After I helped momma, I went back to moping in my room. I am like a lost dog who can’t find his way home. Now, I am sitting here in my chair looking outside my bedroom window. It’s pathetic, I know. The same tired routine each night.
Luckily the stars are out tonight, and when I see the stars shinning bright like that I always think of her. Her birthday is coming up and I’ve had her gift for months now. I reached for the velvet box under my pillow, feeling it still there. I was going to give it to her early. The night of the crash I had planned on telling her that I love her and giving her the necklace that I bought her, but I never got the chance. I opened the box and rubbed my fingers across the Silver Star charm that dangled at the end of the necklace. When I saw it at the store I had to get it. I just kept thinking that maybe every year I could add another charm to it. Now I wonder if I will even get to see her on her birthday.
I slammed the lid down on the box and shoved it back under my pillow. I went back to my night watching. The neighbors probably think I am some kind of a creep. They may even call it stalking, but they can bite me for all I care. I can see her bedroom window from my bedroom window, and my light never goes off until hers does. Seems like this way we go to bed together, and I don’t want her to go to bed alone. I think once I talk to her I can set things straight. Let her know that she’s not alone and that she doesn’t have to be scared.
I rubbed my eyes twice thinking maybe I was seeing things. I could swear that it was her walking around outside in the yard. “Fuck,” I hit my head on the window when I tried to strain my eyes to search for her in the dark night. I rubbed my hands back and forth across my head and slowly bent down and peeked out again. “Well I’ll be damned. It is her.”
What is she doing outside in the middle of the night? She hasn’t stepped foot outside that house in a week. I didn’t wait around to see and I didn’t even put my shirt on. I grabbed the box from my pillow and ran outside to see her.
The grass was cold on my bare feet and the night air was cold on my bare chest. I was only wearing a pair of gym shorts, but I didn’t care. I ran to her as fast as I could. “Shine.”
She looked really sick. Her wrist was in a cast and her body looked frail and bone thin, but it wasn’t the way her body looked that terrified me. That look in her eyes when she spotted me was horror. I know it. I didn’t get too close because I feared that she might pass out. I swallowed the large lump in my throat and tried not to take offense to that look. It was sickening to watch. The girl I love is standing here looking at me like she hates me. My heart was slowly breaking and I wanted to fucking cry. She would be the only thing in this world that would make me cry, but I won’t. “I just wanted to talk to you for one minute.” I said slowly but I never took a step closer.
“I can’t.” She looked down at the ground before she turned to leave.
“Please,” I yelled after her. “You don’t have to look at me if you don’t want.” She didn’t. She never turned around, but she had stopped dead in her tracks. “I don’t know what I’ve done to make you hate me so bad, but whatever it is I’m sorry. I have missed you so much and my world has fallen apart. It’s a fucking mess, Shine. I need you so bad right now, more than I need the fucking air I am breathing.”
“I can’t be that person, Moon. Things have changed. I am not the same girl I was.”
“It’s okay. You are still my girl no matter what.” I said and watched as her body trembled as she tried to silently cry. It was tearing me up inside to watch it. I couldn’t. I walked over to her and laid my hand on her shoulder. She took a sharp breath and moved away from me quickly. What the hell?
“I told you I can’t. Please don’t push me right now.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. I just. I really miss you. I miss you so bad it hurts. I thought that after you saw me that everything would go back to normal. I can see now that I was wrong.” I tried to step around her just a little. I hated that I was talking to her back and that I couldn’t see her beautiful face. Once again she turned away. I bit down on my jaw so hard that I swear I drew blood. I just don’t understand. It makes no sense that she won’t look at me.
“Moon,” she said in a whisper. I could barely hear her. “I’m sorry.” Well at least I think that’s what she said, but what the hell for.
