessings bestowed upon the land and the people who loved it. And so she rested her head back against the front seat and sealed the images in her mind, images that would fade in the years to come, but would remain in her heart forever.
*** Jackson stood, unmoving, listening. Sam shifted slightly next to him, then remained still, as though he sensed the tension that gripped his master. Minutes seemed to tick slowly by as Jackson held
his breath and continued to listen, until he could no longer hear the sound of the automobile’s engine or its tires crunching through gravel. He turned then and left the horse’s stall and walked into the tack room. He shut the door behind him and stood looking around the room, as if the gear that hung on the walls could offer up some solution to his unquenchable need for comfort. She was gone now, this time for good. And he told himself that it was for the best. He would remind himself of that every day, for as long as it took to forget her.
He sat down on the floor of the tack room and leaned his back against the wall. It was for the best, he told himself again. Hadn’t he always known, in the end, what was for the best? He couldn’t have gotten this far, couldn’t have kept things under control this long, if he hadn’t. He’d always known when to turn away from anything or anyone who might complicate or bring uncertainty into his life. It was no longer worth the risk of ending up feeling broken and defeated again.
He brought his knees up and rested his elbows on them. He would get beyond this, just like he had the other disappointments in his life. And his life would get back to normal again soon. There was always a lot of work to do around here, and it would keep him occupied and his mind free of thoughts of her.
It wouldn’t take too long. It never had before. He would be his old self again real soon. He leaned over then and pressed his forehead into the palms of his hands. And he wept.
Chapter 24
>Casey held the phone in her hand and pointed it at Jackson. “It’s Lan Bullard,” she announced softly.
He walked across the kitchen where Casey stood at the wall phone. He hesitated a moment, then took the handset from her. “Lan? What’d you find out?” A pause. “She is, huh?”
Casey listened quietly to Jackson’s end of the conversation, feeling certain that the news they had feared was now being realized.
“How far along?” Jackson asked. “No, I understand. Yeah, sure. Thanks for telling me that much. No, really. I know you’re going out on a limb for me as it is. Thanks again. I owe you.”
Jackson hung up the phone and exhaled a deep breath. “Well, she’s pregnant, all right. Lan called and found out just before he called here.”
“How far along is she?” Casey held her breath, waiting.
&nbs
p; “Lan couldn’t tell me that. Said the examination confirmed she was pregnant, but he wasn’t privy to her medical records. Seems the rest of Cynthia’s medical history is her business and the prison doctor’s. And Cynthia’s not in a very congenial mood right now, so I don’t guess she’ll be sharing that information with me any time soon. I’m sure she’d like for me to wring my hands for awhile, Case.”
“Well, if she wants to claim that you’re the father of this baby, she’ll have to share all of it with you sooner or later.”
“Yeah, well, with Cynthia, I’m sure it’ll be later than sooner. She’s pretty angry right now, and I don’t think she cares how uncomfortable the rest of us are.”
“What about Kendall?” she asked suddenly.
“How in the name of God did we jump to that subject? And what does she have to do with any of this?”
“She doesn’t have anything to do with this. But you’re in love with her and I was just wondering what you’re going to do about that.”
“Listen, Casey Anne,” Jackson began.
“Uh-oh. You called me Casey Anne. You’re pissed.”
“Well, if you decided it was in your best interest to leave Tom, do you think I’d meddle in your business and tell you what a huge mistake you’d be making?”
“I sure hope so.” Casey laughed then and made a snorting sound through her nose. “Leave Tom.
That’s funny. I’m not the one in this family who’s lost her mind.”
“Meaning I have?”
“Let’s see. There’s a woman in Nevada who loves you dearly. And you love her, too, more than I think you’ve ever loved anyone. You’re here. She’s there. She wants to be here. You won’t let her. Yeah, that ranks up there on the insanity level.”
Jackson turned and left the kitchen without saying another word. He walked across the back porch and pushed open the screen door, letting it slam shut behind him. He stopped and looked up at the massive limbs of the live oak, remembering how Kendall used to like to spread a blanket and have afternoon picnics under there.
His sister could be so annoying and exasperating when she pointed out how stupid some of his choices in life were.
Epilogue
>Two Years Later
Jackson stood over the crib, looking down at his daughter. The tiny perfection of her still astonished him. He was amazed that such small fingers and toes could line up in such flawless order. The miracle of her emergence into this world and her ever-changing stages of development had left him with a powerful sense of wonderment. Sure, he’d watched lots of things develop and grow before, but observing the progression of corn or cotton or a colt was nothing compared to this. Lord, this tiny one was something else.
He had overwhelming feelings of protectiveness toward her, none like any he’d ever felt before. And there was that consistent urge he always had to pick up his daughter and hold her, whether she was awake or not. It was as if he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her to fend for herself in a crib that seemed much too large for her. Or that she might be having dreams of being alone, wondering why no one was holding her. He knew his wife would shake her head and fuss at him if she caught him, but the urge to hold her gnawed at him again. Throwing caution to the wind, he gently lifted her from the crib and cradled her in the crook of his arm. She squirmed slightly while nestling against his chest and made a feeble grunting sound. Her bottom lip puckered and a tiny bubble escaped. Jackson smiled and touched her cheek.
“I thought I’d find you in here.”
Jackson turned at the sound of quiet laughter at the nursery door. “Well, she’s been sleeping for so long now,” he offered in his defense.
“She’s not even two months old. That’s what they do.”