“Why? You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You didn’t do anything wrong, Baby. I should be apologizing to you. I don’t know if they told you but my dad’s blood work proved that he’d been drinking. He was fucking messed up and I hate it so bad. When mom told me that he was picking you up, I flipped out. I was gonna come and get you myself. I swear. God, Shine, I am so sorry.” She cried harder. “Don’t cry, please.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I am going back in the house now. I’m not ready to do this, any of this; with you or with anybody.” She ran her hands vigorously down her sides. I wanted so bad to hold her in my arms, to fix everything. “I have to have some space. I need time to heal and I just really want to be left alone. Things may never go back to the way they were and as bad as it hurts I have to say this. I can’t be around you right now. It hurts me. We can’t see each other. Okay?”
“Why?” was all that I could say. I bent over resting my hands on my knees. I feel like someone kicked me right in the gut and knocked all of the wind from my chest. I wanted to just tell her that I love her and that I have loved her my whole life, but I couldn’t. She was too upset and she would think I was only saying it to get her to change her mind. It just wasn’t the right time. I wonder if there would be a right time.
“Just because, please don’t ask anymore. Drop it, okay.” She started to walk away.
“Wait, hold on a sec. I have something that I need to give you before you go.” She never turned around to look at me and I knew that she wouldn’t. “I got something for you for your birthday and I was going to give it to you the night of the accident, but I never got the chance.” I stepped up as close as I could get to her without making her run. “I need you to close your eyes and trust me for one second. Could you do that for me? Then I will walk away and leave you alone.”
She didn’t say no and she put her head down so I took that as a sign that it was okay. “Are your eyes closed?” I asked. She didn’t speak, only shook her head. I grabbed the necklace out of the box and chucked the box on the ground. I stepped close enough to her that I could smell her and it was doing crazy things to me. Damn, she smells so good. I wish I could touch her. Ah hell, I wish I could touch her right now. Just kiss her cheek like I used to do every day before this shit happened.
“I will try my best not to touch you.” I spoke but it came out so shaky that I don’t know if she understood me. Fortunately, the necklace was long enough to put over her head without unhooking it. As I slid it over her head I heard her take a deep breath. It was so loud that I dropped the necklace onto her neck. I was trying to be easy with her but she scared me. So much for being graceful. I jumped back quickly. “I am sorry. You startled me. You can open your eyes now.”
I waited and watched as she opened them. I still couldn’t see her reaction from where I stood, but I could hear it. She gasped loudly. “Do you like it?” I asked her.
“It’s beautiful.”
“It made me think of you. The first time we met I thought your eyes looked like the stars. I remember thinking that I had never seen anything so beautiful, and then you kicked me. It was the cutest thing ever and well, I haven’t left your side ever since. I don’t plan to either. So, please don’t shut me out of your life.” She was still crying and I didn’t know if I had said too much.
“Thank you, Moon.” She whispered into the air.
“You don’t have to thank me.”
“I want you to know that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I just need some time, and I don’t know how much. There are things that I can’t talk about, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to. I promise that I will try. I will try to come back. But for
now, you have to give me the space I need. Can you do that for me please?”
“If that’s what you want.” I wanted to take a hold of the hand that hung down by her side, but I fought off the urge.
“It’s what I need.” She nearly pleaded with her words and I would do anything for this girl. If space is what she needs than that’s what she’ll get, no matter how badly it hurts.
“Okay,” was all that I could say in response. I wasn’t going to argue with her. I could tell in the desperation of her words that she needs me to understand what she’s saying more than anyone. I have always been there for her and I won’t stop now.
“I want you to know that this necklace is the greatest gift that anyone has ever given me, and I will cherish it. Each time I look at it I will think of you. Always.” I nearly choked at her words. There was a simple shred of hope somewhere in those words and I would hold onto them with my life.
“Bye, Moon.”
“Bye, Shine baby.”
8
Shine
When he called me baby I wanted to just turn around and run to him as fast as I could, but it wasn’t possible. I closed the front door and leaned back against it. My hand was still holding onto the Silver Star that hung from the necklace. It really is beautiful. I will never take it off as long as I live. It was a good reminder that he would always be by my heart, but just out of my reach.