He watched his wife as she walked to him and leaned into his free arm. She laid her head against his shoulder and whispered, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
“Just like you, K.” He smiled to himself as he remembered the succession of names he’d come up with to call his wife. He sometimes called her Katherine, more so in the beginning, but it still seemed so foreign to him. He’d tried Kathy, too, but it hadn’t stuck. She was still Kendall to him and he often reverted back to calling her that. After all, it wasn’t as if the name didn’t belong to her. More often than not, though, he simply called her K. He figured that covered it all, anyway. And he liked it best because he was the only one who called her that. She seemed to like it, too. His wife. He felt an enormous sense of gratitude, of great fortune, of intense unending desire, and most of all, the simple comfort that loving her brought him. He thought of the day she’d left. How close he’d come to never feeling as he felt
standing here now.
“Supper will be ready in about half an hour. Shall I bring yours in here?” she teased him.
“It’s just that she’s so…”
“Yes, I know.” She smiled at him, then looked down at her daughter. “LeeAnne. I’m glad you came up with the name. It’s very sweet and it suits her.” She paused, then added, “James Lee would be very proud.”
Jackson chuckled, “Well, I know Casey Anne sure is.” He looked at his daughter’s sleeping face and murmured, “She’s something else, isn’t she?” He looked again at Kendall and gave her that impish wink of his. “Hey, why don’t I put her back in her crib, and we go make another one? I really like these things called babies.”
“Oh, what a fabulous idea. Hmm. Let’s see. Casey’s due in March. If we get started right away, we’ll have another one a few months after that. Then we’ll have three babies in this house all under the age of two. Perfect.”
“Oh.” He paused, then laughed. “I see what you mean.”
“Good.”
“How about we get started in March, then?”
“You’re hopeless.”
“It’s your fault.”
Kendall’s thoughts wandered to the small, unusual family on the neighboring farm. “Do you think little Clete’s getting along okay? I mean, I know Billy’s doing the best he can, but it’s not the same being raised by two men. Maybe I should try to get over there more often.”
Jackson reflected on the events surrounding the birth of Cynthia’s son. As it had turned out, Cynthia had certainly been pregnant, but had only been a little over three months along when she had confronted Jackson. He supposed she had planned to somehow misguide him about her pregnancy right up to their wedding day. Once she realized, however, that a marriage between her and Jackson would never take place, she openly admitted that she never wanted the baby in the first place. For all he knew, Cynthia might never have had any intention of carrying the baby to term, once they were married. Her being imprisoned had thwarted any plans she might have had along those lines, though. Being given a sentence of seven years in the Athens County Correctional Facility for her part in the abduction and attempted murder of Kendall had put an end to her scheming. At least for the time being. She’d more than likely be out on probation in another two and a half years.
As Cynthia’s due date had neared, however, they had all been stunned when Billy McLaurin stepped forward and admitted his affair with Cynthia. After the baby was born, Billy had moved onto the Gamble farm and was working with Robert Gamble while raising his son, Clete. Jackson was especially surprised at how Robert seemed to be such a doting grandfather, as well.
“I think it’s very neighborly and supportive that you and Casey visit with Clete and baby-sit when Billy and Robert need a break. But I have to admit, I’m more impressed with Billy than I thought I’d be. He seems very settled now and very devoted to Clete.” Jackson chuckled. “Leave it to Billy to name his son after a baseball shoe.”
“Quit being silly. It’s not spelled the same, and you know it.”
“Well, it’s better than the other name Billy had in mind, I suppose. Although, ‘Jersey’ is a nice baseball shirt and a sturdy cow.”
“Stop it.”
Jackson behaved himself for a moment, then chuckled again. “W
ho would have ever thought? Little Billy McLaurin and Cynthia.”
“Well, she was always full of surprises. I’m just glad everything is working out for Clete. I hope that when Cynthia gets out of prison, things will continue to run as smoothly over there as they are now.”
“I have a feeling Billy will see to that.” Jackson looked down at his daughter again, and the deep surge of protectiveness that washed through him brought a sigh to his lips. He shook his head. “I hope I never let this little one down.”
Kendall squeezed her husband’s arm as she looked up at him. His profile was so intent with the adoration he felt for his tiny daughter. “If I know you at all, Jackson Coley, you’d rather die first.” She laughed softly then. “You’d do anything to protect the people you love. Why else do you think I forced you to marry me?”
It was Jackson’s turn to laugh then. He looked down into the sparkling green eyes of the woman he’d come to love more than he ever thought possible and was once again reminded of how fortunate he was. “Yeah, just twisted my arm, didn’t you?”
She laughed again, reaching up to kiss him lightly on the lips, then turned to leave. “I’m going to go finish up supper. You’ve got about twenty more minutes. And don’t you wake her up again.”
He watched her as she walked away from him. “Hey,” he called quietly, as she reached the door, “thanks for not listening to me.”
She turned to face him then and smiled. “I hardly ever listen to you, Coley. Exactly which time are you talking about?”
He studied her for a moment, remembering yet again how close he’d come to not having any of this. “The time I told you not to come back.” He breathed the words out heavily, remorse edging his voice. Then he smiled at her reassuringly, knowingly.
“I knew you didn’t mean it,” she answered lightly, her lips curving into a playful smile.
“Oh, yeah? How’d you know?”
“It was something else you said.”
“Whatever it was, I’m glad I said it. What was it?”
Jones, Beverly R Page 30