It was so good to get to speak to him. I felt like I was able to give him a little closure and maybe him seeing me so broken would keep him farther away. He was suffering, but I know that I wouldn’t be able to help him, not if I was suffering too. We would make a good pair. A hot mess is what we would be. We have to heal first, and to be completely honest I’m not sure I care if I ever heal. What good would I be? I tucked the necklace down inside of my shirt before I went to see the folks. This should be pleasant.
I walked into the living room where mom and dad were watching TV. The looks on their faces was priceless. I figured I would put on a good show so that they would get off my back about this doctor nonsense. I would only agree to one thing and I wanted to puke just thinking about it. I sat down on the love seat. They were seated on each end of the couch, and both were staring at me like I had two heads. “Okay, here is what I’ve decided. I will go back to school on Monday, but I am quitting the squad and I don’t want to see any doctor. I will get through this on my own.”
“I don’t know,” Mom spoke quickly.
“At least I will be going back to school. I’ll get to see all my friends.” I lied. Inwardly I was cringing at the thought. I wanted to spend forever sulking in my room, but since they won’t let me then this was the only thing I could give them. The year would be over before we knew it and I wouldn’t have to look at them ever again. Maybe I could even move away from this whole damn town, and leave all the bad memories here.
“Yes, I think seeing your friends would be a good thing. What do you think, Dear.” I looked at dad waiting for his answer. I put on my saddest face, but I knew I wouldn’t have to. I was daddy’s girl. He’d see things my way.
He winked at me. “Sounds really good kiddo, I think getting out of this house will do you some good.”
“Are you sure about quitting the squad though?” Mom asked. I held up my broken wrist. “Good point,” she said and I dodged that bullet.
“You know, Moon will be going back to school Monday too. He hasn’t been back since the funeral, but I took a pie over to Lisa yesterday and she said he was anxious to get back to school. I bet you could ride with him,” Mom suggested.
“No,” I nearly yelled, not meaning too. “I mean, I think I would rather drive myself. Since the accident I think I may feel safer if I drove myself, you know?”
“That’s fine, Honey. I’m sure that it will take you some time to get used to the idea. I bet that Moon will be glad to have you back. Lisa said that he has missed you something awful.” I stood up because well, I have heard about all I can stand to hear.
“I better go get a shower. I only have one more day before I have to go back to school.” I smiled, putting my best face forward. I don’t know how long I could put on the charade for them, but for now it would have to work.
And so it begins. Another day at school and I would rather scratch my eyeballs out of my head with a S.O.S pad, than be there. I got up extra early and put on the first ratty old thing I could find in my closet. The only thing familiar about me would be my boots. Moon got me a pair of brown cowboy boots two Christmas’s ago and I have hardly went a day without them. They are worn out and have lost most of their charm, but I still love’em. I slid them on under my jeans, and slid the t-shirt over my head. The shirt said, Welcome to Davis County, The Best Town Around. Corny I know, but everyone in this town owns one so I can only hope that someone else will be wearing one too. This way no one will pay any attention to me. I grabbed my phone off the charger and my car keys and headed for the car. I figured that if I could get out of the house without mom seeing me, I could avoid this morning Q&A. Which I can assure you would be torturous.
I tiptoed out of my bedroom, closing the door behind me. Everything still seemed pretty dark around the house. Dad already left for work I’m sure, and if I am lucky mom is still in bed. I grabbed a bottle of water and quietly exited out the back door. Once I got inside the car and started the engine, I knew that I had made a clean escape. I’d be an hour early too school, but it was worth it.
Being behind the wheel felt eerie, and I held the steering wheel with a death grip. I could feel the sweat building between my fingertips. I tried not to think about the wreck, but I was alone, in the car, driving, and I would be lying if I didn’t say I was scared shitless. I’m pretty sure that the entire ride to school was spent driving like a tractor on Sundays.
When I pulled into the school parking lot it was empty. I pulled my car up as close to the building as I could get, in hopes that if things became too hard it wouldn’t take too long to get away. You never know when you may need a clean getaway. Sitting there in my car I realized that I hadn’t really thought this whole thing through. I would have to see everyone, and pretend to be okay. My stomach was knotted up just thinking about it. I wondered what Melody and the rest of the girls on the squad would say. Hopefully, I could avoid all confrontations. Surely the cast on my arm would be enough to let them know I wasn’t coming back to cheer.
I turned the radio up louder and leaned my head against the steering wheel. Only thirty minutes before people would start to arrive and I already felt like I could panic. My breathing picked up and suddenly the car started to feel way too small. I opened the door quickly and nearly threw myself out of it trying to catch my breath. One pill just wouldn’t be enough for what I would have to face today. Frantically, I searched through my bag for the small brown bottle of pills. They made me feel like a zombie, but I couldn’t complain. Feeling anything at all is a plus. Lately I am only able to feel one of two ways. Either I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest and that I may die, or I feel like a zombie. I took one of the little white pills from the bottle and swallowed it quickly. It would only take about fifteen minutes and I would be good to go. The feeling couldn’t come soon enough.
I got into first period before anyone and found a seat in the back row, closest to the door. I wanted to know where I could run if I needed to. There was only one person I would have to worry about seeing in this class and it was Katie. Out of everyone on the squad, she and I were the closest. I know that she would be genuinely concerned about me, but it doesn’t make it any easier to talk about. If I have to pick one person to talk to today it would be her.
I hunched down into my seat, and watched as everyone came into the room. Slowly the class began to fill up and I just thanked my lucky stars that I took a happy pill. I know that without it I wouldn’t last five minutes in this hell.
The glares that I was getting weren’t nearly as bad as the snickers heard all around the room. I knew they were talkin
g about me and I tried not to make eye contact. I closed my eyes for just a moment hoping that I could get away. A hand brushed against my arm causing me too jump. I opened my eyes to see Katie standing next to me. Her eyes had a look of concern.
“Glad your back, Shine.”
“I’d be lying if I said I was glad to be back.” I didn’t even attempt to smile. What’s the use?
“Whether you want to be here or not,” she whispered, “I am still glad. It may not seem like much now, but for what it’s worth, I care. I tried to come and visit once, but your mom said that you didn’t want to see anybody. I understood. I just missed you, and I was worried. If or when you need someone, I’m here.” She gave me a slight wave and started to walk away.
“Katie, wait.” I turned to speak directly to her. “I may not show it now or possibly ever, and no one in this whole fucked up world may ever understand, but thanks. I truly mean it.” The tears were on the brink of spilling out, but somehow I kept them back. She didn’t. Her tears fell freely down her face and I wasn’t able to look at her anymore. At least she knew. I turned around in my seat and faced forward. Back to my main focus; just get through this day.
After the bell rang, I stayed after class to get my missing assignments. I was thinking maybe I could bury myself waist deep in homework. Surely that would be a good distraction. Turns out in this class I hadn’t missed much. Homework wasn’t the real reason I stayed after. I was seriously just prolonging the inevitable, second period and Moon. I know right.
Breathing deeply and putting one foot in front of the other, I stepped out into the hall. I bypassed my locker all together and went straight to second. The bell rang about two seconds after I walked into class, and I immediately realized that I should have come earlier. The class was already full, and guess who saved me a seat.
I scanned the room once and the feeling made me sick. People were staring at me like I had a disease. My feet felt glued to the floor. As bad as I wanted to move them and take my seat, I struggled. Finally, when my feet no longer resisted I made my way to the far corner where Moon was waiting. The people talking bothered me so badly and I so desperately wanted to yell, and tell them all to shut the hell up. I’m not even sure why they were talking about me to begin with. It was just a car accident. Yes someone died, but they act like the entire thing was my fault. That I had some sort of control over the situation.
Moonshine Page 4
